Author Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 I'm at work and all I want to do is breakdown? What the ****!! I'm not looking forward to this weekend at all. Why now? How do I get back to where I was? He's such an as*****, he treated me awful, he has MAJOR issues, he's a complete narcissist, no way in he** he actually loved me, ever, now that I am looking back on it. What is wrong with me? I want to not give a s*** about him anymore. I just want to move on, why am I back to these beginning feelings again? I know reaching out would do nothing. I don't even want that. I dont even know what I want anymore. **** this feeling. 1
Freshstart637 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Last week I took out some frustration at the shooting range in Cerritos? Want to go? You are pretty close. I'll bring the weapon and Ammo. Place is called Insight Shooting Range. Something to maybe look forward to on the weekend? I did not feel like going out either last week, but my bestfriend who is an FBI picked me up and took me. Felt great shooting at the target, pictured my ex the whole time. I'm feeling good today, knowing my ex and I are just not right, so many things I did not like, I hope my waves are done.
Author Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 @freshstart, how old are you if you don't mind me asking?
youngnlove89 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I'm hurting also guys. I will talk to you this weekend if you want! It's going to be a long weekend for me. I'll probably be on LS the whole time.
Freshstart637 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Everyone is hurting. I feel bad I think I'm starting to move along or am I fooling myself? Are you close by? Let me know if you need someone to talk to. I wake my family in the middle of night if I wake up from a dream about my ex. I feel so bad for my friends and family, ex was all I talked about.
Author Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 I'm 27. Do you have instragram? I don't want to blast my email on here but I have to accept people that request me on instagram, so that works. If you have it, find me? user: ashley_jean
Freshstart637 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Yes, damn that's the only account I forgot to delete my ex. I'll delete her pic really quick.
Author Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 14, 2012 Author Posted September 14, 2012 I had my friend block my ex on there for me.. I didn't want to see his page. I have pictures that go way back in my history on there of him giving me flowers or something and I refuse to go back that far, even to delete it. I can't look it right now or it'll set me off. Especially not at work... I deactivated Facebook for now. It gives me anxiety, even with him blocked. Wow, I used to super independant. Not sure how I let someone have this much control over me. I've stopped talking to my family about him because I just feel like they want to shoot themselves everytime I bring him up because a) they don't like him b) have heard me like a broken record repeat things over and over to them about him for almost four months. I still have the thoughts, I just keep them to myself, and put them on here now. Maybe that's why I feel like I've regressed lately...and my family thinks I'm doing so much better...
Freshstart637 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Lol, ditto on everything. I am keeping my thoughts to myself also. Tired of repeating myself with family, kind of feeling embarrassed. Their advice is also repeated making me feel bad when hearing it. I can look at her picture now and I remember all the things I hate about her. First few years, I was also independent, then when we bought the house, I decided to break the wall around my heart. Doing that made me needy, dependent, and too emotionally attached. All of my coworkers know that I didn't really love her, they reminded me and now I'm starting to have the early relationship feelings back. It's just when I'm in a relationship, I always try to make it work and know eventually I can adjust.adapt to the relationship. No more pedestals.
Author Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 Like your co-workers, my dad said something similar. He's said, you're not going to like what I'm going to say but, "you had a hand in the demise of the relationship, you weren't happy and you were subconsciously pushing him away because he wasn't right for you". The guy was abusive in every sense of the word!! Wth?! Hellooo, self? I just wasn't ready to completely lose him. I loved him for some sick and twisted, no good reason that's unknown to me and undeserving for him. I never totally trusted him anyways. I know better than this, that's what sucks the most. This emotional crap is happening even though I know, I KNOW, I deserve better. I have guy "friends" hitting me up right now to know avail and there is absolutely no hope there for them, they might as well be aliens for all I care to get involved with anyone. The thought of being with someone else just sounds like h*ll right now. I'm not ready. Not even close. It sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. ugh
Freshstart637 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Roller coaster again. Yesterday felt great and this morning miss her again. Geez, she did me wrong. You'd think our hearts would put up some defense mechanism or something. Hindsight - i know the feeling about not be reading.. All girls look like yuck except for my ex. Weird. Make this all better. Pls someone make a pill or something. What is hurting me the most is the way she left.
Keepittogether122 Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 FS, Sorry you are having a bad day today. I completely understand the feeling and was just thinking the same thing, need a pill to speed up the healing process! Very bad day for me today too. The day my wife moved out to live on her own. Thank God I was not there because I would have lost it. Hang in there... I haven't had one good day since this all started last week and today was the worst but everyone here on LS keeps saying it will get better. I look forward to that day.
ponette Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 I'm at work and all I want to do is breakdown? What the ****!! I'm not looking forward to this weekend at all. Why now? How do I get back to where I was? He's such an as*****, he treated me awful, he has MAJOR issues, he's a complete narcissist, no way in he** he actually loved me, ever, now that I am looking back on it. What is wrong with me? I want to not give a s*** about him anymore. I just want to move on, why am I back to these beginning feelings again? I know reaching out would do nothing. I don't even want that. I dont even know what I want anymore. **** this feeling. i'm right there with you today. one whole month that we haven't spoken after almost 5 years. i've been told to reach out and i've been told to keep silent. the pain comes in powerful waves. i feel so alone.
Keepittogether122 Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 If they are not reaching out to you, then I think reaching out to them would only cause you more pain. I am right in the throws of pain myself because I am unable to go NC due to kids. She moved out of the house this weekend so it's all fresh for me but if we were able to go NC for more than a month, then I would think staying NC would be best.
NavyAirTraffic Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Last night I had my first ever dream about her. I woke up from the dream around 4am this morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. She saturated my mind, no matter what I tried, I couldn't get her out of my head. The dream was weird, she was having a hard time deciding between me and the other guy. We all were there and she kept saying "I can't make up my mind, this is so hard". Now she is just lingering in my mind, I've been up for 5 hours now and I can't seem to kick her. It doesn't help that work is slow and I've got a lot of dead time. No way I'd ever consider contacting her, she has someone else and I have to live with that. Just wanted to get my rant out I guess. The hardest part for me is she always said I'm amazing, even the last day. Her last text to me included amongst other things "I have to delete your number because I'll only try to come back to you". I don't know. Today is a weak day for me, I'm focusing on the fact that this process has highs and lows. When I get too high I expect to come down a bit. Guess I'll just have to wait until this lull is over. I'm going to practice and really focus on her negatives for a while and see if that help. Thanks LS for letting me rant!!
Tree_Salmon Posted October 24, 2012 Posted October 24, 2012 Last night I had my first ever dream about her. I woke up from the dream around 4am this morning and I couldn't go back to sleep. She saturated my mind, no matter what I tried, I couldn't get her out of my head. The dream was weird, she was having a hard time deciding between me and the other guy. We all were there and she kept saying "I can't make up my mind, this is so hard". Now she is just lingering in my mind, I've been up for 5 hours now and I can't seem to kick her. It doesn't help that work is slow and I've got a lot of dead time. No way I'd ever consider contacting her, she has someone else and I have to live with that. Just wanted to get my rant out I guess. The hardest part for me is she always said I'm amazing, even the last day. Her last text to me included amongst other things "I have to delete your number because I'll only try to come back to you". I don't know. Today is a weak day for me, I'm focusing on the fact that this process has highs and lows. When I get too high I expect to come down a bit. Guess I'll just have to wait until this lull is over. I'm going to practice and really focus on her negatives for a while and see if that help. Thanks LS for letting me rant!! Dreams do a number on me sometimes. Depending on how realistic they are. The one thing I will say is that eventually they will no longer be in your dreams.
sendme Posted October 25, 2012 Posted October 25, 2012 I haven't had a dream about him, but today on my way home from my run I saw him... through his window... I have to go by his house to get anywhere and I saw him on my way back from my run.... it literally stopped me in my tracks... I wanted to knock on his door so badly... the only thing that stopped me was the fact that I just ran 8 miles and looked like ****... Sitting at my kitchen table now... just picturing the outline of his shoulders... I really love him... more than I ever knew.... I don't know how he does it... how he's not here at my door... that's a lie I know exactly how he's doing it, he's on top of and inside of every girl who looks at him... I'm really tempted to break NC, but I have exams coming up this week... I don't know if I can open that can of worms... Man I was doing so well until I saw him... had a great counseling session this week... just doing so so well!
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