Boyfriend and (possible) EA with coworker?

[angelfire138]

Hi all!

 

I posted a thread similar to this earlier this year, but have since gotten some more information regarding my situation. I learned the concept of an EA awhile ago, but am struggling to see if this fits my situation. It's a little long as I'll try and tell the whole story the best I can, so thanks in advance for reading through the whole thing!

 

I've been dating my boyfriend for about 1 year and 3 months now. Things have been great...few bumps here and there but we've managed to work through them. He's a good man, a caring and fun boyfriend and a doting dad (he has a son from a previous marriage, and a relatively civil relationship with his ex-wife). I'm his first serious girlfriend since his divorce 4 years ago.

 

He has been working closely with the same female co-worker for about 4 years now, and they work at their full-time, and also a part-time job together. She got him the part-time job years ago because he wanted to make some money on the side so he could support his son and divorce costs, at the time. They work in the same department, and share a lot of responsibilities. Since he was single at the time she began working with him, and he thought she was attractive, he flirted with her a little bit and admitted that he liked her for a little while initially...but as he got to know her, he realized she wasn't his type and he said he was no longer attracted to her, since years ago. She is now married to another man and they have a daughter together.

 

So over the four years they were working together, they got to be good friends. He told me that throughout that time, people had thought they were dating and that she was also having an affair with another guy that used to work closely with the two of them (but has since left the company. She was very close to him, as well). I also found out that he had an ex-girlfriend who disliked how close they were, and his sister doesn't trust the female coworker, as well. All of this made me a little uneasy, but since he knew her before he met me, I let it slide for awhile.

 

About her: She's about 10 years younger than him, very loud and obnoxious, was rude to me from the day she first met me (I later on found out it was because I walked with a patient in front of her and she was complaining to my supervisor, who she is also friends with). She's even insulted me in front of my supervisor once. She is married but continues to openly flirt with other males in the office (have seen it and heard many stories about it). My boyfriend tells me that her husband has had a problem with her flirting and texting other men before, but she continues to do it. She tells my boyfriend about all the problems she has with her husband.

 

Fast forward to when he met me last year. Even though I knew there was nothing going on between them, there was still something off about his relationship with her. He never goes out with her alone, and when he does, it's always with a group of other co-workers. He also has lunch with her and the same group of about 4-5 other coworkers everyday. He only goes out with his coworkers maybe once every 2 months on average. He used to give her a ride to/from work along with his sister (he stopped doing this months ago as they work different shifts), and he told me that they used to text all the time outside of work. He admitted that he began doing that when he was single, because he was lonely and wanted somebody to talk to.

 

His contact with her had gradually lessened the longer we were together, yet she would still call and text him at all hours...sometimes in the morning, sometimes the afternoon, and on several occasions, past midnight. Sometimes, while we were on vacation together. Sometimes they would text back and forth for up to 20 minutes at a time. I disliked it, but never said anything, thinking that maybe I was overreacting.

 

The last straw came for me when she sent him 9 texts in a row at 2AM on a Sunday morning, about 5 or 6 months ago. I sat him down and had a long talk with him, and he agreed immediately to stop texting her or take her calls. He said he didn't realize it bothered me. He did as he said...the texts and calls lessened some more, and then stopped completely a few months ago. He told me she confronted him at work, saying she noticed he stopped responding to her texts and taking her calls, and that he's been acting colder toward her at work. He told her that he had a girlfriend now, and that she has a husband, and that he didn't think it was right for her to keep communicating with him in that manner. She apparently went ballistic, insulted me and our relationship together, saying I was controlling him, that he's "pu**y whipped", and that she should be allowed to have male friends, that her husband doesn't mind (we also think her husband doesn't know the extent of her flirting / texting / calling other guys), that she didn't understand what my problem was, why he was listening to me, if he had to do everything I told him. I was also annoyed that she called him her "work husband" in the past, as I find it disrespectful to the actual partner (I know that opinions differ on this. This is just how I feel about it).

 

He also confided in me that she was extremely upset when the other male co-worker that she was close to, left the office a few years ago, and she still harbors some anger / resentment that he quit. Her reaction surprised me, as it seemed more like that of a jealous girlfriend. He said that since then, they don't talk as much as they used to.

 

My boyfriend wants to quit both his full-time and part-time job in favor of something better, by next year. He also let it slip last week that he would miss her when he left and that he wasn't sure how she'd react when he decides to leave the company. He insisted that it was just because he worked with her the most. That set something off in me and was the first sign that it may have been an EA between the two of them, as I began to put past events together. He also admitted that he missed it initially when their contact outside of work stopped. I immediately asked him to lessen his contact with her even more, at work. He agreed and promised he would talk to her even less at work.

 

She appears to have moved on to a new guy who started working there a few months ago (I have all my old co-workers on facebook and I see her posting on his page all the time).

 

Just for the record, I have no issue with my boyfriend's ex-wife (who he sees and talks to on a regular basis in regards to his son), his ex-girlfriend (who he also met at work 2 years ago, and still works there. She has a new boyfriend now), or any of the other women he works with. It's just this particular one I just can't shake this uneasy feeling about. The fact that his sister and his ex-girlfriend didn't trust her either also has me concerned.

 

Now, my question is, was that considered an EA even though he had a close relationship with her before he met me? And how much could I realistically ask him to limit his contact with her? He still has to work with her and share responsibilities, and they both have the same co-worker friends at work, and all have lunch together. When they go on outings, they are usually both invited (albeit they go with other co-workers, again). SOs and spouses are never invited to these outings (his company is not very family-friendly. My boyfriend needed to take a half day once to watch his son, and his supervisor just told him to find another babysitter). I do admit that I feel excluded from these events, but I let it be since they don't happen often, and my boyfriend may not be with this company much longer, anyway. I don't want to ask him to stop going to co-worker only events where she will be present, or stop having lunch with her, because he may end up alienating his other co-workers as well.

 

Or should I just leave it be until he gets his new job? He's assured me that he's definitely not going to let himself get close to female co-workers at his new job(s), since he has me to talk to now and won't need to grow close to other females.

 

Tried to keep this as clear as I could, but I'd be happy to clarify anything. Thanks again for reading and for your advice =)

Edited September 13, 2012 by angelfire138

[kae]

ok im gonna keep it simple: men respond to actions and distance more than words. To be effective, turn the tables and become close to someone too.. or pull away emotionally instead of complaining.

You are still deciding if he`s worth it.. make him remember your not a permenant fixture. you can leave...let him know..

 

But honey.. he will never consider her a real realtionship material so its a not high level threat.. but she`s not his girlfreind...there is only one girl-friend allowed and thats the Girlfriend|! Maybe you can say that?!

 

Reality is this will always be a problem in the workforce ..

[BetrayedH]

The fact of the matter is that he is WAY beyond what would be considered to be an appropriate boundary. Most people are pretty naive about how dangerous this can be.

 

If you want to set an appropriate boundary/expectation for him in regards to contact with women (especially women in the workplace), it's that they have no conversations of their personal lives, especially about their romantic life. No text messages at any hour unless they are work related. It's that simple.

 

It's good that he wants to be sensitive to your concerns and has taken (and promised additional) steps to secure your relationship.

 

If you want expert advice on this, get the book, Not Just Friends, and you both commit to reading it. In my view, it should be required reading for anyone that applies for a marriage certificate. Get started early.

 

As for controlling him, you can't. If he wants to cheat, he will and he will get away with it. Get the book and see if you can't influence his personal beliefs and that will last much longer than any demands you try to place on him.

 

Good luck and seriously, get the book.

Edited September 24, 2012 by BetrayedH