Author KatZee Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 interesting, this would indicate my ex will be "available" by the time i finish uni next year then.. This indicates nothing. Some people who are temporarily unavailable get stuck in that rut and become permanantly unavailable. There are no guarantees in life, there are no secret formulas. It sounds like you want some excuse to hang on and wait around. You can't do this.
iris219 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 how old are you now iris? I'm 33. People tell me I have plenty of time to meet someone and start a family, but it doesn't feel like it (and really, I don't have a lot of time).
Author KatZee Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 So my ex came to get his stuff and return my apt keys. Well, you are going to be livid with me, but just hear me out. We had sex. And it was horrible!! I mean we always had good sex and for it to be horrible sucked! It didn't even feel good. And he was always about pleasuring me and wouldn't finish till I did first, and when I told him this isn't fun, that the connection isn't their anymore he got upset. I told him I wanted him to "finish" and he said he couldn't because it made him sad to think that there was no connection anymore. When we were done (and he did finish), I told him to leave. He didn't for awhile, he just stared at me while I was brushing my hair and his eyes were watering. He told me that I confused him. HAHAHA! I CONFUSE HIM?! And then he tried to hug me and I pushed him off and I said, "Please just go.." He walked out the door pissed and slammed it shut. I didn't feel anything, no gravitation pull, nothing. I still don't. I don't feel sad either. Then he texts me right away and said "I hope you're happy with how that went. One day you'll realize it was you using me. Not the other way around." This book hits it dead on!! He didn't want to feel like a "user" or a "jerk" which he is, so he tried to make me feel better about what we did. But instead I told him to leave and I didn't hug him or anything and I haven't replied to his text either. I burst his ego. What is going on with me? Why aren't I sad? Sounds like you're finally fed up. You've run out of excuses for him and now you're done. This isn't a bad thing so don't question it. Welcome it. You're not that into him anymore! Congrats!
sweetheart5381 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 This experience will make you a better partner for the next person, and enable you to find someone more suitable for you. I'm OK. I'm not sitting around thinking about my ex or being angry at him, but I'm pretty sure I wasted so many years with him (we were off and on for 7) that I'll never have a chance to get marry or have children. I feel emotionally strong and SO ready for a healthy relationship, but I don't even date (there are almost no single men where I live. I've met 3 this entire year, and I don't mean 3 I was interested in dating.) I hope others in relationships with an EUM use my experience as inspiration to get out now, before it's too late. At this point in my life, I'm trying to learn to be happy alone. I'm trying to accept that I will probably always be single. It's not ideal, but it's better than being with my ex. I don't experience the anxiety, the nervousness, and the nausea that I'll do or say something wrong and he'll withdrawal for days or weeks and I don't feel the sadness and the energy drain that comes from giving a person everything I've got while he gave me very little. I see now how one sided the relationship was. Overall, I'm happier now. Good to hear... and you know what, as scary as it seems, being "alone" is far better than serving another. Been alone for a few yrs now and I enjoy it. I am truly independent. If I happen to find a man that feels the same and would like to share a little bit intimately it would be great, but I will never make my life all about another man and I would certainly hope he would not do that either. 1
Author KatZee Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 I'm 33. People tell me I have plenty of time to meet someone and start a family, but it doesn't feel like it (and really, I don't have a lot of time). You definitely have time to meet someone and start a family. You can be getting pregnant into your late 30's now. I wouldn't start being cynical now... just keep enjoying the single life, when it's right, it'll happen.
sweetheart5381 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Don't ever make your life revolve around another. First of all, it makes you vulnerable to attack, especially as a woman (hate to say it, but its the truth). You can become vulnerable emotionally, financially and physically. Dangerous. Second, it puts too much pressure on the other person. Unavailable or not, they don't want pressure, life deals enough of it, imo. Take care of you, be yourself. That's your ticket. The rest will take care of itself. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) I think this is quite relevant also, and reminds me of my ex and the dynamics of our 'relationship': How to NOT be Narcissistic Supply | Lisa E. Scott Especially the following: Narcissism is a character disorder which causes the narcissist to "look outward" for a view that will reflect him as wonderful. Rather than having good self-esteem, the narcissist lacks it, and feels empty, and therefore must gain his pseudo-"self-esteem" from others--external sources--family, friends, lovers, workmates and children. Everything & everyone is, in essence, reduced to an object for the narcissistic, and some work together quite usefully: i.e. a wealthy partner; a good physique in yourself or in another (partner). These objects are known as "supplies" which the narcissistic feeds off of and ultimately drains of their own self-worth.Many people assume the role of a narcissistic extension, which means they are used, or allow themselves to be used, as a supply to keep the other person "on track", or in control, or feeling okay.Know that the narcissist can leave you at the very moment you stop making them feel important or they are bored. No surprise when you know, but when you don't it is a huge and traumatic shock, the guy leaves, usually without warning or explanation, or with lies, and has another person waiting in the wings: girls too, of course, not just men.And this : http://www.fightbusters.com/Narcissism_and_Codependence.html In my ex's case, it was particularly an obsession with/addiction to sexual fantasies, which ultimately set the stage for our break-up -- near the end , I had become an object that he tried to use to satisfy his sexual fantasies, not a real person he was interacting with : Lives in a fantasy world which may include porn, romance novels, flirting and/or affairs and/or dreams of unlimited fame and success. Will often be addicted to this fantasy oriented behavior.These were especially true for my ex: Distant and emotionally unavailable unless they want something. Will be very controlling and often unable to relax. May appear very charming and even humble in public. May regularly provoke people and them blame them for the fight. HE DID THIS ALL THE TIME. To the extent that, even now, despite KNOWING that I was in the right to dump him, I still wonder, sometimes, whether I was at fault..... Will have trouble admitting their mistakes. NOT ONCE has he apologized for wronging me. Even after starting a fight due to misinterpreting my words/behavior. In fact, any time such a fight took place because of HIS misinterpretation, I was the one to apologize, to defuse the tension... Edited September 16, 2012 by NoMoreJerks 1
Berna Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I've started reading this book, good read. Never thought of myself as a fallback girl but now it all makes sense. Thank you so much! 1
Squidoo Posted September 24, 2012 Posted September 24, 2012 I downloaded this book from iTunes, and it has made me feel instantly better and to be honest it's somehow made everything ok! My ex is very much the future faker, but just as interesting is that I've realised that I've always been miss unavailable ( as well as the fall back girl ). This book is definately worth the read and has helped clarify and put closure on things for me. :-)
NoMoreJerks Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 (edited) So do unavailable men ever change?? I'm doubtful that they would, at least not those who are in their 40s already.. And anyway, even if they will change, it won't be while they are with us. It sucks that the people that might cause them to change are the ones that will never get to enjoy being with them. Some woman who walks into his life, and who didn't suffer the emotional turmoil of being with an unavailable guy, will probably reap the rewards in the future. Not fair, but that's life. Edited September 25, 2012 by NoMoreJerks
Woggle Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 If these men were available would the women still be interested?
Squidoo Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 There are some that may be unavailable for a year or two, whilst getting over an ex etc. But my ex is in his 40's and he won't ever change, and I know as a unavailable girl that I won't change either. Deep down I want too as I'm sure these guys do, but there's something that just won't let us.
LostOne1 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 There are some that may be unavailable for a year or two, whilst getting over an ex etc. But my ex is in his 40's and he won't ever change, and I know as a unavailable girl that I won't change either. Deep down I want too as I'm sure these guys do, but there's something that just won't let us. I believe people do change.. I can see it in msyelf already. I told myself I'd work out every day as a new yrs resolution... happened for a week or two. My gf leaves me.. and now I work out 1hr every day. I just have this thing in me to be fit and strong. I ask myself everyday what can I improve today. I feel and sense the things I didn't do well, things I didn't show as actions to show my personality. People change... but for some people something HUGE has to happen to them.
Squidoo Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Sure things like that are easier to change, but others are harder. The sort of thing I'm talking about is deep seated and can go back to childhood and with the best will in the world its hard to make that turn around.
hearttopieces Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 I just started to read this book a few days ago. I also found out a few days ago that my ex has asked out one of my colleagues on a date - while we were together... Feels like he has done the worst thing to me and embarrassed me so much, wow. I guess reading the book plus this new information about him is really doing the work. I feel like I am already so over him. Really.... Everyone should read this book! I regret I have ever looked at him in the first place. Will consider the relationship as a learning experience. Feels so good to be able to say this....
Squidoo Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 It has an almost healing affect to it, and makes you realise that you are not at blame. Glad it's made you feel better hearttopieces
Author KatZee Posted September 25, 2012 Author Posted September 25, 2012 So do unavailable men ever change?? They only change if something DRASTIC happens in their life. Loss of a loved one, near death experience. Seriously. Nothing mundane, or ordinary is going to make them wake up and realize what they had. And NoMoreJerks is right, if they do change at all, it won't be with us, and it's often the ones that come after us that reap all the benefits of all the work we put in and all we did to try and help them out. It does suck because despite what the ex did to me. Despite what a horrible human being he is right now, I think deep down under it, he has great capacity to be a great boyfriend. He just doesn't go about doing things the right way... maybe one day that will change. MAYBE. Right now his ego is far too large, and nothing really happens to him. He never suffers any consequences for hurting people, he just leaves a road of destruction wherever he walks, and he goes on as if life is dandy. But as they say, Karma is a BITCH and I'm hoping one day it really smacks him in the face. Only THEN will he change. 1
freestyle Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 Thanks for creating this thread, KatZee... Natalie's writing is right-on-target---I just wish it had been available when I was in my twenties, it would have saved me a lot of wasted wheel-spinning. I haven't read the book, but I've been following her blog, and reading every article & comment. Her insight is uncanny. 1
Svet74 Posted September 25, 2012 Posted September 25, 2012 They only change if something DRASTIC happens in their life. Loss of a loved one, near death experience. Seriously. Nothing mundane, or ordinary is going to make them wake up and realize what they had. And NoMoreJerks is right, if they do change at all, it won't be with us, and it's often the ones that come after us that reap all the benefits of all the work we put in and all we did to try and help them out. It does suck because despite what the ex did to me. Despite what a horrible human being he is right now, I think deep down under it, he has great capacity to be a great boyfriend. He just doesn't go about doing things the right way... maybe one day that will change. MAYBE. Right now his ego is far too large, and nothing really happens to him. He never suffers any consequences for hurting people, he just leaves a road of destruction wherever he walks, and he goes on as if life is dandy. But as they say, Karma is a BITCH and I'm hoping one day it really smacks him in the face. Only THEN will he change. Thats exactly how my ex... But I always saw how happy and egotistic he was when he still had control over me. The first time i took my control back and power we were in NC for 3 months. He looked angry, depressed, Got in random fights. Just looked as if his life was going down hill. When he was still with me seemed like he was a little more stable but he was just always an ass to me. Then i did it again. we started talking again and he knew i was not over him. He started dating a new chick and even told ppl he was going to marry her. I blocked him completely as soon as i found out. Now again, He looks depressed. I think him and that girl didnt work out or he thought i was gonna come chasing after him. I guess im wondering if he will change now that he knows im not gonna take him back, cuz he hurt me so much i know this time i wont fall into his lies again. But then again he might just move on
believeagain Posted September 26, 2012 Posted September 26, 2012 I havent posted before but have been reading for some time and this is an amazing post. Just wanted to say that yeah sadly it is true they may change eventually or even straight after us but we all need to think we are all changing ourselves to be better, happier, stronger people so really dont you think they are missing out on us too. It just wasnt ment to be and the next man or women who gets to feel all our love has our exs to thank because without our break ups we wouldnt have seen our own changes that needed to be made. If you get what im saying so as hard as it is i do it too but try not to think about it because u never know whats actually going on in someone elses head it could all be a show and they could still be that guy just got even better at hiding it Thanks for all your comments love this post
Sunslides Posted October 2, 2012 Posted October 2, 2012 Wow... This actually hit me yesterday night. Am I one of those Mr. Unavailable? I was in a happy relationship for 6 years before I got cheated on... Since then... I think I was Mr. Unavailable with the girl I was with afterwards. This is truly an eye opener. I know I can be in a serious relationship. I was. But with the last one... I was Mr. Unavailable. Why?
Recommended Posts