tigressA Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Is long-term commitment something everyone is capable of? Or are there some people who just can't hack it? For those people who feel they aren't capable of long-term commitment (and I'm talking being physically and emotionally faithful to one person for more than one year)--is it just a matter of working on yourself so that you are capable? Is it a matter of finding someone who makes you want a long-term commitment? In my longest relationship, almost 2 years, I cheated less than 6 months in. And after a year with my most recent ex, who I lived with, I developed a crush on someone else after he had been abroad for a month. And I have had numerous flings/short-term relationships that you could clock with an egg timer. I am starting to think I am just not able to be in a long-term commitment. I get the 7-year itch after 1 year, sometimes less. Marriage makes me nervous. Kids? No way, no how. I like the idea of long-term, of 'forever', but I don't think liking the idea is sufficient to make me capable of it.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 No. Just lazy or not interested enough.
SmileFace Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I say yes. Tons of people never end up in LTR by choice. Me personally don't like the idea of forever - however I haven't had the chance to even be in a LTR. However I don't care to be in one but that seems to change as I get older.
kaylan Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 (edited) Everyones different, therefore not everyone is suited for long term relationships. This doesnt mean these people wouldnt be suited for monogamy, as monogamy doesnt mean long term commitment. Monogamy is one person at a time. Its possible for those who cannot stay in relationships longer than a year or so, to be serial monogamists. Whatever works. To each their own. Some people only want a relationship if it has the prospect of forever...while others are open to the idea that many relationships dont last forever...or they might just prefer short term dating. If someone knows they arent cut out for long term commitment, its up to them not to lead others on. And instead of cheating, just dump the person. Edited September 14, 2012 by kaylan 2
Author tigressA Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Since I started living alone I just love it--not having to answer to anyone else, having my own space. I can't imagine wanting to live with someone else ever again. Really, the only thing I miss about being in a relationship is the steady supply of sex/physical affection. I think I would be content in a relationship if we maintained our own spaces, we could go out once in awhile, we f*ck, cuddle for a bit, then he leaves. 4
NoMoreJerks Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I think there's a difference between not WANTING, and not being CAPABLE of it. Not being capable does not necessarily mean not wanting it.
ThaWholigan Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I reckon there are people who are inherently drawn to a certain type of living, or life that suits their natural inclinations. That includes people who struggle with long-term commitments. Like Kaylan pointed out, that doesn't have to mean non-monogamous, rather serial monogamy. However, I'm not sure if it's that you're not capable of long-term commitment or that it would take a real showstopper of a man to make you fall enough to make that commitment last. Just a guess......sometimes it's in looking for that illusion that you become elusive to the ones who become involved with you. You obviously like romance, intimacy, affection and of course, the sex , but maybe you're one of those people who gets bored. Maybe it's not what you thought it was. It should have been more romantic etc. I'd hazard to tell you to "get real". I think settling is a bad idea. However, I would think a little about whether your fantasy can mesh well with reality, and how you can find a nice happy medium. Whether that's through a few short-term relationships, or a few short term ones UNTIL you find that showstopper.
ThaWholigan Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Really, the only thing I miss about being in a relationship is the steady supply of sex/physical affection. I think I would be content in a relationship if we maintained our own spaces, we could go out once in awhile, we f*ck, cuddle for a bit, then he leaves. - That's a very particular arrangement.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Since I started living alone I just love it--not having to answer to anyone else, having my own space. I can't imagine wanting to live with someone else ever again. Really, the only thing I miss about being in a relationship is the steady supply of sex/physical affection. I think I would be content in a relationship if we maintained our own spaces, we could go out once in awhile, we f*ck, cuddle for a bit, then he leaves. I believe that's not called a relationship. It's called a FWB arrangement. Better known as F***-buddies.
johan Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I can't even make enough of a committment to 8
monkey00 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I think most people are not naturally commitment minded. I admit, relationships are a lot of work and require that from both parties. Without it, it would crumble. I really do praise and hold in high regard couples who have been married for decades, when the rest of the Western world is faced with increasing divorce rates. Against all odds, they are still together...how can you not admire that? When you're younger, it's common to not be commitment minded. Though I think when you get older, things do change a bit (as long as you aren't a workaholic). When everyone else is marrying and having kids, you might be more inclined to gravitate in that direction. To each their own. Maybe those who can't commit just have their own baggage demons to deal with.
Titanwolf Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I've noticed something. Though I wholeheartedly agree with the concept, If I begin to even think about "forever" I'll start to panic, hear the prison door lock and desperately need an escape (for some that's cheating, for me that's having a "break"). I find that it's better to take each day as it comes and remind yourself of why you care for the person you're with in the 1st place. When you stop caring, at least for the qualities you were once attracted to in that person, it's time to be blunt and cut your losses. Time does cause people to lose appreciation for the people that are there for them everyday, but if people stopped looking so far into the future and lived more in the present, maybe "forever" would come to fruition without even realizing it. Keep in mind that these are the thoughts of an idealist though..I may be wrong. 3
Chocolat Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Since I started living alone I just love it--not having to answer to anyone else, having my own space. I can't imagine wanting to live with someone else ever again. Really, the only thing I miss about being in a relationship is the steady supply of sex/physical affection. I think I would be content in a relationship if we maintained our own spaces, we could go out once in awhile, we f*ck, cuddle for a bit, then he leaves. Sounds like Woody Allen and Mia Farrow. At least until he married his step-daughter. Anyway... Is this your first time living alone, TA? I think it's a great experience, something everyone should do. Maybe after a year or two, you will find that your views have changed. 1
Author tigressA Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Is this your first time living alone, TA? I think it's a great experience, something everyone should do. Maybe after a year or two, you will find that your views have changed. It is my first time living alone. Technically I've been living alone since late February (having my ex's apartment to myself while he was abroad) but have been in my own space since late April. Maybe my views will change on that...I did used to want to get married. Titanwolf's response struck a chord in me as it's exactly what I think. My ex wanted 'forever'; he'd say things like he was going to propose after 2 years, etc, and it made me feel trapped. I prefer going day by day. I also feel like I am not an ideal candidate for long-term relationships because of my extreme selfishness. I'm a taker, not a giver. I only give when there's something for me to take. For me, dating and relationships have never really been about getting to know the other person...it's about liking how they make me feel and what all I can get out of it--not material things, free dinners, etc--but intimacy, emotional support, sex. I don't think I've ever been in love with anyone for themselves. I was just in love with how they made me feel and that they were in love with me. And I've never been at the point where I've been forced to change. Only when I'm no longer able to get away with being like this is when I'll be obliged to change. Could be a defense mechanism and I have a lot of walls to tear down. Or I could just be irreparably damaged. I don't know.
Chocolat Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 One of the benefits to living alone (imo) is that you develop a deep understanding of yourself. This is why I said your views might change in a year. I don't mean that they'll necessarily change in that you'll want to get married or be in a "forver" relationship, but that they'll firm up and the reasons for them will become more obvious. Enjoy this time. I truly think living alone is one of the most libverating things you can do!
amaysngrace Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 (edited) ^^^^^^^^^^ I don't think so. I think that's your internal gut instinct screaming loud and clear. And look...you aren't together anymore. When it's right you'll know. Edited September 14, 2012 by amaysngrace To add my response is to you saying you're flawed. IMO you aren't.
kaylan Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Since I started living alone I just love it--not having to answer to anyone else, having my own space. I can't imagine wanting to live with someone else ever again. Really, the only thing I miss about being in a relationship is the steady supply of sex/physical affection. I think I would be content in a relationship if we maintained our own spaces, we could go out once in awhile, we f*ck, cuddle for a bit, then he leaves. Sweetheart, do consider your age. You are young, and plenty of men are available. When youre older, and most people are paired off, and you start to see how hard it is to meet new people, youll really desire a long term companion and most likely will strive to make it work. Im in my 20s myself, and at the moment Im enjoying myself being single...but I still acknowledge that Im still growing as a person, and that my ideas on life and love are still evolving. I didnt feel the same way I did about relationships at 20 that I do now...and Im sure itll be much different again at 30.
denise_xo Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Since I started living alone I just love it--not having to answer to anyone else, having my own space. I can't imagine wanting to live with someone else ever again. Really, the only thing I miss about being in a relationship is the steady supply of sex/physical affection. I think I would be content in a relationship if we maintained our own spaces, we could go out once in awhile, we f*ck, cuddle for a bit, then he leaves. Yep, this would be my perfect set up, too.
EasyHeart Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Is long-term commitment something everyone is capable of?NO! Sometimes it's "not capable of", but a lot of times it's just "don't want". When I was in my 20s, I didn't want a relationship because I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do and didn't need any women slowing me down. Besides, there were so many tasty treats out there to sample that the thought of being with the same person for the rest of my life simply didn't compute. I love hamburgers, but I don't want to eat one every day. Sometimes I want chicken. Sometimes I want a steak. Or a pork chop. Or some salmon. And every now and then, I want a little surf & turf. I am starting to think I am just not able to be in a long-term commitment. I get the 7-year itch after 1 year, sometimes less. Marriage makes me nervous. Really, the only thing I miss about being in a relationship is the steady supply of sex/physical affection. I think I would be content in a relationship if we maintained our own spaces, we could go out once in awhile, we f*ck, cuddle for a bit, then he leaves. I also feel like I am not an ideal candidate for long-term relationships because of my extreme selfishness. I'm a taker, not a giver. I only give when there's something for me to take.I swear that when I read your posts, it's like I got into a time machine and met my younger self (only with boobies). I spent most of my 20s trying to conform and follow the rules of how society told me I was supposed to live, and I was pretty much miserable. It was only when I figured out that people are idiots and have no business telling me how to live that I became really happy. Most people are sheep. You and I are rams: we go our own way and let the sheep follow us. That's the natural order of the universe. I'm 50 and never married (though I probably should have). The big difference between me and most of my married and (increasingly) divorced friends is that I'm happy. So don't think you have be in a relationship just because every one else is or because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Follow your instincts and don't worry about what other people think or what the "rules" are. People like you make the rules, you don't follow them. I've always wanted to ask you why you picked you TigressA name. I've always thought that if I have a spirit animal it would be a tiger, and I have lots of pictures and little tiger nicknacks all over the place. Tigers live alone in the jungle and only get together to mate. Sounds pretty good to me. And no one messes with a tiger! Jes sayin'. I don't think I've ever been in love with anyone for themselves. I was just in love with how they made me feel and that they were in love with me. And I've never been at the point where I've been forced to change.I know it's a cliche, but that will happen one day. Your problem is that it takes a pretty incredible person to tame you, and those people are few and far between. But they exist. And just imagine how much you'll appreciate each other when you finally meet. . . . 3
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) NO! Sometimes it's "not capable of", but a lot of times it's just "don't want". When I was in my 20s, I didn't want a relationship because I had a lot of stuff I wanted to do and didn't need any women slowing me down. Besides, there were so many tasty treats out there to sample that the thought of being with the same person for the rest of my life simply didn't compute. I love hamburgers, but I don't want to eat one every day. Sometimes I want chicken. Sometimes I want a steak. Or a pork chop. Or some salmon. And every now and then, I want a little surf & turf. I swear that when I read your posts, it's like I got into a time machine and met my younger self (only with boobies). I spent most of my 20s trying to conform and follow the rules of how society told me I was supposed to live, and I was pretty much miserable. It was only when I figured out that people are idiots and have no business telling me how to live that I became really happy. Most people are sheep. You and I are rams: we go our own way and let the sheep follow us. That's the natural order of the universe. I'm 50 and never married (though I probably should have). The big difference between me and most of my married and (increasingly) divorced friends is that I'm happy. So don't think you have be in a relationship just because every one else is or because that's what you're "supposed" to do. Follow your instincts and don't worry about what other people think or what the "rules" are. People like you make the rules, you don't follow them. I've always wanted to ask you why you picked you TigressA name. I've always thought that if I have a spirit animal it would be a tiger, and I have lots of pictures and little tiger nicknacks all over the place. Tigers live alone in the jungle and only get together to mate. Sounds pretty good to me. And no one messes with a tiger! Jes sayin'. I know it's a cliche, but that will happen one day. Your problem is that it takes a pretty incredible person to tame you, and those people are few and far between. But they exist. And just imagine how much you'll appreciate each other when you finally meet. . . . Ahh, if I were twice my current age... You've always been one of my favorite LSers. I really appreciate this post. I think you are right--if I am meant to meet someone and be with them for the rest of my days, that person will be of a rare breed, and because of that will likely take a good bit of time to come across. But it will be worth the wait. I feel like I have an internal conflict. Most days, I'm happy with my life and don't feel lonely or alone. Once in a blue moon, I get into these moods where I'm intensely needy and long for my life partner, whoever they are. I don't let those moods get me down for long, though--I acknowledge and process them and the next day, I'm all good again. Edited September 15, 2012 by tigressA 2
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 IMO, a good question to ask is does one have the desire and propensity for establishing and maintaining long-term relationships in general? Does one value other human beings proactively, or is it transactional? If you can maintain healthy friendships over years, IMO you have the 'stuff' to have a healthy romantic relationship. The variable is the psychological 'glue' for romantic relationships, meaning sexual and emotional attraction, and one's ability to grow those over time and through interaction. It sounds like you have the stuff to attract people and start relationships, but apparently there is a disconnect somewhere along the path of growth. IMO, one key to that disconnect, if extant, can be found within your pattern of non-romantic friendships. Lastly, FOO influences ones relationship style, in that we are modeled at our parents knee and by interactions amongst our close and extended families. Our first experiences with relationship styles occur within family and form some of our longest lasting memories and patterns. Of course, we learn as life marches on, presuming we want to learn and/or have an impetus to learn. Barring mental disease or defect, I think the vast majority of people are capable of having a healthy long-term commitment in the romantic sense. Whether and how it happens is as variable as each of us. Good luck.
mortensorchid Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I don't know where I stand on this. There are some who you just know that they are not that kind of material, they jump from one to another to another more often than they change their underwear. It's not just guys who don't want to commit, there are women as well. I guess if it's right then it's right, and if it's meant to be then it's meant to be. Infatuation wears off, love and life are complicated things.
Author tigressA Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) It's beyond me why you even try and give your SO's the idea that you're in a long term committed and loyal relationship with them. That's deception in my opinion. If you can't stop yourself from cheating, then you'll have to come to terms with yourself and accept that perhaps you're not relationship material. Your best option is then to come clean with the person you're about to connect with. Tell them that it's about the sex for you, that it's going to be a short fling and that you've cheated in the past and that you are prone to short flings. They deserve to know in my opinion. It's unethical to have them believe anything else, when you know the truth. FTR, I have always been honest and up-front about the cheating. I even told my then-SO about it the day after it happened. As far as being prone to short flings, I didn't really know this about myself until after my last relationship. In that relationship, I gave what I could and stayed a lot longer than many people thought I should have, and I did the right thing and broke up with him once I became attracted to someone else. It's funny that one of my ex's closest friends, coworker (and now roommate!) was the one who told me I should cheat while my ex was away and just not tell him. I said "H*ll no. I did that before and I'm not doing it again." I was never being consciously deceitful about being prone to flings. And now that I'm on the market and aware of this, I am being open about it. I get that you will just assume someone who's cheated before is going to be deceptive about everything, but not being totally self-aware at all times isn't a crime. Edited September 15, 2012 by tigressA 1
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Well I personally have a lot of issues with monogamy because I just personally feel there's too many ways in which it doesn't quite work. The divorce rate is high and people cheat left right and centre for a reason. People always hark back to the golden age when people never divorced and stuck things through, but that doesn't mean these were happy marriages. It meant people met, had babies and stayed married because it was what was socially expected, not because they necessarily wanted to or were happy although I'm not discounting those that were. Human nature is a weird beast. We all value freedom and we all value security. Unfortunately, too many relationships now either clash with our ideals of freedom OR do not offer enough security. It's harder now to find your ideal relationship because there are so many models for relationships. You can get married, or not. Have babies, or not. Live together, or not. See each other every day, or once every six months. Every relationship is so different now. Our culture is different. It's an independent culture, not a collective. We all walk around feeling that we don't 'need' each other, because every person can get through their year pretty self sufficiently if they choose to. I guess some people truly are not capable of a long term commitment. Maybe some people are too freedom loving, promiscuous, uninterested or damaged from previous experience to want just one person. Like I said, I struggle with the idea of 1 person because although I think it's best for people in many ways, I think it is starkly against human nature.
Recommended Posts