OW or WH telling you the truth??

September 15, 2012

I will get with Mercy to make sure my details are not too much. ( sorry Mercy, at the softball park now). But just know I didn't and won't put sexual details in it. Just places and times I wouldn't send sexual emails from him

September 15, 2012

Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but I think people are far more receptive than we give them credit for. I believe the BS knows that the OP is telling the truth, or at least she believes the OP is telling a version of the truth. That's why I keep saying that she is choosing not to believe the OP instead of saying that she does believe.

If the bs used an ounce of common sense they'd know the ws was lying. My mm has been lying through omission for years but has been lying left right and centre since dday. Eventually the truth will come out, I just don't know when. It's not my job to be honest with his wife, it's his!

September 15, 2012

Before this d-day he had convinced her we had sex twice when we were drunk. The respond to one of her text last week is when I gave the proof that we were out of town together in July. I know she believed me because in her last email she did say sex 3 times. I guess that's why I wonder if she just wants to believe him. I gave her proof he couldn't deny and obviously fessed up to it. But she still insists I forced him to communicate with me. I forced him to sext me.

September 15, 2012

Question for the OP since she seems to be struggling with this whole mess...

Why do you feel you have to tell the BS about details of your A with the MM right at this moment after all these years of not disclosing that info? What do you want to accomplish by doing that? How is that going to benefit you at this point?

You really have to think about it. I still think you should walk away and start regaining some of the dignity you already lost.

September 15, 2012

Question for the OP since she seems to be struggling with this whole mess...

Why do you feel you have to tell the BS about details of your A with the MM right at this moment after all these years of not disclosing that info? What do you want to accomplish by doing that? How is that going to benefit you at this point?

You really have to think about it. I still think you should walk away and start regaining some of the dignity you already lost.

I really don't know. It the very beginning it was to get back at him. As I said I had an email with way more detail than she ever needed to know. I do keep reading her emails and texts to me and as I've said I've re-written my email to her many times. All ( or at least I think) the "sex" comments are gone because I know that would be against him but hurt her even more. I know I hurt her and this will never just go away. They may work on their R and she'll end up happy with him. I do think she wants to believe he's the good guy and why would I destroy that and hurt her again. That's why I guess I keep posting here, I really don't know what to do.

September 15, 2012

I took this the opposite way - that she DOESN'T believe it was three times and was trying to bait you into giving her the truth.

Up until I gave her that info she had said twice like he admitted. The last email is when she said 3 times. I guess he had to admit it since there was no way to deny it because of what I said.

September 15, 2012

Wanting More: I understand. It doesn't feel good when someone is lying to OR about you. I wanted to say thank you for not sending the first draft of your apology email to the BS. It sounds like you are the kind of person who would have ended up having regrets about that. I don't know if the emails BS is sending you are full of questions or are just hurtful venting at you but if they are just mean then maybe block her? I can't see it doing you well emotionally Or helping you close the door to this thing for a bit while MM works his mess out... **

September 15, 2012

Before this d-day he had convinced her we had sex twice when we were drunk. The respond to one of her text last week is when I gave the proof that we were out of town together in July. I know she believed me because in her last email she did say sex 3 times. I guess that's why I wonder if she just wants to believe him. I gave her proof he couldn't deny and obviously fessed up to it. But she still insists I forced him to communicate with me. I forced him to sext me.

Okay, imo, IF she wants to know, she will ask you. If she doesn't want to know, or believe, that is NOT your problem. Is it important to you what she thinks of you? If so, I would let go of that quickly. She obvs needs to think that it was all you for her own survival right now. That's her coping, and that's okay. It's not fair to you, but nothing in this situation is going to be fair, so, you have to find a way to cope with that yourself.

It is not your job, or obligation, to save this woman from herself. If she is believing him, that's her right. And my guess is that it makes her feel better about the situation, which tells me that she is NOT ready to face the truth of the situation. In fact, if you try to inject the truth, you might be doing more harm than good, bc she will probably double down and dig in her heels. Let the truth come to her gradually, and it will, and she is far more apt to believe it.

I would offer her the truth, what she does with it (believes it or not) is her business. Then, I would get the f out of their marriage. They sound like a train wreck, and nothing good is going to come of it, it sounds like. You don't owe her any more than that, as you cannot MAKE her believe you or see the reality, she's not ready.

I know you're hurt, and understandably so. But, you are not responsible for their marriage, they are. Let them handle their business as they see fit, no matter how dysfunctional it is. You have offered her the truth, she doesn't believe it, that's her right. And imo ends your obligation completely. What more can you do if she doesn't want to believe it? You can't force her, and forcing her may be more damaging to her than just allowing her to do it her way. People use defense mechanisms for a very good reason, they are NOT ready for whatever is looming yet... it's self preservation. Allow her that, as anything before she is ready could destroy her.

When she's ready, if ever, she may come back around. Then it will be up to you if you are still willing to share. Right now, it looks to me like you've done all you can do, nobody can ask more from you than that.

September 15, 2012

Okay, imo, IF she wants to know, she will ask you. If she doesn't want to know, or believe, that is NOT your problem. Is it important to you what she thinks of you? If so, I would let go of that quickly. She obvs needs to think that it was all you for her own survival right now. That's her coping, and that's okay. It's not fair to you, but nothing in this situation is going to be fair, so, you have to find a way to cope with that yourself.

It is not your job, or obligation, to save this woman from herself. If she is believing him, that's her right. And my guess is that it makes her feel better about the situation, which tells me that she is NOT ready to face the truth of the situation. In fact, if you try to inject the truth, you might be doing more harm than good, bc she will probably double down and dig in her heels. Let the truth come to her gradually, and it will, and she is far more apt to believe it.

I would offer her the truth, what she does with it (believes it or not) is her business. Then, I would get the f out of their marriage. They sound like a train wreck, and nothing good is going to come of it, it sounds like. You don't owe her any more than that, as you cannot MAKE her believe you or see the reality, she's not ready.

I know you're hurt, and understandably so. But, you are not responsible for their marriage, they are. Let them handle their business as they see fit, no matter how dysfunctional it is. You have offered her the truth, she doesn't believe it, that's her right. And imo ends your obligation completely. What more can you do if she doesn't want to believe it? You can't force her, and forcing her may be more damaging to her than just allowing her to do it her way. People use defense mechanisms for a very good reason, they are NOT ready for whatever is looming yet... it's self preservation. Allow her that, as anything before she is ready could destroy her.

When she's ready, if ever, she may come back around. Then it will be up to you if you are still willing to share. Right now, it looks to me like you've done all you can do, nobody can ask more from you than that.

In response to all of this "she's not responsible for their marriage" nonsense...

She is responsible for invading this woman's freakin' marriage in the first place and for deliberately turning this woman's brains into freakin' mashed potatoes. Now that she has also been crapped on by the MM and suddenly become remorseful, she can either do something about it or be a coward and do nothing. But let's not sit here and pretend she's not responsible. I at least give her credit for not making such an "irresponsible" argument.

September 15, 2012

In response to all of this "she's not responsible for their marriage" nonsense...

She is responsible for invading this woman's freakin' marriage in the first place and for deliberately turning this woman's brains into freakin' mashed potatoes. Now that she has also been crapped on by the MM and suddenly become remorseful, she can either do something about it or be a coward and do nothing. But let's not sit here and pretend she's not responsible. I at least give her credit for not making such an "irresponsible" argument.

I never said she wasn't responsible for being the AP, or the devastation from that. I'm simply stating that if the BW refuses to accept the truth, she is NOT responsible for that. All she can do is give the BW the info she wants. What the BW decides to do with that info is NOT in her control. She can't make her believe it, she can't make her hear it, she can't make her understand it, she can't make her accept it.

As far as I know, the BW is NOT asking for info, but attacking. Understandable, yes. But what control does she have over that? None. The BW is obviously not ready/willing to hear and know the truth. At that point, I would back out, bc what's the point?

There are a lot of people who seem to believe that they can control others. This is false, absolutely false. You can manipulate in a false sense of controlling... but at the end of the day, you have 0 control over anyone but yourself. You give the information, and they do what they will with it. I would not continue to allow the BW to attack me. I would offer the information once, and then I would be done. There is nothing more that she can do at that point. Nothing.

And allowing the continued attacks does nothing but prolong this whole drama saturated situation. It doesn't help anyone heal, or move on, or begin to rebuild. If his wife chooses to be in the dark, that is her choice. I would let her be where she wants/needs to be. I'm not god, it's not my job to show her the light against her dragging her own feet.

What is your suggestion? For her to keep providing the info until the wife believes it? What if she NEVER believes it? How long does she continue to attempt to save this woman from herself and her husband? How much of her life does she devote to this?

September 15, 2012

I think it's time for you to make a decision. You've gotten feedback from all angles and many different voices..........so what are you going to do?

Don't you think it's time to decide and make it happen, so you can move on?

If you don't make up your mind, I would think you don't want to let go, you don't want to move on. Do you?

I do want to send it. And I do want to move on. Mercy has agreed to read my email because I don't want to come off as being vengeful or ugly or cruel. My apology is sincere. Hopefully Mercy will let me know her opinions. I do appreciate everyone's advice.

September 16, 2012

wanting more, the rules for pm'ing are you have to be a member for thirty days and have 100 posts.

It looks like you need two more posts and I don't know when in August you joined LS.

Also, under your user name it will say, established member.

I hope this happens soon!

September 16, 2012

I never said she wasn't responsible for being the AP, or the devastation from that. I'm simply stating that if the BW refuses to accept the truth, she is NOT responsible for that. All she can do is give the BW the info she wants. What the BW decides to do with that info is NOT in her control. She can't make her believe it, she can't make her hear it, she can't make her understand it, she can't make her accept it.

As far as I know, the BW is NOT asking for info, but attacking. Understandable, yes. But what control does she have over that? None. The BW is obviously not ready/willing to hear and know the truth. At that point, I would back out, bc what's the point?

There are a lot of people who seem to believe that they can control others. This is false, absolutely false. You can manipulate in a false sense of controlling... but at the end of the day, you have 0 control over anyone but yourself. You give the information, and they do what they will with it. I would not continue to allow the BW to attack me. I would offer the information once, and then I would be done. There is nothing more that she can do at that point. Nothing.

And allowing the continued attacks does nothing but prolong this whole drama saturated situation. It doesn't help anyone heal, or move on, or begin to rebuild. If his wife chooses to be in the dark, that is her choice. I would let her be where she wants/needs to be. I'm not god, it's not my job to show her the light against her dragging her own feet.

What is your suggestion? For her to keep providing the info until the wife believes it? What if she NEVER believes it? How long does she continue to attempt to save this woman from herself and her husband? How much of her life does she devote to this?

She and her AP lied after the first Dday then lied after the second Dday. The OP has since shared one piece of information to suggest that there was more. One. If I recall, it was about a phone conversation that the OP knew about. That's hardly convincing proof of a three year affair so let's quit suggesting that all the cards are on the table and that the BS is simply in denial. No one here is suggesting that the BS be manipulated to believe the truth. The fact is that she was manipulated to believe the deception that she believes today. If anything, it is the OP herself that supplied the MM with the "innocent" emails after the second Dday to help prove that there wasn't an ongoing affair.

No, she doesn't remotely need to spend her life convincing anyone of anything. Just once would be sufficient. It looks like that's what she has chosen to do and I applaud her for it. It's the right thing and the last thing she needs is more nonsense to justify keeping up the deception. I also applaud her decision to do it tactfully. THIS will help both women heal.

September 16, 2012

I signed up here on 8/25

September 16, 2012

Why do you think you need to tell her anything? Your realtionship was with the MM was it not? So now after a 3 year run you are goona drive a stake through his heart right? Because he is married and is trying not to blow up his whole life. And didn't tell her the truth abbout you, really? Plus he took as big of a risk as a man can take to spend 3 years in a realtionship with you. So you want to be remembered as the mean, vindicative scorned Other Woman? Not to mention he and his wife will most likely end up staying married anyway, whether you tell or not. This group likes the blood to flow. I wonder how many of these posters urging you to tell are divorced or reconciled? Why not just let it fade and let them work it out. You got him for 3 years. Do you want to really punish them both? Think for yourself about how you want this to be remembered and resolved. Good luck to you.

September 16, 2012

Yes. I lied at 1st And did provide one piece of info recently to her. Proof we were out of town together the month before, which as I said obviously he couldn't deny. I don't want to post the entire email on here (it's long). But I do have a copy of an email that he sent on 2009 ( a month after we started) where he bought me a plane ticket (I'm the passenger, he's the buyer) to meet him out of town and his message on the email says "now it's booked, I really hope you won't cancel on me".

September 16, 2012

Why do you think you need to tell her anything? Your realtionship was with the MM was it not? So now after a 3 year run you are goona drive a stake through his heart right? Because he is married and is trying not to blow up his whole life. And didn't tell her the truth abbout you, really? Plus he took as big of a risk as a man can take to spend 3 years in a realtionship with you. So you want to be remembered as the mean, vindicative scorned Other Woman? Not to mention he and his wife will most likely end up staying married anyway, whether you tell or not. This group likes the blood to flow. I wonder how many of these posters urging you to tell are divorced or reconciled? Why not just let it fade and let them work it out. You got him for 3 years. Do you want to really punish them both? Think for yourself about how you want this to be remembered and resolved. Good luck to you.

Remembered by whom? The MM? Her threw her under every tire of the bus and left her there. I'm sure he'd like to remember her as an idiot for protecting him anyway. Remembered by the BW? She thinks the OW is a crazy stalker that wouldn't leave her poor husband alone.

I would hope that someday the OP will remember herself as someone that made a tragic mistake (albeit a misguided mistake for "love") but also as a woman that did what she could to rectify her wrongs before she walked away from it.

September 16, 2012

Why do you think you need to tell her anything? Your realtionship was with the MM was it not? So now after a 3 year run you are goona drive a stake through his heart right? Because he is married and is trying not to blow up his whole life. And didn't tell her the truth abbout you, really? Plus he took as big of a risk as a man can take to spend 3 years in a realtionship with you. So you want to be remembered as the mean, vindicative scorned Other Woman? Not to mention he and his wife will most likely end up staying married anyway, whether you tell or not. This group likes the blood to flow. I wonder how many of these posters urging you to tell are divorced or reconciled? Why not just let it fade and let them work it out. You got him for 3 years. Do you want to really punish them both? Think for yourself about how you want this to be remembered and resolved. Good luck to you.

I'll start off saying how HE remembers me means absolutely Nothing to me!!! I've read lots of your posts and let me ask you a couple questions before I finish my answer answers to you. Have you told your OW or OOW you love them?? Have they told you???? Where did you meet them???(sorry if you've already said the answers in your previous posts)

September 16, 2012

I'll start off saying how HE remembers me means absolutely Nothing to me!!! I've read lots of your posts and let me ask you a couple questions before I finish my answer answers to you. Have you told your OW or OOW you love them?? Have they told you???? Where did you meet them???(sorry if you've already said the answers in your previous posts)

I love all the women in my life to some degree or another, and love women in general, but it's not all or nothing like this situation seems to be. The OW, yes we both feel love for each other and have expressed it, but I also love my wife as well. The OOW no, we are just friends and lovers when it's convneient. What difference does it make where we met? If your MM man made committments to you about leaving, divorcing etc, well that's unfortunate. Why would we ever want to leave and go through all that mess. I am curious waht you think you will acheive by blowing him up? At the end of the day or year, or 10 years how has that impacted your life? You already lied for him, and regardless of any evidence you present, your credibility with the wife is shot. And at the end of the day, he will do a mea culpa and smooth his wife over and she will stay. Like I said, good luck to you, keep in mind karma as you get your pound of flesh.

September 16, 2012

I love all the women in my life to some degree or another, and love women in general, but it's not all or nothing like this situation seems to be. The OW, yes we both feel love for each other and have expressed it, but I also love my wife as well. The OOW no, we are just friends and lovers when it's convneient. What difference does it make where we met? If your MM man made committments to you about leaving, divorcing etc, well that's unfortunate. Why would we ever want to leave and go through all that mess. I am curious waht you think you will acheive by blowing him up? At the end of the day or year, or 10 years how has that impacted your life? You already lied for him, and regardless of any evidence you present, your credibility with the wife is shot. And at the end of the day, he will do a mea culpa and smooth his wife over and she will stay. Like I said, good luck to you, keep in mind karma as you get your pound of flesh.

Sauron, you're just nervous that your master plan to smooth things over when your Dday happens ain't gonna be so smooth. As it turns out, women's feelings do get hurt and you're not going to be able to count on the benevolence of your OW to protect your ass because if anyone should be watching out for karma, it's you. You're extracting a pound of flesh from several women at once and just hoping that something keeps their mouths shut for what? For you? Hope you've got a swiss bank account and the keys to your yacht at the ready. Wantingmore got played by someone like you and now she sees that the BW is still being played by the same guy. Good for her for righting her wrongs.

September 16, 2012

I was in that position Sauran - now I actually asked BS if she knew the truth, as I had been told she did by MM. Well I asked her if she did and confirmed it. Now we are all on a level playing field and although it hurts like hell, at least we all get to choose. Having said that when I came on here and told everyone I told her, I got accused of rubbing her nose in it and being a drama queen though actually I just had a quiet word with her in a separate room, after having tried to call her several times in six months and I told MM I would do this..but it is a better position to be in now that I know she knows, she can pretend she doesn't and I won't feel sorry for her about her being gaslighted anymore..

September 16, 2012

BH,

Great post!!! I couldn't have said it better myself!

September 16, 2012

And I would add although it won't let me edit ten minutes later!!

Saurons wife is probably aware but is happy to keep the money and the house in tact.

Just for the record, MM has not stopped contact with me although we don't know what our relationship is right now, i am sure she needs to know that too. But i won't be telling her, I no longer care what she believes and she has not contacted me to find out..

Wanting More, please PM me we are going though the same thing

Edited September 16, 2012 by j'adore

September 16, 2012

BH,

Great post!!! I couldn't have said it better myself!

Your DDs story is another one that shows how much the MM miscalculates it all. And, of course, they all think they're too smart to get caught.

September 16, 2012

I was in that position Sauran - now I actually asked BS if she knew the truth' date=' as I had been told she did by MM. Well I asked her if she did and confirmed it. Now we are all on a level playing field and although it hurts like hell, at least we all get to choose. Having said that when I came on here and told everyone I told her, I got accused of rubbing her nose in it and being a drama queen though actually I just had a quiet word with her in a separate room, after having tried to call her several times in six months and I told MM I would do this..but it is a better position to be in now that I know she knows, she can pretend she doesn't and I won't feel sorry for her about her being gaslighted anymore.. [/i']

This is the kind of closure that wm needs. Confirm that the BS has the truth and then leave it alone so she can heal herself. Just like you, once she has done that, she can wash her hands of them both.

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