Fight or flight

[mvc]

just looking for opinions on how to act (i know only i can decide whats best, but different views never hurt)

THE RUNDOWN:

so i was with my gf/ex for 6 years, we got together when we were 17 and have only been with each other. we have travelled the world together and done pretty much everything together. this year she got a job in the city (2hr drive away) and moved down there while i finished my education and am now looking at jobs in the city. we have been looking at places down there to move into as its always been our dream to live and work there.

 

5 weeks ago she broke up with me over the phone without any reasons. we met a week later and i tried talking to her but she wasnt interested (when in conflict she puts up this barrier that she hides behind and pretends there is no issue so she doesnt get hurt/feel guilty) and we have now been in NC ever since.

 

my problem is that i feel like i need to know why if im going to move on, whether its the distance or shes seeing someone else sure its gonna hurt but feel as though id move on quicker if i knew why as opposed to being left in the dark.

 

so my current 'plan' is to see her in the near future and try get her to talk about what the problem(s) is, see if there is a fix, if not leave things there. im also writing a letter of my memories of our time together and was going to send that to her i suppose as my way of saying goodbye.

 

the question i have is that should i bother try meet her and get her to talk or do i just send her the letter or do i just leave it all completely??? its not that im desperate to get back with her i just dont want to look back on this in months or years time and wonder why didnt i try this or why didnt i do that

[ace5950]

write the letter, don't sent it. I personally would not even bother meeting with her. If she wanted to tell you why she broke up with you she would have told you when she broke up with you. You are just setting yourself up for more hurt.

[yoman38]

I'm telling you man you think the reasons will make a difference but they won't. I can almost guarantee that. The most probable reason is she isn't "in love" with you anymore other wise she wouldn't have been able to break up with you. All other reasons "she has a new boyfriend, she has gigs, she wants to experience new things are all secondary this main fact" You can't just leave someone you're truly in love with.

[TopCat22]

Don't send the letter. It won't help. I've had a similar experience, where I'm not sure why my ex really wanted to finish things. I agree with the above posters, knowing won't make it any different. You think that if you know the reason you can work it out, but she won't think like that. She's running on emotion not logic. You can find the problem, talk until you are blue in the face about a solution and she won't budge. Why? Because she's working off the way she feels, not the way she thinks. Best thing to do would be to go completely NC. You don't need to remind her of those memories, she will be thinking about them anyway if you leave her alone. Let her process her feelings and she will decide if she wants to come back or not.

 

Don't do as I've done and get wrapped up in the reasons. Yes, you'd like to learn not to do it like that again, but you can think of all the things you might have done wrong and make sure you don't do those things again. She will probably never tell you anyway. Women don't like to hurt you feelings... ironic, as they'll break your heart...

[TaraMaiden]

so my current 'plan' is to see her in the near future and try get her to talk about what the problem(s) is, see if there is a fix, if not leave things there.

 

Don't worry, I can answer this, in two words:

 

"Another Guy".

 

im also writing a letter of my memories of our time together and was going to send that to her i suppose as my way of saying goodbye.

She will either tear it up without reading it, or read it - then tear it up.

She has zero interest in wandering down YOUR memory lane, because if she could drop it like this - what makes you think she cares about re-runs?

 

the question i have is that should i bother try meet her and get her to talk ...

No.

 

...or do i just send her the letter...

No.

 

... or do i just leave it all completely???

 

Yup.

 

its not that im desperate to get back with her i just dont want to look back on this in months or years time and wonder why didnt i try this or why didnt i do that

 

Even if you still got the answers, you'd still be asking (other) questions.

She's decided.

That's decision/reason enough.

Really, the question is no longer about her.

It's now all about what you do.

 

Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature.

It works wonders - but you have to stick to it, absolutely 100%, 100% of the time.

 

Guaranteed.

[eleve82]

Sadly, I've heard at least one other friend suffer almost the exact same situation - his fiancé literally disappeared after a fight over a phone one day. The reality is, if someone doesn't have the maturity to have a proper discussion with you about what the problem is, then it is almost certain that the relationship would not work anyway. If she is not forthcoming with the reason why she is leaving, one might be tempted to think that she isn't going to be proud of telling you the reasons why she left (e.g. she's lost interest, found someone else). Regardless of the reason, I think the best approach is indeed to leave her to her own and if one day she comes to her senses and wants to talk, you can decide if you still care enough to listen. Given you've been together for 6 years, I suspect you'd probably want to keep this door open but move on - nobody should be treated like this. Take care.

[mvc]

thanks for the advice.

i sent her a txt asking if she was free to catch up, she said she was busy, i asked how a work thing went for her that i knew she had that day and didnt get a response.

 

i know everyone says NC is the way to go but i dont regret sending the txt. if anything her ignoring a genuine question i had (which to me was showing i cared) just shows that she isnt worth my time.

 

in regards to the letter, its not about her or getting her back or whatever. the idea is that compared to the cowardly disrespectful way she has handled the break up (i could go on for days with what she has done) its my way of not sinking to her level and taking the high ground, if that makes sense. im quite aware to the fact she may never read it or rip it up as soon as she does but yeah its basically my way of saying "even though you have broken my heart im strong enough to move on and remember the good times" so like a defiant stand against her???

[mvc]

didnt want to start another thread so ill just put some questions i have in here.

 

so ive been reading this forum a fair bit of late and come to the conclusion she has G.I.G.S. shes in that age group, LDR, major commitment (moving in together), her reasons were contradicting, came out of nowhere, change in lifestyle, said she wasnt IN love. i may be completely wrong, she may have an actual reason but wont tell me but ill never find out anyway so no point trying to figure that out. coming to this conclusion i feel has set the wheels in motion for me in regards to moving on. if she does have G.I.G.S it shows i didnt/dont mean nearly as much to her as what she did to me and that basically she gave up on us because she was 'scared'

 

so yes my questions. i have some things at her place that i purchased for being with her. so if she gives them back to me do i say thanks or do i question what am i suppose to do with them? or not take them as i cant really do anything with them

 

im contemplating deleting her from facebook. reasons for doing so are obvious however i dont want to seem shallow (in my own eyes) so is there a way of having them on but they cant see ur posts/ you cant see theres? (this question makes no sense i know)

 

and finally, she visits here every couple of months and im wondering how i respond if she calls/txts wanting to meet (i cant see this happening but it might) do i answer her calls or ignore them then txt later or what?

 

it may sound as though i care too much about her feelings but im a strong believer in "treat others how you would like them treat you"

[TaraMaiden]

i have some things at her place that i purchased for being with her. so if she gives them back to me do i say thanks or do i question what am i suppose to do with them? or not take them as i cant really do anything with them

First, wait until she offers to give them back.

Do you want therm back?

Do they have financial value?

 

if she offers them back, and you want them, just tell her to send them or leave them with a mutual friend.

if you get no comment, or don't care, leave it be.

If she sends them back with no comment, start a yard sale, or e-bay them.

Sounds like she will just quietly keep them, and won't be fussed about returning them.... she hasn't proven otherwise so far, has she?

 

im contemplating deleting her from facebook. reasons for doing so are obvious however i dont want to seem shallow (in my own eyes) so is there a way of having them on but they cant see ur posts/ you cant see theres? (this question makes no sense i know)

You're right, it doesn't.

Just do it.

What she thinks doesn't matter. YOU know why you're doing it, and if she has the front to ask or comment... well.... attention seeking, no?

 

and finally, she visits here every couple of months and im wondering how i respond if she calls/txts wanting to meet (i cant see this happening but it might) do i answer her calls or ignore them then txt later or what?

IGNORE.

Deny all possibility of contact. Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature. It works, and gives you every reason why you should do, what you should do.

 

it may sound as though i care too much about her feelings but im a strong believer in "treat others how you would like them treat you"

That's a pile of crock.

She's not doing that to you, is she?

besides, No Contact isn't about her feelings or how you should consider her before yourself. No Contact is designed as a self-preservation method of being able to protect yourself from pain and help you move on.

Is it selfish?

Yeah, you could say it is.

Rightly so though.

There comes a time when you have to treat yourself, the way you wish to be treated by you.

[mvc]

First, wait until she offers to give them back.

Do you want therm back?

Do they have financial value?

 

if she offers them back, and you want them, just tell her to send them or leave them with a mutual friend.

if you get no comment, or don't care, leave it be.

If she sends them back with no comment, start a yard sale, or e-bay them.

Sounds like she will just quietly keep them, and won't be fussed about returning them.... she hasn't proven otherwise so far, has she?

 

 

You're right, it doesn't.

Just do it.

What she thinks doesn't matter. YOU know why you're doing it, and if she has the front to ask or comment... well.... attention seeking, no?

 

 

IGNORE.

Deny all possibility of contact. Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature. It works, and gives you every reason why you should do, what you should do.

 

 

That's a pile of crock.

She's not doing that to you, is she?

besides, No Contact isn't about her feelings or how you should consider her before yourself. No Contact is designed as a self-preservation method of being able to protect yourself from pain and help you move on.

Is it selfish?

Yeah, you could say it is.

Rightly so though.

There comes a time when you have to treat yourself, the way you wish to be treated by you.

 

well not sure if i want them or not. like i said they were purchased to be with her but thats not happening anymore. if she is to give them back she will randomly turn up and say here you go (no prior warnings or anything)

 

havnt been on facebook for a couple of days and losing the urge to go on so perhaps that is fixing itself?

 

have read the guide and it is helpful. still at that stage where i question everything i do whether its the right thing or not. i try not stress on it too much as theres nothing i can do. "everything happens for a reason"

 

dont think its a pile of crock. dont see the point in sinking to the levels of some people cause to me that says the way you have acted is perfectly ok.

 

am sticking with NC my only problem i have is that the whole break up was what she wanted when she wanted it meaning i have no power. i just wish she would try contact me so i can ignore it and have at least a little bit of power. but thats all pointless really. with gigs, NC will either allow her to test the waters and see what she can get or eventually she will see what she had, i just hope that if its the latter she can own up to the fact, drop her stubborness and contact me and then it will be my call and ill have all the power

[beyond]

didnt want to start another thread so ill just put some questions i have in here.

 

so ive been reading this forum a fair bit of late and come to the conclusion she has G.I.G.S. shes in that age group, LDR, major commitment (moving in together), her reasons were contradicting, came out of nowhere, change in lifestyle, said she wasnt IN love. i may be completely wrong, she may have an actual reason but wont tell me but ill never find out anyway so no point trying to figure that out. coming to this conclusion i feel has set the wheels in motion for me in regards to moving on. if she does have G.I.G.S it shows i didnt/dont mean nearly as much to her as what she did to me and that basically she gave up on us because she was 'scared'

 

so yes my questions. i have some things at her place that i purchased for being with her. so if she gives them back to me do i say thanks or do i question what am i suppose to do with them? or not take them as i cant really do anything with them

 

im contemplating deleting her from facebook. reasons for doing so are obvious however i dont want to seem shallow (in my own eyes) so is there a way of having them on but they cant see ur posts/ you cant see theres? (this question makes no sense i know)

 

and finally, she visits here every couple of months and im wondering how i respond if she calls/txts wanting to meet (i cant see this happening but it might) do i answer her calls or ignore them then txt later or what?

 

it may sound as though i care too much about her feelings but im a strong believer in "treat others how you would like them treat you"

 

Hi,

 

She HAS given you a reason, she has said she is not IN love with you anymore. You were both teenagers when you got together and it lasted 6 years, but now she wants different things/experiences. It happens, in fact it is very common. As hurtful as this is , far better she does this now, than you drift into a marriage and children and then she discovers she wants to experience different things away from you.

 

It's sad she can't express herself better about the breakup. I went through a break up with a GIGS ex and he couldn't talk to me about it at the time either. We got back in contact years later and he confessed he felt so guilty because he knew I had literally done nothing 'wrong' and yet he had to go off and spread his wings.

 

I think your conclusion that her having GIGS shows she gave up on you because she was scared is wrong. She NEEDS to do this. Would you want her to stay when she feels this?

Please read Gibsons' thread about GIGS. It really is helpful in explaining how this is not a rejection of you bt simply something she has to do.

 

To answer your questions:

 

It sounds like you don't need any of the stuff that is at hers. If she offers it back to you, just politely decline.

 

Can't help with the 'facebook' question - I don't have it and don't understand why people do. I'm sure there must be a way to block seeing her on there though.

 

As for her contacting you - I think that is very likely at some point. If you feel you can take her calls/txts and not feel anything other than friendly towards her then do. Personally, it tore me up when I heard things from my GIGS ex, so I ended up changing my number and email.

 

xx

[Calico]

am sticking with NC my only problem i have is that the whole break up was what she wanted when she wanted it meaning i have no power.... drop her stubborness and contact me and then it will be my call and ill have all the power

 

It seems to be more about "power" and control than about love for you now.

 

See, the thing is, you never really have any power over how another person feels, or whether or not they love you. You do have full power over yourself and what you focus on. You are not out of power only because someone else's feelings changed or because she didn't contact you. If you feel differently, then it is because you gave her that power. You can decide to take it back, and that does not require any actual action, just the decision to do so.

 

You do have power and control over your decision to go NC and stick with it. You do have power and control over your decision to move on. You do have power and control over taking care of yourself, independently of what she does or doesn't do. You do have power and control over accepting that the relationship didn't work out.

 

NC is for you, and what she does is completely irrelevant.

[Dblock10]

stay out of her way man. go no contact and do not break it. I bet in 90 days or less she will be back.

 

cant be sure she has met someone else, but what ever her reasons are it sounds like gigs. she will learn its not great without you and she will be back.

 

try and move on best as you can. do not send her a letter of any sorts. she dumped you, you dont need to do anything now.

 

facebook, next to there status update you click the little arrow and select hear less or see less, something along those lines. that means you wont see any status updates or photos she gets tagged in. also do it to mutual friends

 

unless you can straight up delete her

[mvc]

Hi,

 

She HAS given you a reason, she has said she is not IN love with you anymore. You were both teenagers when you got together and it lasted 6 years, but now she wants different things/experiences. It happens, in fact it is very common. As hurtful as this is , far better she does this now, than you drift into a marriage and children and then she discovers she wants to experience different things away from you.

 

It's sad she can't express herself better about the breakup. I went through a break up with a GIGS ex and he couldn't talk to me about it at the time either. We got back in contact years later and he confessed he felt so guilty because he knew I had literally done nothing 'wrong' and yet he had to go off and spread his wings.

 

I think your conclusion that her having GIGS shows she gave up on you because she was scared is wrong. She NEEDS to do this. Would you want her to stay when she feels this?

Please read Gibsons' thread about GIGS. It really is helpful in explaining how this is not a rejection of you bt simply something she has to do.

 

To answer your questions:

 

It sounds like you don't need any of the stuff that is at hers. If she offers it back to you, just politely decline.

 

Can't help with the 'facebook' question - I don't have it and don't understand why people do. I'm sure there must be a way to block seeing her on there though.

 

As for her contacting you - I think that is very likely at some point. If you feel you can take her calls/txts and not feel anything other than friendly towards her then do. Personally, it tore me up when I heard things from my GIGS ex, so I ended up changing my number and email.

 

xx

 

i think i have read that thread (if not ive read another one about GIGS) and it did open my eyes a lot. when she broke up with me she said she couldnt justify why she wanted to which left me with a whole lot of questions and no way of getting answers (shes the type who keeps her emotions to herself) but the thread gave me some answers i spose.

 

i understand the whole she needs to try something else, but at the same time i feel that because we were together for so long the relationship deserved the opportunity for both of us to sit down and talk about what was going on. in all likely hood it would not have changed anything and we will still have seperated but at least, for me anyway, i know that we at least tried to see if there was a way around it. basically because it happend completely out of nowhere and my opinions meant absolutely nothing is my problem with the whole thing.

[mvc]

It seems to be more about "power" and control than about love for you now.

 

See, the thing is, you never really have any power over how another person feels, or whether or not they love you. You do have full power over yourself and what you focus on. You are not out of power only because someone else's feelings changed or because she didn't contact you. If you feel differently, then it is because you gave her that power. You can decide to take it back, and that does not require any actual action, just the decision to do so.

 

You do have power and control over your decision to go NC and stick with it. You do have power and control over your decision to move on. You do have power and control over taking care of yourself, independently of what she does or doesn't do. You do have power and control over accepting that the relationship didn't work out.

 

NC is for you, and what she does is completely irrelevant.

 

great post. i go through phases, like everyone, each day where i miss her then i hate her for doing what she did then ill miss her some more.

i am moving forward, im more open to the fact that things are over and NC is getting that bit easier each day (with the minor hiccup every now and again).

its just sad whats happend really, but what can you do

[mvc]

stay out of her way man. go no contact and do not break it. I bet in 90 days or less she will be back.

 

cant be sure she has met someone else, but what ever her reasons are it sounds like gigs. she will learn its not great without you and she will be back.

 

try and move on best as you can. do not send her a letter of any sorts. she dumped you, you dont need to do anything now.

 

facebook, next to there status update you click the little arrow and select hear less or see less, something along those lines. that means you wont see any status updates or photos she gets tagged in. also do it to mutual friends

 

unless you can straight up delete her

 

cheers. i drew up a calendar since the break up and wrote in the days when i have contacted her and its amazing how far i have come really. i dont know if this is the right thing but it feels as though the time has flown by.

at first i thought there was someone else (as really its the only thing i would stop her from doing, she said herself i dont hold her back from anything) but now im not so sure and think she is just hanging with her new friends. either way ill never find out though so its best not to sit on and wonder what shes doing and who she is with.

the letter i mentioned earlier is finished but i havnt sent it to her and most likely wont, perhaps if she contacted me and we talked about trying again i may read it to her so she knows how i felt? otherwise i think it will be a good thing for me in the future to read about all the great times we had

 

the problem i have with NC is i know a couple who broke up and the guy constantly rang the girl until she would pick up and he was always txting her and what not. to most people that comes across as clingy and pushing her away. but they got back together and have been a lot happier since. so i think thats why im constantly second guessing myself because NC is great way of heeling but at the same time i have this example of keeping in touch and it worked out.

 

just keep trying to tell myself if its meant to be it will all work out

[Dblock10]

cheers. i drew up a calendar since the break up and wrote in the days when i have contacted her and its amazing how far i have come really. i dont know if this is the right thing but it feels as though the time has flown by.

at first i thought there was someone else (as really its the only thing i would stop her from doing, she said herself i dont hold her back from anything) but now im not so sure and think she is just hanging with her new friends. either way ill never find out though so its best not to sit on and wonder what shes doing and who she is with.

the letter i mentioned earlier is finished but i havnt sent it to her and most likely wont, perhaps if she contacted me and we talked about trying again i may read it to her so she knows how i felt? otherwise i think it will be a good thing for me in the future to read about all the great times we had

 

the problem i have with NC is i know a couple who broke up and the guy constantly rang the girl until she would pick up and he was always txting her and what not. to most people that comes across as clingy and pushing her away. but they got back together and have been a lot happier since. so i think thats why im constantly second guessing myself because NC is great way of heeling but at the same time i have this example of keeping in touch and it worked out.

 

just keep trying to tell myself if its meant to be it will all work out

 

well good your doing better.

 

yeah your right there is no point sitting on that and wondering, as you wont know unless you ask, even then could be lies

 

yeah keep that letter for yourself bro. i still think she needs to be the one that comes to you, not in the "playing games" type of way but because of how it ended. like if you keep on at her i can only see it pushing her further away.

 

constantly rang her and got her back, poss first man in history to do so..

 

it all depends on why and how you guys broke up, his situation may be different. and tbh everyone is different.

 

you can by all means stay in contact but you wouldnt be true to yourself by doing so would you? you want to talk about things yet she doesnt.. it could make her think after a while your ok with being friends.

 

dunno man, end of the day you can over think all this ****, just got to do what you do and be happy with the decisions you do make. obviously try and look at things objectively though

[mvc]

well good your doing better.

 

yeah your right there is no point sitting on that and wondering, as you wont know unless you ask, even then could be lies

 

yeah keep that letter for yourself bro. i still think she needs to be the one that comes to you, not in the "playing games" type of way but because of how it ended. like if you keep on at her i can only see it pushing her further away.

 

constantly rang her and got her back, poss first man in history to do so..

 

it all depends on why and how you guys broke up, his situation may be different. and tbh everyone is different.

 

you can by all means stay in contact but you wouldnt be true to yourself by doing so would you? you want to talk about things yet she doesnt.. it could make her think after a while your ok with being friends.

 

dunno man, end of the day you can over think all this ****, just got to do what you do and be happy with the decisions you do make. obviously try and look at things objectively though

 

i agree she should be the one to come back to me but knowing her and her personality she isnt the type who would do that as to them it perhaps shows that they made a mistake and shows a weakness?

 

he very well may be the 1st man in history haha but yeah their relationship is different to mine. they are both very open about how the feel.

 

been reading some more threads on this gigs thing and its leading me more towards not so much giving up but just letting her go. the thought of her with someone else kills me as we have only been with each other but like ive said i cant do anything about that and just need to focus on myself.

[Dblock10]

i agree she should be the one to come back to me but knowing her and her personality she isnt the type who would do that as to them it perhaps shows that they made a mistake and shows a weakness?

 

he very well may be the 1st man in history haha but yeah their relationship is different to mine. they are both very open about how the feel.

 

been reading some more threads on this gigs thing and its leading me more towards not so much giving up but just letting her go. the thought of her with someone else kills me as we have only been with each other but like ive said i cant do anything about that and just need to focus on myself.

 

well thats a burden she will have to live with not you..

 

yeah it most likely is gig's if thats the word for such behaviour. all you can do is let them go. happens to almost everyone. in fact i myself had gigs when i was younger and lost an important girl.

 

but i no longer regret it at all and realise it was in fact for the best

[beyond]

i agree she should be the one to come back to me but knowing her and her personality she isnt the type who would do that as to them it perhaps shows that they made a mistake and shows a weakness?

 

he very well may be the 1st man in history haha but yeah their relationship is different to mine. they are both very open about how the feel.

 

been reading some more threads on this gigs thing and its leading me more towards not so much giving up but just letting her go. the thought of her with someone else kills me as we have only been with each other but like ive said i cant do anything about that and just need to focus on myself.

 

I know it's so hard mvc, but I do think in this situation that's the best thing you can do for you (and her as well).

 

I often think a break up due to GIGS is the hardest of all because you can't do a darn thing about it. If a partner tells you they are breaking up because of poor communication/need more time together etc etc then you can try and solve things - it might not work but at least you get the chance to try. With a GIGS break up you have to realise it would have happened NO MATTER WHAT. Maybe, in time that will be a comfort to you as you know it's not you and nothing you could have done - for me, I just felt helpless.

 

Your point that your ex should have sat you down and explained things to you is very valid and I completely understand that need to just be TOLD, but the truth is she wasn't mature enough to do this and/or just didn't know what to say.

 

When my GIGS ex got back in contact with me with a few years perspective to look back on it on, he said that he had no idea why he had to leave, everything was perfect, he loved me but he just had to go off and experience life. He couldn't tell me because he said he didn't understand it himself, but I kind of guessed and told him what he needed to do (one of the hardest things ever I've had to do but I loved him and wanted what was best for him)

 

I think you should think about what you are going to do when your ex contacts you. If you can't think of her purely as a friend (and I'm sure you can't after so little time) then you may stop your healing by hearing all her news, who she is seeing, what a great time she is having. Even if you don't reply you still read/hear it. Some people can take that, but others need not to even see that and block emails/texts. Do what you feel is best for you.

 

xx

[mvc]

I know it's so hard mvc, but I do think in this situation that's the best thing you can do for you (and her as well).

 

I often think a break up due to GIGS is the hardest of all because you can't do a darn thing about it. If a partner tells you they are breaking up because of poor communication/need more time together etc etc then you can try and solve things - it might not work but at least you get the chance to try. With a GIGS break up you have to realise it would have happened NO MATTER WHAT. Maybe, in time that will be a comfort to you as you know it's not you and nothing you could have done - for me, I just felt helpless.

 

Your point that your ex should have sat you down and explained things to you is very valid and I completely understand that need to just be TOLD, but the truth is she wasn't mature enough to do this and/or just didn't know what to say.

 

When my GIGS ex got back in contact with me with a few years perspective to look back on it on, he said that he had no idea why he had to leave, everything was perfect, he loved me but he just had to go off and experience life. He couldn't tell me because he said he didn't understand it himself, but I kind of guessed and told him what he needed to do (one of the hardest things ever I've had to do but I loved him and wanted what was best for him)

 

I think you should think about what you are going to do when your ex contacts you. If you can't think of her purely as a friend (and I'm sure you can't after so little time) then you may stop your healing by hearing all her news, who she is seeing, what a great time she is having. Even if you don't reply you still read/hear it. Some people can take that, but others need not to even see that and block emails/texts. Do what you feel is best for you.

 

xx

 

in a way im glad i have discovered this gigs thing as it kinda gives me some answers, but then at the same time i dont know how to take it. as the dumpee its basically them saying 'this is all great and everything, but i just wanna see if i can do better'. so i think thats why i wish she sat me down and talked to me because perhaps what she is 'missing' we could have found and still been together?

 

my fear about reading all these gigs threads is that they all say "when they contacted me again blah blah blah" and that they will try reconcile i dont want to get caught in the trap of waiting. but right now i dont want to move on too soon so as to ruin any chance of reconciliation. its not a nice place to be in. and if this gigs thing is she goes off tries new things and doesnt like them then comes back (assuming she will) i feel as though im going to need a pretty decent recount of everything shes done in the meantime to understand what happend. perhaps with time i will be able to decide which path is best?

 

to be honest i cannot see her trying to contact me, well not any time soon. i think she will either wait for me to contact her again or just destract herself so the pain/guilt goes away. if she did contact me id want to ask some questions so i can clarify that she does have gigs but tbh have little interest talking about how she is/what shes been upto.

 

also noticed that my FB status is still "in a relationship" not sure if i should put it to single and get some sympathy from friends or just put it to blank. (theres a story behind this i dont have time to get into but perhaps later)

[mvc]

just another update on me. continuing the NC, think its been a month?? maybe 3 weeks but im noticing im feeling a lot more anger towards her lately, mainly because since the BU she has not once tried to contact me even though she said she wanted to be friends and has told mutual friends she wants to be friends (actions speak louder then words however).

so now i have been reading up on the stages of grief and obviously in the anger stage. i feel that at the beginning i was in the barganing stage? (wanted to sit down and talk about what happend, whereas now i have accepted that is never going to happen because she wont let it) and im not looking forward to the depression stage. does this happen with everyone? one day you angry at them then you get depressed? i was depressed the 1st week (not eating or sleeping) and do not want to go through that again.

 

i hate the days where you have to remind yourself its over. the times you hear or see something that you would normally tell them straight away (when we where together) but then have to tell yourself that thats not part of your life anymore. that sucks.

 

ive been setting small goals for myself that i have been achieving which helps me feel good. stuff like exercise, job hunting, basically anything that prevents me being alone at home.

 

question for beyond, what did you do to move on? what helped? any advice or what not as it sounds like im going through a similar thing to you. and what happend when they got back in contact with you?

[TaraMaiden]

The stages are not necessarily sequential, neither is it actually written anywhere that it's obligatory to experience all of them....

[mvc]

The stages are not necessarily sequential, neither is it actually written anywhere that it's obligatory to experience all of them....

 

yeah i understand that. pretty sure i never had denial? so perhaps after anger ill move to acceptance, or quite possibly stay at anger. just wondering how others have coped

[mvc]

hey all just a quick question.

(havnt spoken to ex in however long its been and dont expect to be hearing from her anytime soon and tbh im not really bothered by that so thats all good)

 

but yeah met a girl the other day at a party and we slept on the lounge togethers (as in "zzzz" sleep) and have been texting a fair bit since. i know im in no place to start anything with someone else (nor do i want to really, want to try out this 'single' lifestyle) so yeah just wondering how i let her know that without sounding like a prick or stuffing things up? any help/advice will do