Should I believe it and how do I confront her about it?

September 15, 2012

Long story short, I've dated this girl for about a year. No reason to suspect anything though we had some issues after the Christmas holidays where she tried to dump me but ultimately realised she loved me and wanted to stay with me. That whole incident never made sense and her reasons varied, but nevertheless I had no real reason to suspect anything was wrong. That was until yesterday.

I met my gf through a mutual friend of ours, who is probably equally close to the both of us. The two of them have been having a falling out over the past few months though and pretty much never speak anymore. My gf moved to another city about a month ago and I'll be visiting her next week.

Last night, I was drinking with my friend and she told me that my gf had told her that she had cheated on me during the Christmas holidays, had slept with one of her exs prior to that, and had been fooling around since then with one of her friends who is a 25 year old virgin (or so I've been told).

I don't know who else to ask to confirm any of the details as I want to be certain I'm making the right decision. I ask myself a few questions like, why wasn't I told about this in January, why is it coming out now? Why is my friend forbidding me from telling her at all and tells me that if I told her who told me she will terminate our friendship!

Should I believe my friend since I don't see how I can do any digging and dump her? Should I ask my gf about it when I'm there next week? And if I do ask her about it, how do I do so in a way where if she's innocent she won't be hurt that I didnt trust her?

(this is one bad situation I'm in and I feel so bad I just want to vomit)

September 15, 2012

These two are in a feud? What prompted this confessional from your friend?

I think you have no choice but to approach your GF.

September 15, 2012

They've been having a feud and for months both of them have been telling me not to trust the other. No idea what it's about, my friend just claimed it was about this issue in particular, though who knows!

She was just making really disparaging comments, like she was laughing at me when I claimed we were still together. She then claimed my gf was like "oh dont worry about these things, I'll just be breaking up with him when I move anyway" As a result of all that I was like WTF is going on. Eventually she tells me the details of this stuff and tries to demand I keep secret about it.

I really have no idea what to do.

September 15, 2012

Long story short, I've dated this girl for about a year. No reason to suspect anything though we had some issues after the Christmas holidays where she tried to dump me but ultimately realised she loved me and wanted to stay with me. That whole incident never made sense and her reasons varied, but nevertheless I had no real reason to suspect anything was wrong. That was until yesterday.

I met my gf through a mutual friend of ours, who is probably equally close to the both of us. The two of them have been having a falling out over the past few months though and pretty much never speak anymore. My gf moved to another city about a month ago and I'll be visiting her next week.

Last night, I was drinking with my friend and she told me that my gf had told her that she had cheated on me during the Christmas holidays, had slept with one of her exs prior to that, and had been fooling around since then with one of her friends who is a 25 year old virgin (or so I've been told).

I don't know who else to ask to confirm any of the details as I want to be certain I'm making the right decision. I ask myself a few questions like, why wasn't I told about this in January, why is it coming out now? Why is my friend forbidding me from telling her at all and tells me that if I told her who told me she will terminate our friendship!

Should I believe my friend since I don't see how I can do any digging and dump her? Should I ask my gf about it when I'm there next week? And if I do ask her about it, how do I do so in a way where if she's innocent she won't be hurt that I didnt trust her?

(this is one bad situation I'm in and I feel so bad I just want to vomit)

I think her friend is trying to do the right thing and the fact that she tried to dump you without explanation is kinda suspect that she already may have cheated and had a momentary conscience. She wanted her cake and ate it too. I would confront her firmly. This isnt something you should pussyfoot around with.

September 15, 2012

I think her friend is trying to do the right thing and the fact that she tried to dump you without explanation is kinda suspect that she already may have cheated and had a momentary conscience. She wanted her cake and ate it too. I would confront her firmly. This isnt something you should pussyfoot around with.

That's what I'm thinking. Like she had her explanations, but still they were just illogical and would change with the wind...

The one thing that doesn't make sense though to me, why did my friend wait like 9 months to tell me?

September 15, 2012

That's what I'm thinking. Like she had her explanations, but still they were just illogical and would change with the wind...

The one thing that doesn't make sense though to me, why did my friend wait like 9 months to tell me?

Most likely she didnt want to get in the middle of it. And maybe she didnt know what was going on until recently. I have no idea. Girls stick together. Who knows where her loyalties lie.

September 15, 2012

Long story short, I've dated this girl for about a year. No reason to suspect anything though we had some issues after the Christmas holidays where she tried to dump me but ultimately realised she loved me and wanted to stay with me. That whole incident never made sense and her reasons varied, but nevertheless I had no real reason to suspect anything was wrong. That was until yesterday.

I met my gf through a mutual friend of ours, who is probably equally close to the both of us. The two of them have been having a falling out over the past few months though and pretty much never speak anymore. My gf moved to another city about a month ago and I'll be visiting her next week.

Last night, I was drinking with my friend and she told me that my gf had told her that she had cheated on me during the Christmas holidays, had slept with one of her exs prior to that, and had been fooling around since then with one of her friends who is a 25 year old virgin (or so I've been told).

I don't know who else to ask to confirm any of the details as I want to be certain I'm making the right decision. I ask myself a few questions like, why wasn't I told about this in January, why is it coming out now? Why is my friend forbidding me from telling her at all and tells me that if I told her who told me she will terminate our friendship!

Should I believe my friend since I don't see how I can do any digging and dump her? Should I ask my gf about it when I'm there next week? And if I do ask her about it, how do I do so in a way where if she's innocent she won't be hurt that I didnt trust her?

(this is one bad situation I'm in and I feel so bad I just want to vomit)

Don't feel bad you have a right to feel upset.I would go straight to source of your issue which is your gf, friends can have motives which are not apparent but known only to them.If she loves you she will be happy to make you feel better and not upset anymore that is what girlfriends are meant to do for their boyfriends vice versa and if she loves you she will tell you the truth either way yes or no to cheating if you ask her directly....good luck in life and love.....deb

September 15, 2012

The one thing that doesn't make sense though to me, why did my friend wait like 9 months to tell me?

It doesn't make sense. I would be questioning my friendship with this person. It doesn't seem like she's trying to do the right thing by bringing this secret out into the open, she's just passed the secret on and demanded that it be kept a secret. She seriously expects you to do nothing with this information? Or does she expect you to break up with your girlfriend without asking any questions? It might appear that she's looking out for your best interests, but she's not. Whatever her motive was for telling you, it served herself more than it served you.

If the information is true, I have no idea, but it would be silly to break up with someone over some gossip you heard. Talk to your girlfriend first. You can try to leave out the part about who told you, but why should you? Your friend did not keep this secret, why should she expect you to? She's being unreasonable. Do what you need to do.

September 15, 2012

Don't feel bad you have a right to feel upset.I would go straight to source of your issue which is your gf, friends can have motives which are not apparent but known only to them.If she loves you she will be happy to make you feel better and not upset anymore that is what girlfriends are meant to do for their boyfriends vice versa and if she loves you she will tell you the truth either way yes or no to cheating if you ask her directly....good luck in life and love.....deb

The main thing issue I have with that is this... When she tried to end it all in January I straight up asked if there was someone else. She said no and that she hadn't "missed me in the right way" or some bullsh** like that... If she was lying then, why would she tell the truth now

September 15, 2012

It might appear that she's looking out for your best interests, but she's not. Whatever her motive was for telling you, it served herself more than it served you.

I have a feeling I'm about to lose two people I consider very dear for no reason I fully understand (sigh)

September 15, 2012

I have a feeling I'm about to lose two people I consider very dear for no reason I fully understand (sigh)

Maybe losing this friendship would be for the best. She laughs at you? Makes disparaging comments about your relationship? And she put you in an impossible position. She basically said, "By the way, your girlfriend cheated on you and is totally going to break up with you. But you have to keep this a secret or else I won't be your friend anymore." Who does that?

If she's otherwise a good friend to you and just made a few horrible decisions the night she dropped this bombshell on you, maybe you could try reasoning with her. You don't have to ask her for permission to come out with this, because she chose to pass on the info and she has no right to dictate what you do with it. You can tell her, "I know you don't want to be dragged into the middle of this, but you firmly placed yourself in the middle when you told me that stuff. I have to talk to my girlfriend about this. I can't just sit on this information. I hope you can understand. I don't want this to harm our friendship."

If she was lying then, why would she tell the truth now

You have to trust your partner. If this incident has left you with no trust in her, then it's over anyway.

September 15, 2012

It sounds like this friend never had a reason or felt a right to call her out on her cheating and what she was doing behind your back.

It's a vengeful/spiteful act, however from your situation and story about your relationship...taking into consideration your demeanor and hers in this relationship dynamic I see it as very probably that she did cheat on you.

It doesn't sound made up, she just sounds like she didn't care and was all too happy to throw this ex-friend under the chopping block since she's still talking to you. She's laughing at you because maybe she feels sorry for you being so gullible and not even knowing what's been going on behind your back...she finds it comical that her friend (whom she doesn't care for right now) has been stringing you along all this time without you knowing any better.

Honestly, It doesn't sound like you have anything that strong or significant in your current relationship...communication seems to be poor, her emotional level is questionable, I definitely don't believe this enlightenment of knowing she really loves you, she's just likely insecure, you're an easy and convenient guy that she trusts so she doesn't need to worry about what you're doing behind her back and It's comfortable for her...I get the impression she would keep you at arms length emotionally.

I think for your own peace of mind you should talk to her, but If you're a gullible guy I'd question your judgment...maybe you'd want to believe her and trust her, even If it didn't make much sense like she did the first time after she dumped you...If a woman dumps you though then that's a really bad sign, well it is for anyone however that shows me she has a great emotional disconnect from you and sees limited potential in you, If she was in love with you she'd be all over you.

I think it's time to ask the hard questions and find out what this relationship is really about, then bring up your concerns that you heard someone say that she was cheating on you...don't let her know the name because she'll just get angry at that person and want to avoid the questions, get her to be honest and if you feel the same way about the reasons she gave you before, then that's all the more reason not to trust her..you shouldn't trust her If you don't believe what she's telling you and it doesn't seem honest and genuine/sincere.

You guys have a lot to talk about, my gut tells me this was over a long time ago It's just up to you to see it.

September 15, 2012

I get the impression she would keep you at arms length emotionally.

She always seemed to be upfront about her emotions. Telling me things like how she had never really been in love before. Those could all have been lies or half truths though for all I know

If a woman dumps you though then that's a really bad sign, well it is for anyone however that shows me she has a great emotional disconnect from you and sees limited potential in you, If she was in love with you she'd be all over you.

What I eventually got were some snide remarks around February in passing in front of my friends about how we hadn't had much contact over the holidays and how that made her think she wasn't in love with me. That wasn't my fault, she was with her family at their ski villa in Europe where there is no internet and a 6 hour time difference from here making calling difficult... I accepted that even though she had given me a billion other reasons in January that were all contradictory as it was the only one that made sense since she denied cheating when I'd asked. It also fit with how immediately after she had tried to dump me we ended up going back to my place and not leaving for like 2 days with her saying something like "it seemed like a better idea when I was gone but now that you're here it feels so right"

bring up your concerns that you heard someone say that she was cheating on you

I wish I could find some way to guarantee her honesty and do so in a way that won't make her explode...

Another thing, should I talk to her about this today on the phone or should I wait until Friday when I head over to visit her for the weekend?

September 16, 2012

Dude... she was trying to "better deal" you and got played... that is why you were half dumped then immediately picked back up... Talk to her NOW... tell her that your other friend told you EVERYTHING and then hang up... dont go into ANY details... She will flood your phone with everything you need to know.

September 16, 2012

I talked to that friend of mine again and she is beginning to contradict herself, claiming she "doesn't remember exactly what she was told because it was so long ago" and things like that, but does stand behind everything she told me. Sounds like she regrets having informed me of this.

So, I just don't think it's a good idea to confront my GF over the phone as that won't accomplish anything but facilitate lying. I'm planning on surprising her by an unannounced arrival in her city tomorrow evening. I will post an update with the results of that little chat.

Though any advice in the meantime on what to say would be greatly appreciated (I really have no idea how to do this without guaranteeing she will go on the defensive regardless of guilt)

September 18, 2012

Well, I started with asking her if there was something she wanted to tell me. She said no, so I just then said "I know". She then said, "what did I supposedly do". I then told her what I was told but didn't say who told me.

She immediately denied it, and then started to get really angry about how I "don't trust her" and she started to demand to find out who told me all indignant. I stormed off and get texted by her later apologizing for her "over reacting"

This situations is just seriously off. I actually have no idea who is lying for sure, though my bets are on my gf and I will be dumping her today. If she was telling the truth, wouldn't she be going out of her way to reassure me nothing happened instead of trying to find out who told me?

September 19, 2012

Well, I started with asking her if there was something she wanted to tell me. She said no, so I just then said "I know". She then said, "what did I supposedly do". I then told her what I was told but didn't say who told me.

She immediately denied it, and then started to get really angry about how I "don't trust her" and she started to demand to find out who told me all indignant. I stormed off and get texted by her later apologizing for her "over reacting"

This situations is just seriously off. I actually have no idea who is lying for sure, though my bets are on my gf and I will be dumping her today. If she was telling the truth, wouldn't she be going out of her way to reassure me nothing happened instead of trying to find out who told me?

Usually once confronted with the truth, cheaters like to blame shift and get into arguments. Most of the time they will say it was your fault and so on.

Here is the interesting part; you told her that 'you know'. And her response was 'what did I supposedly do?'. Meaning, someone she knows (your friend), knows something that she did that she doesn't want you to know.

Had she not have cheated, her response to your statement would have just have been a dumbfounded look and a joke. I've yet to see a cheater, that when confronted with the truth, is the smoothest person when giving an answer. Usually they are like a time bomb and they just blow up!

September 19, 2012

Its a tricky sitaution, to know who to trust 100%. From the little bit of info we have, I would put more faith in your other female friend that she told the truth, that night, and it does tie in with irregular behavior from your gf at the time. Just because your friend was motivated by spite does not alter the truth. A lot of people can get anxious over their partner due to suspicious behavior but never know for sure. In your case you got the dirt from an inside source, but the fact that there is a fued between your friend and gf, clouds the matter a little. The fact that your (and also your gf's friend) kept quite about it for 9 mths I dont think it makes it less legitamite. A lot of people keep their mouth's shut over their friend's cheating.

I talked to that friend of mine again and she is beginning to contradict herself, claiming she "doesn't remember exactly what she was told because it was so long ago"

This could be because she knows you are going to confront your gf and does not want you to be able to quote specific things, that could identify her as the squealer.

If she was telling the truth, wouldn't she be going out of her way to reassure me nothing happened instead of trying to find out who told me?

I tend to agree with you. This 'what did I supposedly do' was also a bit of a telling reaction I feel.

September 19, 2012

I dumped her over the phone this evening. I'm now downing some alcohol to deal with the pain, but this is probably for the best. I probably would have been able to forgive her if she had just been honest in January but this 9 months of lies has destroyed all the trust I had for her. What a waste of 9 months of my life!

Oh and she got really pissed off that I was dumping her for "unfounded lies" and claimed that if I didn't trust her "that was for the best". Strangely enough she also asked if that certain friend was the one that told me, I refused to answer.

Seems my friend's stabbing in the back of my now ex was done so with good reason. That said I think I will also be re-evaluating my "friendship" with the other girl in question. What kind of good friend keeps a secret like this for 9 months and tells me in the interest of "protecting me"?

September 20, 2012

I dumped her over the phone this evening. I'm now downing some alcohol to deal with the pain, but this is probably for the best. I probably would have been able to forgive her if she had just been honest in January but this 9 months of lies has destroyed all the trust I had for her. What a waste of 9 months of my life!

Oh and she got really pissed off that I was dumping her for "unfounded lies" and claimed that if I didn't trust her "that was for the best". Strangely enough she also asked if that certain friend was the one that told me, I refused to answer.

Seems my friend's stabbing in the back of my now ex was done so with good reason. That said I think I will also be re-evaluating my "friendship" with the other girl in question. What kind of good friend keeps a secret like this for 9 months and tells me in the interest of "protecting me"?

You did the right thing & will one day soon realize this, good for you!

September 21, 2012

You shouldn't really take back a cheater to begin with. The fact she was too weak to come clean about it is telling; she has no integrity and no sense of honesty. She sounds like a weak person and you deserve better.

Your attached, but remember that you can be very attached to bad people... being attached and loving that person is NOT enough reason to stay with them.

It hurts like hell now, but remember that your a nice guy and that there are nice girls out there, who will not cheat on you.

September 21, 2012

She most likely did cheat on you with an old friend...I wouldn't believe the rest of what this so called friend is telling you tho about her still fooling around. It sounds like an exaggerated part of the truth. Young girls will make mistakes in relationships esp when they are in contact with an ex b/f and male friends. If she made 1 mistake and realized what she had done she will indeed love you more (that is if she does love you). She will also carry the guilt herself and not put it on you. If you really want to know what happened you can drag it out of her and make her regret it but remember what you don't know won't hurt you. Keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't slip again. Telling the truth has nothing to do with loving you....SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO HURT YOU. I have been with my wife for 15 years we are both 30 y/o. When she was 19 she started to feel confused in the relationship, it was rocky at the time and she met another guy in witch she did tell me about. We discussed the issues but never broke up. Long story short she did end up cheating on me. After the sex happened it destroyed the relationship she had with this guy and she never spoke to him again. Did I suspect something, Yes....Did she tell me then, No. It would have destroyed 5 years together for a 3 week fling with some dooch-bag that doesn't matter. After 10 years of non suspected cheating I peacefully confronted her about what happened in 2002. Yes, she was a little reluctent to tell me but I assured her forgivness. She told me everything I had suspected and confirmed all my thoughts. If she told me then we would have broken up and wouldn't have what we do today. Smart women live and learn. Don't break her down to feel superior. Men cheat to sleep around women cheat to fill voids. Find out what that void is and handle it if you want to make this work.

September 21, 2012

Yeah, she cheated. One of the reasons she was soooo set on finding out who told you is because she wanted to find out EXACTLY what she told you so she can concoct a viable and believable story to contradict everything the friend said to you.

September 22, 2012

She most likely did cheat on you with an old friend...I wouldn't believe the rest of what this so called friend is telling you tho about her still fooling around. It sounds like an exaggerated part of the truth. Young girls will make mistakes in relationships esp when they are in contact with an ex b/f and male friends. If she made 1 mistake and realized what she had done she will indeed love you more (that is if she does love you). She will also carry the guilt herself and not put it on you. If you really want to know what happened you can drag it out of her and make her regret it but remember what you don't know won't hurt you. Keep an eye on her and make sure she doesn't slip again. Telling the truth has nothing to do with loving you....SHE JUST DOESN'T WANT TO HURT YOU. I have been with my wife for 15 years we are both 30 y/o. When she was 19 she started to feel confused in the relationship, it was rocky at the time and she met another guy in witch she did tell me about. We discussed the issues but never broke up. Long story short she did end up cheating on me. After the sex happened it destroyed the relationship she had with this guy and she never spoke to him again. Did I suspect something, Yes....Did she tell me then, No. It would have destroyed 5 years together for a 3 week fling with some dooch-bag that doesn't matter. After 10 years of non suspected cheating I peacefully confronted her about what happened in 2002. Yes, she was a little reluctent to tell me but I assured her forgivness. She told me everything I had suspected and confirmed all my thoughts. If she told me then we would have broken up and wouldn't have what we do today. Smart women live and learn. Don't break her down to feel superior. Men cheat to sleep around women cheat to fill voids. Find out what that void is and handle it if you want to make this work.

That's fairly accurate from what I understand and I wouldn't be surprised if our friend was embellishing the story. That said, she cheated like 2-3 months into our relationship and is reputed to have continued doing so.

I know she doesn't want to hurt me, but 9 months of lies really destroyed any hope she ever had that I would be able to get past it. I managed to get definitive proof in very devious ways I'd rather not go into, whereby I was able to hear her admit to sleeping with someone else and seeing "no reason to tell me" and "no reason for me to ever know".

Maybe you're right, if I'd found out 10 years down the line I'd be able to look past it. But the fact that she just kept on lying for months and even when confronted with real proof shows that she is simply untrustworthy. If I wanted to have to look into her behaviour for the rest of my life I would accept her attempts at trying to win me back. If she ever admits to it to my face I may consider it, but even then it's pretty unlikely I'd be so stupid. Let's just hope I can keep my mouth shut and not confront her with the additional proof I have and save everyone a lot of grief.

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Should I believe it and how do I confront her about it?

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