Did i screw up the no contact rule?

[rtag13]

hello,

I recently went through a difficult break up that I posted about before and I decided to go no-contact to have us both think things over. Once I started this, my ex couldn't help but text me about every two days to see how I was doing or to tell me she misses me. I always played it cool and made myself seem happy and told her I think its best we have our space right, I'm really busy buy maybe we can talk later.

 

However, tonight she calls me crying and I answer. She confesses she has a drug problem. She's hooked on pain killers and if her parents see that she fails one more test she will be sent to rehab. Even though she broke up with me, I am literally the only good influence in her life besides her family. I am a psychology graduate and have worked in a rehab center so I know all about this situation.

 

I gave in and met up with her. I truly love this girl and even though I wanted no contact with her, I felt it was necessary to be there for her in this situation since she asked. I gave her tons of advice and told her what to expect in the next couple of weeks. We took a walk to a park and sat on a bench. We continued to talk and I think I may have crossed the line as far as playing hard to get.

 

I told her I will get her through this whether if we are a couple are not. I told her I love her very much and want her so much to have a better life style. She ended up holding my hand and getting close to me. When I took her home she hugged me and wouldn't let go for a long time. She then kissed me and it turned into a bigger kiss. She got out of my car and said to call her when I got home.

 

So I call her. Since she asked for help, I offered to bring her over some various items to help make her feel less sick from the drug withdrawal. She asked me out of the blue if I have hooked up with anyone since we have been split and I said no, which is true. I told her I've been hanging out with my friends alot. Once again she asks, any girls? I told her I'm good friends with Kim, who is a professional model. I told her I have no interest in Kim because I am still in love with you, so do not worry. She sounded a little mad. She also told me that she feels so close to me. Just as close as family and told me she loves me. I asked if she was still in love with me and she said yes but needs to figure things out. I also made a comment saying "I feel like you're just using me as a comfort blanket and she said I am.

 

I am confused. Should I help her get through this still. Am i just being used? And did I say all of the wrong things and was I wrong by letting her make out with me? She also wants me to take her to her college tomorrow and asked to go to a party tomorrow night. What should I do? and what did I do wrong?

[CC12]

Should I help her get through this still.

 

No, I think you've done all you can. You gave her advice, you offered to bring her some things to help. You're good. You can walk away now without feeling like you completely abandoned someone in their time of need.

 

Am i just being used?

 

Well, you asked her if she was using you as a security blanket and she said yes. So...yes, you are being used. She said so.

 

And did I say all of the wrong things and was I wrong by letting her make out with me?

 

Yeah, it's probably wrong to make out with someone who is in such a vulnerable state. Would your experience in the rehab center or your background in psychology tell you that it's a good idea to get romantically involved with someone going through this? I think if you're using your training to help her, you've kind of stepped into the role of her counselor. If that's what's happening (that's really what it looks like), I don't think that would be healthy for either of you.

 

She also wants me to take her to her college tomorrow and asked to go to a party tomorrow night. What should I do?

 

Don't go. You really should let her go completely so she can deal with this alleged emergency and get clean.

 

 

...Oh god, I just read your old thread. You should have been done with this relationship a long time ago. I get that you still love her and all that, but your relationship with her was just so extremely messed up (on both sides.) It's not going to work out well for you if you pursue it. Seriously, go no-contact again, but this time do it because you're really and truly done with her, not as some game to get her to contact you first. Be done.

Edited September 13, 2012 by CC12

[rtag13]

Thanks for your advice. [COLOR=#000000]About the whole party thing. It's a small gathering at an apartment. She claims she just wants to meet new people and make friends who are clean. She just started at this college right down the road. I wouldn't allow either of us to take drugs or alcohol. It sucks to really love someone, and watch them hit rock bottom. Yes, I want what's best for her but it's hard to let go. We were together a couple years.

 

Yeah, it probably is best she just goes to rehab. It was just a phone call I didn't expect and I made quick decisions. I also couldn't think right since it all happened so sudden. You're right, I shouldn't have kissed her and yes I did learn all of that through college. I just guess when you're really in love with someone, and it's all so sudden, I showed too much love and we kissed.

 

I didn't mean be her therapist. I just told her everything I have seen and what she could potentially be running in to. She's going to be really sick so I offered to bring some pepto, vitamins, ensure meal replacements, and Ib profen.

 

We are both young. This is her first "love" relationship. She told me she loves me, is in love with me but confused, and when she said I am her comfort blanket I'm not sure if she knew what that meant since I was the one that asked. It almost sounded like she thought it was a compliment to me. Instead I was confused and frustrated inside.

 

She's almost 21 now so we both have a lot to learn. I totally respect what you had to say to me. I have even read the book "the magic of making up" if you have ever heard of it. But of course there's no chapter on what to do when your ex contacts you about her drug problem. EVERYONE is telling me to move on. In the back of my head I know that's what's best, but I feel sorry for her when I shouldn't. This is what caused the break up in the first place. I'm calling her father today as he requested. He wants me to help make a game plan for her. She really wants to get her education so she begged her way out of rehab, this is why she has one more chance because college is the only thing she has going for her right now. Please feel free to get me some more pointers.

 

Thank you[/COLOR]

[Crila16]

Wow...she's very untrusting and insecure. you can definitely be there for her, but you need to set boundaries. Let her know you'll be there, but if she mention your dating other women again and gets angry, you're just going to have to take a step back. Let her know you're telling her once, and only once, that there is no one else. If she can't trust you, then you two can't be together....and you don't want to hear about it again.

[flitzanu]

i say no. who cares if her parents throw her in rehab for her drug problem? sounds like it would help her. she isn't your child, your family, or your problem.

 

throwing a few tears at you and getting her way? she'll just keep doing it.

[geegirl]

She needs to be thrown in rehab. You're enabling her behavior by letting her hide. Granted you have the education and experience working in rehab centers, you don't have the resources, as a facility would to help her.

 

The change needs to come from her. You're just going to be a crutch she uses to help her get by. She told you "she needs to figure things" out". It's more than just the relationship that needs figuring out. If she is not mentally and emotionally healthy, there is no relationship.

 

If she has a drug problem, she will not and cannot be a healthy partner for you now. You shouldn't even consider trying to get back together again. You of all people should know this. Love is great but it's just not enough to build a healthy and stable foundation.