Liebeskrank Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 A few years ago, just as I was starting college, I was in a wonderful relationship with a girl, who I’ll call Lily. I knew she was “the one” back then. In what would be the worst year of my life, she passed away in a car accident. My world fell apart, I dropped out of college, quit my job and shut everyone out of my life because everything reminded me of her. My parents decided enough was enough and moved with me to a different country. The move helped. A couple of years passed as I slowly started my life over. Then I met someone else. Let’s call her Suzy. From the start, I noticed she had an uncanny resemblance to Lily, which I think was what drew me to her in the first place. For a while, I wrestled with guilt and shame; that I would break a promise I made to Lily that I would stay with her forever, and that it was wrong to be attracted to someone because she reminded me of someone else. But eventually I decided to set it aside and move on. After all, it had been five years. So Suzy and I started dating and we’ve been together for two years now. She’s been great. I don’t think I felt true happiness once in those five years, but my life feels almost picture perfect now. The almost comes a feeling deep down that all of this isn’t right. I can see myself marrying this girl and it’s certainly got serious enough that this is a real possibility. But every now and then, she does something that reminds me of my ex and I wonder if I truly love her and appreciate her for who she really is. I’m very tempted to tell her all of this, but I don’t expect her to react to this too well. It’ll look like I only dated her because of Lily and I have been dishonest with her from the start, which is at least partially true. Am I a terrible person? Should I tell her the truth?
Balzac Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Current GF of what duration? Two years thus she knows all about this? Really difficult story to hear.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 No. Do not tell her she reminds you of your ex. Keep your exes out of a relationship. Even if you think of your ex in a positive way , it's still gonna lead to problems in the long run. Some day she might do something that upsets you and reminds you of another of your exes (in a negative way this time), and you might say teh same thing, and that is something that no person wants to hear. It feels terrible. I went through something similar to this. My ex (as of today!) kept bringing up his ex'es, and it didn't bother me at all. In fact, I was curious about his previous relationships and what ended them. But at some point, he started mentioning that something I did -- which he didn't like/appreciate -- reminded him of his ex'es. From then on, it was all about "you're acting just like them." All the time. It started feeling as if he had a "complex" and was taking out his frustrations with previous gf's on me. There's a reason you call her an "ex". You've moved on. Supposedly. Do not bring her up in any way, negative or positive, as it MIGHT lead to complications. Just my humble opinion.
amaysngrace Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 (edited) If she knows how much your late girlfriend means to you, then yes I think that's okay. I think that you are still feeling guilty about loving someone else though. Edited September 13, 2012 by amaysngrace
guildenstern Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Idk, the whole thing sound complicated but what do u think it will improve? I just think theres a couple things that could go bad and not really anything that could be better. Will she take it as a compliment? Maybe but u probably already compliment her in other ways that are just about her. And she might feel weird n self-conscious about filling someone's shoes. The guilt stuff tho u should maybe try talking to a therapist if it bugs u.
todreaminblue Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 A few years ago, just as I was starting college, I was in a wonderful relationship with a girl, who I’ll call Lily. I knew she was “the one” back then. In what would be the worst year of my life, she passed away in a car accident. My world fell apart, I dropped out of college, quit my job and shut everyone out of my life because everything reminded me of her. My parents decided enough was enough and moved with me to a different country. The move helped. A couple of years passed as I slowly started my life over. Then I met someone else. Let’s call her Suzy. From the start, I noticed she had an uncanny resemblance to Lily, which I think was what drew me to her in the first place. For a while, I wrestled with guilt and shame; that I would break a promise I made to Lily that I would stay with her forever, and that it was wrong to be attracted to someone because she reminded me of someone else. But eventually I decided to set it aside and move on. After all, it had been five years. So Suzy and I started dating and we’ve been together for two years now. She’s been great. I don’t think I felt true happiness once in those five years, but my life feels almost picture perfect now. The almost comes a feeling deep down that all of this isn’t right. I can see myself marrying this girl and it’s certainly got serious enough that this is a real possibility. But every now and then, she does something that reminds me of my ex and I wonder if I truly love her and appreciate her for who she really is. I’m very tempted to tell her all of this, but I don’t expect her to react to this too well. It’ll look like I only dated her because of Lily and I have been dishonest with her from the start, which is at least partially true. Am I a terrible person? Should I tell her the truth? You are feeling guilt so no you are not a terrible person .I don't think you should tell her she reminds you of your ex.......women tend to do similar things you know has common traits as men have common traits you are probably picking up on her femininity and most women will react similarly put in certain situations or conversations.Also the fact is if your girlfriend is a caring kind considerate female.....then there maybe your ex was the same....so you are getting de ja vu......i wish you the best in life and love.....deb
yoman38 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 (edited) I highly recommend against this lol, however I do recommend that you figure out if you love this person for who they are or are just being with them to vicaruously experience a past life with your ex. Give it good soul searching. Edited September 14, 2012 by yoman38
BehindBlueEyes Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 That would be a great way to show her how special she is......NOT! Dude....she's your EX....let her go and make your current feel special.... Do yo uactually love her? do yo ufeel anything strong?
irin Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 have you really fully grieved from what happened to lily?
Trimmer Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Why ruin a good present and a potential great future because of the past that obviously, wasn't so great because the girl in the past is called EX for a reason. Dude, did you read any more of the OP than the subject line? In what would be the worst year of my life, she passed away in a car accident. I happen to agree with your conclusion - why damage what you have; what's to gain from introducing this issue? - but your reasoning and your comment about his past GF seem out of place.
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