wondering if we'd get back together

[eunpa]

I'm just looking for some insight or feedback if maybe I'm being crazy. I've been in a limbo since we broke up and have had almost no interest in dating other people even though I get a lot of offers.

 

I posted about this before but we're still talking on and off and a few things have happened so I'll try to stick to key points.

 

I live in Korea and was dating a Korean. Back in early June my ex and I broke up when his job sent him to Africa for what could potentially be a year. We agreed that since we'd only been dating a month that it would be the best option, though it was initially his idea. We agreed to keep in touch because you never know what could happen in a year. If we were both single (mostly if I was single) still we could give it another go, right?

 

I was surprised to hear from him about two weeks after he left and we still chat almost every day when he has a minute and a reliable internet connection. Then, to my surprise, he let me know offhandedly he might be back as soon as November. Although, there could be further complications with the project and they might end up pushing it back over and over again until it really has been a year.

 

I'm excited and nervous about him coming back. There are a lot of reasons for this. Primarily it's because I've missed him every day since we broke up and I want to get back together when he comes home. I'm not positive if he would want to, but I have some signs that he's still interested.

 

• 
  We still chat almost daily even if it is trivial. One day when I was still job searching for my next teaching position I mentioned I wanted to get an teaching English as a foreign lang. certification. He told me he wanted to pay for it; and did. He cited this as 'something nice from your ex boyfriend.' I pointed out ex'es don't do this, but he pretty much insisted.

 

• Before I moved to Seoul I said that if my new apartment isn't tiny I wanted to foster or adopt a cat. He then said "or I will buy you one." He is also very encouraging of my recent attempt to lose weight and still asks me occasionally how it's going.

 

• Finally, since my new job is second shift, I stay up late and battle a bit of insomnia. One night we were chatting and he asked why I wasn't sleepy and going to bed. I told him I wasn't tired and he said I needed someone (a guy) to make me tired. When I responded that there was no one like that around here, he told suddenly said 'I screwed up' sounded guilty, and wanted to change to subject.
  

 

There are things about our relationship that are problematic, namely that I am at a stage in my life where I'm ready to think about settling down with a partner and starting a family. He says he's not at that point, but sometimes I get the feeling he might be but is more focused on working because he wants to retire early so he doesn't have to work 12 hour days while he's raising a family. He has an issue with my having been married before because he believes this means I will want to get married again very soon, which is not true. However, I don't know that this is necessarily true. I might be willing to wait another 5-8 years depending on my health.

 

He is the kind of guy who makes me laugh a lot and is very kind. We get along really well there is just a little bit of a cultural barrier as far as expectations from relationships and life in general. He's doesn't totally conform to Korean expectations because he is so well traveled and quite smart.

 

I have just been hung up on him ever since he left. I even tried to date another guy for a little while but it was half hearted. I dated a lot of different guys for a long time before I met him, and I don't know if I would find anyone else like that out there.

 

Am I totally crazy still waiting for him to come back and hoping maybe we'll get back together? Or should I give casual dating another go until he gets back and see if I had met someone else like I originally intended?

[k100danny]

Hmm this ones sounds a bit tricky.

 

It doesn't sound like you broke up because it wasn't going anywhere just because he had to move away to work and i agree that after only month it is a big ask to expect someone to wait for you. The cultural differences and what he wants from life are something you would have to discuss with him and nobody will be able to give you advice on this. I think cultural difference can e a huge problem but only you two will know what barriers may come up in regards to this.

 

There is only one problem that is that if it has been a long time attraction can fade if you have spent time appart, there are people who i have found so attractive when i have met them and would loved to have dated but after knowing them a few months that attraction has gone. I'm not saying they have got any less attractive to the eye but you get accustomed to them being a friend.

 

If i were you i would try to find out if he is on the same wave length as you in regards to starting a relationship again. It may be that he is thinking the same thing, or that you have just become great friends but friends don't usually buy each other gifts such as a college course or cat unless there is more to it.

 

good luck with whatever happens

[eunpa]

It's hard to know for sure what he's thinking and he's not really someone who likes to talk about these kinds of things unless you're face-to-face. I know it's something I'm not going to know for sure until we'll be able to meet again.

 

I'm familiar with attraction fading both from distance and from getting to know someone better. I've experienced that before. The guy I actually went out with a little bit before I left I discovered very quickly I didn't like him nearly as much as I thought I might.

 

This ex, however, I won't know for sure if he is more than just 'a good boyfriend' unless we can spend more time together; which is obviously not possible at the moment. It's knowing I have to wait to find out (or if I will get the chance) that bothers me.

 

Also holding back the urge to want to say "I miss you" is a bit difficult. I don't want to say it because it sounds very romantic and I know it would be hurtful for him because I already know he feels guilty that he had to go away for work.