iris219 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I’d like to see if reconciling would be a possibility with one of my exes. The problem is, we have very different ideas on how to go about this. I want to go on some dates and see if we are compatible. He wants to pick up where we left off 7 years ago. He even talked about moving in together (we used live together). He’s not interested in doing it my way; I can’t imagine doing it his way. Is he being unreasonable? Am I? How do you go about reconciling with someone from many years ago?
veggirl Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 HE is being totally unreasonable. You guys I'm sure broke up for a reason, has that issue been resolved? I'm sure you and he have both changed a lot in 7 years, and you didn't change together you changed separately, so how can he know you are still compatible and whatnot? I would refuse to do it his way. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I’d like to see if reconciling would be a possibility with one of my exes. The problem is, we have very different ideas on how to go about this. I want to go on some dates and see if we are compatible. He wants to pick up where we left off 7 years ago. He even talked about moving in together (we used live together). He’s not interested in doing it my way; I can’t imagine doing it his way. Is he being unreasonable? Am I? How do you go about reconciling with someone from many years ago? NO, you are NOT being unreasonable. HE, however, IS being unreasonable. Stand your ground. If he wants this badly enough, he should be willing to accept your choice, which makes a lot of sense given your history with him. I can't stress enough how important it is for you to stand your ground. Otherwise you will become a doormat in the relationship and I don't think you want that. I learned this the hard way.
EasyHeart Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 The fact that you can't agree on something as basic as this should tell you everything you need to know. . . . 4
Mrlonelyone Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 First you are not being unreasonable. The one time I did take the plunge and move in with someone it did not end well. I don't think that ever really ends well, one person or the other is disappointed. If you do this take it slow. Get to know eachother as you both have changed in seven years. That said, there is a basic knowledge that comes from living with someone or dating someone long term. So you can move a bit faster than if he were a stranger. Take it one day at a time and enjoy it. 1
Author iris219 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 He says it would be too hard for him to just date and see what happens. That’s why it’s an all or nothing kind of thing for him. Currently, he has a “get back to me when you’re serious” attitude with me. I, on the other hand, feel like we don’t know each anymore. I would need to reestablish a connection. He claims I feel this way because I don’t really want to get back together. The truth is, I don’t know.
Author iris219 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Why did you guys break up? I felt like I had outgrown him. I met him when I was 22. By the time I was 26, I had become a different person. I changed a lot during our relationship; he didn't. He is 10 years older and already had an established identity, whereas I didn't. Overall, he's a really good guy, just a bit immature and melodramatic at times.
MonsterMash Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 So.....you broke up with him once, and say he still hasn't changed. Yet you're wondering if you and he should get back together? I think you need to rethink being with this guy at all. 1
Mrlonelyone Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 You say he was immature and impulsive. Has that changed? Well, he wants to just move in with someone he has only reconnected with for a short time. I'm guessing like a month. Do steady mature thoughtful people do that or do they date for a good while first? Sometimes it does work out when people do that but how often? Personally I would not do that. Been there done that it's a mess.
Author iris219 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Those familiar with me on LS know that I have no options and I want to have children very soon (like years ago). I know my ex is a good father. (He has a child from a previous marriage.) He isn't perfect, but if I can stand him, I'm willing to move forward with the relationship. He isn't, however, letting me decide if I can stand him.
Mrlonelyone Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I really feel for you Iris. If you know what you want, and think this man can give you that then go for it. Try telling him something like this. "Lets date for a month or two and see if we are still compatible, if we are then we can move in together." If he's really interested in the whole you then waiting a couple months isn't a big deal. I mean this guy has weaved himself in and out of your life for years now...what's a couple of months?
xxoo Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 (edited) He isn't perfect, but if I can stand him, I'm willing to move forward with the relationship. He isn't, however, letting me decide if I can stand him. Ah, young love Are you serious about those sentiments, or kidding? Is this the ex with the dog? Edited September 14, 2012 by xxoo
Author iris219 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 how old are you OP? I'm 33 Ah, young love Are you serious about those sentiments, or kidding? I'm serious. I don't have the luxury of waiting for someone I'm madly in love with and totally compatible with. I wish I did, but my circumstances don't allow that. I have no dating options whatsoever and I want to have children. Is this the ex with the dog? Oh god, no. That was a disaster. I'm on to the next (and last) ex. My other two exes are married, so they aren't a possibility.
xxoo Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I'm 33 I'm serious. I don't have the luxury of waiting for someone I'm madly in love with and totally compatible with. I wish I did, but my circumstances don't allow that. I have no dating options whatsoever and I want to have children. Oh god, no. That was a disaster. I'm on to the next (and last) ex. My other two exes are married, so they aren't a possibility. Ok, I'm glad it isn't the ex with the dog! But the context makes a difference. Did you approach your ex? Does he know that you recently tried to reconcile with another ex? Does he know that you are looking to settle because your clock is ticking? These would be reasons for him to be less than enthusiastic about dating. I'm not surprised he's set the bar high (move in, or nothing), because he wants some "good faith" from you that you are really into him (which you aren't).
veggirl Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Is it the relationship you want or just someone okay to have kids with? My boss and I were talking about how she had her kid at 37, that's why I asked how old you are, I thought of this thread. Will he compromise, you can guys can see each other a lot etc but not move in
Author iris219 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Ok, I'm glad it isn't the ex with the dog! But the context makes a difference. Did you approach your ex? Does he know that you recently tried to reconcile with another ex? Does he know that you are looking to settle because your clock is ticking? These would be reasons for him to be less than enthusiastic about dating. I'm not surprised he's set the bar high (move in, or nothing), because he wants some "good faith" from you that you are really into him (which you aren't). We've been in contact periodically since we broke up 7 years ago. We'll go months without communication, then someone will call to check in on the other person. We're like family. This summer I helped him out with something, so we were having fairly regular contact. He expressed how he wished we had stayed together, so I suggested we go on some dates. You're right: I know he doesn't quite trust me to be sincere in my desire to want to commit to him, and I'm not sure either. It's important that I'm to sure before committing so that I don't hurt him, but dating until I decide will hurt him too. I guess it's better if I just leave him alone if I can't give him want he wants, how he wants it. He's a good person and deserves someone who is sure about him. The thing is, I might decide I am sure about him if he gave me a chance to make this decision. I don't know what to do.
Author iris219 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 Is it the relationship you want or just someone okay to have kids with? My boss and I were talking about how she had her kid at 37, that's why I asked how old you are, I thought of this thread. Will he compromise, you can guys can see each other a lot etc but not move in I'm glad it worked out for your boss, but I'm afraid to take a chance and keep waiting. It's considered a high risk pregnancy if the mother is over 35, and many women find they have a lot of trouble conceiving in their 30s. I'm not sure if he's interested in compromising and I understand his reluctance. He's trying to protect himself.
veggirl Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I'm glad it worked out for your boss, but I'm afraid to take a chance and keep waiting. It's considered a high risk pregnancy if the mother is over 35, and many women find they have a lot of trouble conceiving in their 30s. I'm not sure if he's interested in compromising and I understand his reluctance. He's trying to protect himself. well I mean how long do you want to just date for before committing? ask him if a COUPLE dates would work or something? I get wanting to protect himself and all but jumping in blind seems crazy, I don't see the harm in a couple dates and re-assess then. I mean you guys already know each other well, it's not like you'd need to date for a year before knowing if it looks like it'll work!
xxoo Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 (edited) What are you hoping to learn from dating that you don't already know? While I think it would be very unconventional in our culture to jump right into living together and marriage, it would be similar to the process of an arranged marriage--and you know far more about each other than in that circumstance, typically. Have you considered other avenues toward motherhood? Edited September 14, 2012 by xxoo
oaks Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I have no dating options whatsoever and I want to have children. Move to somewhere with a population. But to address your original question, it sounds like he wants you to be all-in right now with this reconciliation, whereas you're merely open to the idea of finding out if there could be one. Could it be that he isn't really keen on getting back together and he knows that his approach won't be one you're willing to take?
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