snug.bunny Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I am starting to think I am just not able to be in a long-term commitment. I get the 7-year itch after 1 year, sometimes less. Marriage makes me nervous. Kids? No way, no how. I like the idea of long-term, of 'forever', but I don't think liking the idea is sufficient to make me capable of it. You're still in your twenties, my dear. If you repost this in your 60's, then my response to your question as it relates to you, would be: "heck yes"! FTR, I have always been honest and up-front about the cheating. Quote of the year.
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Quote of the year. Yes, yes...
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 I don't. However... ...does not justify cheating. Not that I'm saying you're using that as a justification, it just seems that way when you put it like that. From what you wrote about your ex, the one with the visa problems, I didn't get the idea that he was fully aware that you weren't in it for the long term. (given his behavior) WTF? Did you even understand my post? Did you not read and comprehend where I said I wasn't consciously aware of the fact that I am more prone to flings instead of long-term commitment until AFTER the relationship with my ex?
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 What about that relationship and/or its ending caused you to become aware of your propensity for 'flings'? What flipped the switch?
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 What about that relationship and/or its ending caused you to become aware of your propensity for 'flings'? What flipped the switch? Some time after it ended I was just ruminating over it for a couple of days...I recalled the last threads I posted here about the relationship and how I was accused of not really being in love with him since I developed a crush on someone else when he was away and I was going to end it because I felt like I'd been waiting too long, even though it wasn't his fault and he was frustrated too. I denied it rather vehemently at the time, but eventually realized it was true. I had had a series of flings after my first serious relationship and had thought then that it was out of my system, that it was just a phase. I didn't think anything more of it. But then when I reflected back on the circumstances surrounding my last relationship ending, it was then that it seemed clear I'm not able to handle anything long-term.
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 How many times have you cheated? Once. And then I was cheated on once. Been on both sides of the coin.
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 So, to you, if one develops an infatuation/crush on another person while in a committed long-term relationship, this lessens their capability to have such a commitment? Would you embrace accepting such infatuations/crushes and seeing them as part of being human and something one doesn't have to act upon and not reflective upon their love for and commitment to their partner? It's a potential to contemplate. Essentially, you take the same events and feelings and process them differently. While it's possible you currently are 'not able to handle anything long-term', that's not a life sentence, IMO. The only constant in life, other than death, is change. You'll be changing until you die. You're in charge of that process. What choice will you make next? The same applies to anyone, even those who accept their incapability of making a long-term commitment. They make a choice, that of acceptance. 2
oldshirt Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I haven't seen where you state your age but I am assuming your are a reasonably attractive female in your early 20s. Late teens to mid-late 20s is a time of personal discovery and growth and development. It's a time where you develop life-skills, independance, career skills and learn about yourself. You have been developing independance and learning about yourself and are learning that monogamy/LTR and exclusive relationships may not be for you. That is fair and that is fine. As long as you are not potraying yourself as something you are not and deceiving people into thinking you are going to be a monogamous, faithfull, long-term girlfriend and you are being open with people that you like your independance and don't want to be tied down, then it is all fair. (now just a reality that you are going to have to deal with is most young women will say things like that, then at some point will change their minds and want to enter a traditional relationship at some point so people will just assume you are just saying that and most guys will think that they will be the 'exception.' ) You are not damaged goods and it doesn't necessarily mean that you have any kind of disorder or dysfunction or that there is anything wrong. You just simply like to maintain your independance and do not like to answer to anyone else and you like a variety of men and sex in your life. no harm no foul. Now the one caveat I will offer is that while you are young and attractive the whole world is at your fingertips. As time and as you get older, fatter, wrinklier and more used up, your dating pool is going to start shrinking and in time it will shrink rapidly. The quality men will start getting snatched up quickly and your market value will start to plummet as you get older. It is an unfair double-standard but it is also a reality that your market value as a legitimate dating/relationship/marriage partner will decline with the more men you screw and especially the more men you cheat on. This is what our grandmothers called "a reputation." it may be wrong and unfair but it is real. The risk you take is as you mature is that you will some day want a meaningfull relationship with a high-quality man but all the quality men will either be taken or won't give you the time of day or take you seriously as potential mate because of your previous history. You'll be left with the lower status guys that couldn't get relationship-minded women in their youth or you'll be left with the 'playa's' that are also unskilled and unmotivated in maintaining a healthy relationship. There are lots and lots of people that are meant to be independant and free of entanglements. There isn't anything wrong with choosing that as a lifestyle as long as your aren't decieving or hurting anyone else and as long as you are aware of the pitfalls of that lifestyle choice there isn't anything anyone can say about it. ...and to answer your question, yes, there are a lot of people that committment and traditional relationship/marriage just doesn't work. And the greater truth is those people should not EVEN TRY to enter into an exclusive/monogamous relationship knowing that they will not will not be able to keep their end of the bargain. If you realize this about yourself, embrace it and get the most out of it and live your life so you aren't hurting anyone else or putting yourself into situations where you are shortchanging or harming yourself.
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