ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I had recently posted that it wasn't "because" of FWH's affair our marriage was imp. roving etc... but that got me thinking, What does an affair make you, let's say in this scenario, once the affair has ended? Does it "make" you angry? Bitter? Sad? Lonely? Stronger? This could be for anyone who has been in or affected. For Me, I felt the whole spectrum of emotions but what it made me was, I'd have to say, aware but that's about it. I believe I'm still pretty much the me that I was before. Happy, optimistic still looking for the good etc.
Owl Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Human...which theoretically I was before the affair as well.
underwater2010 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I had recently posted that it wasn't "because" of FWH's affair our marriage was imp. roving etc... but that got me thinking, What does an affair make you, let's say in this scenario, once the affair has ended? Still optomistic, but not niave. Does it "make" you angry? Every once in awhile Bitter? No....I don't ever want to be that woman. Sad? Yes Lonely? No...he is still here and we both have our arms open to each other. Stronger? Yes. I realize that I can carry a heavy load on my shoulders and still keep ticking. 3
BetrayedH Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I hate to admit it but my wife's affair broke me several times. I can list each episode that did it. I wish I could say I stayed "myself." I didn't. My brain twisted logic to justify a revenge affair and I went to jail thanks to a drunken rage. No one that ever knew me would have said it was even possible (including myself). But now I feel like a broken vase that has been superglued back together. The places that were broken before are now the strongest parts. 7
todreaminblue Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I had recently posted that it wasn't "because" of FWH's affair our marriage was imp. roving etc... but that got me thinking, What does an affair make you, let's say in this scenario, once the affair has ended? Does it "make" you angry? Bitter? Sad? Lonely? Stronger? This could be for anyone who has been in or affected. For Me, I felt the whole spectrum of emotions but what it made me was, I'd have to say, aware but that's about it. I believe I'm still pretty much the me that I was before. Happy, optimistic still looking for the good etc. Takes time to get over grief does....but you have to believe there is love and goodness out there....or why continue living.......i find happiness in the middle of affairs i find positives to get through it....and i always do....i am spiritual......i believe in the higher power.......what i go through is insignificant in the big picture which is bigger than gods green earth all the deep blue azure seas he has made and my problems are not global........there are people who suffer much worse than i ever will, due to oppression ignorance racism segregation isolation.....an affair is what again.....im still thinking about oppression of the people.......we have free will and agency to be happy..we have free will and agency to believe what we want to believe in ....we have free will and agency to be sad depressed blue and down sometimes..and yes the world is stuffed, hatred, violence, lies, little compassion for the little people, the underdogs, the scorned ,the ridiculed the gentle and the meek, the humble, all have to suffer because of the state of the world in general, affairs are stuffed hurtful circumstances....i get depressed, grieve probably longer than most because i believe in family together forever.....and then i get happy......im still here......im lucky to be.....some arent so lucky as i have been to get through bad times....they dont make it....so try to get happy...you made it thats my opinion.....best wishes ....deb 1
MammaMia Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I am stronger than I thought I was before. Also wiser. I also learned that no one is above anything: no one.
todreaminblue Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Dammit that should have said Definitely. bent not broken dyslexic typing high five...lol....yay one more.....deb
GLDheart Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) What does it "make" me? I would say that more than anything, it "UNMADE" me. I seriously felt kicked down and shattered. She'll never know how deep it affected me. The damage was carefully hidden under a mask of resolution. But guess what? I get back up and have a chance to rebuild stronger than ever. Refocussed, repurposed, re-energized, and re-fueled with a touch of "In your face". "Me 2.0" is better than ever. Edited September 15, 2012 by GLDheart 5
mercy Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 What does it "make" me? I would say that more than anything, it "UNMADE" me. I seriously felt kicked down and shattered. She'll never know how deep it affected me. The damage was carefully hidden under a mask of resolution. But guess what? I get back up and have a chance to rebuild stronger than ever. Refocussed, repurposed, re-energized, and re-fueled with a touch of "In your face". "Me 2.0" is better than ever. I really love this answer! Only difference is I made sure he knew.
Author ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Thank you all who replied! I know that FWH's affair happened a long time ago and I found out in July two years ago, but it is just recently I am able to have the time to think about it. Last night hubby asked out on a date and we had an awesome time! We talked, laughed teased and flirted. I thought about it after and was pleasantly surprised that I was able to do that sincerely with him. Then for a moment this morning I thought, did he have a time or two like that with her? I quickly frisked that thought and feeling but I'm concerned that I DID think it. Does that make me changed or, like I stated above just more aware?... Or like Owl wrote, " human" what a mind $%@$# ** 2
mercy Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Thank you all who replied! I know that FWH's affair happened a long time ago and I found out in July two years ago, but it is just recently I am able to have the time to think about it. Last night hubby asked out on a date and we had an awesome time! We talked, laughed teased and flirted. I thought about it after and was pleasantly surprised that I was able to do that sincerely with him. Then for a moment this morning I thought, did he have a time or two like that with her? I quickly frisked that thought and feeling but I'm concerned that I DID think it. Does that make me changed or, like I stated above just more aware?... Or like Owl wrote, " human" what a mind $%@$# ** Honestly it isn't what was or what we imagine someone had that's important. It is the here and now, in this moment, that's what matters. It's what's important right now, finding joy in this moment. Making new memories, filling your heart with them. Believing that these moments right now are building you a new history and a beautiful future. Allow those thoughts to wash over you, then flick them away, not a second thought do you entertain. You've got better things to do with your time. You've got a life to live. 2
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) I think it does change us to some extent but I don't think it needs to define you or your fwh. After a two year reconciliation (which seems to have gone well for you), I agree with Mercy about looking forward. The information should change how you view your H and M (you'd be stupid to ignore it) but again, it doesn't have to define the M. I'm curious, did he confess or did you discover it? It he confessed, this does have a very positive impact on reconciliation. Edited September 15, 2012 by BetrayedH
Author ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Betrayed H: Husband was "outed" by OW. She emailed me with , what I read it, as a less than sincere apology sandwiched by half truths and insults. She must have been very hurt and angry. My husband would have preferred it to have forever stayed in the shadows as a huge mistake carrying undertones of exciting memories. ( ouch, that hurts to write) . I thanked OW for information that was "useable", confronted husband quietly and eerily calmly, and gave him the choice to go. He's a prideful man and was embarrased, humiliated and, albiet this was probably difficult form, "begged" me to allow him to stay. I don't quite remember when I made the decision to work on the marriage but it must have been after we moved (a week later) to a different state but he has made effort. As much as I would have liked in the beginning, NO, but over two year, he's doing pretty good*
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Betrayed H: Husband was "outed" by OW. She emailed me with , what I read it, as a less than sincere apology sandwiched by half truths and insults. She must have been very hurt and angry. My husband would have preferred it to have forever stayed in the shadows as a huge mistake carrying undertones of exciting memories. ( ouch, that hurts to write) . I thanked OW for information that was "useable", confronted husband quietly and eerily calmly, and gave him the choice to go. He's a prideful man and was embarrased, humiliated and, albiet this was probably difficult form, "begged" me to allow him to stay. I don't quite remember when I made the decision to work on the marriage but it must have been after we moved (a week later) to a different state but he has made effort. As much as I would have liked in the beginning, NO, but over two year, he's doing pretty good* Thanks for sharing. Sounds pretty "normal" in a sad way. If anything, it sounds actually better than normal. Most stories I hear are that year 2 is worse than year 1. The WS is typically super ready for you to be over it and the BS feels safe enough to release the anger they may not have felt safe enough to unleash in the first year. I hope that your reconciliation goes well. The successful reconciliations I see seem to turn a corner for the BS around the 4th year. If you are at the point where you are just trying to shed the occasional thought, I'd say you're doing quite well. Just make sure you're not sacrificing what you need just to keep the peace (not saying you're doing this but it did sound like you "might" be choking down those occasional thoughts). Unresolved resentment will slowly kill a relationship. Good luck.
Furious Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I had recently posted that it wasn't "because" of FWH's affair our marriage was imp. roving etc... but that got me thinking, What does an affair make you, let's say in this scenario, once the affair has ended? Does it "make" you angry? Bitter? Sad? Lonely? Stronger? This could be for anyone who has been in or affected. For Me, I felt the whole spectrum of emotions but what it made me was, I'd have to say, aware but that's about it. I believe I'm still pretty much the me that I was before. Happy, optimistic still looking for the good etc. I really haven't changed, my core, the person I've always been is stronger than ever. I'm not broken...just badly bruised and still healing. One thing I know is that with or without my husband I will be ok. 3
Author ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Betrayed H: I think I can say about your post... "hammer, nail, head". I think I do keep some things/feelings to myself. I don't know if that's because I DO NOT want the past brought up for him to dwell OR because I am embarrased or I risk facing that these random thoughts/feelings mean I'm NOT as strong or level headed as I should be or thought I was...
beenburned Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 You know I had a hard time pin pointing one answer for this! Since my d-day was many many years ago, and we are happily reconciled, I guess my answer is sad. Sad that it was ever a part of our long history together. But like Furious stated, I know I will be O.K. with or without H, as this event made me much more independent and self confident than I was before! 4
Steadfast Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 ...more than anything, it "UNMADE" me. I seriously felt kicked down and shattered. She'll never know how deep it affected me. The damage was carefully hidden under a mask of resolution. But guess what? I get back up and have a chance to rebuild stronger than ever. This is accurate for me too. But the 'rebuilding' is very painful. Good post. The key for me was gaining humility. Not that I was overly vain (not nearly as vain as the ex, in all truthfulness) but I did have entitlements that I thought should be met. Because she was my everything, I assumed I was her everything. This was on me. I entrusted way too much in the way of security in her but I was lead to believe it was a mutual agreement. Even after the divorce, she expected me to meet many of her wants and needs. When I denied that, her reaction told me everything I needed to know. I busted my gut because I loved her, and wanted to provide everything I possibly could to make her happy. She saw my actions as manipulation to get what I wanted. It's clear in hindsight, but at the time I had no idea she felt this way. I simply trusted a untrustworthy person. Who knew? My girlfriend and I celebrated three-years together this week. She's an amazing, beautiful woman and I love her. She loves me. My trust is rooted in the hope she stays faithful, not a misguided assumption that she will. Instead of buying into the alpha/beta male crap, I allow my experiences to influence my decision making process and make better ones now. It's the difference between knowing -or not knowing- what you're doing. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Betrayed H: I think I can say about your post... "hammer, nail, head". I think I do keep some things/feelings to myself. I don't know if that's because I DO NOT want the past brought up for him to dwell OR because I am embarrased or I risk facing that these random thoughts/feelings mean I'm NOT as strong or level headed as I should be or thought I was... Sounds like a really good question to ask during IC. You know, there's a lot a WS can do to help us heal but one of the cruel ironies is that really, we have to own our own healing. I had a really hard time accepting that the reality is that we do at some point have to "get over it." The BS does have to choke down that sh*t sandwich if we want to reconcile. We do have to accept that this is a permanent part of our marital history. It is very hard to do that and it's a very delicate dance we have to do to own our healing but to also not take the whole thing on ourselves (and build up resentment because we're doing all of the "heavy lifting" while they get a better marriage). I think we have to own our healing but I also think it's healthy to tell our WS when we're struggling so they can help us through it (apologize, show support/affection and so forth) and share some of the burden. In the end, the idea is that you're still a partnership. Of course, I didn't successfully reconcile so what the hell do I know? I think the problem in my case was that it wasn't a sandwich; it was a sh*t sandwich buffet and she kept adding sandwiches and I kept throwing them up all over her. 4
Author ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Steadfast: OH MY HOLY MOTHER I love your last paragraph!! It shows that Yes you were betrayed and "unmade" BUT it also confirms that ultimately you were made " aware" and because of that you are in a better position of clarity regarding your present relationship. And I am SOOOOO happy for you and where you are at now!!
Author ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Oh my gosh Betrayed H, you are so Awesome!!! :D
2sure Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I wish I was at the place so many of you are. Infidelity has made me not trust my own judgement. For example, tonight I have a date with a guy I've been out with 3 times. He works out of town often, we met through someone who doesn't know him that well. I did some googling, and a basic paid background search. It is taking me everything I've got to not pry even further. It's violating to him. I shouldn't go out with him. I'm too f'd up. 1
Author ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 2Sure: How long into this are you? I am SO sad with you for how are doing (yes. Sad WITH you). You are not alone! I've been here on LS for like a couple days and just the fact that somehow we are tied together with what we are dealing with or have dealt with is very comforting. And PLEASE hear me when I write You are NOT f'd up, what's happened to you (to all of us) is f'd up! Just because you may or may not be "ready" for a serious relationship doesn't make you f'd up. It may just mean that you are only ready right now for building Friendships. It may take the pressure off to look at this person as building a friendship, for starters* 1
beenburned Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 2sure, Cut yourself some slack!! Anybody that had been married to 2 serial cheating Hs would be affected by it all! You were strong enough to get out of both of your bad marriages! There is no need to rush any of your future relationships. Relax-enjoy!
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I wish I was at the place so many of you are. Infidelity has made me not trust my own judgement. For example, tonight I have a date with a guy I've been out with 3 times. He works out of town often, we met through someone who doesn't know him that well. I did some googling, and a basic paid background search. It is taking me everything I've got to not pry even further. It's violating to him. I shouldn't go out with him. I'm too f'd up. Boy, if you get that one figured out, let me know. 2
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