what does an affair "make" you? If anything...

[Steadfast]

I wish I was at the place so many of you are. Infidelity has made me not trust my own judgement.

 

For example, tonight I have a date with a guy I've been out with 3 times. He works out of town often, we met through someone who doesn't know him that well. I did some googling, and a basic paid background search. It is taking me everything I've got to not pry even further. It's violating to him.

I shouldn't go out with him. I'm too f'd up.

 

You're putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on yourself. You've gone out with him three times and you're worried about not trusting him? How could you? Yet? You don't know him well enough! Trust is earned, not granted.

 

If he's asking for trust, that's a red flag. Only people with something to hide ask to be trusted. Online background checks might show how he handles his finances, or if he's served time in prison, but none that I know of will warn you if he's a pathological liar. Let it play out. Trust your gut.

 

If you've gone out three-times and he wants to see you again, believe me, he likes you. On our third date I realized I was falling for my GF, but we had lots left to learn about each other. If you continue to date, don't wait too long to tell him how you feel. His reaction to that will tell you a lot.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Steadfast

[cocorico]

I had recently posted that it wasn't "because" of FWH's affair our marriage was imp. roving etc... but that got me thinking, What does an affair make you, let's say in this scenario, once the affair has ended? Does it "make" you angry? Bitter? Sad? Lonely? Stronger? This could be for anyone who has been in or affected. For Me, I felt the whole spectrum of emotions but what it made me was, I'd have to say, aware but that's about it. I believe I'm still pretty much the me that I was before. Happy, optimistic still looking for the good etc.

 

Blissfully happy.

 

I could never have dreamed of being this happy before the A.

[ComingInHot]

That's amazing and I'm happy for you? Might I ask was it the affair or because of the affair that you were changed TO blssfully happy or were you generally this way before or as a result became this way?

[Ladydrib]

I had recently posted that it wasn't "because" of FWH's affair our marriage was imp. roving etc... but that got me thinking, What does an affair make you, let's say in this scenario, once the affair has ended? Does it "make" you angry? Bitter? Sad? Lonely? Stronger? This could be for anyone who has been in or affected. For Me, I felt the whole spectrum of emotions but what it made me was, I'd have to say, aware but that's about it. I believe I'm still pretty much the me that I was before. Happy, optimistic still looking for the good etc.

 

For me, I think it did mess me up pretty bad. I've posted a lot about my recent troubles, which I've often wondered if they arose as a result of when my first husband cheated. I have yet to post about my perspective as the betrayed spouse, because it was so many years ago, I rarely think of it. The only time I do, it crosses my mind in the aspect that it makes me wonder if it is the reason I am where I am now.

 

Rewind 20 years. My high school sweetheart (who would become my 1st husband) seemed like the perfect guy. Charming, charismatic, funny, protective, attentive, would have done anything for me. But I always caught strange things that made me doubt his faithfulness. Never proof however. So I made the decision to continue to trust him and believe in him.

 

Fast forward seven years into our relationship. I finally found something that to me, really had no other explanation, even though it was not actually proof. So I pretended I did know for certain. I confronted him by asking him in an accusatory manner "who is ...". His reaction gave me more proof. So I continued to act as though I knew, not revealing what or how much info I had. I walked out the door as he ran after me, crying that he had done nothing wrong. I came back the next day with the same stance to get some of my stuff. He was convinced I had some sort of proof so he confessed (maybe to earn honesty points?). Anyway, it felt like a death. My feelings for him completely died that day. I knew there is no way in hell I would ever accept and forgive what he did. I never doubted my decision and never looked back. I was so entirely loyal to him, and as a person in general. Loyalty has always been a fierce and core value of mine.

 

Fast forward another 10 years. I'm unhappily married. Second marriage. Husband would never cheat (at least I believe he would not). I never looked to cheat, nor did I believe I was capable. However, now I have. It sickens me inside that I did. It's not me. I've been spending my time trying to figure out what made me capable of this. I honestly believe its a combination of factors all rolled into one with a key ingredient of timing as well. I do believe I'm permanently scarred from when I was the betrayed spouse. I believe I am incapable of bonding with anyone to that depth again. I believe I lost much of who I am when my first husband cheated. I hope I can become who I was before that. But that is how it has affected me.

[ComingInHot]

LadyDrib: I'm SOOO sorry about what has brought you here! That kind of puts you on both sides of these forums doesn't it. Ugh! ( when I joined I didn't even know there was an OW side)* I know for sure that if you've been posting, at some point someone mentioned counceling, so I'm not going to. But I think I just did... Anyway, what I was thinking while reading your comment was... you are where you are at today, but do you have to stay there if it is keeping you from living your life (which I believe is pretty short to begin with) better? What brings joy to your life these days? What could be missing that could be added? I'll bet you've already thought of this but I really felt your pain come through on your post.*