Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl

[gullibleme]

Makes you wonder what they really think when they do this....hmmm..I know there is a human being in there somewhere and I think they do feel bad for how they act but just can't help how they are...thats why THEY need help, Not us...we try our best to help them be better people and wanting them to communicate...I always told him you would honestly feel so much better talking about what your feeling rather than holding them in....I'm a big girl and can take it if it's about me...I learn from my mistakes and want to know if it is something I can change to make me a better person I will consider it...I'm not perfect...in the beginning it worked he was open and all his walls fell down and he actually was in love with me I felt...he seemed so happy!! Eventually it was just too much for him and started to resort back to running away...he did try I feel but I knew he wasn't the man for me if this was ultimately how he truly was...so sad...he called me his "Dream Girl"....it's his loss!!!

[KatZee]

Makes you wonder what they really think when they do this....hmmm..I know there is a human being in there somewhere and I think they do feel bad for how they act but just can't help how they are...thats why THEY need help, Not us...we try our best to help them be better people and wanting them to communicate...I always told him you would honestly feel so much better talking about what your feeling rather than holding them in....I'm a big girl and can take it if it's about me...I learn from my mistakes and want to know if it is something I can change to make me a better person I will consider it...I'm not perfect...in the beginning it worked he was open and all his walls fell down and he actually was in love with me I felt...he seemed so happy!! Eventually it was just too much for him and started to resort back to running away...he did try I feel but I knew he wasn't the man for me if this was ultimately how he truly was...so sad...he called me his "Dream Girl"....it's his loss!!!

 

You should read the book. It actually goes inside the mind of unavailable guys. And actually, most of them think they're great catches. Most don't feel what they're doing is wrong. And if by chance they DO realize they're treating their SO in the wrong way, there's actually no incentive to really change and they don't feel they need to change.

 

What inside them is a deep rooted fear. Fear of getting too close, fear of being hurt, fear of ruining the relationship. And they can't handle it, so they always keep themselves unavailable. They don't have any real capacity to feel "true love."

[PissOfMind]

This book is amazing! I have read only some excerpts and I wish I could buy the whole thing but amazon says it's not available for my country:( Does anyone have it in pdf?

[KatZee]

...in the beginning it worked he was open and all his walls fell down and he actually was in love with me I felt...he seemed so happy!! Eventually it was just too much for him and started to resort back to running away...

 

From the book: "What bewilders so many women is how no matter what they do and no matter what he appears to say or do at the time, they keep ending up on HIS terms. This happens because the combination of blowing hot and cold and the Reset Button facilitates The Status Quo, the comfort zone that Mr. Unavailable always strives to be in, the level that he's prepared to be expected, needed, and wanted from.

 

If you imagine your relationship with him on a scale of one to ten, he likes it at a five- his comfort zone- and everything he does is about maintaining it. Whenever you push for more to take it out of the comfort zone, he will retreat (blow cold or lukewarm) and behave in ways that drag you back to the safe territory of The Status Quo.

 

If he disappears for a period of time or treats you badly, he will do his damnedest to pick up where he left off and may make some hollow empty gestures and big promises to distract you and quickly ease it above 5, with a view to gradually ease it back once he has his feet well and truly under the table.

 

This is why it will often feel like you never really resolve any issues or get a genuine heartfelt apology for anything that happens during these difficult times because he just wants to erase and move on.

 

All of this flip flapping is a reflection of his indecisiveness and inability to commit.

 

Mr Unavailable has major control issues and he gets to determine the pace, temperature, and direction of the relationship by blowing hot and cold, and where appropriate, pressing the Reset Button.

[KatZee]

This book is amazing! I have read only some excerpts and I wish I could buy the whole thing but amazon says it's not available for my country:( Does anyone have it in pdf?

 

You can't get it in eBook form?

[gullibleme]

I totally agree and my ex was actually quite arrogant and thought he was god gift AFTER I raised his self esteem...he had the gall to even tell me how much I helped through everything and will always appreciate me for everything I've done...he said he was really close to "eating a bullet" after his divorce. He is a very well liked person and owns his own company..I dated him briefly in highs school...I dumped him back then because of his immaturity...all in all we were very similar....we both had EMU fathers..very little affection and alot of rejection from them, Very loving mothers however...I knew this of my father for many years and took me many failed relationships to see I was EUM....I always did the dumping...maybe Karma ...I don't know but I'm ok with it and I'm so glad I grew up and realized how I was.

[Dblock10]

so to top it off what this book is essentially saying is, people male or female are or can be unavailable in the sense that they don't want to give you everything, but are happy to be with you on their terms, at a "level 5"

 

so when you push or expect more from them, they don't give it to you.

 

or is this book over complicating relationships since all relationships are different and in my experience all difficult. could be purely based on my age mid twenties... ?

[CptSaveAho]

I think its just women overanalyzing "EVERYTHING" and instead of seeing the relationship isnt going to work and knowing it isnt going to work, they get strung along and are looking for validation from an outside source that they knew they were right.

 

I do not disagree with the information passed along in the book but you know, it takes an emotionally unhealthy person to date be in a relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person. "Water Seeks its Own Level" as the saying goes.

 

While everyone here is quick to point out my ex was like this, all these points match him and her, you also need to focus that there is something seriously wrong with you to continue being in that type of relationship. Hold the mirror up and face it and see what types of things are wrong with you

Edited September 15, 2012 by CptSaveAho

[gullibleme]

It all boils down to being able to open up....I was unable to because of my insecurity of the feelings of vulnerability and fear of rejection....I couldn't be what I really actually wanted to be...It took many years of self reflection to see these men really had love for me but I didn't see it that way...I wanted the relationship at the time but couldn't open up...just how it was...I knew I couldn't be what they wanted or needed and had to end the relationship. I really wanted to be accepted for the way i was and wanted them to just deal with me and be understanding but they couldn't...the more they pushed the more I went away... I wouldn't have made the changes I needed to do if they actually put up with me...

[KatZee]

so to top it off what this book is essentially saying is, people male or female are or can be unavailable in the sense that they don't want to give you everything, but are happy to be with you on their terms, at a "level 5"

 

so when you push or expect more from them, they don't give it to you.

 

or is this book over complicating relationships since all relationships are different and in my experience all difficult. could be purely based on my age mid twenties... ?

 

Exactly. They will ride the relationship on their terms. At their speed, never really progressing to full commitment. Some of these relationships even go the distance in regards to time, so this is where the relationship comes in in which they've been together for years but will never propose. Who will always have an excuse.

 

All relationships ARE different, but unavailable people, are UNAVAILABLE. Yes, they get into relationships. Yes, people stay with these kinds of people, but these relationships NEVER go the distance. Problems are never really solved. There is never real progression. When you're in an unavailable relationship, you will KNOW IT.

 

With my ex, I was always asking him, "where are we going?" We had been together almost 3 years, but were going NOWHERE. We just WERE. We hung out, we had sex, but there was no talk of the future, no talk of anything coming of anything. And he was perfectly happy with this. He was perfectly happy as long as I never asked questions. If I ever tried to talk about an engagement, or if he saw a future with me, he ran.

[KatZee]

I do not disagree with the information passed along in the book but you know, it takes an emotionally unhealthy person to date be in a relationship with an emotionally unhealthy person. "Water Seeks its Own Level" as the saying goes.

 

While everyone here is quick to point out my ex was like this, all these points match him and her, you also need to focus that there is something seriously wrong with you to continue being in that type of relationship. Hold the mirror up and face it and see what types of things are wrong with you

 

I think I made this point in the first thread... I never knew that women who loved unavailable men were actually unavailable themselves. Lacking self esteem, lacking love for themselves.

 

I never saw this about myself. I just thought I felt such an unconditional love for him and thought he'd reciprocate in kind over time.

 

I learned you need to respect yourself, and love yourself way more than these unavailable people.

[CptSaveAho]

I think I made this point in the first thread... I never knew that women who loved unavailable men were actually unavailable themselves. Lacking self esteem, lacking love for themselves.

 

I never saw this about myself. I just thought I felt such an unconditional love for him and thought he'd reciprocate in kind over time.

 

I learned you need to respect yourself, and love yourself way more than these unavailable people.

 

Right! Key to it all

 

Works for both sexes

[Dblock10]

so tbh unavailable people could be everyone in there young twenties, who really knows how life is going to pan out... surely its actually a sensible thing to do i.e keep people as options. when you say full commitment it sounds like you mean marriage, again early twenties, extremely rare.

 

i was in an unavailable re from the start, i knew she would be leaving to see the world. yet i allowed myself to hang on and almost wait to be dumped.

 

so this is my fault, however i had hoped that it would go the distance in both the literal sense and in terms of time.

 

it seems to boil down to loving yourself and basically being a bit hard nosed and selfish, exactly how my ex is, does everything for herself and her own happiness. it works clearly.

[iris219]

Katzee, I enjoy reading your posts because your ex could be my ex, right down to them both being Virgos. (I read your post in another thread where you described traits of your Virgo ex.) Everything you say you here could be you talking about my ex.

 

As you know now, your ex (and mine) was not unique. There are a lot people like him, and now, thankfully, you have the tools you need to spot and avoid these types of people.

 

I don't think we are damaged women; we got caught in a situation that we didn't know how to handle or extract ourselves from. For years I kept thinking things would get better with my ex because I believed no one could seriously be that big of jerk for that long, that he would be see how much I loved him and it would soften his cold little heart, but that, of course, never happened.

 

I'm so glad you feel better about the breakup and stronger and more in control of your life. Soon, your former relationship will just be a bad memory and a lesson that you learned a lot about yourself from.

[KatZee]

so tbh unavailable people could be everyone in there young twenties, who really knows how life is going to pan out... surely its actually a sensible thing to do i.e keep people as options. when you say full commitment it sounds like you mean marriage, again early twenties, extremely rare.

 

i was in an unavailable re from the start, i knew she would be leaving to see the world. yet i allowed myself to hang on and almost wait to be dumped.

 

so this is my fault, however i had hoped that it would go the distance in both the literal sense and in terms of time.

 

it seems to boil down to loving yourself and basically being a bit hard nosed and selfish, exactly how my ex is, does everything for herself and her own happiness. it works clearly.

 

Do not generalize based on age. Your mid-20s is when you're growing and exploring, but an unavailable man can be one who just came out of a divorce at age 45. Unavailable comes in both genders, and comes at ANY age.

 

The key here is to recognize the red flags of an unavailable person and to get out. Not stay and think you can change them, or think they'll eventually come around. That will never happen.

 

It's not about being selfish per se. It's about having boundaries with yourself, and in relationships, and when someone starts to cross your boundaries, you end it. You don't stay, and compromise yourself.

[KatZee]

Katzee, I enjoy reading your posts because your ex could be my ex, right down to them both being Virgos. (I read your post in another thread where you described traits of your Virgo ex.) Everything you say you here could be you talking about my ex.

 

As you know now, your ex (and mine) was not unique. There are a lot people like him, and now, thankfully, you have the tools you need to spot and avoid these types of people.

 

I don't think we are damaged women; we got caught in a situation that we didn't know how to handle or extract ourselves from. For years I kept thinking things would get better with my ex because I believed no one could seriously be that big of jerk for that long, that he would be see how much I loved him and it would soften his cold little heart, but that, of course, never happened.

 

I'm so glad you feel better about the breakup and stronger and more in control of your life. Soon, your former relationship will just be a bad memory and a lesson that you learned a lot about yourself from.

 

I have grown tremendously since him and I honestly can't believe I allowed myself to remain with him as long as I did. Although it was a highly dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship, I think I needed to experience this. I have never in my life experienced an unavailable person and I guess this was another lesson for me to learn in life. To know what to look out for and to further amend my list for what I look for in a life partner.

 

What about you? How are you doing?

[NoMoreJerks]

Do not generalize based on age. Your mid-20s is when you're growing and exploring, but an unavailable man can be one who just came out of a divorce at age 45. Unavailable comes in both genders, and comes at ANY age.

 

The key here is to recognize the red flags of an unavailable person and to get out. Not stay and think you can change them, or think they'll eventually come around. That will never happen.

 

It's not about being selfish per se. It's about having boundaries with yourself, and in relationships, and when someone starts to cross your boundaries, you end it. You don't stay, and compromise yourself.

Amen. My ex was 40. He kept manipulating me and avoiding defining the relationship, kept asking for space, complained about how I expected him to call me every day. Near the end, I wasn't even sure if we were just f*ckbuddies, or what.. He also kept pushing my boundaries with sexual stuff, and I had such a low self-esteem and was so afraid of being dumped (he actually threatened it at least twice), that I always compromised -- even promising him to do things that I knew would scar me for life if I ever did do... In the end, I realized that unless i got out of this "relationship", his demands for compromise on my part would never cease, and I would compromise so much of myself that I would hardly be able to recognize who I really was. I am glad it is over, even if I am traumatized that it eventually did happen.

[Dblock10]

Do not generalize based on age. Your mid-20s is when you're growing and exploring, but an unavailable man can be one who just came out of a divorce at age 45. Unavailable comes in both genders, and comes at ANY age.

 

The key here is to recognize the red flags of an unavailable person and to get out. Not stay and think you can change them, or think they'll eventually come around. That will never happen.

 

It's not about being selfish per se. It's about having boundaries with yourself, and in relationships, and when someone starts to cross your boundaries, you end it. You don't stay, and compromise yourself.

 

hmm so what boundaries are you talking about?

 

from what i see, a lot of people hold onto relationships right until the bitter end. sure it would seem unavailable can happen at any age but im talking about a 20 something year old girl. who knows she may be unavailable her whole life, but chances are we all become available and want to settle down right?

[KatZee]

hmm so what boundaries are you talking about?

 

from what i see, a lot of people hold onto relationships right until the bitter end. sure it would seem unavailable can happen at any age but im talking about a 20 something year old girl. who knows she may be unavailable her whole life, but chances are we all become available and want to settle down right?

 

A mid 20's GIGS individual is only temporarily unavailable. Read this entire thread, I explain what that is in the earlier posts.

[KatZee]

Amen. My ex was 40. He kept manipulating me and avoiding defining the relationship, kept asking for space, complained about how I expected him to call me every day. Near the end, I wasn't even sure if we were just f*ckbuddies, or what.. He also kept pushing my boundaries with sexual stuff, and I had such a low self-esteem and was so afraid of being dumped (he actually threatened it at least twice), that I always compromised -- even promising him to do things that I knew would scar me for life if I ever did do... In the end, I realized that unless i got out of this "relationship", his demands for compromise on my part would never cease, and I would compromise so much of myself that I would hardly be able to recognize who I really was. I am glad it is over, even if I am traumatized that it eventually did happen.

 

These people are so toxic. They're just life suckers. Always taking and taking, giving nothing back, and in the end STILL not satisfied.

 

Ugh. U.N.A.V.A.I.L.A.B.L.E!

 

I've learned valuable lessons though, and I think you have too.

[Dblock10]

A mid 20's GIGS individual is only temporarily unavailable. Read this entire thread, I explain what that is in the earlier posts.

 

interesting, this would indicate my ex will be "available" by the time i finish uni next year then..

[youngnlove89]

So my ex came to get his stuff and return my apt keys.

 

Well, you are going to be livid with me, but just hear me out.

 

We had sex.

 

And it was horrible!! I mean we always had good sex and for it to be horrible sucked! It didn't even feel good. And he was always about pleasuring me and wouldn't finish till I did first, and when I told him this isn't fun, that the connection isn't their anymore he got upset. I told him I wanted him to "finish" and he said he couldn't because it made him sad to think that there was no connection anymore.

 

When we were done (and he did finish), I told him to leave. He didn't for awhile, he just stared at me while I was brushing my hair and his eyes were watering. He told me that I confused him. HAHAHA! I CONFUSE HIM?! And then he tried to hug me and I pushed him off and I said, "Please just go.." He walked out the door pissed and slammed it shut.

 

I didn't feel anything, no gravitation pull, nothing. I still don't. I don't feel sad either. Then he texts me right away and said "I hope you're happy with how that went. One day you'll realize it was you using me. Not the other way around."

 

This book hits it dead on!! He didn't want to feel like a "user" or a "jerk" which he is, so he tried to make me feel better about what we did. But instead I told him to leave and I didn't hug him or anything and I haven't replied to his text either. I burst his ego.

 

What is going on with me? Why aren't I sad?

[iris219]

I have grown tremendously since him and I honestly can't believe I allowed myself to remain with him as long as I did. Although it was a highly dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship, I think I needed to experience this. I have never in my life experienced an unavailable person and I guess this was another lesson for me to learn in life. To know what to look out for and to further amend my list for what I look for in a life partner.

 

What about you? How are you doing?

 

This experience will make you a better partner for the next person, and enable you to find someone more suitable for you.

 

I'm OK. I'm not sitting around thinking about my ex or being angry at him, but I'm pretty sure I wasted so many years with him (we were off and on for 7) that I'll never have a chance to get marry or have children. I feel emotionally strong and SO ready for a healthy relationship, but I don't even date (there are almost no single men where I live. I've met 3 this entire year, and I don't mean 3 I was interested in dating.) I hope others in relationships with an EUM use my experience as inspiration to get out now, before it's too late.

 

At this point in my life, I'm trying to learn to be happy alone. I'm trying to accept that I will probably always be single. It's not ideal, but it's better than being with my ex. I don't experience the anxiety, the nervousness, and the nausea that I'll do or say something wrong and he'll withdrawal for days or weeks and I don't feel the sadness and the energy drain that comes from giving a person everything I've got while he gave me very little. I see now how one sided the relationship was. Overall, I'm happier now.

[Dblock10]

how old are you now iris?

 

young love, what is the deal between you and him, i thought you wanted him back, but now seems like you are using him?! either you are in or out, same goes for him.

[Freshstart637]

Interesting post about the book. I am feeling better but missing my ex feels the same. This ship has sailed and the door has been closed, just missing the ex because of attachment issues. I know we just weren't compatible.

 

I can't wait to start reading this book, why didn't I start reading self help books while I was in my previous relationship, would have been fun to experiment some of the things from the books.