decided against meeting up. sent her this and changed my number

September 13, 2012

So anyone who is familiar with my story will know my ex is in town and asked if we could meet up while she is here to exchange something she told me she would send back months ago.

I was struggling with wanting to see her, I have thought long and hard and thought i would regret it if I don't but i realise that i wont get answers, won't feel better and It won't change a thing. whatever she says i wont know if its the truth and as i read somewhere, nothing is as it seems, two people don't see the relationship the same way ever so we will never know. so basically i have just called my mobile phone company and changed my number and a friend let me send this message to her from facebook so I don't have to unblock her and then he blocked her so she wont be able to write back. I have blocked the friends she is staying with now so there is no way to get in touch. I am laying low until she has left again and hopefully by next time she returns if she does and if i do bump into her i will be at a place where I don't care. Anyway this is what I sent.

****

I'm just sending you this message to say I don't think it's a good idea that I see you while you are here. I think it can do no good whatsoever. We both will never know what the other was thinking and just have to take that we met, got into a relationship for whatever reason and it didn't work.

I hold no grudge or wish you no bad feelings because of how it ended. I think we both truly know what happened and knew that we wouldn't last. I knew getting into the relationship that you weren't fully over **** and it started out as a rebound, you weren't happy and I think you knew that you would leave and that the talk of a future ect wasn't what you wanted although you maybe tried to convince yourself it was, I mean why would we have stayed together and gone through the things we did if it wasn't serious? Right from the beggining you didn't seem happy a lot of the time and you say this is to do with being in england but it can't have just been that. Now this sounds like im blaming you for everything and that isn't the case. I knew in my mind what was going on i think and i too could have walked away but for whatever reason we ended up staying together for 7 months.

At times i just wanted to make you happy, I was trying everything, I was trying all I could think of to see if it would turn into the relationship I wanted. I was willing to compromise and move to the country and i really did care for you. I blamed myself at times for you being unhappy and thought it was me and this made me unhappy. I was asking myself why if she is unhappy, breaking up with me, storming off and everything i do annoys her then why does she keep saying she loves me and trying to make it work? This is when i started to feel like a stand in until you left, talking about a future i knew would never happen. there were times when i knew you didn't love me but i'm not saying you didn't care but as for love I don't think that was the case. we would argue and things would get said and done that people who loved each other wouldn't say. I told myself it was just acting out and part of your personality which i was learning to accept but in truth it was probably just that you weren't happy and it wasn't a good relationship for you to be in.

When you left I had a feeling it would be for good and as soon as you settled in we would split up, I mean there was a lot of talk of you realising how much you loved me when you got there and how I thought you would forget me but it made you want to be together more but within 2 weeks we had split up and within a couple more you had a new boyfriend and that certainly wasn't love at all or it wouldn't have ended so quick and you being able to move on so quick. I think you had processed your relationship with ****, got over it and then it was time to move on. hopefully now you have gone through everything and realised that there were other things making you unhappy you are in a good place for the relationship you are in now and it will be a long and happy one with no arguing, splitting up and getting back together and you both just have a great relationship.

I'm sorry if this looks like im laying blame on you and making out i was treat badly because I don't think we were both always unhappy, at times i felt loved and loved being with you, in fact this was most of the time. I'd never felt so secure in a relationship which is strange considering the things we went through.

I would have happy in the relationship if you were but i could sense it wasn't the case, I'm not saying im the easiest person to be with or the nicest but we probably would have had a great relationship had we both been in the same place, ready for one and wanting similar things from life. I think in a lot of ways we were similar and had similar views on things, we both were stubborn and had high opinions of ourself haha. I was in a place where if i met the right person then i wanted to spend my life with that person and for a moment i thought it maybe could be you. obviously I have my issues i need to work out but it's getting there and with support of the right person i knew i was in a position to give someone everything they ever wanted.

You or I will never know what the other was thinking or how the other saw the relationship and this is just my take on things, you probably don't want to admit it because it may make you think you did something wrong or makes you feel guilty but it shouldn't. it's perfectly normal that these things happen and i truly believe you wanted it to work and did care for me. You had said if you stayed in england you wouldn't have broken up with me and that the only reason was you went to italy but we both know this isn't the case. you would have been miserable here in the relationship with me and even if i had flew out there with you for a better life I still wasn't the one for you and wouldn't have made you happy.

I just want to end this by saying we both obviously made mistakes, but we did both try and I wish you well. I really hope you have found a great guy and have a healthy relationship and you travel to all the places you want to before you find somewhere you want to call home and are happy in. I didn't stop caring but i blamed myself for it not working and asked why i couldnt make it work, it took a long time to see why and understand.

I had to send a message rather than speak to you because the last time we spoke it did almost feel like nothing had happened at times and almost felt like you or I still had some feelings. I am going to change my number now and let you leave. we never have to see or speak again but I don't want anything bad between us. I will pick up my watch from *** sometime after you leave.

Take care of yourself and do whatever makes you happy in life wherever that may be. Don't settle for anything less than you want. I think you leaving was a way of finally letting go. I am fine **** and you didn't have to check on me when you returned, I understand why you wanted to and thank you for not wanting me to be unhappy and miserable but we both seem to have done ok. you have the life you always wanted and maybe tomorrow, next month or in five years i'll find that person for me too.

Goodbye ***

Danny

September 13, 2012

Oh Danny. That was long. I know you had a lot to get off your chest...but wow.

Anyway, I'm sorry you're going through this. We've all been there, and more than once. It hurts. It's wise that you're going to force yourself to move on, until it eventually gets easier...and it will. Promise. Why did you change your number just for her though? I would have either blocked her so she couldn't call or txt...or would have ignored any calls or txt's. I wouldn't even read or listen to them...just delete.

September 13, 2012

I know it was long sorry, I hadn't spoken to her since we split up really until the other day and didn't get anything off my chest then. this was like my final realization of how things happened and my way of closing the chapter.

The reason I changed my number is im unsure how to just block one number and her friends have it too, she said she would call from her friends phone while here but if i don't get a message or a call i can't cave in and read it or pick up the phone. I have given my number to a very select number of close friends until she leaves the country and nobody who knows her, if they do they are under strict instructions to say they don't have it if she asks for it which i doubt she will. I think after me confronting her the other day she wouldn't have got in touch anyway but this was just my way to make sure.

September 13, 2012

Can I ask what happened? Why did you guys break up?

September 13, 2012

we argued a lot, she was very controlling and would storm off, threaten to break up and sometimes do it and then come back. I did love her and thought she would settle down and change, she said she had temper issues and never meant it and didnt know why she acted that way, I guess we were just different but we were going to stay together for the summer while she had a job abroad, i always knew she planned to travel, she said she had put off travelling because of her ex and I said i'd never ask her to do that and never did so obviously always expected her to go. she was there for around a week and i wasn't keeping in touch as much, kind of acting out really because I was angry she had left, i wanted her to stay but only if she wanted to. she had cried before she left and also when she got there saying she didn't know if she wanted to just come home and it wasnt what she thought.

anyway about a week in i send her over a package she asked for, a few things she had forgotten plus some home comforts, she wasnt very greatful and then she said somethings about realizing that when she gets back she wont have a job, a home, or anything and i basically said well yeah thats what happens when you leave ect and you should have thought about that before you went. she said i would have to provide for her when she got back until she got a job and would need to find a place for us to live and I hit the roof, I was thinking " you go travelling, i stay here and sort out everything for when you return" no f***ing way and we didnt speak for around 5 days.

when she got in touch she said i think we should split up ect as we aren't getting along, i explained what i thought and we started the split, we were in contact a few times after and then a few weeks later i see a profile pic of her with a new guy, I send her a message wishing her luck for the future and i block her and don't speak to her again, until she got in touch. I didn't think she had my number as she had a new italian phone when she got in touch. I was very civil the first time she got in touch and ended the conversation dead, two weeks later she contacted me again telling me she would be back, asking if she could meet to give me my watch. I called her as we hadnt really spoken and she said somethings about how she had never broken up with someone for no reason before, how she wouldnt have done it if she stayed and asked a few personal questions such as have you been dating? mentioned a few things she used to ask about which made her jealous when we were together but insisted she was happy now.

I text her afterwards saying it was nice to talk to you but it doesnt change that i don't think it would be a good idea to see each other, as the phone call seemed to familiar, it raised a few feelings (she said it did for her also) and i made a joke about the phone call costing a lot of money. she replied with " I used to cost you more money than that" then she made a comment about us having a great sex life and a great connection she will never forget and mentioned something about the ****

I take her stuff to her friends who i know also because im still unsure if i will meet her although now i have a few raised feelings and im thinking maybe she does have some feelings ect. I am told when i take her things to her friends that she is coming home with her new italian boyfriend and will be going back with him two weeks later.

she arrived on tuesday this week and i havent heard from her since and now i don't want to. that brings us up to date, sorry for the REALLY REALLY long reply but i've had a few sleepless nights this last week over it and haven't been eating so it's good to let it out even if it is via the net.

thanks for reading

September 13, 2012

hmm i can see why you would want to send that but seems a bit pointless in my opinion being as you refuse to allow her to reply. its like you are not truely handling it, almost pretending it hasnt happened to you..

if it was me, i would have met her. spoke in person. i did and it helped. but then she did mention she has feelings for me still, then moved away again so i guess in hind sight maybe wasnt the best move.. who... knows..

but yeah if you have closed that chapter now, then hats off to you.

September 13, 2012

OMG...I'm going to tear into you for a minute...and please don't hate me.

First off, when someone needs to travel or do something, no matter how much you love them...you've got to let them go. You let them do what they need to do and support them. That's what love is. You don't get angry because she's leaving you to explore and gain new experiences to grow and get to know herself. That's what life is supposed to be. Full of amazing opportunities. You take those opportunities when presented to you. Why did you punish her and get angry??? That was wrong. That's not real love. I know you'd miss her, but that was selfish of you.

Now. As for the fighting. It sounds like there was a constant power struggle on both parts. A constant need to control the other, it wasn't just her fault and her temper. A lot of passive agressiveness from both of you. Even down to the "I don't want to see you, I'm changing my number." You did that to hurt her and to get at her, not becuase you never want to see her again. You want to break her down and let her think you're serious. I could be wrong, but that's what it seems like to me...a little bit of manipulation.

I just wish you two could just talk without an agenda or any drama. Support each other...be there for each other. When couples fight, it's usually an indication of a constant power struggle.

September 13, 2012

I just wish you two could just talk without an agenda or any drama. Support each other...be there for each other. When couples fight, it's usually an indication of a constant power struggle.

the point is he isnt a couple with her now. he can do what he wants

September 13, 2012

OMG...I'm going to tear into you for a minute...and please don't hate me.

First off, when someone needs to travel or do something, no matter how much you love them...you've got to let them go. You let them do what they need to do and support them. That's what love is. You don't get angry because she's leaving you to explore and gain new experiences to grow and get to know herself. That's what life is supposed to be. Full of amazing opportunities. You take those opportunities when presented to you. Why did you punish her and get angry??? That was wrong. That's not real love. I know you'd miss her, but that was selfish of you.

Now. As for the fighting. It sounds like there was a constant power struggle on both parts. A constant need to control the other, it wasn't just her fault and her temper. A lot of passive agressiveness from both of you. Even down to the "I don't want to see you, I'm changing my number." You did that to hurt her and to get at her, not becuase you never want to see her again. You want to break her down and let her think you're serious. I could be wrong, but that's what it seems like to me...a little bit of manipulation.

I just wish you two could just talk without an agenda or any drama. Support each other...be there for each other. When couples fight, it's usually an indication of a constant power struggle.

e

*Sigh*... I wish people would read....

Most of the above is completely irrelevant....

September 13, 2012

Ahhh *sigh*@ Tara Maiden. I was reading what he wrote after the original post. I'm well aware of what he was saying.

September 13, 2012

Sorry... it just didn't sound like it.... ok, thanks....

September 13, 2012

Firstly you are right, couples should support each other and that is exactly what i did, i helped her plan her flight. i helped her pack, i booked her hotel for when she arrived . I bought her travel books, I never once asked her not to go althought she said she would stay for me if i wanted her too. I knew she had to leave although I wasn't happy.

I sent her things she needed while she was there, when she broke down and cried the evening she was leaving and said she didn't want to leave me and she wasnt sure if it was what she wanted i held her, and told her she had worked so hard for this, 7 days a week for a month to save the money that she had to go, if she didnt like it i would be here when she came back, I'd even fly out there and bring her home if it wasn't what she wanted. she broke down when she got there and said it was overwhelming and that she wanted to come home, i comforted her and said after a good nights rest she would feel better.

I wasn't happy she had gone, and maybe i could have done more, I didn't try to make her feel bad for leaving but i just felt abandonned also.

You're right there was a power struggle in the relationship totally get that and I didnt blame it all on her. I admit i had my faults but i also never faked a future, I do take the blame that I kind of understood that maybe it wasn't for real and I could have walked away but i didn't. I believe i was a decent person in the relationship but by no means think I did nothing wrong.

September 13, 2012

wow Danny. I gotta admit reading that made me respect you and it kind of makes me a lil sad. You showed you had the strength to do what's best for yourself and to follow through on that action.

Your way of thinking is very logical and looks impartial to me. I can only hope you continue to heal and find your soul mate in the near-future. good luck and stay strong!

September 13, 2012

Just because couples fight...or there are times they clash, doesn't mean that either one is necessarily wrong. I know you supported her with her trip on the outside, but you were actually resenting the trip. You were passive agressive. On one hand...supportive with the planning...then resentful when (refer to the below).

"she said i would have to provide for her when she got back until she got a job and would need to find a place for us to live and I hit the roof, I was thinking " you go travelling, i stay here and sort out everything for when you return" no f***ing way and we didnt speak for around 5 days."

She sensed this. How could you not?

I'm not blaming you...I just think there was lack of communication (on both parts), which caused the fighting, which caused the power struggle, which eventually led to the breakup. If you feel cutting her off the way you did is the only way you're going to get over her...then it's for the best. This relationship sounds like it was very draining for both of you. One day you're going to meet someone where there won't be this many ups and downs and power control. It will be easy and a no brainer. Those are the best relationships.

September 13, 2012

Like i say im not blaming 100% of this on her, we had similar ways of behaving which did result in a lot of arguing but I never broke up with her each week, I never put her down or purposely made her feel like ****. I didn't guilt trip her into doing things for me like saying if you loved me you would do this ect ect. I literally paid for everything this girl wanted, and her words were "you can afford it, you make 5 times what i earn"

I'm was angry at the end of the break up and how fast she seemed to move on but even then I didn't say anything nasty to her. i wished her well and let her go. I did NOT ask for her to come back into my life when i was starting to put myself back together or so i thought. all i asked at the end of the relationship was the one thing that belonged to me and was special to me was returned so i could move on and it wouldnt come back and bring feelings back into it a month or so down the line, she failed to do this and this was the reason for geting back in touch, the first time just over two weeks ago she said she would send it and i cut the conversation short but was polite and expected it back. I was mad that it had taken her 2 months to do it. then two weeks later she gets in touch to say she is in town and wants to see me!!! wtf. I had given her no reason to feel guilty and everything she needed to move on with a clear mind.

Also she had no right to say the things she did on the phone, saying she didnt have a reason to break up, asking if i was dating, saying we would still be together if she had stayed and then after to say we had the best sex life that she would never forget and other personal things about it for me then to find out she was coming home with her boyfriend. now there is so much wrong with this, firstly you don't say stuff like that to an ex incase they aren't over you its wrong! secondly she has just now gone even further down in my opinion by telling me how good i was in bed while she has a boyfriend. what was she saying to her previous ex when we were together?

I have never caused her any trouble with her new boyfriend, i haven't asked anything about him, when they got together, if they are serious and because this is none of my business. sure i wonder but i would never ask or cross into that lane and if i had moved on and was happy with someone else i would have done as the other person asked and certainly wouldnt be on the phone and texting about how good our sex life was and how i will never forget the connection we both had.

September 13, 2012

Venting to us is a positive. In person meeting with her, futile because few people could or would listen to your summation of the relationship.

Sounds as if you're moving on.

September 13, 2012

I agree bazlac she would not sit there and listen to that. it has just gotten to the point where i have been nothing but nice, i said nothing bad at the end and during the relationship i did what i could to make it work, i invested time and money (A LOT OF MONEY) because apparently i can afford it and i would if i loved her ect.

I was so mad at the end but i bit my tongue because i still hoped she would realise and come back but now i realise that isn't happening, i have no reason to hold back. I was told getting into this relationship that she was very highly strung and controlling and warned away, i wanted to make my own decision. i was led to believe that it was all her ex who had mistreat her but after being told that i am pathetic for having an anxiety condition, I should just man up and that she is getting rid of our baby and it's my fault because " im too anxious to be a dad, what if the baby comes and you can't cope. and i don't want my children growing up like that" I am starting to see that even though i do my fair share of games (everyone does its a fact to get their own way) that i never stooped so low as to make someone wonder if everything is worth it and question if they will ever have it in them to be a father, actually make me think i am a BAD person when all i wanted was a loving relationship. F*** her, I owe her nothing. I gave her all I could and it's fine that it wasn't what she wanted or needed but I would have rather she walked away without leaving me with permanent mental scars.

September 13, 2012

I cringe to read that you believe this to have caused permanent emotional scars. Oh Helz no. It's a knowledge base of experience, a resource to ensure you put up personal boundaries, thus avoiding such an unstable future partner. Lick your wounds and shout NEXT.

September 14, 2012

Ok-Katharsis-

Hi k1d just wanted to see what you are up to.

You are sooo centered in the thinking part of you brain, have you ever considered maybe a practice like Tai Chi or Qigong?

It could help take you to a different place. Maybe meet some new people there also.

I hope I'm not breaking any rules by saying this, i'm not proselytizing. Just offering options.

September 14, 2012

I have actually just bought a book on meditation and a dvd on tai chi today. I know i tend to live inside my head and i am a thinker, this is partly due to me having GAD (Generalized anxiety disorder) It is something i would like to be able to learn to cope with better and just take in life around me instead of thinking too much about things.

September 15, 2012

Wonderful, i practiced some years ago but let it slip, im starting up again myself. I would to hear how that goes for you. Take care.

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decided against meeting up. sent her this and changed my number

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