Fed up of getting into short term relationships and getting heart ache

[Philipa]

Hello all,

 

I suffer from quite low self esteem and seem to have trouble sustaining relationships for more than a few months at a time. My last relationship was about 3 months long and we broke up about 3 months ago (I am still obsessing over him and the relationship, I was severely depressed for a few weeks as I had such high hopes for it working out) I wasn't particularly happy with the way things were going and felt he was losing interest so I took matters into my own hands and sent him a message explaining to him that my emotional needs were not being met. He agreed that he wasn't ready to 'be a boyfriend' even though he was so keen at the start and asked me to be his girlfriend fairly early on. He was obsessed with feeling 'settled' enough for a relationship - and came to the conclusion he was too self involved for one and so I let him go to focus on his work (he's a camera man on a very intensive course, and I started to have to fit round his film shoots)

 

The other ones all seem to be so keen at the start as well, and then the horrible feeling of knowing that they're doing the dissapearing act sets in. It's driving me crazy, and I keep wondering if I'm doing something wrong. It might be because I want a boyfriend so much, and that might come across :/

 

Anyway, the problem is I don't know if its my insecurities that drive them away or whether I am simply dating 'commitment phobe' men, or possibly both?

 

I don't know where this insecurity comes from, I have lots of friends and don't have trouble attracting the opposite sex. I'm not at all high maintenance and make sure to treat the guys I date well. (probably to my dissadvantage)...

 

I wonder if any of you have gone through this kind of situation/ feel something similar

[BecomingABetterMe]

My counselor told me something that really resonated with me: we tend to date those whose self esteem matches our own. A guy with low self esteem will not be a good boyfriend. So, take a step back, take some time to work on yourself, and try not to think about the next relationship. All of the energy that you put into caring for your boyfriends, put into caring for yourself. Go to counseling, exercise, spend lots time with your friends and family. Travel, spend time on your hobbies, find yourself. Only then will you start to become successful at relationships and able to attract good guys and discern for yourself who those guys are. It sucks being alone - I hate it every single day. But it is better to take six months to a year to become someone who is truly happy with herself than to continue going from relationship to miserable relationship. You can be whomever you want to be.