eleanorrigby Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I vote that you skip the apology altogether and send her all the information she needs through a courier or something. If you can make sure that only his wife can sign for the package, all the better. Before you do that, change your email and phone numbers, and/or block MM from contacting you. 1
Author wanting more Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 She most certainly is stalling. She's scared. I get that. And her MM will hate her, which she's already mentioned is a concern. If she wants to do what's best for the BS, she will stop the stalling and provide her with the information. If she put herself in the BS's place, she would want the same courtesy and compassion. Please please tell me when or how I said I was concerned about him hating me??? I know one day the hurt will really hit me as I really truly loved this man. At this point all I have is the hate for how he treated me. I feel he's thrown me away like a piece of trash and I really don't understand how, because I did think he loved me. I have no intention of ever talking to him again. I will never go thru this again. I still think yours reading me wrong from my 1st posts when I was more focused on hurting him. I am at this point thinking more of what I've done to her.
eleanorrigby Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I agree and disagree. If she wants to send an apology.......send it. She knows it's unlikely to be accepted, but if she feels its right for her, send it. I ABSOLUTELY agree with blocking mm. If you send it, do not under any circumstances give him the option of contacting you. You are done, you don't need to listen to his crap. Over and out! He is not your problem. I don't believe she's ready to give a "real" apology. I think any apology she sends now is going to piss the BW off and momentarily shift her focus away from where it needs to be.
mercy Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 wanting more, I'm on if you want to pm me, feel free.
Author wanting more Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 wanting more, I'm on if you want to pm me, feel free. I'm sitting at a football game with my son. May be a while :-(
Author wanting more Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 You clearly stated that you knew full disclosure would mean he would hate you. Remember when you were going through the various scenerio's? You also clearly implied that his protection was first and foremost AND you were also a participant in gas lighting the BS for a SECOND dday. You also initially stated that you were waiting for him to contact you to get your stories straight and for him to give you a heads up and you were VERY upset when he didn't let you know what was going on. You fully expected him to do what he did after the first dday: You protect him . . . He protects you. And you were pissed when he didn't do that this time around. And of course you were called out on that. Re-read your threads in their entirety so you can see what you wrote. In any case, getting thrown under the bus has obviously changed your way of thinking about this situation, but obviously not enough to do the right thing. Still not seeing where I said I was concerned he would hate me. Yex, in the beginning I thought if would be like 1st d-day. Yes I was upset he didnt contact me. But now I see what we really were Nothing!!!! And here is where I am now. Sorry for everything. Sorry for getting involved with him. Sorry for believing his lies. Sorry for hurting his W.
mercy Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I'm sitting at a football game with my son. May be a while :-( That's ok. I'll be on for awhile. Have fun!
eleanorrigby Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I don't know......you may be right, I might be also. You or I just can't know where this BS is at. Wanting more is the one we are advising and she needs to do what she feels is best for her. If she is REALLY feeling it, I say do it. I get you. My advice is always geared towards ending a BS pain or avoiding more of it for them. 1
Author wanting more Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 I do appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice.
Author wanting more Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Please make sure you block this man from contacting you. Don't for a minute think he's done with you. Him done with me or not means nothing to me. I KNOW I am done with him. He's hurt me worse than I've ever known i could hurt. And I know I should've expected it because it was an A but it still hurts.
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 The fact of the matter here is that the BW is likely only staying with her WH because she does NOT know the facts. Wantingmore and the WH made aure of that. Now she wants to do the right thing. The right thing is to correct the wrong that was done to the BW. DON'T let her continue to believe that you were just the crazy stalker and stay with this man. And it is clear that you want to apologize. Do both of these things. Apologize and give her clear and definitive proof that the MM lied and is lying thru his damn teeth so she is not left in her insanity. I trust no one more than Mercy to help draft such a message. Alice is also right that this has gone on long enough. There are no excuses left for leaving this woman believing the nonsense that is being shoveled to her. It would be different if the BW knew that there was a 3 year affair and didn't want details and just wanted to reconcile. In this case, the BW is being gaslighted so badly that she is laughing at the OP, thinking the OW is deluded. In reality, she is the one that is deluded thanks to the MM and OW. The OP has a chance to put this one thing right and to express her apology. There is no ethical question here. Be merciful to the wife or leave her in hell. 3
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 aww you are just the sweetest, lad! I must have a soft spot for women with sexy red-head avatars. 1
mercy Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I must have a soft spot for women with sexy red-head avatars. JACK! Oh behave I'm old enough to be your mum! My sister picked her out, said it reminded her of me.
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 JACK! Oh behave I'm old enough to be your mum! My sister picked her out, said it reminded her of me. Your age doesn't intimidate me, dear lass. But the damn boundaries I've learned here say I better quit this conversation. I had to do the same thing with Tara about a week ago. Damn intelligent women get me all worked up. Aren't you suppose to be writing right now anyway? 1
ThatJustHappened Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) wanting more.......how about this. Start with sending her an apology, a nice sincere apology if that is what you are really feeling. Tell her you are sorry for lying/covering up for him before. Tell her that you know you can't make it right but you do have proof of how long the affair was, etc and tell her that you'd like her to have this information so she can base her decisions not just on what he is telling her. If you hear from her, send it and say I will clarify if you want me to but I need to protect myself and it's a one time thing. If you don't hear from her, then assume she does not want to talk to you in any way. Either way, you will have said your apology and you've opened the door for her to get information. If she doesn't want it.........it's still alright. Then step back and concentrate on yourself. You've got to let both of them go. This is an excellent solution. The BS had no say in the affair, something that could potentially change her life drastically..she deserves a say in the aftermath. Edited September 15, 2012 by ThatJustHappened 2
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 This is an excellent solution. The BS had no say in the affair, something that could potentially change her life drastically..she deserves a say in the aftermath. I would agree with this except that since she believes that the OP is a crazy stalker, the fact is that she is not going to believe ANYTHING from the OP until the proof has been laid plain. I can see avoiding details of a sexual nature unless she asks but honestly, a bunch of mind movies is not the biggest problem here. The biggest problem is that the poor woman is going so far as to laugh in the face of the OP because she has been gaslighted so much. She's dedicating the rest of her life to this man because she has been horribly fooled, not because she has asked to keep her head in the sand. 2
ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 From what I've read it sounds to me like the BS KNOWS the affair happened at this point. So, if the honest to God sincerity is in your heart. And this will "help" you move on, then leave out all details Except your heartfelt apology then leave her the option for a one time Q and A email explaining that after that q and a email you will change/block whatever and leave her and their marriage forever. This way, you have released yourself to move on and take on the world with a clean slate ( I hope others don't take the term "clean slate" in the wrong manner)** 1
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 The BS believes they had sex twice and it stopped after Dday #1. It was a 3 year affair and her H is lying about it. The truth about it being 3 years is what she needs to know. 2
OpenBook Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 If the BS wants answers I am assuming she knows where you are and how to contact you. Personally, I would leave it up to her. Their marriage is their marriage and is their business. Leave them to it. Well now, that's quite a switch! I completely agree. WM - when in doubt, DON'T DO IT! Stay out of it. Not your problem anymore, and it won't bring you closure, it would just draw you back into the horrible mess your xMM has created. Let it go. 1
mercy Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 For some reason wanting more you can't receive a pm. I asked why in the question section. Maybe I'll get an answer as to why. I'll be back on later tonight.
ThatJustHappened Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I would agree with this except that since she believes that the OP is a crazy stalker, the fact is that she is not going to believe ANYTHING from the OP until the proof has been laid plain. I can see avoiding details of a sexual nature unless she asks but honestly, a bunch of mind movies is not the biggest problem here. The biggest problem is that the poor woman is going so far as to laugh in the face of the OP because she has been gaslighted so much. She's dedicating the rest of her life to this man because she has been horribly fooled, not because she has asked to keep her head in the sand. Maybe I'm being overly optimistic, but I think people are far more receptive than we give them credit for. I believe the BS knows that the OP is telling the truth, or at least she believes the OP is telling a version of the truth. That's why I keep saying that she is choosing not to believe the OP instead of saying that she does believe. 1
beenburned Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 TJH, BetrayedH is right about this! After the first d-day, MM and the OW collaborated their false story to the BW. Even to the point of sending "doctored up emails" etc. Now there has been a second d-day and the MM is throwing OW under a bus. He is also totally lying to his wife in order to save his a**. This was a 3 year affair, not a ONS. This BW needs to have all the evidence in order to see how bad her H is lying and gaslighting her! She would probably divorce him if she knew the affair was long term!
ThatJustHappened Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) TJH, BetrayedH is right about this! After the first d-day, MM and the OW collaborated their false story to the BW. Even to the point of sending "doctored up emails" etc. Now there has been a second d-day and the MM is throwing OW under a bus. He is also totally lying to his wife in order to save his a**. This was a 3 year affair, not a ONS. This BW needs to have all the evidence in order to see how bad her H is lying and gaslighting her! She would probably divorce him if she knew the affair was long term! I guess you guys are right. I'm just thinking about how I felt when I saw all the emails, pictures, video (yes, there was actual video of their carnal activities..it's burned into my brain forever), etc..from the OW. It was almost too much to handle..I still, to this day, wish I hadn't seen it..and this guy was only my boyfriend (of 5 years)..if he'd been my husband I probably would have thrown up. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Edited September 15, 2012 by ThatJustHappened 1
BetrayedH Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I guess you guys are right. I'm just thinking about how I felt when I saw all the emails, pictures, video (yes, there was actual video of their carnal activities..it's burned into my brain forever), etc..from the OW. It was almost too much to handle..I still, to this day, wish I hadn't seen it..and this guy was only my boyfriend (of 5 years)..if he'd been my husband I probably would have thrown up. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. I certainly agree that the sexual detail crap should be left out entirely but the B is otherwise being gaslighted and there's a long history of it. I think we just have had the benefit of reading wantingmore's other threads that had the detail. I think she needs to share the truth gracefully and the fact that she's apologizing is good for both women, too. As for PMs, the OP may have to wait until she has 30 days and 100 posts before it's enabled. 1
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