MrGray Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 (edited) Im new to this , so please bear with me About a year and a half ago , I came out of a 2 year relationship with my previous girlfriend. About a fortnight after that I met a lovely girl through Facebook and we started talking. I am 27 and she is also 27. We went out on a date and it wasn’t the best of dates except something pulled us together. We seemed so wrong for each other that it seemed right. Anyway , we continued to see each other for months on end, except it was more like **** buddies, the best sex we both had ever experienced , and most nights we’d meet only really after 10pm , every so often we’d break it off but then get back and break it off and so on… Ill be honest , during this period of time , I wasn’t the nicest off guys I could have been. I didn’t think I would end up falling in love with her ? I was still very bitter from my previous girlfriend dumping me after me giving her 2 years of my life. And for my behaviour I am still to this day disgusted at myself. Anyway , a 6 month period passed where I would continually see this girl and we decided to make a proper go of it October 2011. Since then we have been solid, only once going on a 4 day break , we do argue a lot because we have conflicting value and culture’s. She is Polish and I am Scottish. But despite all that I loved her to bits and didn’t ever think I could find someone better than what my ex was, until she appeared. To cut to the point , just last week she told me it’s over after I shouted at her in an argument… I thought maybe it was just one of those things you say when angry , except this time it’s for real. She is enjoying the life of no stress , not having to worry about anything except herself and has told me she’s not sure if she still loves me anymore. Whether she is angry with me at the moment and is saying this I don’t know. What I do know , is that 2 weeks ago to this day we were sitting looking at holidays and organising a trip home to see her parents We even have London booked next weekend to visit friends who are still expecting us as no-one knows my problems I am having. She is also amazing with my nephews and my family love her. I’ll never know how love works…every time I find it , I lose it. In fact , I push it away... I know NC isn’t an option because I know if I NC her she will then move on and I don’t want that…but on the other hand constantly calling her 10 minutes doesn’t seem to be working either…Im blinded by love to what the truth really is here…truth being its done !!! Any feedback would be appreciated. I am a man cut in two desperate to find the answers to fix this , if there I any… Edited September 13, 2012 by MrGray
Author MrGray Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Really do need some advice here !
Author MrGray Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) Hi , I posted for some help and advice a few days ago because I'm in a seriously bad way at the moment... The thread " A man cut in two" I reached out on the forum for help and advice after i help others... And no one answered my call. If i can't turn to this site , then where can i turn too ? Mr Gray. Moderator note: Threads merged for easier reading and response Edited September 15, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
not-a-drive-by Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I just re-read your thread again. You said: I know NC isn’t an option because I know if I NC her she will then move on and I don’t want that…but on the other hand constantly calling her 10 minutes doesn’t seem to be working either…Im blinded by love to what the truth really is here…truth being its done !!! Any feedback would be appreciated. That bit about NC being not an option, may have put people off from responding, or your post was simply missed! I think everyone here (if not, the majority) on this forum will say to go NC. If it really ISN'T an option, at least give her some space and time to think it through. Constantly calling every 10 minutes right after a BU, does not help! I've been there, and it just pushes them away and confirms their decision for leaving. It's hard, but if she broke up with you, she probably in a way, has moved on already (sorry to say). Before my ex BU with me, he seemed to be all lovey-dovey with me. And then we had an argument and it was his chance to pull out the BU card. I guess they are all just waiting for that opportunity...I've asked him before, if we never had that argument, how long or when would he have BU up with me - he couldn't answer.
barese1 Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Its true, when they decide to BU they basically are already moving on. Its horrible to hear but we have to face these facts. It doesn't make the pain any less but it hopefully gives you enough to start to move on yourself. NC is the most horrible thing in the world. I hated it and broke it after about three months. The ex thinks we're friends now and I realise this isn't doing me any good. Pestering them constantly will push them away far more than NC. I think truthfully we need NC to lose some of the feelings. I then broke Nc and it helped to kick her off the pedastal but I shouldn't have left it there. Being back into regular contact with someone who clearly is over you is not nice. You can build a friendship after you have no feelings. What can I say. It is the most horrible feeling in the world wanting someone who just doesn't want you. Time and effort on your part is the only way to get through it. They cannot make you feel better
Author MrGray Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 I can't thank you enough for your words. Its a shame , i had a year and a half to make it right and i just didn't. It seems to be , every girl i push away... I maybe didn't deserve her in the end , maybe I'm just not good enough... Ive hit rock bottom with self esteem and emotions. Im sure the only way is up... Just don't know what the step is...
Calico Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Just don't know what the step is... Start by making a list of things that you did not like about her, and stuff that she could have done differently. I know you have a mental list of about 3728372 things YOU did wrong, but ignore that for a moment. If your initial reaction is, "She was perfect.", then tell yourself, "Sure she was." in a sarcastic tone and come back to this exercise an hour later. Do that unil you have a list of ten things. Also: Stay out of the bottle, stay away from caffeine. Plain water, magnesium (ideally with vitamin D), and vitamin B complex. You probably can't eat anyway, so do those things at least.
Author MrGray Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 I have a mental list of things she could have done better or things that annoyed me about her , but they didn't bother me enough for me to say " No i don't love this girl ". She also helped me make positive changes about myself...things i normally wouldn't have changed or done. This is why i know i found someone not perfect , because no one is perfect , but someone who i adore and appreciate. Can i ask , why those specific drinks ???
Author MrGray Posted September 15, 2012 Author Posted September 15, 2012 P.s 3728372 things. Really that much ???
Calico Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 She also helped me make positive changes about myself...things i normally wouldn't have changed or done. You're already back to talking about what was positive about her. That's easy, but irrelevant. Stop. Go back and write down what was not so great about her. You said you have a mental list, good! Now put that down on paper. You need to snap yourself out of the self-blame (trust me, I did it for weeks, it goes nowhere), and that means you have to make a deliberate mental effort to change how you think about this. It's work. As for why those things: the vitamin B complex is good for your nervous system (which is in shatters right now), magnesium is very good in stressful situations (which this most definitely is!), and vitamin D helps to absorb the magnesium and stabilizes your immune system (which takes a hit when you feel the way you do). And lots of water. It helps to wash out the nasty stuff the stress and pain causes in your body.
KatZee Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I can't thank you enough for your words. Its a shame , i had a year and a half to make it right and i just didn't. It seems to be , every girl i push away... I maybe didn't deserve her in the end , maybe I'm just not good enough... Ive hit rock bottom with self esteem and emotions. Im sure the only way is up... Just don't know what the step is... Honestly, I saw a red flag here. It's when you said, "It seems to be, every girl I push away..." So lets disregard all the problems in the relationship, and focus on the ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR in all of your failed relationships. You. In order to grow and learn from past relationships, you need to avoid the excuses and denial and face the fact that it might just be you who is ruining the relationships. You choose unavailable women, fail to learn from that experience, and then jump to another unavailable girl. You have a pattern of choosing this type of woman. One reason for the failed relationships may also be this: You're not meeting her needs, or any of the needs of your past partners. You don't just view your contribution from what you have to give, but also what you would like to get BACK. In thinking about what you perceive love and relationships to be and how you'd like to feel and be treated, you determine that what you need and want is what the RELATIONSHIP needs. (wrong) You think you would be happy if your needs were being met in this way and wonder why she's not happy and reciprocating and making you happy. Her needs are not your needs and vice versa. What you're happy with isn't what she's happy with. What she's seeking or happy to get by on is different than you. By persisting in giving what you think you need, you're not really giving to her, you're giving to you. --- Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl.
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