wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 If you found out about the A yet your WH is still lying about his involvement and you do want to work thru things. Would you really want to know the truth from the OW?? I feel from here emails to me she wouldn't believe me anyway even though it's things he couldn't deny. I am sorry for my part in the A and the hurt I've caused her. I haven't sent an apology yet. I don't know what I'll do to be honest. I am trying to move on but I do have guilt with what I've done to her. And I do have very bad feelings towards him because of all the lies. To me and obviously knowing he's still lying to her.
Owl Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 There is rarely any positive outcome from interaction with the AP post d-day. If your H isn't telling you the truth...then he's not interested in reconciliation. Deal with him accordingly, but don't waste your time trying to get the AP to work with you on it.
underwater2010 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 If you really feel the bad go talk to her with the evidence. Apologize and move on. If you can't, then let it go. Send her emails to the junk folder and ignore them.
Author wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 As much as I hate to admit it on this board. I am the OW in this situation.
2sure Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 There is rarely any positive outcome from interaction with the AP post d-day. If your H isn't telling you the truth...then he's not interested in reconciliation. Deal with him accordingly, but don't waste your time trying to get the AP to work with you on it. I think OP is OW? If you feel guilty do yourself a favor and send an apology so you don't have to carry this around. Your apology will be empty unless you give her the truth. Don't expect the apology to be accepted or demand the truth be believed. That's not what it's about right now. 1
Owl Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 My apologies...I get stories confused. Must be getting old! Since you're the OW...if they're in the process of reconciling...your best bet, for both them and for yourself...is to remain out of it...forever. Walk away. Let them worry about their own recovery/reconciliation. It's not your problem if he's still lying to her or not at this point. Focus instead on healing...because the odds are this hurt you a heck of a lot too. Focus on helping YOURSELF recovery, and leave them to deal with their own wounds. If she reaches out to you for confirmation...be honest, up front, and truthful. But...don't let her drag you into a constant back and forth comparison of things either. Let her know that you'll answer her questions once, honestly...if she asks. Once that's done, you go back to taking care of yourself. Hope that helps, and again, my apologies for the confusion. 1
mercy Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Send her the truth and then block her from emailing you. Give it to her, she needs. To me, it's the right thing to do. Then you do whatever it takes to help you heal. Be kind to yourself. You matter too. 3
BetrayedH Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 If you found out about the A yet your WH is still lying about his involvement and you do want to work thru things. Would you really want to know the truth from the OW?? I feel from here emails to me she wouldn't believe me anyway even though it's things he couldn't deny. I am sorry for my part in the A and the hurt I've caused her. I haven't sent an apology yet. I don't know what I'll do to be honest. I am trying to move on but I do have guilt with what I've done to her. And I do have very bad feelings towards him because of all the lies. To me and obviously knowing he's still lying to her. Wanting More, this has obviously been getting to you for some time and it isn't just going away. I honestly think you need to make one last effort both for your benefit and for that of the BW. Your situation had a lot of drama and it's understandable that the ethics become confused at first when it appears that the BW doesn't want the truth. I don't think you should make that assumption and if anything, you can tell that the MM is skilled at deception, manipulation, gas lighting, minimizing, blame shifting. You don't know if she really "wants" to know but you sure as hell know he is a liar and quite frankly, getting away with it. And "most" BSs would want to know. I think this scenario is becoming more clear to you over time. An unsolicited apology would (eventually) be a benefit to the BS but sharing the truth with her is a real action that is tangible and would allow her to make an informed decision about how to spend her life. She is being deprived of that and you have the power to act. If I recall correctly, you had prepped an email. I think you send it (including the apology), offer one (and only one) opportunity to ask questions, and then you move forward with your life knowing that in the end, you did what you could as a small reparation for involving yourself in her family. If you weren't morally convicted about it, maybe you could just move on. I think you will wrestle with it until it is done and then you will permit yourself to heal. For what it is worth, I applaud your willingness to post here and that you are truly trying to figure out how to do the right thing. People can make big mistakes. I think how we react afterwards is the real reflection of our character. Washing your hands of it is the easy route. I am glad to see you wrestling with it. Good luck. 2
beenburned Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I agree with Mercy. Send this woman all the evidence you have proving her H is still lying to her. My grown D will be forever grateful to her H's 2 OWs for providing her with all the proof she needed to know he was still lying to her. She immediately filed for divorce when she knew he had cheated for over half of their marriage. 1
ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Wanting More: It reads that you are sincerely sorry. I can only tell you what I wished. OW instigsted D-day via email to me. She wrote that she was sorry then proceeded to insult me based on my FWH's lies to her and her own "assessment" of me the three brief times we interacted at work. It didn't Feel like a sincere apology. It wasn't in my case. I WISHED she would have let me know about said affair, apologized then left it in my court to ask any questions. But I received the information needed to know that the affair did happen and respectfully explained I wished no more contact. I WISHED she would have accepted that. To me those actions would have seemed sincere to me. Whatever you decide from here on out let your actions show your integrity and sincerity toward yourself and the BS. **
freestyle Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Send the truth, and detach from the outcome. Switch your focus back to yourself---and you will start feeling better, and healthier. 1
Author wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 I do have an email (actually I've probably typed and retyped and typed again ) because the 1st one did start out with stories about "our" love. As I read it I realized how stupid I looked and took that out. I also knew I looked vengeful against her which is NOT what I want. The last one is my apology and facts. Ive thought of posting it on here, not for anyone's approval but because you are BWs and BHs I want to know I don't sound like this crazy horrible bi*ch just out for vengeance and trying to hurt her more. Does that make sense?? 4
SoleMate Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 You're welcome to post your draft, I'll be happy to comment. I recommend 1-2 paragraphs max. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I do have an email (actually I've probably typed and retyped and typed again ) because the 1st one did start out with stories about "our" love. As I read it I realized how stupid I looked and took that out. I also knew I looked vengeful against her which is NOT what I want. The last one is my apology and facts. Ive thought of posting it on here, not for anyone's approval but because you are BWs and BHs I want to know I don't sound like this crazy horrible bi*ch just out for vengeance and trying to hurt her more. Does that make sense?? I think it makes sense to get feedback. At the same time, I think that by the third draft and with a legitmate attempt to be sensitive, you're probably close enough and it's time to get it over with rather than delaying further to perfect it. I like to check things off my to-do list and I think it's time to do just that so you can move on to the next thing.
Author wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 wantingmore, something that you need to accept before you send it. You CAN NOT control how she will feel about you. You've got to let that go. She may hate you, she may feel pity for you or she may find empathy. No way to know and heck how she feels about you will probably change by the day. The one thing you can be sure of, IMO, is that if you give her the truth and you back it up with facts, she will be grateful that she has the truth. Concentrate on the truth and that she has a right to it, since her lying pos hubby isn't giving it to her. Put yourself in her shoes. TRUTH! I do know that. I don't expect her forgiveness or any other feelings besides hate towards me. Which I know are well deserved. I just get so confused as if I'm making it worse on her
Author wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 I think it makes sense to get feedback. At the same time, I think that by the third draft and with a legitmate attempt to be sensitive, you're probably close enough and it's time to get it over with rather than delaying further to perfect it. I like to check things off my to-do list and I think it's time to do just that so you can move on to the next thing. Thanks. I guess I really fear I'm hurting even more than I have since I know she wants to work through this with him.
BetrayedH Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I do know that. I don't expect her forgiveness or any other feelings besides hate towards me. Which I know are well deserved. I just get so confused as if I'm making it worse on her As a BS, I don't see how she can possibly be in a worse position than she is now. 2
freestyle Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I do know that. I don't expect her forgiveness or any other feelings besides hate towards me. Which I know are well deserved. I just get so confused as if I'm making it worse on her If you refrain from defending yourself, or gushing about your love for her H--and simply give her the facts, with a sincere, "I'm sorry"---it's less likely to be salt in the wound. Here's a great article I came across, describing the difference between a meaningful apology, and a meaningless apology---(I like to call those a fauxpology)--- There's some religious content in the article, I hope it's not offensive to you, just to forewarn you. It's not the main thrust of the article, however. The author really dissects the psychology of apologizing in an in-depth way. Meaningful vs. Meaningless Apologies 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 OMM told me the real story from beginning to end when my wife would not. I was very grateful to him for that. It did in a way seal the deal and end up being a major factor in our marriage going down the toilet...but I needed to know what I found out. It gave me the opportunity to make informed decisions about where I was going in life and who I was putting my life's hands into. I am NOT ok with being lied to constantly or risking raising another man's child. BSs deserve to know the truth and they will desperately seek that truth until they have it. The first person that should tell them is their WS, if they don't have the guts then it's up to the AP, if not them then it usually falls to the other BS. The lies are the worst part of the whole thing. BSs go insane trying to separate fact from fiction. Anything you can do to help them will that will help them find their way, whether it's out the door, or staying put. Either direction will eventually lead to peace. 1
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 One other point, the reason OMM told me the story was because I asked. Initially I asked them both how it started separately. I tried to do the cop thing where you separate the two and then get separate stories. My WW made such a fuss that I had to let her talk to him briefly before hand...I was within earshot, but it was enough for her to whisper something to him I guess...sigh. The story was that it was only one night.... Then of course I had doubted that, because she had gotten pregnant, either by me or him. I searched for the truth for 3 months. I found it finally in a FB conversation. It had been a 4 month affair, hotels and all. Then I emailed OMM to tell him that I knew the truth, and that's when he opened up and told the full story. His version was wayyy more complete than my wife's revised version and I was finally convinced I had the real story. I so needed that closure. My point is that we will search and search and search. Susipicioun runs extremely high and do not underestimate the inteligence and determination of a BS...wow..some of the sleuthing I've heard about!
Author wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 For everyone's comments. I've re read the letter again and I think it's to ugly or mean or direct. I don't know.
Furious Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 If you found out about the A yet your WH is still lying about his involvement and you do want to work thru things. Would you really want to know the truth from the OW?? I feel from here emails to me she wouldn't believe me anyway even though it's things he couldn't deny. I am sorry for my part in the A and the hurt I've caused her. I haven't sent an apology yet. I don't know what I'll do to be honest. I am trying to move on but I do have guilt with what I've done to her. And I do have very bad feelings towards him because of all the lies. To me and obviously knowing he's still lying to her. It's a tough situation you're caught between, and l can feel how sincere you are and how much pain you're also going through. It's a good thing you never sent your original e-mail to his wife due to the stress and turmoil you were experiencing and it's message to her would have been lost and misunderstood. Writing your thoughts, and re-reading them over time will give yourself clarity and in a way will be a sort of therapy. Give yourself some time to decide, prepare yourself emotionally and consider the many scenarios you may face if the opportunity to speak to her were to happen.
mercy Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 For everyone's comments. I've re read the letter again and I think it's to ugly or mean or direct. I don't know. If you want to pm me later tonight I'll help you with the letter.
Author wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Stop trying to validate the affair. Nothing he said or did means anything now. And yet your previous posts indicate that you want her to know how much he "loved" you and how he said this or that. Because you don't like her dumping on you. It's not about you. As soon as you realize the email is not meant for you to get validation, then you can write a genuine letter. I know it's not about me. You keep going back to my 1st post here when I was confused and pi**ed. I an still pi**ed at myself and him. I lost my cool once and responded to her with an example of us being together. When I said the email is mean or ugly, that's not what I want it to be to her. I want to apologize. I want her to know he's still lying to her and their children. Im not looking to hurt her more in a vengeful way.
Author wanting more Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 If you want to pm me later tonight I'll help you with the letter. How do I pm you?
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