Letter to an ex?

[jacks24]

I’ve seriously been considering doing this, but of course there’s hesitation. Oddly enough, I am not the “dumpee” but the “dumper”. Here’s a rundown of my situation, I hope someone can help.

 

A year ago this past July, my boyfriend and I moved out of our small town and into a big city together. Sure we had a few friends here, but our schedules were so crazy that we seldom had time for outings with them. We pretty much just had each other, and that was fine with us. We were excited to be here, however at times I was homesick, missing my close friends and family (naturally). I’m an artist, but I was working in retail, and didn’t have the time nor energy to create anything at times. I was slowly getting very discouraged about this… in addition to being away from family and friends it was getting me kinda down. After a while I started to feel like something was missing. I pinned my depression about everything else on “not having passion/fire” in our relationship. He was stunned that I felt like this, and said we should give this a few months, and that maybe I’d get over it.

 

Well about a month later an ex sent me a message. I don’t want to pin this on being vulnerable, but I guess that’s what you would call it. I liked the attention. Horrible. I started messaging him here and there, becoming more and more distant with my boyfriend. A few months passed, and he asked once more if I was still feeling the same, and I said yes. We decided to break it off in June. Being that our lease does not end until November, we’re still living together, and said that we’d still be there for each other. Although things seemed amicable, I knew at some point we’d both start dating. He started first. Now he’s talking to this new girl, and I just can’t stand to see it. I’ve broken down in front of him a few times, saying that I made a mistake, but he’s told me that he gave me 5 months of chances and I didn’t take them. He’s right. I just know that I regret doing the things I’ve done to the best man I’ve ever known. He’s my best friend, the only person I can trust anything with. But now because of my stupid, inconsiderate mistakes, he’s moved on. But he has that right.

 

So here I am, still living with him. Seeing him talk to her, seeing him walk out the door to go meet her. It hurts. I’m really considering leaving before the lease ends, because I just can’t take it. I was going to write a letter, apologizing, and telling him that I really do care. Obviously it’s hard to believe due to my actions, but I really am genuine. I’m not sure how to go about this, or if I even have the right to do so, being that I’m the one that did the hurting. I just can’t forgive myself, he’s such a good person. Help! Any suggestions?

[youngnlove89]

My ex boyfriend said he felt like something was missing too.

 

This is the third time he has broken up with me.

 

Each time we break up and time passes, he wants me back and questions his original thought: that something was missing. That "since he keeps coming back and he misses me when I'm gone that maybe I am the one" So, we get back together and then he starts to feel like something is missing again.

 

I don't understand why he can't make up his mind. He says he loves me and cares for me more than anyone he has ever cared for but yet he still is so unsure.

 

I think you need to give yourself some time and space. Make sure that this is really what you want before you go after it. We are humans, we have feelings and it sucks being tugged back and forth.

 

If he has moved on, then you will have to accept that. Take it as a lesson learned and don't give up so easily on someone in the future.

[jacks24]

I get what you’re saying. I know how it looks… He even put it in perspective for me one night after I broke down, and was begging like an idiot. He said it’s like I was his toy, and I played with it and one day became bored and now it was my “old” toy. And then someone new comes along, sees this “old” toy and its like new to them, making the toy feel valued. This made me feel like dirt. I didn’t ever want to make him feel like he wasn’t cherished or valuable to me. I know my actions said otherwise… I know. But he really is worth more to me than that.

 

It’s just so hard to not over analyze it all. Just a few weeks ago he tried to be intimate with me, and while I wanted to, part of me thought he was just being a typical guy, I don’t know. I was unsure. He then told me afterwards that it was my “last chance” to try to reconcile. How does one go from that to this in a couple of weeks? It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s told me to my face several times since then, that he’s done with me and that we’re never getting back together. It just seems like a game is all. I don’t think you can turn it on/off that quickly can you?

 

And also, living together has been challenging. He still wants to hang out, and asks where I’m going. I try not to do that much with him because I’m trying to detach myself from him. I don’t know. A part of me feels like I can fix this before the lease is up, but that probably wouldn’t be wise. There’s probably too much damage done to our foundation and would probably start to crumble. I know the answer is to leave, and let time pass. It’s just so hard.

[youngnlove89]

I get what you’re saying. I know how it looks… He even put it in perspective for me one night after I broke down, and was begging like an idiot. He said it’s like I was his toy, and I played with it and one day became bored and now it was my “old” toy. And then someone new comes along, sees this “old” toy and its like new to them, making the toy feel valued. This made me feel like dirt. I didn’t ever want to make him feel like he wasn’t cherished or valuable to me. I know my actions said otherwise… I know. But he really is worth more to me than that.

 

It’s just so hard to not over analyze it all. Just a few weeks ago he tried to be intimate with me, and while I wanted to, part of me thought he was just being a typical guy, I don’t know. I was unsure. He then told me afterwards that it was my “last chance” to try to reconcile. How does one go from that to this in a couple of weeks? It just doesn’t make sense to me. He’s told me to my face several times since then, that he’s done with me and that we’re never getting back together. It just seems like a game is all. I don’t think you can turn it on/off that quickly can you?

 

And also, living together has been challenging. He still wants to hang out, and asks where I’m going. I try not to do that much with him because I’m trying to detach myself from him. I don’t know. A part of me feels like I can fix this before the lease is up, but that probably wouldn’t be wise. There’s probably too much damage done to our foundation and would probably start to crumble. I know the answer is to leave, and let time pass. It’s just so hard.

 

"I don’t think you can turn it on/off that quickly can you?" YOU DID.

 

What about this new girl? How can you fix things when he has this new girl around? Someone else is now in the equation and that messes up everything.

 

How does that make you feel that he may have slept/kiss/whatever with this other girl?

 

I really think both of you need time and space. I really do. You said your peace, he said his. He said he has moved on so now the ball is in his quart. You are now considered the "dumpee" that is why you feel rejected.

 

He needs to make a move now.

[youngnlove89]

and... "The thing is, it’s not that hard for someone to decide if they want to be with you and if they want to be in the relationship – we’ve just convinced ourselves that it is because it makes it more palatable as if it’s a prerequisite for love that you’ve got to cut your teeth being in pain."

 

I need to take that advice too.

 

oh and one more thing..."Our brain has been wired to make sure we remain connected to our mate." Multiple "reward circuits" in our noggins are involved in the attachment process, they said. "When we are physically close to our partner, the whole reward system kicks in — so that, for example, some parts of it secrete powerfully rewarding neurotransmitters that make being close to our loved ones an immensely rewarding human experience," they continued. "When we break up, this gratifying experience is gone, only to be replaced by a painful sense of loss. It feels a bit like going through withdrawal from several drugs all at once. And the one thing that can take all that pain away is being together with our ex again. This is why people find themselves getting back together again and again and why they can feel addicted to a person who may not be very good for them. In fact, these reward systems have a way of tricking us into reuniting with our ex to reduce the momentary anxiety and uneasiness. Unfortunately, this part of the brain isn't so good at making rational decisions and judging long-term consequences."

[jacks24]

I know I did. I feel like a horrible person. I misinterpreted my feelings and depression and pinned it on him. I know I was wrong. I told him yesterday that I'm moving out in two weeks, because this isn't healthy. The look on his face was complete and utter shock. I guess reality is hitting him too? I don't know. But later on that night, he started gp to initiate sex. We ended up having sex, and I felt something there, but he said he didn't. So it was just sex? Brought on by what? Knowing that I'm leaving in two weeks? I don't get it. But it hurt... I just feel like he's still just as attached as I am. We have a very long history together. He's also my best friend, but I feel like I'm going to lose him that way too.

[CC12]

Just a few weeks ago he tried to be intimate with me, and while I wanted to, part of me thought he was just being a typical guy, I don’t know. I was unsure. He then told me afterwards that it was my “last chance” to try to reconcile.

 

Wait, so he tried to get "intimate" with you (meaning, sex, right?) and when you refused, he said, "That was your last chance to try to reconcile." If I'm understanding this correctly, this was an extremely manipulative move on his part. I mean, really, the implication was "Have sex with me right now and if you don't, there will be no chances of us getting back together." And he said this, knowing that you really wanted to smooth things over and get back together with him. That's really ****ed up of him, okay?

 

I told him yesterday that I'm moving out in two weeks, because this isn't healthy.

 

...

 

But later on that night, he started gp to initiate sex. We ended up having sex, and I felt something there, but he said he didn't.

 

Did you have sex with him because you thought it might bring you two back together like he implied?

 

So it was just sex? Brought on by what?

 

Brought on by the knowledge that you feel very guilty over what happened and that you will do almost anything to apologize and get him back?

 

Look, I'm not trying to shame you or make you feel stupid for having sex with him again, but it seems to me like it was a misguided attempt. And I'm not saying you're completely faultless for the breakup. Some your actions caused the relationship to fail. But since the breakup, he seems to be stringing you along, implying certain things, giving you false hope, when he's already moved on and dating someone else.

 

So to answer your questions, no, don't write him a letter. He already knows how you feel. You've told him. And you tried to show him. It didn't work and it hurt you. Stop trying.

[jacks24]

Thank you both for your advice. And I know it is quite manipulative, and yes, maybe some part of me thought it was going to fix things. I just don't understand how he can do these things and then still say he's done with me. Lately it doesn't even seem like he's talking to the "new girl" and has been wanting to spend time with me, especially now that he knows I'm leaving rather soon. He told me that he was saddened by the situation as a whole, and didn't see it ending this way. Well neither did I, but he's made it very clear that he's done. Is he confused? Or is it pride? It just seems like he wants to try again but he's afraid that I'll hurt him again. So he's standing his ground. I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it and just being pathetic.