Another month, another thread about getting the ex back.

[ZhaoZilong5]

Copying my thread from ENA.

 

Preface: This thread will probably be a test of your patience, unless you're the few that suddenly PMed me with interest. I'm hoping to keep this thread more positive than the last one, both on my part and on the part of posters. My purpose for this thread is two-fold. I want to be able to cordially discuss most of the contradictions and controversies about getting back together, and maybe the opinions here will alter my plans. At the very least, my experience will be evidence of what to do and what not to do, what works and what doesn't work etc. I'll try my best not to offend anybody. I'm in a pretty good mood, so hopefully I can be as objective as possible.

 

Background for those who don't know or have forgotten, so I won't include anything new here in order to make it skippable (events will be chronological based on occurence, not when I found out). Quotations will mostly be from my ex: I'm a 23/M dumpee; my ex is a 23/F dumper. We had a 10-month LDR that began at the end of August. The "I love you's" were exchanged about two weeks in because it felt right for both of us. We saw each other for two weeks during New Year's, and it was probably the most passionate and intimate experience either of us had ever had. 8 months in, she started falling out of love with me. She broke up with me in June. Her reasons were distance, me lacking school and a job, her "making me angry galore" (I got angry two or three times when she snapped at me or was being rude to me), and she met somebody else a week prior that she liked. She was confused about her emotions, because I was a sweet, amazing, blah blah person.. I was devastated, and for three days, I made every mistake in the book. Begging, text bombing, you name it. I did NOT show anger, but she did feel like I was undermining her caring about me. A week later, I went NC for a week. I told her we couldn't be friends and that I wished her the best. Maybe we could be friends in the future, blah blah. Basically Zorba's advice. She was holding back tears towards the end of the conversation. 1 day after I initiated NC, the other guy treated her like a "douche bag," so she started hanging out with his friend. When I broke NC, I sent her flowers, but that was before I found out she liked this new guy. The conversation we had afterward involved me initiating talking about our past relationship. The conversation wasn't enjoyable to her, and I think she ended it. I told her I was going to give her space for us both to move on. Following that, flirting with her didn't work, and trying to make her jealous didn't work. It was probably too soon or they wouldn't have worked anyway. I went NIC for 4 or 5 weeks, only responding once every 2 or 3 days. Two things would frequently occur. She'd randomly thank me for those flowers (even though she still had the flowers from Valentine's Day), and she would keep asking me if I wanted her to stop texting since my responses were so delayed. We caught up again, and I asked about her feelings about the situation. She was leaning towards the other guy. She wanted to tell me not to visit her in order to not give me false hopes. She told me I was a sweet and amazing person, blah blah. Even the new guy seems like a genuinely nice guy to me.

 

After those 4 or 5 weeks, life slowed down for her, and she started missing me. She wanted time to talk; I asked her why. She just wanted to catch up. After a scheduling conflict, I told her I couldn't be friends with her because of how I felt for her, and that we shouldn't talk for the time being so that we could both move on. My ex kept wanting clarification for me wanting NC, even though my explanation was always the same. She told me that it gives her a sick feeling that makes her want to cry to not have me in her life, but she agreed. A week later she texted me to ask how I was doing, and this would repeat weekly or every other week. I would respond with things like, "Thanks, you too." a day later, and occasionally ask her how she's been. I waited a few hours to reply once, and she actually responded while drunk, which is something that she stopped doing when her feelings for me were curving off. After a month, she accidentally pocket-dialed me, so I Skyped her back (since calling costs money) to ask if she needed something. We caught up, and I asked the usual stuff. Her feelings for me grew, but she's wanted to be decisive and stick with the new guy who she was officially dating. She knows the possibility of regret in the future for leaving me. We talked about visiting, and I said I would only visit if it was to get back together. I could tell she wanted me to visit regardless, but I didn't want to. I told her I was cutting some toxic people out of my life, and she let out a sigh of relief when I told her she wasn't one of those toxic people.

 

I pretty much went NC after that. I thanked her once for wishing me well. She texted me something along the lines of just worrying about me even though she had no right to. She also thanked me about three weeks ago for all of the amazing times she had, especially after a crappy year. She knows I'm an amazing, great person and that it'll get me far in life. I went strict NC and didn't respond to any of these bread crumbs.

 

Tl;dr: Ex broke up with me 3 months ago for somebody else. Said guy was a douche bag, but his friend wasn't, so she's with him now. She started missing me 5 or 6 weeks post-break-up. Her feelings for me have grown since.

 

Currently: She sent me another text telling me she should probably stop texting me weekly. She hopes I'm having lots of fun and am very successful. I have two choices. Stick with NC or respond with something positive and short. I can continue going NC to help with her missing me, but I feel like at this point, it's immature on my part, and that out of sight eventually does become out of mind (it's how we dumpees move on after all). This ha worked for Superdave with his reconciliation. On the other hand, there's LC, which has worked for Zorba and Mayday11. I do agree that happy and friendly will keep her coming back for more, and as much as it gives me an ego boost, it might give her an ego boost in an emotional way that helps her "rebound." Either way, I'm in a much better place. I'm probably 90% healed, so the other 10% is coming regardless. Also, I don't really care about responding or not either. I can always shoot her a text later if I change my mind down the line.

 

I know that my ex still cares about me, but at the same time, I'm pretty sure that she's contacting me to make herself feel better. In fact, I'd be willing to bet a pretty penny on it. The only reason why I'm considering breaking NC is because she said she should stop texting me weekly (not an intentional game-playing move on her part I'm sure), because when I do feel like having contact again, I don't want to be the one initiating it. Opinions?

 

I'll include a post from Zorba that resonates with me:

 

Originally Posted by Zorba

Everyone is different. so is every situation. If you're looking at NC as a sure fire method to get her back, punish her, make her miss you, then no. Nothing will work until you let her go and get yourself back, whether you talk to her or not. If the contact is keeping you from letting her and the past go, then tell her that politely and calmly and as friendly as you can. Then tell her you can't have contact for an indeterminate time. Tell her you can't be friends. Wish her well and let her go. The fact is and people can dress it up anyway they like, but getting back together is predicated on the dumper wanting it. Nothing you can do will may change that, but there are things that you can do that will make it worse. Superdaves posts are a good start(and end) for telling you these things to avoid.

 

Now I have seen one strong willed and very patient man get his ex back. he needed distance and discipline to do it but he did it. It was not easy and it took him two years and a lot of work. 90% of the work he did on himself. That included standing back and really considering whether the ex was worth his trouble. He decided she was. It didn't stop him seeing other women in the years apart and he lived his life and turned around that life like you wouldn't believe for himself first and foremost. I asked him what if she hadn't come back. His answer was it wouldn't have really mattered as his life was good without her or anyone else. her leaving him was the best present she could have given him. He didn't need her back, he wanted to share his life with someone and it turned out to be her in the end. She changed too.

 

I've gotten back every one of the exes I wanted back. I did the NC then the LC, upped my game a bit and basically treated them like women I knew but hadn't gone out with. I got them back or more to the point they wanted to get back with me because of the small changes I made that made me attractive to them again. I basically picked them up again and it was far easier than the first time as I knew what buttons to push. They didn't work out in the end because I hadn't really changed at the time and neither had they. Waste of time for all concerned.

 

Get yourself back, because if you don't you will not get her back. Even if you do you may not get her back. You probably won't. If you don't change and by some freak miracle you do get her back it will not last. This you have to realise, now rather than later. If you get yourself back this will still be a loss, but it won't be a great one and you should see all of this as something that you learned from. You've everything to gain from moving on and nothing to gain from staying as you are.

 

Keep in mind that my goal is to reconcile when she meets my "qualifications." I think she's a great person, but she needs to grow emotionally, and I have some things I can work on in my life with or without her. Basically, I want to make sure she's not too afraid to ask for reconciliation if she wants to in the future, and I want to maintain whatever attraction she currently has for me and hopefully increase it. Big plus is I'm moving on regardless, so I'm not worried about not moving on anymore. I've been flirting and talking to more girls, got rejected, but it doesn't bother me at all. It's actually quite fun.

 

Current Plan: I'm having trouble deciding between a short response like, "Thanks." or just not saying anything at all. I'm leaning towards strict NC, regardless of how I morally wrong I feel about it, but I feel like it would best satisfy my goals for future reconciliation.

 

The one thing I'm insecure about, which also happens to be something that doesn't matter at all: how likely is it that she's already sleeping with the other guy? She's a pretty sexual person, and if she had no emotional attachment to me, then I'd be sure that she is. However, I can't really imagine her sleeping with somebody if she has emotions for two different people.

 

End of my situation. Onward with the philosophical debate!

 

I used to be a firm believer that people who say "I love you" too soon are just infatuated or rebounding. Let's take my BU for example. My ex had a year-long relationship with somebody before me that ended 4 or 5 months before we got together. She was dated somebody immediately after that, but the guy was a flake. She dated another guy for a week, told him she loved him, but dropped him for me. She told me she's never loved anybody else like the way she loved me, and that she only says it when she means it. Yep, immature as hell imo, but she had been crushing on me for 9 months. There's a possibility that I might have just been a rebound. As for me, I do feel like I truly love her.

 

Question: Does the length of time before the "I love you's" are exchanged indicate infatuation versus love? In my ex's case, I feel like it's both, but more so infatuation. The reason why I say both is because if there was no distance, then we most likely would have worked out. In my case, it was probably both, but more so love. I've seen many cases of it being purely infatuation, though I've seen many on LS telling stories of how they expressed that phrase or wanting to marry within a month after dating, and those relationships were successful. I personally feel like I'm an exception.

 

NC Pros: The go-to healing method in the vast majority of cases. Likely to make an ex miss you if there were true feelings.

NC Cons: Can be seen as game-playing (but honestly, we exaggerate ourselves all of the time when dating), immature, and petulant. Out of sight, out of mind in a few cases. Eventually, it does become out of sight, out of mind in the long run for most cases.

 

LC Pros: Keeps a line of communication open for friendship or reconciliation. Lets dumpees wean themselves off easier but slower assuming there are no false hopes (rare). Can be used to reattract an ex through short, happy, and actually enjoyable conversations that are infrequent.

LC Cons: Can give dumpees false hope. For "weaker" people, they will break down and undo all of their healing and push the ex away even farther. Probably not the best way to move on if emotions are still involved. Possibly, but I'm not sure if it would give a dumper an ego boost or not.

 

Question: The consensus is that NC is meant for healing but NOT for getting an ex back. If that's the case, then why go NC to make an ex miss us? Why aren't there more suggestions for people to go LC after healing and getting themselves back?

 

Question: What are your opinions on the frequency of contact during LC? Mayday11 recommended no more than once per month. Somebody on RelationshipTalk decided every other month. I feel like weekly can sometimes be too much, so I usually wonder if every other week is too much. I do agree with Mayday11 that LC can only be overdone, not underdone.

 

What I would have done differently: I begged and pleaded for 3 days through constant communication and text-bombing, went NC for a week, went NIC for 4 or 5 weeks, weekly periods of NC after that (might as well be NIC/LC), and NC for about 3 weeks. If I could do it all over again, I would have expressed my reasons for going NC immediately after letting her know that I wanted to reconcile, then stayed in NC for a month or two in order to heal. Well, actually...I don't think that would have made much of a difference in healing or getting back together for me. I'd still recommend NC for others though!

 

You know...maybe this thread won't pick as many brains as I thought. I'm seriously considering omitting my opinions to eliminate anybody possible bias in the replies pertaining to the final section. I hope this thread stays alive for a while so we can actually have good discussions.

Edited September 14, 2012 by ZhaoZilong5

[lil hoodlum]

It's simple really.

 

She either wants to be with you or not.