k100danny Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 as most who read my posts will be aware i like to read about things, psychological things especially to do with how we interact with each other. I don't do this for any advantage over people in finding a mate or for using reverse psychology. I do it to understand myself and other peoples actions better, hopefully to make me a better person for the future and understand when i am doing something for the right or wrong reasons. Anyway i was reading about certain types of behaviour in relationships and realised I have been guilty of this too and from what it says most of us have. I was in a circulative relationship for 7 months which was quite hard work, we would argue a lot and then make up, break ups would last a day ect and generally it made it hard to feel relaxed in the relationship and generally took the shine off things. I realise that i played part in this and a lot of it came down to relationship games, played on both sides from both of us. Yes she would act out a lot of the time, be controlling, jealous and this started very early on (within 3 dates) Now games in relationship although not always productive tend to be played by most people at some time. not usually as quick as this would you find yourself in this type of game playing, someone shouting at you ect then saying sorry or claiming it's because they care more than you do ect. I think i played my games with pushing her away to avoid certain confrontation with her or to avoid confronting things i needed to. I am unsure of where her side came from and what she wanted from these games as it's been a long time now so i an't fully recall which times i think it was game playing and other times just personality traits. well what im asking is do any of you notice this type of behaviour in your relationships that have ended? we can only play games if the other person plays the same types of games, as we know games cant be played with one player. Do you think this is something that is part of our personailty or do you think our behaviour totally depends on the person we are with at the time? The reason i ask and don't shoot me down here is that i did tend to think that my ex had some issues, well she even admitted she did although we didnt fully go into what they were as she didnt like to look at herself too closely, I had heard about her behaviour in a previous relationship to me which was quite long term, around 4 years. people had told me she was highly emotional, she would have public fights with her boyfriend (we didnt fight in public) and i was told he wasnt a nice guy by her and this is how i justified things in my head. Obviously when we got together it started quite early on the arguing ect and almost like a struggle between the two of us, at times it seemed like she hated me but always said it wasn't that she was unhappy with me or our relationship she was unhappy in work, wanted to get away and travel ect so i accepted that for how it was. Now this control thing came about really quick, jealousy of family and friends and putting them down, saying she didnt like me spending a lot of time with my family or i was too close to my parents, then there was the money issue, i spend to much cash, im materialistic (didn't complain when i spent it on her) After we broke up she had moved away for the summer and now probably for good and had found a new relationship, she seems very happy and in the one time i have spoken to her on the phone in a few months she had mentione how she didn't get headaches anymore, and do i rememeber how she was always unhappy and storming off being emotional well she said she isn't like that anymore ect. This made me wonder if it was just that we weren't compatible, or if it was me actually making her feel this way. I mean if she is happy now and had acted in similar ways in the last two relationships then surely games are down to who we choose to be with no? I mean i don't think a change of location can totally change something if it is a personality trait it will come back sooner or later but if it is the person you choose that makes you play these games then getting out of that situation could actually make you a different person (she did actually say she was a different person now) This is just me going over behaviour not just of me and my ex but how i tend to be in general, hopefully i will find things out that will help me understand myself more, choose someone who is suited to me and to have less stress in my life.
Decorum Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) Hi k1d, I hope you dont mind me jumping in here first. I think deep down what people need is intimacy and what unites two people in intimacy is sympathy. Its no more complicated than that. The problem is that we as people are more complicated. If we dont realize what we really want or we are fragmented in our personalities (and who isnt some) we sabotage our opportunities. Our capacity for intimacy and sympathy can be diminished/damaged for a very long time, for many reasons, some worse than others, i.e. abuse at some stage in life, betryal, guilt, etc... Intimacy breaks down into several basic parts, (not going into that now), what you often see is someone seizing on one of those and using it to stimulate themselves (almost a mental, emotional, or volitional masterbation, crude I know) in an attempt to fill the intimacy need, it becomes a weird feed back loop, almost like an addiction, I think these are often the reasons for the on again off again rocky road relationships that we see. Controling behaviors, excessive promiscuity, the need for drama and things like these all cry out "im damaged" A healthy capacity for intimacy, and sympathy combined with some personel contentment is an indication of a human being who is prepared to love someone else. Allowing yourself to be used in any of these situations is a serious indication that one of these 3 capacities is in dissapation. The thing is, to know where you need to go and keep moving forward. Take care Edited September 15, 2012 by Decorum spelling
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