Mcnulty Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Hi, it's been 11 months since she left. I'm still in love with her and still think about her often. Nc since day 1. Recently the thoughts of her have become more frequent, I'm dreaming about her a lot, thinking back to a year ago just prior to the break up, how I shut down from her. Are the mpore frequent thoughts because it's coming up to the year mark? Does it get easier after this mark, when if you think back a year ago, it was over and she wasn't in my life? Just wondering - many thanks for reading.
Frank13 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 (edited) I'd like to know too. It's been 8 months NC for me. It is actually harder now than it was at the beginning. I too have had dreams about her the past week and I rarely ever dreamt of her. In one of the dreams were we working together but ignoring each other like we were doing NC, just as in real life. I had a really bad couple of days after about 4.5 months of NC. Then I was feeling better for a month. Then at the 6 month mark I felt extreme sadness for an entire month. At month 7 it started to get better but as time went by it slowly got worse again. Now at month 8 I am feeling depressed and it doesn't seem to be getting better. She's just always on my mind. Not in an obsessive way, but more like missing someone who has died. It's tough because rather than her being dead, she is still alive and I know she would probably talk to me if I reached out to her, but it isn't going to change anything. She lost feelings for me so I ended things and went NC. Other than a few half assed attempts at contact the first week (which I ignored), she hasn't tried to contact me for 8 months. Even if she did it would be breadcrumbs. In my mind she is out there having the time of her life and has completely forgotten about me. Doesn't matter, it isn't going to change anything. I know there is no hope, but instead of that making me forget about her and moving on, I just feel bad. My self confidence is at an all time low and I think the hit to my ego is the biggest problem. I read you really start misisng them around the 6 to 8 month of NC. When I was so sad during the 6th month and getting better at the 7th month mark, I thought I was turning a corner but now I am really depressed. I am shooting for that year mark in hopes it will change. Edited September 13, 2012 by Frank13
Author Mcnulty Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 I hear you mate, it's hard. What can we do? I guess, just let time take time. And protect ourselves. One tip, don't type in her first name into FB, I did that looking for someone else and she popped up...she's unblocked me. Also she contacted my mum, my mum told me this, so i told her not to disclose any interaction in the future. Theses little things get me thinking of her, but what can i do?
Renard99 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Unfortunately, you can't really say whether it will or won't get any easier after a year. Everyone works at their own pace. Some people heal in 6 months, others take much much longer. You've just got to let it happen at its own speed. My advice is to not look at 'milestones' of time, like 6, 12 or 18 months because it will only cause you to 'want' to meet those milestones and that could lead to disappointment.
TroyNJ Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 My wife left me 2 years ago and to be honest I'm not much better today. I cope better but still am sad every day. We were married for 16 years, I've lost faith in what I believed in all my life.
Sugarkane Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I think it does get better. Now I worry about other things instead. It's been even longer for me. Its just a blow to the ego reading people who have been contacted on here, when I haven't been contacted even once. 1
fallenheart Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 In my experience, no, it does not get easier after 1 year. Or six months. or two years. If anything, the longer it is just makes it worse.
The Aviator Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 Here I am 1.5 years after the breakup. Pretty much NC since day 1 too. I still think of her every single day even after 18 months. I think 2012 has been a heck of a lot easier for me than 2011 which was a pretty bad year. I've focused on myself and my career. I have thought a lot about her recently but i'm still going to continue NC (what good would it bring if I did break it?). I think the fact I've not met anyone else since her makes it a little bit harder for myself but an old guy said to me months ago 'there are more important things in life than a girlfriend!' which has sort of stuck in the back of my mind. It's not the be all and end all! Having a partner would be great but i've just not met anyone special yet that i've connected with. Just gotta keep on going and living life one day at a time 1
Frank13 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 In my experience, no, it does not get easier after 1 year. Or six months. or two years. If anything, the longer it is just makes it worse. I hear you. After 8 months of NC and not having her in my life, you would think I would just forget about her. Instead, it's like the more time goes by, the more I miss her; and the more I miss her, the more I think about her; and the more I think about her, the more those thoughts become a habit and part of my daily routine. How that hell can you be NC with someone for 8 months and still miss them so much?
youngnlove89 Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) To be honest, I said this many times on here because it is so true. "The pain doesn't go away, you just make room for it" I'm going through a break up right now. We finally ended things yesterday and it is entirely hard. And I know it will be hard for awhile. Before my current ex, I dated the man of my dreams (I thought he was) and when we broke up, I was devastated. I was in a dark place for a long time. I still think of him to this day every now and then, but I have moved on and accepted that we won't ever be. He is married now too. It took me two years to get over him and I still think I would take him back if he ever did come back. But you just get used to it. You learn to be happy without them and you will meet someone else. I met a new great guy, my current ex, I love him to death and I miss him dearly. Even though he is now an ex, I am glad that I was able to find love again. That is my glimmer of hope to you. I was able to heal enough to find love in someone else. You will find love again, you just have to allow it in. Don't be afraid to move on and let go. It will do you no harm, only good. You will keep going through relationships and heartbreaks until you finally meet the one. And when you meet them you will understand why all the others didn't work out. As for the pain you are feeling, I don't know if there is any way to really deal with it besides "dealing" with it in it's purest form. You just have to let it in and feel it for what it is. It is part of the process. Have you gone on any dates? Edited September 17, 2012 by youngnlove89 2
Mr Scorpio Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 I think it does get better. Now I worry about other things instead. It's been even longer for me. Its just a blow to the ego reading people who have been contacted on here, when I haven't been contacted even once. Be careful what you wish for. Getting contacted got me dumped a second time. Getting contacted after that gave me false hope and then more pain. Unless you've moved on, nothing good comes from getting contacted.
Renard99 Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 I think it does get better. Now I worry about other things instead. It's been even longer for me. Its just a blow to the ego reading people who have been contacted on here, when I haven't been contacted even once. I agree with Mr Scorpio... careful what you wish for. My ex contacted me after 10 months, poured her heart out to me saying that she'd missed me more than she thought she ever would and wanted to try again. This email from my ex sent my emotions into over-drive. She wanted to meet and talk about the break up, more to say sorry for putting me through hell, but also to see me again. She began to say all of the things that I wanted to hear, how she'd learnt the lessons that I had hoped she had and how she'd changed for the better. I thought I was on to winner............... Then, one day, after a couple of weeks of emails, texts and a couple of meet ups, she sent me a long email that basically said.... 'actually, on second thoughts, let's not get back together, I don't think it'll work'. I was a mess again. I had just begun to accept that she was gone, only for her rip through my life like a tornado and leave just as quickly. All because she contacted me, which was, ironically, what I wanted.........
Frank13 Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 I agree with Mr Scorpio... careful what you wish for. My ex contacted me after 10 months, poured her heart out to me saying that she'd missed me more than she thought she ever would and wanted to try again. This email from my ex sent my emotions into over-drive. She wanted to meet and talk about the break up, more to say sorry for putting me through hell, but also to see me again. She began to say all of the things that I wanted to hear, how she'd learnt the lessons that I had hoped she had and how she'd changed for the better. I thought I was on to winner............... Then, one day, after a couple of weeks of emails, texts and a couple of meet ups, she sent me a long email that basically said.... 'actually, on second thoughts, let's not get back together, I don't think it'll work'. I was a mess again. I had just begun to accept that she was gone, only for her rip through my life like a tornado and leave just as quickly. All because she contacted me, which was, ironically, what I wanted......... It's the "wanting what they can't have". They say with NC you should not break it unless they come back begging for a second chance. I tend to disagree with that for the exact thing that happened to you. If my ex did what you did I would tell her "no" because that is the only way she would ver want me, if she couldn't have me.
GreenPolicy Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Hi, it's been 11 months since she left. I'm still in love with her and still think about her often. Nc since day 1. Recently the thoughts of her have become more frequent, I'm dreaming about her a lot, thinking back to a year ago just prior to the break up, how I shut down from her. Are the mpore frequent thoughts because it's coming up to the year mark? Does it get easier after this mark, when if you think back a year ago, it was over and she wasn't in my life? Just wondering - many thanks for reading. For me I started to get better around the 1.5 year mark. And yeah, the more frequent thoughts are because the "anniversary," for lack of a better word, is approaching. Hang in there. I find that the bad feelings are like tides. They periodically return, but they are not as strong.
Sugarkane Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 My therapist suggested casually dating after quite some time being single. If you don't get burned again it is an ego boost.
okiedokie Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Keep in mind that healing is not a linear process but cyclical in that you may take many steps forward only to be followed by steps backwards at times. It's a normal part of healing.
NoMoreJerks Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 I think the fact I've not met anyone else since her makes it a little bit harder for myself but an old guy said to me months ago 'there are more important things in life than a girlfriend!' which has sort of stuck in the back of my mind. It's not the be all and end all! Having a partner would be great but i've just not met anyone special yet that i've connected with. Just gotta keep on going and living life one day at a time My parents and sister keep saying the same thing, but honestly, really? Do they really believe that? They are married, after all. What IS the be all and end all of life? Career? Sometimes I can't help but wonder what the hell we're all doing running around, busting our ***es at work. What is it all for, if not a good life with someone we care for/love, a family, etc? Do I have to work just as hard if I knew I would be single for the rest of my life? Probably not. I can just have an average life, going to work every day, coming home, watching a movie, basically being like a zombie. Why do I need to reach for the skies careeer-wise, if I can't even find someone to love me?
melenkurion Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 Recently the thoughts of her have become more frequent, I'm dreaming about her a lot, thinking back to a year ago just prior to the break up, how I shut down from her. Are the mpore frequent thoughts because it's coming up to the year mark? I'd say it's nigh on certain the more frequent thoughts are because of the one year mark. I found exactly the same thing myself. I don't dream that much, but as I recall I had a couple of dreams about him as the one year anniversary approached. After that, well, you have had an entire year of experiences and things are never as painful again as in that first year. The "this time last year" memories are being replaced with different stuff. My first post-breakup Christmas was awful, I was miserable. The Christmas after that, however, I really enjoyed.
Blastoplast Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 The best advice I can give is don't dwell on it. 6 months post break-up for me after a 7 year relationship and I feel like the cobwebs are finally gone. I hooked-up with this girl last night that I really really like. She's cute, funny and dorky awkward and it's smitten me, and it feels good. We almost went all the way, but I said no because I didn't want to go too fast too soon -- I just like her THAT much. And I'm not saying this to rub it in anybody's faces, but the first thing that has to happen for you to move on is learn to love yourself. I was SO down on myself and beating myself up over EVERY negative thing that happened to me this year. I feel like I was in an out-of-control downward spiral with no end in sight, but I finally got some closure from my EX this past weekend and it just made me feel like this huge weight was lifted off my chest. It's different for everybody, but just keep your chin up and great things can happen when you least suspect it.
Frank13 Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 (edited) And I'm not saying this to rub it in anybody's faces, but the first thing that has to happen for you to move on is learn to love yourself. I was SO down on myself and beating myself up over EVERY negative thing that happened to me this year. I feel like I was in an out-of-control downward spiral with no end in sight, but I finally got some closure from my EX this past weekend and it just made me feel like this huge weight was lifted off my chest. That's how I feel. You got some closure. I have been NC for 8 months and I don't see that changing. Don't think she can give me closure. Us ending was the closure. Edited September 19, 2012 by Frank13
WesternWoman Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 There may be some anniversary of the breakup nostalgia and some fond memories that are popping up, maybe the less than fond ones too. In my experience, grieving and letting go both work on funny timelines that are unique to the individual and to the situation. Likely you are now having some emotions from this loss coming up now that you are ready to face and work through them. Find some way and make space to process them. If you need to do some writing, go up into the hills and yell, sit down and pout or cry or watch sad movies, whatever. You are coming up to a point where you can work on finally closing the book on the relationship and facing that it is over for good. Loving someone was a truly great feeling in some ways, losing them hard too. You don't have to stop loving someone, you've built that into your memory already with stories. The key is to let go of being attached to that love so that you can move forward. Keep loving yourself and the rest will work itself out!
Author Mcnulty Posted September 19, 2012 Author Posted September 19, 2012 Thank you all so much. Some damned good advice/words on this thread, so thanks again. Find it v hard to love myself at the moment, my ongoing illness is hard mentally and I have PTSD. Cant even think about looking for a lady to distract/help me as i'm terrified and it wouldn't be fair on the other person with an op coming in 2 weeks and at least one more by the end of the year. Even then they still don't know if i'll get better, just got to deal with it i guess. Everyone heals at different speeds and reading the comments i realize I'm not alone, that helps. So many good people on this site, i wish you all happier days ahead.)
health Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 Rgeardless what people say - Time actually does not heal all wounds. You have to want to heal, and do the right things to actually heal. Even when you heal fully, triggers can bring you back. Alot of people jump into rebounds quick - which can mess them up even more. You have to face the pain. It does get better with time. The main thing, is just improving and becomming the best person you can possibly be.
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