Being played?

[NoMoreJerks]

Hi everyone,

 

This is my first post here, but I've been searching the forum for a while now for similar experiences.. I have read some threads that seemed a bit close to my situation, but not quite, and I'd like to get your input on this, even though I pretty much "know" that there is a right answer (breaking up to cut my losses).

 

3 months ago I met a guy who was here on a business trip. We met at the local pub, and for the next three days, met up for drinks every night, talked about each other, etc. He was visiting with a co-worker, so the co-worker was with us too. He wanted to go back to his/my place for sex the first night we met, but I turned him down. He didn't bring it up again the following night, but asked for my phone number, and mssged me the following morning, and asked if I would like to go for drinks again. That third night, he asked me again if I wanted to go back to his place, and I accepted (whether or not that was a good choice on my part is another question -- but at the time it felt like the right decision).

 

Anyhow, he comes to my country almost every month, stays for 3 weeks, goes back for 1 or 2 weeks, then returns again for another 2-3 weeks. When he's here, we see each other almost every day, and spend the weekends together. I sleep over at his hotel, and leave with him in the morning when he goes to work.

 

But things started getting a bit complicated, because every time he went back to his country, he would stop calling me. He would still text me every day, and I always woke up to a bunch of text mssges. But he wouldn't call me, even when he wasn't busy, and was online on Skype. I asked him a few times how come he never bothers to answer my Skype chat mssges (I once asked him if I could call him on skype, and he never bothered to reply in writing). He claimed he often leaves skype on and might be away from the keyboard. Anyhow, I "bought" that excuse, and didn't think much of it. Now he no longer even shows up on skype unless he feels like talking to me. I have a feeling he has me on block most of the time, and unblocks me to chat. Anyhow, that's just the tip of the iceberg.

 

I am pretty open-minded, and don't mind it when he looks at porn, even in my presence. We sometimes looked at it together. I am not insecure about him looking at some people in a porn movie, as long as he's not ogling women on the street in real life... He told me that his previous gf's (he had come out of a 5-year-long relationship -- his gf had dumped him 2 years ago) were very controlling and wouldn't let him watch porn, or at least would try to stop him from watching porn.

 

One night, when he was here, we were talking, and I (stupidly) confided in him that I had kissed a girl once. BIG MISTAKE. Immediately after I said that, he told me that he had always wanted to do a threesome with 2 girls, but added.. "I know the difference between reality and fantasy though.." I said, yeah, exactly. The next day, while he was at work, he told me he wanted to try it with me and another girl... I was shocked that he had the audacity to even suggest such a thing to me.... Anyhow, I was so upset but I didn't want to say anything via text, so I called him while he was at work. He said we could talk about it that evening. That evening, he told me that I should let him know soon if I wanted to do it or not, and that he wouldn't hold it against me if I didn't want to. But I had a feeling that he would, so I didn't really say no.. nor did I say yes... but it seems that he assumed that not saying no meant that I had accepted it...

 

Since then, he has gotten progressively worse... soon after that, all his conversations with me revolved around threesome. Even seemingly unrelated ones. He would find a way to link it back to threesome. He would ogle girls on the street and tell me, look at her, do you like her?.... It made me very uncomfortable, but I was worried (low self-esteem) that if I took a strong stand against it, he would dump me. So I guess my silence encouraged him.. he then started pressuring me to go to pubs known to be frequented by lesbians, to pick up a girl. He said he didn't want to have sex with the other girl, but would like to watch us have sex. Anyhow, I went once, thinking that if I showed that I "tried" but "failed" to pick up a girl, he would get off my case. But he didn't. He kept pushing me even more. He got upset that I didn't go one night, because I had back pain. He started a big fight, and told me, if you wanted something, nothing, not even back pain, would stop you from getting it. He accused me of being selfish, and of playing games with him.... Anything I said in my defense fell on deaf ears. He kept showing very high levels of resentment towards women in his rant/fight with me... probably because of his previous experiences with women. I told him that I refuse to be treated like this just because he has previous gf "baggage." Anyhow, he was upset for 2 days after that fight, but things went back to normal after a while. By "normal" I mean, back to him pushing me to find a girl. He even looked up some escort companies. He said he would be willing to pay to get an escort.... He started to freak me out. He then told me that he was going to do it regardless of whether or not I did it with him, and that he preferred to do it with me, rather than 2 strangers...... He said he could "buy" 2 girls for the price of a few beers in Thailand, where he will be going for his vacation this coming Friday... I told him, then maybe you should do that... He said, I will, but not this time. I will wait for you to make up your mind, but next time I visit Thailand (he goes 3-4 times every year), I will do it. He's 40 and he claims "time is running out." He claims he's "always wanted it" and all his previous gf's had played games and pretended they'd be doing the 3some with him, but never did, for the past 20 years. Anyhow, I was curious, so I asked him if he would tell me if he did something like that in Thailand. He said he would. He then said that he couldn't do such a thing as long as we were in a relationship. The conversation ended. He went back to his country a few days after that. He kept texting me about the threesome, though. All his mssges were about that. In none of his mssges did he even ask me how my day was, or anything like that. Only about the threesome, or he sent me porn pics online. Until 3 days ago. Things got pretty annoying and I was really upset because I could see that I was just being viewed as someone who would help realize his fantasy. He also started creeping me out with his obsession/addiction to this idea..... so I told him we needed to talk. He dragged his feet on it for a whole day, and eventually came on Skype. I told him I felt uncomfortable with this whole 3some talk, and that I felt like that's what our "relationship" was all about. That I wanted to talk about more than just sex, and definitely not about 3some. That I felt very uncomfortable going to that lesbian pub, etc. I basically told him how I felt about our relationship, and how I didn't like the fact that he never called me, etc. I said I don't expect you to call me every day and talk for 3 hours every day, but I expect that you would call me almost every day for a 5-minute chat. And I'm not even asking you to call me on my cellphone. It's free, for Christ's sake -- you can call me on Skype!! He started accusing me of being selfish, he said I always thought about my concerns, my needs, never his. I was like, are you SERIOUS? Look who's talking -- a guy who had the audacity to ask his gf to do a threesome to satisfy his perverted fantasy!!! He kept trying to guilt-trip me, but I stood my ground. He eventually said that he will not bring up the threesome thing again, but that he was hoping I would try it anyway without him pressuring me. But he also said that he would do it in Thailand, though he again said that he won't do it this time around. I asked him -- again -- if he would tell me if he did something in Thailand with prostitutes. He said, no. I said, really? Why not? He said, because it's none of your business. I said, really, is this what you think a relationship is supposed to be about? None of my business who you're ****ing? So it's perfectly OK if I have sex with a guy while we're together, and say that it was none of your business? He said, sure. I said, that's good to know. He then said I was trying to control him, and that he doesn't like that, that this stuff is his business, not mine. I told him I was disappointed that that's what he thought our relationship was all about. I asked him what he wanted out of this relationship. He said he didn't know. I asked him what he wanted to do with his life, what his plans were for the next year or two. He said he didn't know, he hadn't thought about it (keep in mind, he's 40, for heaven's sake). Also, he was lying about that. He kept telling me when we first met that he was planning on saving money for the next 5 years and buying a house in Thailand and settling down in that country. He then said he doesn't want a "full-fledged" relationship because he had bad experiences in the past. I asked him what he meant by full-fledged relationship, and he said, "living together, things like that." I am not sure if by that he meant that he didn't want a normal relationship, just a friends with benefits situation, or if he just didn't want to live together in the same house (which is not a possibility at this point anyway, since this is a long-distance relationship for the most part). Anyhow, that day we talked on Skype for 3 hours, and I let him know what my feelings were about everything. And regarding his vow to do the threesome thing in Thailand and not let me know if he did it, I told him, "that's good to know, for when you get back from Thailand." I guess I was trying to imply (not sure if he interpreted it that way) that I'd be dumping him when he got back from Thailand (because if he's not gonna say what he did and be honest about it, there's no future for our relationship; plus, if his threesome fantasy takes priority over our relationship, he does not deserve me and I'm better off without him). I also asked him, is this at least just something that you want to try once, and say you've done it and get over it, or is it something that you will be wanting to do again and again? I told him I needed to know that, as well. He said, "I don't know. I might like it and might want to do it again. Or I might feel like, OK, this was so anti-climactic, and not wanna do it again, but I don't know beforehand how I would feel about it." Clearly, his priority is his fantasy, not this relationship.

 

I gave him another chance. We said goodnight on a good note, and he called me the next morning, on my cellphone all the way from across the Atlantic. It felt nice. I was happy and thought he, at last, had started to "get it." We talked for a few minutes, then I suggested that we Skype, which we did. We talked for an hour, about random stuff, how our day was, things we'd do together when he got back, etc.

 

Then, he dropped off the radar for the next 4 days. By dropping off the radar, I don't mean disappearing. But in the past 4 days, he has been texting minimally, and yesterday, he did not text me at all, until I texted him. He's also been "sounding" pretty dry and distant.. 2 days ago, he mssged me and said he was going out for beer with some friends, and that we'd Skype when he got back home in the evening. I had classes to teach by the time he got back home, but I had an hour to kill between classes, so I mssged him and said I had an hour to kill, if he wanted to talk on Skype. He mssged me back saying that he was cooking and that we could talk later. Then, nothing. I got a bit upset, and didn't mssg him much over the next 2 days, and he didn't mssg me much either. Today, I thought I'd ring him. I thought, maybe he feels like he's taking the initiative all the time. Let me take the initiative once, and call him. I called on his work phone, which he has on him, and on, all the time. He didn't pick up. I didn't try again. Later on in the day, I sent him a mssg saying, what's up? He replied, and said he was packing for his trip to Thailand. I said, did you get my missed call? He said, I didn't hear your call. I said ok, and wished him a good vacation (he's not leaving until Friday, so it was my way of letting him know I won't be talking / mssging him for the next 2 days). I assumed that since he's traveling to Thailand for 2 weeks and will be unable to communicate as much as he can communicate now, he would want to talk with me more than he usually does. But it's been the exact opposite. He's been ignoring me even more. Now I'm thinking that he's treating me as his on-call gf. Someone to hang out with when he's here on a work trip, and alone in a city he's unfamiliar with, but someone who will disappear from his life when he goes back home. Or maybe he's treating me as someone to have fun with when he doesn't have anything fun to do, but with the trip to Thailand coming up, he has something fun to look forward to, and that trumps me. Whatever the case, "some priorities"!

 

Oh well, I guess this is more of a rant than a question.. but it would be interesting to hear what you think of the situation and whether I am overthinking this or misinterpreting something. The last thing I want is to do something that will end this "relationship" (if it is even that at this point) when something good can still come out of it. Am I overreacting to his cold treatment / no phone call? I'm sure most of you will say that the threesome thing raises some "red flags", and I completely agree. But in every other respect, he has respected me. Well, aside from his no-phone-calls thing. He told me he doesn't like talking on the phone because it feels awkward, and he's more of the socially awkward/geeky type, so I believed him at first, but I would want him to get over that, because he knows that I want us to talk frequently. I can't do a LDR without talking with him at least 5 times a week, even if it's for 10 minutes each time.... and I don't think that's too much to ask for... it's not as unreasonable a demand as he made it look like.

 

I guess the question is: am I being played? Or did I miss something? I am already very emotionally attached to this guy (I actually lost my virginity to him), so I would like to salvage this relationship if it can be salvaged. But I don't know how, or if there's anything to be saved from it, except maybe the memories, and some lessons learnt the hard way... It's so hard to let go, but I feel like I took a step in that direction today, when I decided I had had enough of being treated like a doormat. But I'm worried that as soon as he mssges me or calls me tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, my heart will tell me to give him another chance. I know I should cut my losses and run away from this guy as fast as I can, but my heart keeps telling me otherwise every time.. And I don't exactly have a high self-esteem. It doesn't help that I've been on the look-out for men for the past 2 years, and he's the first guy who has even sounded interested in what I had to say, and in hanging out with me. But I don't want to be in a FWB situation or be fooled into thinking I was in a relationship when that's what it was really about -- just a fling he was having in order to boost HIS self-esteem. I also know that a relationship is supposed to make you happy, not worried or upset all the time, and I am usually upset or bothered by something in this relationship. I am not sure if I am over-thinking things and worrying more than is necessary, or if there REALLY is something to be bothered about. He keeps telling me that I "worry" too much, that I should just "enjoy" things. Maybe I do worry too much? Maybe i'm reading too much into the fact that he doesn't call me much / at all? In the past, his absences were usually only 1 week long. This time, it's a month-long absence, and he has, so far, called me only twice, and mostly because I had said we needed to talk..... I think he's emotionally abusing me, and I feel like I'm willingly submitting to it time and again and coming up with excuses to justify his crappy behavior. I guess I need to find the courage to face the pain of leaving him.

 

I don't know what to think anymore... I've been crying all night long.

Edited September 13, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[utterer of lies]

Did you ever think that maybe he doesn't call/skype from home because he has a wife there?

[NoMoreJerks]

Did you ever think that maybe he doesn't call/skype from home because he has a wife there?

Actually, yes. I thought of that possibility, but decided it was unlikely that that was the case. A few pointers:

 

1) his co-worker/boss knew we were hitting it off, and kept mentioning another co-worker who had met a woman here and how they had gotten married eventually; he even explicitly said, referring to my bf, "maybe you will not go back, just like that guy." Granted that this doesn't mean that he's not married (he can always divorce the wife back home, I suppose), I doubt that his co-worker would be saying such a thing in front of him if he were married...

 

2) he HAS skyped from home very late at night (his time), and I assume the wife would not have been out at like, 1 am or 3 am, which is some of the times that we have skyped -- unless , of course, she happened to be on some sort of weekend camping trip and therefore not around ... but what are the odds of that happening on more than one occasion?

 

3) His mom called him once while I was with him, and told him she had checked up on his house. Why would she do that if he had a wife? I didn't hear the conversation myself, but he had no reason to invent something like that, out of the blue..

 

I can probably think of more pointers, but I think those 3 are convincing enough? Or maybe not? Granted, he has always been the one to "decide" on the timing of skype conversations, so he might have done it while the "wife" was not around, but I think if that was the case, he would have hesitated to give me his multiple cell phone numbers (work, personal cellphone) and have his home phone number publicly displayed on his skype profile... I can always call him at home when he's not around, and see if anyone picks up... Maybe I will try a phone call like that from an unknown phone number.

 

I would honestly be more concerned about him having a "mistress" in Thailand. A lot of guys go there and "keep" gfs (buy a place for them, or pay their rent, etc.). The fact that he goes there 3-4 times a year is not terribly reassuring.

Edited September 13, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[oldskl]

The lack of paragraphs to the end made me skip it. Sorry.

 

I think the reality here is that you are a bit on the side for when he 'visits'.

 

He's getting his willy wet for free, and is now banking on the bonus of potential fantasies becoming reality and seeing how far along you can go.

 

The red flag was the sex on the first date for drinks. Once you accepted the second time, you were his toy to use.

 

Cut ties. Move on. Guy sounds like an @rsehole and you have got yourself emotionally tied when he CLEARLY does not care.

 

Please, don't waste another second of this. Your life and heart is more valuable for someone to waste like this.

[Emilia]

I stopped reading where the text got a bit dense without paragraphs but I got to the threesome, escorts part, etc.

 

This guy has no respect for you, he doesn't care about you. He might have a serious girlfriend at home he might not. Regardless you don't mean much to him. It's best to move on

[Later82012]

He is a douche. Get rid of him and find someone else. He will give you pain, lot of pain.

[yongyong]

He is a douche?

 

how did you meet him? Did you meet him from a social circle after getting to know him for a while? and he changed his attitude after he banged you? yes then he is a douche.

 

What KIND of MEN are going to take women seriously whom they met at a bar and outside their country?????

 

Just admit the fact that you enjoyed the sex. Too bad, you want more from him but he is just interested in sex. there is nothing wrong with that. you can walk away or stay. nobody is forcing you.

[ascendotum]

The lack of paragraphs to the end made me skip it. Sorry.

I think the reality here is that you are a bit on the side for when he 'visits'.

I had to skim over parts as well, but I picked up enough for me to agree with oldskl's conclusion. Sorry but I really think you are his FWB when overseas.

[truth_seeker]

 

I think the reality here is that you are a bit on the side for when he 'visits'.

 

He's getting his willy wet for free, and is now banking on the bonus of potential fantasies becoming reality and seeing how far along you can go.

 

The red flag was the sex on the first date for drinks. Once you accepted the second time, you were his toy to use.

 

Cut ties. Move on. Guy sounds like an @rsehole and you have got yourself emotionally tied when he CLEARLY does not care.

 

^^^100% Correct.

[NoMoreJerks]

Thanks for all the replies, guys.

 

He texted me today, and pretty much said he was sick of the "mood games" I was playing with him, and that we should end it. He said he didn't want to talk to me even when he wasn't busy, that I was annoying him by expecting him to call every day (which I never said I wanted him to do), that I keep calling him every time (which I never do -- yesterday was the first time I did, and he didn't even bother to pick up), etc. I was so shocked and upset, and I kept asking him for a chance to explain. Tried calling him, but he wouldn't reply. I texted him back, and pretty much stooped so low as to almost beg him to give me another chance, even though I've been the one who's been giving him all the chances from day 1, when I should've dumped him a long time ago for even bringing up the threesome. He then said, do you promise to arrange a threesome when I get back? I was silly enough to say yes. I was willing to do anything he asked me to. And I was so distraught and crying. And then I took a few minutes to compose myself and thought, what the **** did I just do? Did I really say what I did? Seriously? He actually demanded that I organize a threesome in order for him not to end this so-called "relationship"? So I decided to send him a text saying: "We should end this. I refuse to be treated like an object and thrown around like this. I think you only wanted a threesome from me ever since I told you I have kissed a girl. I want more than just a sexual relationship. Yes, we had good times together, but you're not the right person for me." He hasn't replied yet, and probably won't. But it's over, as far as I'm concerned. It feels like crap. But I know that my self-esteem would've been scarred for life if I had been forced into a threesome like this, only to be dumped later on over some other demand he might have come up with.

 

Thanks for all the advice. Right now, all I feel I need is just support and sympathy. And lots of tissues.

[oldskl]

Good move by you! Now you can do things you want to do, and find someone that isn't going to lead you on with ridiculous expectations.

 

There are lots of nice blokes out there, half the fun is meeting them all and getting to choose which you like the best.

 

You are a girl and the world is your oyster!

 

Good luck, and a hug from everyone here for making a good decision!

 

Onwards and upwards!

[kassy]

Well done! It took you a while but you got there in the end and made the right decision!

 

Now go do whatever you want, have some fun or cry your eyes out whatever makes you feel better. But RIGHT NOW go and delete and block him on any means of communication you have. Otherwise I almost guarantee you will contact him in a weak moment.

 

He really isn't a great guy, so you don't want him back. Go find someone fun and loving!

[NoMoreJerks]

Thanks for the supportive messages. I really appreciate it. I've been crying my head off since yesterday. Mostly because I feel so stupid and naive, and I feel sorry for myself because I felt like I deserved better treatment from him, if only because I gave so much unconditionally. Maybe that was the problem: that I was too nice and not demanding at all. Lesson learnt the hard way, I guess.

 

He did respond to my break-up mssg. He said: "OK I agree. It won't work. Look after yourself. I have some good memories."

 

An hour after that, he sent me two text mssges. The first one said:

 

"You made an unfair comment [i think he was talking about my threesome comment], but I do understand. We only had a few months together but I enjoyed everything. You do deserve better. Take care of yourself."

 

He then sent me the following:

 

"Maybe see you about." (he comes to my city on business trips, and he stays at a hotel down the road from my place, so the chances of bumping into him on the street are extremely high)

 

I have not replied to any of these mssges, and won't. If I see him around, I will walk away. I need him out of my life, and that means completely out of my life.

 

I think he wasn't expecting me to break up. He was betting that his threat to break up would be enough to get me back "in line". But it's clear that he does not want any obligations/commitment. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Anyhow, I think he has issues/complexes, but I am not going to take the fall for his problems when he's not willing to even make an effort into fixing his issues. His tone seemed to be one of self-hate, especially when he said "you deserve better." Or maybe he's being manipulative and trying to guilt-trip me. I guess in part, it's working, because I feel bad/guilty about having ended this. I keep telling myself "look how nice he was, even admitting that he wasn't good enough for me." But I know that he's played mind games with me before, and he might be doing the same now. Or maybe he really has issues. If the latter, sure, I feel sorry for him, but I need to look after my own emotional health. So this is it, the end of the so-called relationship between us. I'm going down the no-contact-forever route, but I can't help thinking that maybe, maybe, if I see him on the street, he may come and apologize, and act differently and be the man I had imagined/fantasized he would be. Maybe I'm thinking of it because the wound is too new, and in time, it will change. Hopefully I will have enough time to completely put him out of my mind by the time he returns (October 5th). Unfortunately, I have no option of moving somewhere else, etc. So I will have to rely on my will power to not be tempted into talking to him. I know I will not text him, call him, etc. But being unable to avoid seeing him face to face is a different ball game altogether. Oh well, for now, I don't even want to think about it. I just want to cry.