Marek Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I'm 28 years old and haven't had a girlfriend since I was 21. You see, after college I lost most of my social circle and therefore became a hermit. I'm still a recluse to this day. However, despite my hermit status, I still have that primal urge everyone has -- the urge to find a mate. I've tried online dating and had only 3 one-off dates from it. The girls didn't want anything more to do with me after the first date. I've tried social activities (book club and tennis club) but haven't had any luck in gaining friendships. It seems everyone around my age already has a well-established social circle and it's hard for outsiders to penetrate it. So, how does a friendless person like me find girls to date? It's so frustrating because I have these strong urges -- as everyone does -- but they can't be fulfilled. I'm not looking for a model-type girl; I'm just looking for a cute girl with a good heart. It wouldn't even matter if she has a few extra pounds on her. So, any ideas on how to go about dating when you don't have a social circle? And yes, I've given up on Internet dating.
jobaba Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I'm 28 years old and haven't had a girlfriend since I was 21. You see, after college I lost most of my social circle and therefore became a hermit. I'm still a recluse to this day. However, despite my hermit status, I still have that primal urge everyone has -- the urge to find a mate. I've tried online dating and had only 3 one-off dates from it. The girls didn't want anything more to do with me after the first date. I've tried social activities (book club and tennis club) but haven't had any luck in gaining friendships. It seems everyone around my age already has a well-established social circle and it's hard for outsiders to penetrate it. So, how does a friendless person like me find girls to date? It's so frustrating because I have these strong urges -- as everyone does -- but they can't be fulfilled. I'm not looking for a model-type girl; I'm just looking for a cute girl with a good heart. It wouldn't even matter if she has a few extra pounds on her. So, any ideas on how to go about dating when you don't have a social circle? And yes, I've given up on Internet dating. Depends how attractive you are. Needing social circles to find people to date and enter relationships with is only for ugly people who can't attract someone on the train to work. SEMI-kidding. Seriously though, if you are a decent looking guy, you could find someone from the bar scene or online. If not, then social circles are your best bet. Try meetup groups. One of my friends met a ton of people from meetup groups and some of them are potentials for him.
Pyro Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I'm 28 years old and haven't had a girlfriend since I was 21. You see, after college I lost most of my social circle and therefore became a hermit. I'm still a recluse to this day. However, despite my hermit status, I still have that primal urge everyone has -- the urge to find a mate. I've tried online dating and had only 3 one-off dates from it. The girls didn't want anything more to do with me after the first date. I've tried social activities (book club and tennis club) but haven't had any luck in gaining friendships. It seems everyone around my age already has a well-established social circle and it's hard for outsiders to penetrate it. So, how does a friendless person like me find girls to date? It's so frustrating because I have these strong urges -- as everyone does -- but they can't be fulfilled. I'm not looking for a model-type girl; I'm just looking for a cute girl with a good heart. It wouldn't even matter if she has a few extra pounds on her. So, any ideas on how to go about dating when you don't have a social circle? And yes, I've given up on Internet dating. The more opportunities you have the better the chance you have, so you are going to have to put yourself out there more. Two social activities for someone without a core group of friends is not enough. You need to try more activities and the meetup groups are a good idea as well. In other words, cut back on being a hermit. 2
Author Marek Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Depends how attractive you are. Needing social circles to find people to date and enter relationships with is only for ugly people who can't attract someone on the train to work. SEMI-kidding. Seriously though, if you are a decent looking guy, you could find someone from the bar scene or online. If not, then social circles are your best bet. Try meetup groups. One of my friends met a ton of people from meetup groups and some of them are potentials for him. I'm not that attractive. I'm 6'2" and 210 lbs but still rather homely looking. Meetup groups? Never heard of it.
Pyro Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I'm not that attractive. I'm 6'2" and 210 lbs but still rather homely looking. Meetup groups? Never heard of it. Google it and find some in your local area.
Author Marek Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 The more opportunities you have the better the chance you have, so you are going to have to put yourself out there more. Two social activities for someone without a core group of friends is not enough. You need to try more activities and the meetup groups are a good idea as well. In other words, cut back on being a hermit. The other things I enjoy are primarily solo activities -- no clubs for these things. I thought about taking a Spanish class, though. That would be another potential way to meet others. But seriously, don't people my age already have a solid social network? And isn't it excruciatingly hard to enter their "inner circle"? (At least that's what I've found.)
Author Marek Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Google it and find some in your local area. Yes, but I have a feeling less attractive people don't have as good of an opportunity to meet others compared to their good-looking counterparts. Being unattractive equates to a lonely existence.
Pyro Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 The other things I enjoy are primarily solo activities -- no clubs for these things. I thought about taking a Spanish class, though. That would be another potential way to meet others. But seriously, don't people my age already have a solid social network? And isn't it excruciatingly hard to enter their "inner circle"? (At least that's what I've found.) Classes are a great idea. Many people do and many do not, plus if you are pleasant to be around someone may be willing to let you in their circle. Yes, but I have a feeling less attractive people don't have as good of an opportunity to meet others compared to their good-looking counterparts. Being unattractive equates to a lonely existence. not necessarily. Many people of all looks suffer from some form of social anxiety or just may be shy and are in the same boat as you. 1
GravityMan Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 It is going to be tough for you, OP. Most people around your age already have well-established social circles and aren't that interested in expanding them. They may meet you and like you, but it's unlikely you'll ever be more than an outer acquaintance to them. Real friendships take time and usually start while people are young. Also, 45-55% of people around your age are married and have already settled down. With that said, I still believe that you need to fix the social circle issue first. Meetups, etc are worth trying...but even then, keep your expectations low or zero. Many people attending such groups and events are of a transient nature. Even if you do find a woman to date...there is a very good chance that once she finds out that you don't have friends, she will bail...and understandably so. Personally, I would be hesitant to get involved with a woman who didn't have a decent social circle.
truth_seeker Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Personally, I would be hesitant to get involved with a woman who didn't have a decent social circle. I agree. If she is friends with sketchy girls, more than likely she is sketchy herself.
KatZee Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Personally, I would be hesitant to get involved with a woman who didn't have a decent social circle. Why? Is something WRONG with someone who doesn't have such a large group of friends? I'm one of these girls and that's pretty horrible to know that I'm being judged by something that's kind of out of a lot of a person's control. I had my group of friends when I was younger, and I was ripped from that at 15 and moved to a new town. I did have a group of friends from that town, but was only there about 2-3 years and then was off to college 7 hours away. I lived 7 hours away for the next 4 years. I made friends in THAT area, but once I graduated, I went and moved out of state for grad school for the next two years. By the time I came home, all of my high school friends and I had drifted. I was no longer near my college friends, and no where near my out of state friends. I then moved AGAIN to a new neighborhood and this is where I'm at now. It sucks. I don't have a "decent group" of friends. I was dating this one guy for the past 3 years, and I had made friends with that group, but once I was dumped it was like I was a piece of sh*t and I was iced out. I'm 28 and it's HARD. Everyone I know is engaged or married. Raising kids. Planning weddings. It really sucks. But I don't think this is something someone should be judged for. 1
suladas Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Recently being single i'm having the same issues. I have quite a few "friends" but I don't hang out with them often, nor do I have any interest in any of the girls or friends of friends so it's completely tapped out. And i'm pretty much outgrowing them because they are big on partying and I want someone who is past that and wants to be more settled down. I joined eharmony a few weeks ago, not really impressed but figure might as well try it. I'm going to join the gym again, kill some time, and know it will make me feel better about myself, and a tiny chance of meeting someone there. The way I see it though, you could meet someone anywhere, grocery store, whatever so just always trying to look your best and be open to striking up a conversation because you don't know what could happen.
GirlontheLam Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 So I might be an anomoly. But I am always looking to fill in my social circle. I have a few requirements, and always looking for people to fufill certain roles. I tend to meet a lot of people. And, if I have the time, I even work towards integrating them into my circle. I have a few other friends like this as well. I hope you run into someone like me. What I do find, is, as you get older, you gotta put a lot more work into building a friendship from a brief encounter. This is my main problem. I'll meet someone cool, and then get sidetracked with my normal circle and forget all about them. Meeting new people: 1. meetup groups 2. sports leagues 3. wine tastings/other food tasint events 4. dishcrawls (look and see if they are in your area) 5. community college classes 6. community meetings (are you civic minded? Go to a city council meeting) 7. volunteering And as for actually making the friend: 1. get their contact info in as many mediums as possible: phone, email, twitter, facebook 2. follow up with them right away to say "good meeting you" and invite them out for an outing within the next 2 weeks 3. go on your outing, and schedule the next one! 4. Try for the "last minute" happy hour/dinner/movie etc if you are feeling bored or there is a deal. You'd be surprised. If you are proactive about scheduling an outing fairly soon after meeting, the odds are good you can actually build some sort of relationship/friendship. The longer you wait the harder it is. I've made friends with people I have met in coffee shops, at festivals, and even in line at the store. It is definitely possible to build a social circle from scratch.
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