Ex from a 5 1/2 yr relationship is comming back, but now i'm with someone else

[Evanescence]

OK

 

I came on here during my break up with my ex of 5 1/2 years and it helped a lot. I'm hoping everyone can help again. My ex broke up with me when things were getting EXTREMELY serious. Bottom line was he had to "make sure" before he actually settled down. We dated since i was 16 and he was 17, so.. young. Neither of us had really had a relationship with anyone else. I was devistated. Begged him to come back, then finally gave up on it. Especially after I found out that he had a new gf a week after we broke up (he says he didn't break up with me for her, but is that the truth? How do you have no interest in someone one day, and a few days later want to be with them? Especially since they work together!). Anyway, a few months of professional therapy, losing 30 lbs and grades dropping go by and I started seeing someone. We really hit it off and started dating. We've been together for 3 months now. The relationship is going really well considering we live 4 hours apart. However, I can't trust him. I don't know if it is because of my ex bf or because of the way my new bf acts, but I'm having a really hard time with it. I also know that I will never love someone the way I loved my ex. The love was so pure. It didn't know any kind of pain... he was my first everything. It hurts so much to know I'll never have that again.

 

Anyway, the other day my ex called me (as he does every month - i don't call him ever). Every time he calls me he is extremely nice and acts very weird for the person who did the breaking up. This time he asked me if we could meet in person (we haven't seen each other since the break up and that was almost 6 months ago). He said he just really needs to see me. He has some things that he says he wants to say to me and he's been thinking very carefully about how he was going to say them, and now he's ready to do it. I told him i didn't want to see him for at least another month. He insisted that the sooner the better (but yet when i wanted to see him right after the break up SO BAD he refused??!). So.. i figured I may as well get it over with. We haven't exchanged stuff yet, so I do have to see him some time (I'm moving back to school in September so before then). He said he wants to hear all about how I felt through the break up and how i'm feeling now.

 

He still considers me his best friend (ok.. if he's my best friend, where was he during the hardest part of my life (i.e. the last few months), where was he on my bday (he didn't even call until a week later)?) He said that he still thinks of me daily and wonders what would have happened if he hadn't of done what he did. He says there must be some reason that he is having a good relationship with someone else but yet can't stop thinking of me. He says he has never and will never rule out the possibilty of us getting back together. He doesn't want to think that it may never happen. He just needed a "break" from me. He then asked "well, do you ever think about us getting back together?" and "what would you say if i asked you if you wanted to?". What the heck am I suppose to say to that?

 

Ok, so now I'm just torn. Truth is I still do think of him every day and where would I be today if we didn't break up. I still get the "what ifs". When I first started dating my current bf, all of those things went away. I was genuinely happy. My new bf seemed so much better than my ex and I was so glad that we had the chance to be together. But now, even before the phone call from the ex, I've been finding myself crying every day over what happened with me and the ex. I have been SO depressed. Then he calls and throws me into a bigger mess.

 

I really don't know what to do. I'm thinking that I should stay with my current bf. If things are meant to be with me and the ex, it will happen eventually right? I don't have any reason to drop the new bf , but I do have reason to stay away from the old one. Does that seem like the best thing to do?

 

Anyone else go through something like this? Help please!

[unsafe]

I had a serious boyfriend for 3 years in high school it was the hardest thing I ever went through. But I eventually got over it. It wasn't easy and scared me and now its hard for me to trust but trust comes with work, love and dedication.

 

I think that you should not break up with the new guy no matter how you feel about the distance or the trust. If you are happy then stay with him if not break things off with him but DO NOT GO BACK TO YOUR EX. He still have his girlfriend. He is coming back after 6 months and talking ot you like that when he has a girlfriend. I wonder what she would say to that? He is trying to keep you there just in case this doesn't work out or when he decides to end it you will be there. Don't let him tear you apart like that. Be strong and know you deserve more then that. he is playing with your emotions.

 

If you haven't met up with him yet. Don't...he wouldn't meet up with you so to bad. If he really wants to talk to you he can come to you and show up at your door step..if it means that much to him. He just wants to keep you on the side. I am telling you. I am sure he loves you and thinks about you..come one that was a serious and long relationship. But he had a new girlfriend a week after you broke up. Oh he so was at least interested in this girl way before you broke up and he works with her. I bet they had the tension and flirtation going on so he thought the grass was greener on the other side. He will eventually learn its not. But don't hurt a good guy for a guy that had the nerve to hurt you like that and not be there for you. Plus he told you he needed a break from you. Who needs a break from someone they love...like that. I can see a vacation with the buddies or whatever..but a break to date someone else that is crap.

 

Please dont' make the same mistake I made. I had met a great guy...dated for a few months then the ex found out didn't want me to move on..so he started coming back. I left the good guy for the ex..I was young and didn't know what I was doing. But my ex broke up with me two months later. We never got back together again. I knew he was no good for me.

 

If you are meant to be he will show you more then just talk. He will break up with her and come back and do whatever it take to be with you. Until then don't give him the time of day. Don't tell him what you have been through and how you are now. Tell him I love you you mean alot to me...but you broke my heart. If I am that important to you..you will show me. Other wise I am doing fine...and don't mess with my head you have already done enough damage..and leave it at that. He know you love him...and he also knows you will not stand for his games...

 

good luck

[HokeyReligions]

Sounds like your ex just wanted to keep you on the shelf as his own safety net should things not work out with any new girls he dates. That's not fair.

 

I will never love someone the way I loved my ex. The love was so pure. It didn't know any kind of pain... he was my first everything. It hurts so much to know I'll never have that again.

 

No. The next time it will be even better. Enjoy dating different guys, getting to know new people and have some new experiences. Learn about yourself and how you interact with different dynamics in a relationship. Learn to trust yourself. Talk to your therapist again if you feel the need. Don't see your ex. Box his stuff and have someone else take it to him, or leave it for him somewhere to pick up and drop off your stuff.

 

Make a commitment to yourself to put your ex in the past. Ask him to stop contacting you. Go back to school with no second guesses about him or your relationship and look ahead, not back, and have fun!

[beautiful]

I been there Evanescence!

 

I never posted my story on here , however I been through this.

I walked away from my ex bf 17 month ago because of reasons I don't want to rehash again. Let's just say he did not treat me good so I left.

 

He would call me exactly every 1-2 weeks and tell me stuff like , oh I am still so in love with you. I want to marry you and have a family etc etc etc blah blah blah.

 

Than he stops calling me for weeks at a time only to call me again telling me all the same stuff. He tells me he wants to see me , misses me etc etc blah blah blah.

 

Now mind you in the beginning I thought OK, maybe, just maybe he is sincere because he sounded so sincere. I was still in hope at that time!

 

So he opened the door for me to step into his life........................I put one foot in that door and SLAM!!!!#@!#@!

 

Now it is 17 month later and he still calls me, telling me oh everything will be OK. This is what I get in my voice mail now because I refuse to answer his calls.

 

It is a game! Guys do that to keep you around just in case! I know through the grapevine that he has a girl flying in from another state to visit him, probably someone he met online again ......................same old story:-). Someone he is madly in love with for NOW!

 

I am telling from experience that the best thing you can do is , stay with your current bf and forget the ex. If he was so sincere with you , he would do everything in his power to make it right and that means, he will show up in front of your doorstep on his knees begging you to forgive him. And even than proceed with CAUTION!

 

I walked away and it was the best choice I ever made. I now have blocked my ex completely. I never did before because I almost fell for his lines. I know better!

 

I think that in the beginning we all hope so much that things can change. It is an exception to the rule that they can change and it ends happily.

 

The truth is that we are the ones who must make the change not them. When we change, everything else around us will change as well, for the better I promisse you!

 

I am happy and so content. I date and I have a blast. I know I will never go back to my ex. He does not deserve a great person like me. He can get all his love from online chicks that tell him after 2 days of chatting how much in love they are with him:-) Sick isen't it? just as sick as he is!

 

Follow your gut feeling on this. Do not let this guy manipulate you in this way. You are worth being treated good. So give yourself the best gift you can give, keep your dignity and continue to move on girl:-)

 

Huggs

 

P.S. The purest love of al is the kind of love you give yourself! Remember that for the future.

[Evanescence]

Thanks so much guys. I knew that LS would come through for me again.

 

Well, I don't know if I'm going to see the ex. I honestly feel like I need to hear what he has to say and I just have some things I really want to get off my chest. I know it's the stupid thing to do, but I feel like I have to do it to help me heal.

 

As for the ex really wanting me back and him having to show it by showing up at my door step on his knees begging me to come back. It honestly seems like that may happen. I won't know if it will, but I agree. I will not, and was not planning on doing anything until he did something like that, but for me it would have to be more drastic.

 

If I ever do break up with my bf now, I'm going to be single for a while. I wouldn't go to the ex. Maybe after a bit of time being single and enjoying myself and getting over the MANY insecurities that i have (my best friend just said to me yesterday that she thinks the reason I can't trust the new bf is because I am very insecure and I need to get over that before I can truly trust someone). One thing that I think I didn't have between the ex and the new bf is healing time. I there is only a 2 month period between the old and the new. Not enough time to heal from such a serious relationship. I know tihs now. I thought i was ok at the time, but a month into the new relationship, I knew that I wasn't. I tried explaining this to him and he said that he wants to help me through it. Well.. what a roller coaster ride it is.

 

Also, one thing I've noticed. The distance. The fights between my boyfriend and I are all in some way related to the 4 hour distance between us. When I think back to the ex, a HUGE chunk of the fights were also related to the distance (in the last 3 years of our relationship because thats when we were LD). I have to find a way to not let the distance bother me as much. I say "ME" because I am the one who always starts the fights. I am the one who gets upset when the bf does something else instead of spend time with me when i go to visit (long story, but I do over react a bit when it comes to such things).

 

Anyway, thanks a bunch for all ur help. If anyone has anymore advice, I'd be glad to hear it.

[sarah12]

Hi Evanescence,

 

I also agree that you should not go back to the ex. As I've learned on here, true love does not take a break. However, I understand your need to hear him out and get some closure from the relationship. Your story interested me because I was once the new in your situation. I once dated a guy who had a 5 year relationship from high school and he still had to deal with the ex while we were dating. She wouldn't leave him alone and I also felt like your new bf who wanted to help you through the ordeal. However, I ended up breaking things off with him because I couldn't take the fact that he was so wishy-washy in what he wanted - he couldn't handle the ex while dating me. I suggest that you cut things clean with the ex and then give yourself time to heal. Tell the new guy how you feel so that he understands it's not his fault and your feelings for him haven't changed. It's just that you need time to be completely ready to date with an open heart. It hurt me a lot to see this guy go through all the crap with his ex, and I knew I couldn't be there to help him through it. I'd just end up being a rebound or something and I know that I'm better than that, and he knew that I was better than that.

[KaiaMahina]

I have only two comments for you, I don't know if they would count as advise.

 

You said something like, "There's no reason for me to break up with my current boyfriend right now, because if it's meant to be with the ex, it will happen." I'm paraphrasing here. But don't hold onto the current boyfriend until you see what the ex will do. You'll only end up hurting him, and sending him to the place you now know only too well. Your ex, too, has someone else. I don't think either of these people should be hurt because of the situation between you and your ex.

 

And as for the fights you start about the distance...look. I was with someone I had to drive 5+ hours to see. I only saw him every other weekend, and we took turns making the trip. When I got there, he would have planned dinner with his sister, or taking his niece with us on a day trip. I never argued with him, but I certainly put my foot down. If I'm driving all that way, burning gasoline, putting mileage on my car, using my time, then I'm expecting quality AND quantity time with him! He was with these other people practically 24/7. He DID NOT have to include them in what little time we had, usually less than 48 hours, some of which is spent sleeping!

 

When he came to see me, I never so much as answered the phone while he was there. He was so impressed! He said that "other women would be all over that phone." I told him that when he's here, and because I see him so little, and because he makes such an effort to see me, others can wait. He was SO flattered and happy. But he didn't reciprocate.

 

Naturally, if you're living together, or seeing each other on a regular basis, doing other things or including other people is perfectly okay. But DO NOT get down on yourself for feeling cheated and "second banana" when he has other things to do when you make the effort to see him. You're not wrong! It's like making a long distance call to someone who then keeps putting you on hold for call waiting! It's rude, it's inconsiderate, and it says a lot about where you stand with the person.

 

Don't argue the next time. Simply gather up your things and tell him that since he's so busy, you'll come back another time when he's free. And LEAVE. Nicely. He'll get the picture.