amber33 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 (edited) To explain what I mean, here's some background on myself and my situation: I'm 22 years old and the last person I officially "dated" before now was back in highschool, so I'm kind of clueless when it comes to the dating/relationship scene. I am somewhat old-fashioned in that I only like to date one person at a time (I never have understood why people date multiple people at once, it just isn't for me) and I guess I naturally associate dating with being in a relationship (which I now realize can mean two totally different things for a lot of people.) What I'm meaning to ask here is, given the details of my situation below, do I need to ask this guy if we're "exclusive" or does it just kind of go without saying? You tell me. (Please.) So here's the scoop: I met this great guy (seriously, a complete gentleman) through one of my closest friends about a year ago, we hung out once or twice back then, and more recently, we bumped into each other and have been on a total of 4 dates now. The first was just drinks, his treat (belated drinks for my birthday), which was a really good time; the 2nd was a movie-my choice, his treat, also a really good time; the 3rd-drinks again, also his treat-(this guy won't let me pay for anything, not even the tip!), then we hung out for a while at his house, and we finally kissed for the first time when he brought me home. The 4th we just stayed in at his house, watched a movie and hung out for a while, followed by another nice make-out session before we parted ways. (Neither of us wanted to stop kissing each other, it was cute.) He has picked me up for every date, listened to every word I say-no matter how stupid, and paid for everything so far. I can tell he is a little shy, but I really want to know where I stand with him, except I don't want to just up and ask him out of the blue, as I don't want to scare him away either. I am positive that this guy is really into me because we talk a lot, and he makes sure to tell me what a good time he had with me the next day every time we hang out. My friend that set us up informed me before I started dating him that this guy is a one-woman man, so I would assume that we are in a relationship, but I don't want to jump to conclusions either. In my mind it is, but in his mind, it may not be. Can this ever go without saying, or do people need to verbally express exclusivity in order for it to be a real relationship? And if so, how do I approach this with the shy guy?! (This is the first guy I have ever been around that I could honestly see myself getting very serious with, so I really don't want to screw things up, but the uncertainty is starting to kill me!) Edited September 14, 2012 by amber33
monkey00 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Can this ever go without saying, or do people need to verbally express exclusivity in order for it to be a real relationship? And if so, how do I approach this with the shy guy?! (This is the first guy I have ever been around that I could honestly see myself getting very serious with, so I really don't want to screw things up, but the uncertainty is starting to kill me!) Some couples just 'assume'. Though to avoid miscommunication/misunderstanding it's better to have the talk. I think 4 dates is too soon. Why don't you let at least 1 month go by and see what happens? 1
Author amber33 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 It's already been a month. It's basically been one date a week for the past month. (We are both very busy with work/college, or else I'm sure we'd see each other more, but we do talk a lot.) The chemistry is there and its great, I'm just scared to bring up the whole exclusivity thing being that he's a little shy, and I'm a little shy bringing these kinds of things up.
kassy Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 It's too soon, why not let it get to a few more dates in person before bringing it up?
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Everyone is going to be different. Me and my ex both knew right from the first date we were only seeing each other and that was it, never had to talk about it. But from the way you're moving by a month in and only at making out stage, you're obviously taking your time. But I agree, i'm old fashioned to, if I had a good first date with someone it would be enough for me to not see anyone else unless things were finished with the other person. I honestly don't think I could see someone more then 2-3 times without knowing that they weren't seeing anyone else at the same time as me. 3
Author amber33 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 We are definitely taking our time, but I am perfectly okay with that because I've moved too fast before and really regretted it. I am almost positive he isn't seeing anyone else though, he just doesn't strike me as that type of guy at all. I just don't know whether or not what we have is considered "dating" or a relationship. In my mind dating = relationship, so this is where all of my confusion comes from. Part of me just wants to bring it up sometime, yet being that we are both a little shy, I'm unsure how that conversation would go. I never really had luck in the dating department, and now that I have a decent guy on my hands, I just don't know how to handle it. lol
oaks Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 It doesn't always need to be said, but if you don't have some sort of relationship-defining or -clarifying conversation and your assumption turns out to be wrong my advice would probably be "you should've had that conversation". How sure are you, and what's your attitude to risk?
Pasttense Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I just don't know whether or not what we have is considered "dating" or a relationship. In my mind dating = relationship, so this is where all of my confusion comes from. There has got to be a period of time between from when two people first meet and they both decide they are in a relationship--when they are getting to know each other. What do you call this intermediate period? Most people here call it dating. You've only gone on 4 dates. This just isn't enough time for you to really get to know that person. And people in relationships spend more than one short period of time a week with each other. So continue as you are doing for another couple months and then have this talk.
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Now see, to me this is just weird. if I begin dating someone, as far as I'm concerned, that makes our dating 'exclusive'. I really don't get this 'free and easy' attitude which implies that someone you're dating is at liberty to try out other dates as well! This has to be an "Across the pond" thing... I have never come across this "When do we have the 'exclusive' talk?" thing, in the UK, ever. You've started dating a person? That person is who you're dating! Full stop and end of story! if some guy were to say to me, "We're not exclusive yet," I'd say 'so long!' 2
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 amber he sounds like a really great guy and you have a sweet story going. I would bet anything he already considers this "exclusive" but for your peace of mind, I would bring it up. He'll probably be glad you did. Either you will be very pleased with the response -- which is what I think will happen -- or he will give you a big surprise, in which case you'll be lucky to have the info. I don't think it has much to do with having cemented a "relationshp." You obviously are in an early stage of a romantic relationship. It's perfectly reasonable to want this to be the only romantic relationship for both of you, and to commit to that. All it means is that you're committed to exploring the relationship to the fullest and that it is your only romantic relationship, for each of you until you either decide it's going to fizzle out, or it's going to grow into the next stage. There are various stages of commitment; see above about what you would be committing to at this point. A lot of confusion can be avoided by realizing that "commitment" is a multi-stage thing -- on can perfectly well be committed at each stage. Personally, I find it hard to imagine having more than one romantic relationship at once. I totally understand the urge to "exclusivity." I'm really uncomfortable myself with the whole multidating thing, if it means having multiple romances. Of course you wouldn't want your boyfriend to have multiple girlfriends! And if someone says it's too early to call him bf, re-read what I said about stages. Good luck to you, if you do bring it up with him, I'd be curious to hear how it turns out. 1
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Well i'm in Canada, and it's quite common for people to think it's ok to date multiple people at once until you say its exclusive. I guess if you've kept it to talking I could deal with that, but if you're having make out sessions or sex not a chance. I mean again it depends how much you're seeing the other person. My ex and me went on 3 dates in the first week, and had sex on the third, so as far as I seen it we were in a relationship at one week and exclusive by then. But then again, neither of us had been dating anyone in many years before this so we both knew neither one of us was out there a lot playing the field. Again it is different because we knew each other for a year before dating so things are bound to move much more quickly. If I had just met someone on a first date it would take a long longer to be comfortable like that. But I will agree, taking it slow isn't bad. We moved so fast and I can't help but think it was partly to blame for the break up. I'm on eharmony and I barely think it's ok to talk to more then one women at a time, but unfortunately i'm the rare one. I mean I don't get a lot of dates but then again, if you like two people how do you decide? And in my opinion that is a easy way to get yourself into trouble and loose both.
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 If you do bring it up, just make sure you make it clear you believe in only seeing one person at a time no matter what and you are only asking because it seems common now days for people to do otherwise. I really do not think it would bring up an issue. But do you talk everyday? I guess that's how me and my ex knew we were exclusive to, we would talk everyday and knew what the other was doing, so it wasn't hard to know.
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 it's very hard to know who is a multidater and who is not without asking. At least, my mind-reading abilities are not that powerful. 1
GirlontheLam Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Now see, to me this is just weird. if I begin dating someone, as far as I'm concerned, that makes our dating 'exclusive'. I really don't get this 'free and easy' attitude which implies that someone you're dating is at liberty to try out other dates as well! This has to be an "Across the pond" thing... I have never come across this "When do we have the 'exclusive' talk?" thing, in the UK, ever. You've started dating a person? That person is who you're dating! Full stop and end of story! if some guy were to say to me, "We're not exclusive yet," I'd say 'so long!' I believe in dating multiple people until you both are in agreement there is no one else. A couple of dates doesn't make it exclusive.
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I'm inclined to assume that if they are with me - they're exclusive. I'm pretty hot and unique - "what - ?! you think you'll find better? go ahead, dream on, loser..." It's either me and nobody else - or take a hike - what do you think I am, a lucky dip prize...?! 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I believe in dating multiple people until you both are in agreement there is no one else. A couple of dates doesn't make it exclusive. Why not? If I'm on a 'couple of dates' with a guy, damn right he'd better just be seeing me. I don't go with this "By the way, I'm putting this out to someone else tomorrow night, just so's you know." Get outta here.... 1
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 On an earlier thread Pierre said: "It is physically possible to have sex in a vacuum with several partners, but it is near impossible to fall in love with several partners at the same time." This is very true and I think it brings out clearly the problem with multidating, at least for a lot of people. If you date to "fall in love," there's little point in dating several people, because falling in love with more than one of them, or having a romantic relationship, is unlikely. Oh, you might date someone, quickly see that it's not blossoming, and continue to "see" that person as a "friend." I saw two people like that yesterday myself! If you want to call that multidating, go ahead; I just consider it having friends that not so long ago I had considered as potential romantic partners. 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I think there has to be a difference between going out and meeting different people, and 'multi/exclusive dating'.... I'm all for friend-circle expansion, but the idea that someone is simply seeing me to tick off their options is not something I am comfortable with....
backonthemarket Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 At my age (36), you should never assume exclusivity until it's brought up in conversation. Also, exclusivity doesn't mean the same thing to everyone. For example, some people only like to concentrate on one date at a time. My last boyfriend asked for exclusivity early on (about a month in---right around the time we stated having sex) but didn't call me his girlfriend until the 5th or 6th month. With others, exclusivity=girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. I have heard of alternate arrangements too (e.g. having sex with just one person but going out and "meeting" others...). Dating can be so complicated!! 3
GirlontheLam Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Why not? If I'm on a 'couple of dates' with a guy, damn right he'd better just be seeing me. I don't go with this "By the way, I'm putting this out to someone else tomorrow night, just so's you know." Get outta here.... For me, dating = getting to know someone. I can handle multi-dating. It is preferable, so you don't get too wrapped up in someone who isn't ready for the same level of relationship that you are. You can't assume people are on the same page you are because you enjoy spending time with each other. But for me, exclusivity and commitment is a prerequisite to higher levels of intimacy and sex.
Kamila Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 If you're asking that question... means you want some reassurance from his part. Which is understandable if you're developing feelings for him. You want to be exclusive and expect the same from his part. I dated someone for a week, we knew each other for 3 months at work, he told me to be discrete about our thing, but someone blurted out during lunch how his 'girlfriend' was doing... RED flag for me there... I lashed out at him because i had serious doubts about the foundation of our relationship. Later he confessed he came out of a long term relationship only a few months before... then he confessed he just wanted to be friends... at last he admitted he's seeing his ex again. If I hadn't had the talk with him, he wouldn't have spoken up about his past with me. He also said he wasn't looking for something serious right now. (So all our hooking ups, kissing, spending time together actually meant nothing serious...) Be sure who you're with before you're going further, the more you dive into a 'relationship' the more difficult it is to pull away... If he can't reassure you, it's really sad. 2
barbossa Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Communication is key. have the talk as early as possible when you decide the time is right.
C-V-L Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Well, talking as a man here. There's really only one thing you need to wait for. Sex. If you've had sex it's perfectly ok to ask if you are exclusive or to say that you want to be exclusive... BUT don't ever ask before because that sends all kinds of creepy signals! If i've only ever kissed a girl and she's asking about being exclusive or something along those lines I'm scared. VERY scared. It's creepy. Unnatural. Don't do it!
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 For me, dating = getting to know someone. I can handle multi-dating. It is preferable, so you don't get too wrapped up in someone who isn't ready for the same level of relationship that you are. So you MD to distract yourself from one with whom you are ready for a certain level of relationship. A kind of therapy. But then what are you doing with your other MD partners? Aren't you just using them as a means to an end? Do you let them know what you are doing? And how much can you trust any of your partners, if they are doing the same with you?
GirlontheLam Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 So you MD to distract yourself from one with whom you are ready for a certain level of relationship. A kind of therapy. But then what are you doing with your other MD partners? Aren't you just using them as a means to an end? Do you let them know what you are doing? Until it is defined as we are exclusive, it is just "seeing other people" too. Let's put it this way, until we have a conversation that says "I only want to date you and take myself off the market to other women," then I am going to be open to other opportunities. Who knows, there could be someone else out there that is more "committed" right now. And how much can you trust any of your partners, if they are doing the same with you? I assume until people tell me otherwise, they are seeing other people too. IT is only a problem if they are seeing other people when we decided to be exclusive.
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