ForeverHopeful1 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Hi there guys, My partner and I have been trying for a baby since Christmas. So about 8.5 months. I knew something was wrong about a year ago and started fighting for answers as to what was wrong as my cycles were 4-5 months long. Not very good for trying to have a baby!!!!!!! There was something very wrong and it was blatantly obvious! Obviously I knew something was wrong when I missed my period, we werent trying yet and I wasnt pregnant. I was dianosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) on June 13th of this year. It was devastating. It still is. It is probably harder and harder to deal with as I live on with it knowing I have something that will never go away. I can never just forget about it and not treat it without running the risk of cancer. I know waking up every day causes cancer though. Lol. In this entire year, I have had one try and "trying to conceive" and every other cycle was 4-5 months long. So naturally, this could take a dogs age. I am on natural things, and they do help balance hormones a little bit, but my cycles are unchanged, therefore, no increase in the amount of tries per year. We have been together since we were 19 and 22 and are now 28 and 31 and have been together close to 9 years. We have always put off children and I forever stayed on birth control until last summer when we decided to use other methods of birth control until we were ready to start trying, so my body could have some time to adjust. It never adjusted and only went haywire. PCOS is evil! Basically the insulin resistance causes the pancreas to make more insulin, therefore affecting the ovaries. The ovaries then produce too many androgens and not enough estrogens to make ovulation take place, and no ovulation = no monthly period. (Sorry for TMI if I am offending anyone...) I dont mean to upset or offend anyone and am in a lonely place right now and just want to understand everything as best I can before we proceed with the biggest endeavour of our lives. We are to be starting fertility drugs (Clomid or Letrozole) after 3 months on Metformin (I am doing this as I feel safer balancing my hormones before pregnancy - meaning I dont want to conceive right away and not have my hormones under control and therefore miscarry my babies anyway.) I am a thin woman with PCOS, so therefore it is harder to treat. I cannot just lose 5-10% of my body weight because I am already 115lbs soaking wet! I am taking some natural things and Metformin as of right now and in one month and 4 days, I go back to my OBGYN and start this whole crazy train of monitored cycles and drugs. I am excited. I eat well, I am a healthy normal size (5'4'', 117lbs) and the solution for someone like me is drugs. There are no changes that can be made, so drugs are my only options. I can find natural things, but I will never be totally sure about how they are working. My partner recently told me that he did not want to keep trying. It was in the middle of an argument we were having. In that he meant, that he not only didnt want to keep trying, but he wanted to prevent children... after all this time trying, all the preparation I am doing to make sure we are being safe and after getting this close to starting meds. I was and am still devastated. He has since realized he "is an idiot, doesnt want to make our decisions solely on his own and doesnt want to be "selfish and choose for us," that he didnt mean to hurt me the way he has and that he was really getting scared with all the new information and it was daunting to him." BIG WOOOOOOOOOOP! How do you think I feel. So clearly, guys, I am torn... I have babied (pun intended) his feelings long enough and need his support! I dont need someone who is on the fence about this and if he is, he needs to stick to that and say he is flat out not ready. I would respect that more. It will kill me because it will decrease our chances of children, especially in a cost effective manner (God Bless, I live in Canada and a lot of things are free, but fertility treatments, are not one of them...) My tubes are clear, so IVF would be paid for out of pocket. I understand all of the things he is worried about... some of the things he mentioned are things I am deathly scared of myself as well, so he was surprised upon talking to me that I too had the same concerns. He knew it would upset me to talk to me, but I just dont understand why it wouldnt upset me to make this choice and decide we were just not going to try anymore right now without me? I am so scared. It honestly just broke me down so much after the year I have had, with fighting my way through Drs who would listen. Apparently skinny girls DO HAVE PCOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its hard to find a Dr who would take me seriously. I did and got us here and felt abandoned, backed out on... and felt my dreams fading quickly. The older I get, the more I worry. I am not like a normal 28 year old in that I do not have 12 tries a year like everyone else. I really get no tries a year at all unless I drug myself with things that sometimes work and then most times dont work. Had I known when I was 25 what I know now, I would have started trying around that time. I have spent the last 3 years comfortable, saving money and being selfish and have always wanted to be a mother, so i would have started trying sooner had I known this... I know starting a family with this condition will have its ups and downs and they will surely be worth it in the end. All I want is the same amount of tries every year that every other mommy hopeful wants and has. My partner and I are talking a little bit at a time about this since he confessed "he is an idiot." He feels like a nob, because he knows that if we wait to start trying for another year, I will be 30 and it will decrease our chances just that little bit more. He knows right now that cheaper methods may still work quite well if we keep trying now. He has done things in the past that made me feel abandoned, left behind, forgotten about and in the last few years, we have really put the time in to fix what we broke when we were young and stupid. He has issues with his parents abandoning him, and is terrified I will do the same, but then hurts me beyond repair without thinking about how it will affect me because he is protecting his own heart from being hurt. "Get them before they get me," attitude. I understand it because I understand his past, but at what point is enough enough? How do I help this feeling within him? Which direction do I guide him? I know I cannot help him. I have tried. Lol. It didnt work. I know someone else needs to help him deal with some of these issues and fortunately he is willing to talk to someone. I do go to IC and he has agreed to come to that when and if I want him there in my sessions. I decided upon diagnosis of PCOS, this could at points become bigger than me and I need to set up some kind of communication with someone who can help me and guide me into ways of coping with infertility. We have done therapy in the past and will do it again if necessary. The biggest thing that has come out of this is that he is now willing to go to therapy/counselling in order to deal with some things. He knows now that they are significantly affecting his relationship with me and has only just realized how many times he has "sabotaged" our relationship. He said that he "knows a woman can only be hurt so many times before she just doesnt have any love left." I felt very listened to at that moment and although he was sad in the moment, I felt liberated in a way... then pain. My partner has fears, I am sure like any other male. We both make good money now but I think it is only natural for him to worry about paying for all of us, raising a family and making sure he can feed his family, cloth his family and put a roof over our heads. He makes more money than I do. I worry his fears of inadequacy are going to overpower him. Is there anything I can do to help him? We are and have been saving money, not only in our own savings accounts, but in a baby fund. Since I will be off work for the first year, it is something I am glad he is worried about, but not quite sure under the current circumstances why it was necessary to tell me he didnt want to try and then change his mind when he realized how silly he was being. I just feel hurt and angry with him now. I feel like he has backed out on so many things that its harder and harder for me to forgive. How many mulligans does one person get?!?!?!? Lol. I mean really. I can understand being a dope sometimes. I am completely in love with this guy and have been forever, have both done the work to get where we are today and for him to do this just brought me right back to where we used to be for a bit. Am I being too sensitive? i mean, you cant just take kids away from someone this far into trying, can you? I mean, I didnt do anything! Lol. He didnt say he didnt want to try, just not for another 6-12 months... time is NOT on our side if we want 2-3 children when I have PCOS though. I cant change what I do not acknowledge. I am looking for support. I dont need anyone to be mean, please and thank you... Maybe some men could pipe in and let me know how they felt or feel about trying for a baby and is it normal to not want to try sometimes? Or is it scary? I just feel like my trust was broken and it was all because he was a little confused for a minute. What is my partner going through? I know there are things he would love to tell me about being the partner of someone who is infertile but feels from his mouth wouldnt be appropriate or it would be hurtful, but I truly want to know. Please be nice though. I dont know what its like to deal with me... I am sure its not easy and it would be nice to have some help. I just want to be able to have the best, most understanding point of view going into this and acknowledge these things can be just as hard if not harder at times for the husbands in these situations. Thanks for listening to my LONG LONG LONG post.
darkmoon Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 "My partner recently told me that he did not want to keep trying. It was in the middle of an argument we were having" what was the argument about? look, it could even be that he doesn't want to get caught up in a marriage that has any argument
Author ForeverHopeful1 Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 That doesnt make sense. We arent married, dont want to get married and it has nothing to do with fighting. We dont normally fight. He was projecting anger at me that day about his mother not showing up to his aunts funeral. I was stating when he said it so it was more understood that he said this crap out of anger, then realized he was an idiot and made a mistake. What part of my post said anything about entering into a marriage? My post was about him freaking out, saying he didnt want to try to conceive any longer, and then he changed his mind again and does now. I am trying to figure out what he is freaking out about and its not about whether he wants to enter into a marriage with any fighting and if it did, then he shouldnt be projecting his anger on me about others who piss him off. It is why I was so blind sided... we are doing wonderfully and it truly shocked me because we have ALSO been trying for the better part of a year. He didnt say this in a calm manner, he said it when he was angry which lead me to believe it wasnt how he felt, but I am really trying to figure out whats going on and to help him through it. He knows where the ****ing door is if he doesnt wanna work things out, so entering into a marriage with fighting isnt a must do... I am not holding him here against his will. We have been together for 9 years and I am the one who doesnt want to get married.
darkmoon Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 it's a long-term thing, marriage/partnership "I am trying to figure out what he is freaking out about" why can't you just ask him?
sassypink74 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 I am sorry you are having to go through all this. Hopefully I can give you some hope, even if just a bit. I am the Mom to three wonderful, healthy children. I carried them all full term with minimal issues. I have PCOS too. I quickly learned this after discontinuing birth control pills and my cycles went crazy. Fortunately my ob/gyn dr is very educated and experienced in PCOS. So she immediately sent me on to a Reproductive Endocronologist. My first two children were conceived while I was on 2000mg of Metformin, I think 100 mg Clomid(been so long I don't remember dosage for sure) and I did two back to back IUI's with each of them. My third child, the "surprise princess" was conceived all natural, the old fashioned way. PCOS can make things challenging, I know. But there are lots of mom's like me who were able to conceive, carry and deliver healthy babies. My heart goes out to you. I remember those days of trying and trying and trying. Infertility can be so isolating too. Keep talking to your partner. He is probably scared and nervous too. And don't forget to get him checked out too. My dr insisted on my husband getting his sperm checked before I did any procedures. Hang in there. 1
sassypink74 Posted October 29, 2012 Posted October 29, 2012 Forgot to mention, check out soulcysters.com. It helped me so much during infertility and initial PCOS issues, etc. It has tons of info and lots of understanding and supportive women.
Radu Posted December 15, 2012 Posted December 15, 2012 I think you must first fix things with your guy before you end up having kids. There will always be options for having kids, from using a surrogate mother, IVF, adoption ... etc. But if you can't give it a good home [and i'm not talking about the money], than that child will feel like your bf felt when his parents left him. I think that he said that you guys should stop trying so desperately to conceive both because of the argument and because he might be scared of losing you, as you mentioned scare of loss is very big for him. And i hate to tell you this, but mother-father relationship is just as important as parent-child relationship ... maybe even more important if it comes down to good psychological development.
sb129 Posted December 18, 2012 Posted December 18, 2012 I am married with one daughter who is three, and we had secondary infertility while trying for our second. Infertility is an absolute rollercoaster both emotionally and physically, and its made even harder if you have to take drugs that can potentially make you even more emotional. We ended up conceiving via IVF (was only option for us) and we had to pay for it ourselves. It was expensive, and luckily it worked second try. It was very very very hard on our marriage- there is so much uncertainty- there is no guarantee you will fall pregnant no matter how much money you spend or treatments you undertake. We found that very difficult to get our heads around, so we decided to make our own timeline. We didn't want to be one of those couples who bankrupt themselves and ruin their marriage by trying everything under the sun to get pregnant, so we put our own limits on things. You and your BF need to be on the same page regarding this, starting with whether you both definitely want children with each other. Its easy to get caught up in the roller coaster of trying to conceive without really talking through what you will do if you either become parents or you don't . I became quite obsessive about it, and my H felt excluded from lots of things because it was all about me and my body and I often forgot to ask him how he actually felt about things. He also found it hard as he is a problem solver, and there was nothing he could actually DO to make anything better. He also worried about the money side of things, because despite the fact that I work, he often takes on the mantle of "provider" and worries about that kind of thing long term. So- what we discussed was this. Obviously we'd both already decided we wanted another baby and were already parents so we're different to you in that respect. 1. How long we would try for (ie we decided that if I hadn't fallen pregnant by my daughters 4th birthday, that would be it for us and that we would accept that) 2. How much money we were prepared to spend (for us it was about cycles of IVF, we decided we would pay for two, and try to get public funding for one. Borrowing money from family was something we decided we didn't want to do.) 3. We also decided that if we didn't get pregnant, we wouldn't blame each other or try to change rules 1/2, and that we would probably seek MC to help move past that. There is SO much emotion involved, and you and your BF will be having many different emotions. You need to TALK- talk without judgement. Work out whether this is your future.
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