How to know when to move on or get back together

[suladas]

I'll try and keep this short. A while ago me and my neighbor started dating. We have been next door neighbors for about a year, and this spring we built a fence together and that is how it really got going, but since being neighbors there was always something different like we would always take to each other a lot, and accidentally both end up outside at the same time ALL the time (after dating we both admitted we did it on purpose to talk to the other one more). She was trying to get me to notice her since last fall by flirting, but nothing came of it until this spring because I didn't know I was interested and had no idea she was flirting with me.

 

Anyways about 2 months ago she broke it off, she said a few reasons but i'm really not completely sure why. She said that after being single so long, she had forgotten how much work a relationship was and it was to much for her to handle, but right after she said i'm convinced i'm meant to be alone. I really don't know what to make of it. At the time, she had a ton going on with kids being home on summer vacation, fighting with ex husband, new job, etc so she was stressed out quite a bit. She is 35 with 4 kids, i'm 23 no kids. Anyways, a few times she expressed concern/guilt for going out with me because of the age and kids thing, even though she was crazy for me and didn't know what to do. She even once said, if you meet some cute girl without any kids, go ahead, i'd want that for you. She also felt guilty taking time away from her kids to be with me, understandable as she wrote off guys for 3 years after the divorce so she was use to always being with them and I just figured it would take time to make a balance, I spent time with her and her kids together and said I was happy to spend time with the kids too. When she broke it off she also said I didn't enjoy being around her kids, it's just i'm not that use to kids and i'm shy to begin with so it was tough. I told her multiple times that, and that I just needed time to get use to being around them, and I really did enjoy spending time with them.

 

The thing i'm having a hard time is, should I try to get back together with her, or is it best if I move on? I fell for her hard and fast and from what I gather from what she told me she did exactly the same. I mean it wasn't common for her to tell me she just couldn't stop thinking about me, and how since I had moved in next door she really wanted to be with me, and had been looking to see if girls were coming over (to see if I was with anyone) etc, etc.

 

I mean the relationship was great I know that, I always looked forward to hearing from her, spending time with her, hearing about her day, and the whole time together I was always very happy. It didn't matter what we were doing, even if it was with her kids I was always quite happy. I mean it was awkward with the kids especially at first, but I got use to it. She told me very early on, she would never have another kid and if I wanted that i'd have to find someone else.

 

She expressed that she was not just looking for a fling, and even wanted me to come to her friends wedding 3 months ahead of time even though it's a week vacation to (it's actually next week). So I am assuming that she though it was going to be somewhat long term.

 

The problem i'm having, I don't have much relationship experience and i'm having a hard time knowing if there was actually something there worth trying to get back together for, or if it's best for me to move on. I knew I cared for her a lot, but after loosing her the feelings were much stronger then I thought. It's been two months and I still think about her many times a day, but i'm back to being able to carry my life on pretty much normal.

 

I have contacted her a few times since the break, about a week after I texted her asking if she was willing to give things another try and that I honestly did make some mistakes and bascially asking if there was still anything between us. She said she would think about it, but that is the last i've heard from her. The day after she broke up with me I texted her and she ignored it, and ignored a few more of my texts after so I believe the i'll think about it was genuine and not just saying it. After a month I texted her just asking how things were and got no response though.

 

But I don't know what the lack of response means for sure, if she is moving/moved on and has no interest, is thinking about things, or what? Last week on facebook I noticed she got a new job so I sent her a quick text congratulating her on it, and never got a response.

 

I'm really starting to think she obviously has moved on, or is forcing herself to. I guess I just have a tough time believing her feeling for me went from so strong to nothing so quickly? The day we broke up, she had been fighting with her ex, I came home we started talking seemed normal, she even asked if I had plans for the next day and if I wanted to spend the day with her and the kids. But almost in a instant she was completely cold and avoiding me, and I just took the hint and went inside and that was it, I texted her later that night asking if I did something and she said "ya it's a bunch of things", we didn't speak for a few days (I texted her with no reply one day) then when I texted her asking what was going on she broke up with me.

 

We've only spoken outside twice since the break up, I can't say for sure but I think she avoids me. It might just be me, but she was always outside a lot and since the break up, pretty much not at all. All I did was say hi when I did see her and we just exchanged a quick how are you and nothing more, I didn't want to make it seem like I was forcing her to talk to me if we were outside at the same time.

 

So i'm just looking for some input, i'm really lost on what to do right now. I know very well even if I decide I really want to get back together, she might have no intention of it. But at the same time, if I was sure I should move on, then it would be nice to start doing that, instead of still hoping and wondering what she is thinking. I guess that ended up being longer then I though.

 

Also next week she is going on a trip for a week for a friends wedding, now going alone when I was suppose to go before. So I figure if she still has feelings for me, this will surely bring them up?

[Calico]

You move on. If they want you, they'll come after you. I could write more here, but that's really the essence of it.

[suladas]

I'm really starting to think that, and since i've reached out already there is obviously the chance she wants to just move on and I feel like i've done all I can to try and get back together and if it's going to happen, the first move is now up to her.

 

But at the same time, being neighbors complicates it a bit I think? I mean what if I did start dating someone else when she did want me back, and then she sees me with someone else thinking i've moved on when I maybe still want her back? And since she sees me with someone else never makes the move? That's just what scares me. I mean if I was with someone else and happy I wouldn't care, but there is no guarantee that dating someone else is going to help me move on, it could just make me miss her more.

 

I know I can move on if I have to, it's just not knowing if it's the right thing that's making it extremely hard.

Edited September 13, 2012 by suladas

[Calico]

Moving on means that you don't worry about these things. As long as you do, you're not really moving on. You just inch forward. I understand wanting her back, and seeing someone else might even help you in achieving that, but it's a slippery slope. You don't want to hurt someone else in the process, you see. That wouldn't be fair to the other woman.

 

Basically, moving on should ideally be fuelled by your genuine desire to "let go" and to get better. You can move on while still wanting someone else back, but that's a bit like a rubber band and it'll make progress much slower and, in some ways, more painful.

 

By what you wrote, I'd say she's definitely not interested in a relationship with you. It's tempting to look at tiny things that seem promising and that you interpret in a way that gives you hope, but consider the much bigger evidence here that she's done with the relationship.

[suladas]

I know i'm not ready date anyone else, and that is part of it, I still have a lot of feelings for her and the last thing I want to do is start seeing someone else and hurt them because i'm not over my ex yet. I would never date someone else just to try and make her jealous.

 

Ya there's just so many things that can be taken to make it seem like she's done with it, and then things that can be taken that she just needs time to sort things out. I just really wish she'd respond to one text and tell me either way......

 

I mean I know it's getting better, when I went to the bar with my friends pretty quickly after it happening I had no interest to talking to any girls just hung out with my guy friends. But the last few weeks i've really felt more back to normal and wanting to get back out there, it's just every once in a while I seem to break down and want her back really bad, I mean living next door I still her all the time, which really makes it tougher. It's even tougher because right after breaking up, I messed my shoulder up and been off work ever since. So i'm home pretty much all the time just resting it and I have way to much time on my hands to think about things.

[Calico]

If you have sent her a text and asked if there is a realistic chance for you and her getting back together, and she did not respond, then the answer is "no". With some mental acrobatics you could somehow interpret this as meaning that she is undecided, but it's just that, mental acrobatics and wishful thinking. I asked my ex that question and I got a, "I can't do that right now." I don't know, in some ways, no answer is probably better for closure.

[suladas]

If you have sent her a text and asked if there is a realistic chance for you and her getting back together, and she did not respond, then the answer is "no". With some mental acrobatics you could somehow interpret this as meaning that she is undecided, but it's just that, mental acrobatics and wishful thinking. I asked my ex that question and I got a, "I can't do that right now." I don't know, in some ways, no answer is probably better for closure.

 

That's the thing, the text I sent her asking if there was a chance of trying things again she said she'd think about it. The text after that was a simple "hey hows it going" and the last one was to congratulate her on a new job (Seen it on facebook and figured i'd send a text). The weird thing was, her not responding to the last one, I was more angry then sad because I wasn't trying to get her to talk to me, or anything it was just me trying to be happy for her and it annoyed me she couldn't even send back something as simple as thanks.

 

So I guess that's why in my head I can think maybe she's still not sure?

 

I don't know, I guess i'll wait and see when she's gone for a week maybe it will help me heal more, maybe she'll contact me, or maybe I will just contact her and then just finally know that if she doesn't respond that's it and I will force myself to move on because i'm not going to hang onto the though that she might want to get back together forever.

 

I don't know, I think the non response is just the worst. I mean if she didn't want to get back together i'd rather get a angry text even like "leave me alone" then no response.