ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 The hardest part in my husband's affair drama so far is actually posting about it. From Oct. 2008 - Aug 2009 my WH had an affair. She came in from another company contracted to do training and implementation for my business in which my WH works. At 14 years his junior (making her 8 yrs younger than me), very slender and tall with the big long hair, I can see why he was attracted. Through my eyes and others who "know", Regardless of her age etc, I am the better looker. (again this is my assessment). Anyway, I was SO busy defending everything I did & didn't do & deflecting verbal attacks from offm our young children to me, that I never considered he might be cheating. I found out in mid July, 2010 via anonymous email, "your husband is a cheater". There was a flurry of emails exchanger providing undeniable proof and my immediate forgiveness as she did apologize between her insults at me. (I let myself go apparently now being a size 6...)* So much more to this but my question is why did this young lady hate me SO much & why did my WH beg me not to divorce him and tell me he never stopped loving me?
GLDheart Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Why did she hate you? Maybe your husband demonized you the way most waywards do. They do this to justify and "redeem" thelmselves in thier own eyes and also to "win over" the other person. It is self serving manipulation at it's finest. Why did your husnad do this? Why not just leave you and be with her if that's what he wanted? In his "fog" he may have actually spouted that crap. But the reality is he wanted the life he had... he just wanted her AS WELL. Cake eating in action. It was only after D-Day (Discovery Day), that his "fog" was lifted and reality crashed back in. At that moment, The other woman became the enemy to his marriage and he sided with you to save it. 1
GLDheart Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Here is a thread that I started back when I was trying to figure this "demonizing thing" out: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/331827-does-cheater-ever-un-demonize-do-they-ever-realize-they-rewrote-history
2sunny Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Since more than 2 years have past since you found out - what has H been doing to repair the damage he caused? What consequences has he had? What accountability does he have now? Is he completely transparent - enough to be rebuilding your trust? Has he had ANY communication with his OW? Was his her revenge move - the telling you part?... In hopes he would leave you? Has he done counseling to find out why he cheated - and done the hard work necessary to insure he won't cheat again? And why would you allow your kids to speak disrespectfully to you? Ps - you seem focused on looks - it has almost nothing to do with looks - educate yourself on what was missing in the M.
Author ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 (edited) I beieved she really misplaced her anger at me because a. Sandwhiched on either side of her apology she called me old ( I was 55 at the time but 67 when she tiold me). b. She emailed that I was lazy. C. She explained in great detail how pathetic I was starting and growing my own business with WH and that I would ruin WH in the end. Did/do I believe this? Not once and not any of it! I really only asked her to give me proof , I fogave her then went on to face the real problem... WH. She kept coming at me via email and call/hangups for the next year. I didn't respond to her ever. Neither did WH (to my knowledge) except to show me an email she sent him over a year later and his respone he wanted me to see. I Totally see the cake eating thing. To me it just seems exhusting! Edited September 14, 2012 by ComingInHot My age showed wrong!! 35 then 37
Author ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 2Sunny The looks thing was, I think, more of an issue for OWn as she would always write something about it to me. Kids don't disrespect me but WH took his anger/guilt out on them and I would step in and shoot that down. Frankly, and WH admitted that he was pretty much a D.I.C.$ during this time. He trickle truthed for a while but finally succumbed to the fact that well, "game over" & has been transparent ever since. WH consequences actually took a little longer to hit as I had just launched the national campaign and moved just one week after D-day. I just had to remember to breathe during all of this. His reality hit (I think) when she wouldn't stop emailing me everyone she thought of more news and the fact that this wasn't going away until he took serious action. But now that I'm settled, the questions are here that hecannot answer.
2sunny Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 You're so focused on her - you haven't answered my questions about your H - and whether or not he's doing his best to repair his damage HE caused...
Author ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 2Sunny I was responding to a diff. Post but I did respond to you. This forum posting takes more strategy than I initially thought. Couple that with sloppy thumps on my phone and end up with me being twenty years older and not responding fast enough. Learning curve*
Author ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 GLD heart EXACTLY!!! Oh my mother of all truths in your post!! When my WH acknowledged he may have stretched the truth and added details that may not reflect me in my best light ( I'm being oh so tame here.) I think that is when I accidentally on purpose dropped his laptop on the floor. 5 feet from where I was holdimg it. On the concrete... Thing is she came into my office. Knew me as owner. Saw first hand that my strength to lead is in my ability to serve. Thank You!!!
2sunny Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 So stop focusing what she did or didn't do. You're not married to HER - you need to focus on what your H has or hasn't been doing in the past 2 years to repair the damage HE caused. Tell us what he's done to rebuild your marriage. What issues with him are bothering you now - all this time later?
Author ComingInHot Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 2Sunny I will try to do better. I think I Do get side tracked by OW when I think about WH. Why? Because I don't feel my WH protected me as he should have/could have. And that is part of the hurt I am finally dealing with today. things WH did after D-day: 1. Became transparent w/EVERYTHING 2. Eventually became honest (I actually think OW helped force this so I'm grateful) 3. Became a better father to our children 4. Is trying, successfully to be a better husband 5. Practicing and getter better at turning to our relationship and meeting my needs 6. Sharing with me what I his needs are Things he hasn't/isn't doing: 1. No counseling (He believes he doesn't need anyone to explain to him anything. He knows what to do to change and put into me and the marriage) 2. Continue to acknowledge my pain ( although I don't know how long he needs to do this as D-day was July of 2010, however it is just this past year or so I/we are in a place to, I feel, address things) 3. He still has angry outbursts at me as he has made it a habit to "vent" on me but I feel like a punching bag... It's not as bad but still happens. Things I need to do/not do: 1. Ignore my feelings 2. Keep my questions to myself 3. Ask too many questions about why he did, what he really felt etc 4. Allow him AT ANY TIME to treat me without respect or kindness 5. Take more time for me (half hour walk a day, or tennis once a week etc) 2Sunny, THANKS! I never took the time to compartmentalize things. Makes things clearer*
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