thinman Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 (edited) I've been having a real mental battle with myself as of late, so I figured I’d post here for some advice or support or encouragement…SOMETHING at least. I feel like a crazy person sometimes. I broke up with my ex in March. Long story short, after a year and a half relationship she wouldn’t move in with me. I felt like if we weren’t going to advance the relationship then it was pointless…I want a relationship where me and my partner are on the same team, and have similar goals, and she just wasn’t on the same level as me. We didn’t contact each other for months, until May, when she sent me a nasty facebook message yelling at me and calling me all sorts of names. We didn’t talk again until the beginning of July; by that time I was going insane. Truth is, I don’t think I realized how strong my feelings were for this girl, and by July I’d figured out that I probably shouldn’t have broken up with her and worked things out instead. I hit her up, met with her a couple times briefly and expressed that I knew I’d made a mistake. I asked about reconciliation, and she made it clear that she was done with the relationship presently, but didn’trule out the future. At that point, I knew that continuing to talk to her or even attempting a friendship would only prolong my pain, so I asked her not to call me or talk to me anymore while I recovered. We haven’t spoken since mid July, and things have been okay. Actually, things have been pretty cool the last six months, minus her absence from my life. I’ve made HUGE strides in my personal and professional life; I’ve quit smoking pot (I was a freakin’ pothead) and have been clean for two months, and I’ve really stepped it up at the workplace. I have awesome new friends, and to help combat the loneliness of living by myself I’m even moving in a new room mate. I’ve been twenty times more positive and responsible then I have been in the past, gotten a bunch of girls phone numbers, got a handjob in a parking lot, and I even had this raunchy little slut texting me the other day about how she wants to bang me (but she’s a little raunchier than I typically like my women lol). Life’s been decent. Problem is, no matter how hard I try to distract myself with other things, no matter how hard I try to move on, I still think about my ex EVERY DAY. It’s actually gotten to the point that I have nightmares EVERY SINGLE NIGHT…of me being in public and seeing my ex super happy and prosperous without me…I can’t make them stop lol. Clearly I have some weird subconscious fear about my ex moving on, and it’s giving me freakin’ NIGHTMARES. I have to move on. The relationshipis over. *I* put in all the effort, so it’s not like the relationship was even that good for me in the first place. It’s just that I’ve yet to meet a girl as cool as my ex. She’s probably one of the coolest chicks I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing personality wise, and was super honest, caring, and affectionate. She just had her own agenda and I had mine. We’re not compatible. WHEN DOES IT STOP? Lol. I’m thinking I need to find a replacement girlfriend, as my loneliness is driving me back towards a person I know it CAN’T WORK with. I just want to stop thinking about the little bitch. Does anybody here have some psychological technique I could borrow? Should I just close my eyes and project myself somewhere else when I think of her? Like a Caribbean Island? Lol. How can I block these thoughts? Edited September 12, 2012 by thinman
riverratt Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Well,,,first off it is great you are getting yourself in order with smoking grass and getting your head out of your rear end at work..Good for you...As far as the other..You should consider a head doctor...Not that you are crazy but they can help if you find the right one..Another girl friend?..maybe if you go into it with the the right attitude and not worry about the hand jobs in the parking lots...You need to mend your heart not your groin..Nothing wrong with still having feelings even after another girl gets into the picture..Shows you are a person that cares deeply when you do..Thats a good thing..Sounds like she may have let a good thing go..You just keep working in the direction you are and be proud of yourself for what you are doing and that you are a person that really cares..Let that transfer over to friendships as well..Good friends are hard to find..be one.. Friends ask me all of the time how to get over tragic stuff. There are things you can't get over and shouldn't ..you have to learn to live with them..The more you try to get "over" things the worst it can get..
youngnlove89 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 The pain doesn't go away...you just make room for it. 1
Mr Scorpio Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Does anybody here have some psychological technique I could borrow? You've been blessed with a very large frontal lobe. Use it. The way to stop thinking about your ex, is to stop thinking about your ex. When you catch yourself starting to cue up a memory, actively think about something else: "that was a good game last night!", "why do they call it 'Thousand Island'?", or "[insert song here]".
SeattleBabe Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 She's moved on, so can you. Thinking about an ex isn't a bad thing. But putting your life on hold definitely is. You can keep her in a special place in your heart. But keep it locked up and don't let it interfere in other aspects of your life...
Calico Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I’m thinking I need to find a replacement girlfriend, as my loneliness is driving me back towards a person I know it CAN’T WORK with. Jumping into a new relationship would dull the pain, but you'd still be the same person and when the new relationship ends, you'd just be in the same situation again. You could do what I do currently and befriend yourself a little more. Try and learn to be more content with who you are. With the lack of dependency. With not having someone else. Make an attempt to figure out why you "need" another person in order to feel "whole", and what the implications are considering that nothing in life lasts (we all die). That pain and the despair may be golden opportunities to grow as a person, so all that hurt at least wouldn't be for nothing. I don't have better answers, but hey, thinking about that kind of stuff helps you to focus on something different. Does anybody here have some psychological technique I could borrow? Should I just close my eyes and project myself somewhere else when I think of her? You could try meditation. Here's a simple method (it's not super complete, but you can just try it out): - Sit down, legs crossed, hands on your tights with palms up, back straight, ideally on a pillow on the floor. Or just on a chair, feet flat on the ground. - Breathe slowly in and out and only focus on the out-breath. Don't spend too much attention on breathing in. You can keep the eyes open or closed, it doesn't matter. Concentrate on the out-breath only. - Whenever you start thinking about stuff, say to yourself "thinking" (in a friendly, humorous fashion, not in a "Grr, you are thinking!!!" kind of way). Don't judge or evaluate the thoughts and return to focusing on your out-breath. Every time the thoughts return (and they will do so very frequently at first), say "thinking" with a smile and go back to concentrating on your out-breath. Perhaps that helps a little.
fallenheart Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 She's moved on, so can you. Thinking about an ex isn't a bad thing. But putting your life on hold definitely is. You can keep her in a special place in your heart. But keep it locked up and don't let it interfere in other aspects of your life... Why does everyone insist on writing this sentimental Hollywood shclock nonsense??? There's no such thing as a "special place in your heart." There's no way to "Lock" s hit away so it doesn't interfere with daily life!! Getting dumped by someone you love dearly is a TRAUMA. We are all suffering from post traumatic stress. You ever almost drown? Ever get hit by a car? That crap doesn't get "locked away".....it creeps up and scares the hell out of you at the worst times, like when you're trying to sleep. Same thing with thoughts about exes. We shouldn't be trying to preserve ANY of those memories....we should be trying to exorcise them all from our skull so we can get our lives back!! Damn it....I wish the machine from Eternal Sunshine was real....I'd be the first one to strap myself in. Screw all the fake flowery "happy" memories...they were all a lie anyway....I don't need them....I just want my life back!! 5
Hindsight_is_20_20 Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Damn it....I wish the machine from Eternal Sunshine was real....I'd be the first one to strap myself in. Screw all the fake flowery "happy" memories...they were all a lie anyway....I don't need them....I just want my life back!! I've watched this movie 3 times since the break up. That and Lost in Translation, Atlas Shrugged and The New Girl because a friend suggested it. I.Need.To.Snap.Out.Of.This.Already. Ugh.
Tyler. Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 You know what brother, it gets easier once you get her off the damn pedestal you've put her on! You say you've put in all the effort yourself in making this relationship work, and in the end you've learned that it takes two to make it work right? You should have learned that by now, i hope you did. Second, she may seem like a cool chick but the fact that you say she's one of the coolest chicks you've met tells me, you've got to meet more chicks it is what it is, she wasn't that special, she may have been different from some people you've met, but there are billions of chicks out there. You say you've been socialising and all that, and it's cool, but it's pretty clear that you need to step it up. Go out more, hang out with your friends and all that. Not for the purpose of finding another chick but seeing what's out there. It's the future that's out there brother, and what you see in your dreams is the past. So you've got to make a choice, which of them are you gonna focus on? It's not going to disappear once you've made your choice, but as the future and the present opens up, the past just kind of fades away. They become just memories, not sad ones, but just has beens.
Pacman Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 In my experience. You'll never stop thinking about your ex. They we're a part of your life. You don't just forget about them. Unless you go the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind route Embrace the fact that you think about her. Then think of her banging another dude. That'll get you to stop. I keed! I Keed! But what you want to do is get to a place where when you do think of your ex - there are no feelings there. You think of her and have a smirk on your face and think to yourself, what a ride that was and I wouldn't change it all. Come to grips that what you guys have is over. Move on.
dinosaur Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 The pain doesn't go away...you just make room for it. Nah it'll go away with time like everything else. Every once in awhile you might think about them etc but you just won't care any more. Gotta give it time.
InAFog Posted September 16, 2012 Posted September 16, 2012 In my experience. You'll never stop thinking about your ex. They we're a part of your life. You don't just forget about them. Unless you go the eternal sunshine of the spotless mind route Embrace the fact that you think about her. Then think of her banging another dude. That'll get you to stop. I keed! I Keed! But what you want to do is get to a place where when you do think of your ex - there are no feelings there. You think of her and have a smirk on your face and think to yourself, what a ride that was and I wouldn't change it all. Come to grips that what you guys have is over. Move on. I think the thought of her banging another dude is a good idea. No keeding. When i think about what and who my ex has done since the BU (which i don't know, just imagine that he is) it does kind of help. Because now i do believe that he has done things that i just couldn't get past and forgive. If he is immediately out banging other chicks, it is just more proof that that is not the kind of guy i want to be with. I want morals and standards. Principles and values. Not just someone who screws to ignore feelings.
Author thinman Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 You know what brother, it gets easier once you get her off the damn pedestal you've put her on! You say you've put in all the effort yourself in making this relationship work, and in the end you've learned that it takes two to make it work right? You should have learned that by now, i hope you did. Second, she may seem like a cool chick but the fact that you say she's one of the coolest chicks you've met tells me, you've got to meet more chicks it is what it is, she wasn't that special, she may have been different from some people you've met, but there are billions of chicks out there. You say you've been socialising and all that, and it's cool, but it's pretty clear that you need to step it up. Go out more, hang out with your friends and all that. Not for the purpose of finding another chick but seeing what's out there. It's the future that's out there brother, and what you see in your dreams is the past. So you've got to make a choice, which of them are you gonna focus on? It's not going to disappear once you've made your choice, but as the future and the present opens up, the past just kind of fades away. They become just memories, not sad ones, but just has beens. This is pretty decent advice. I'll be getting drunk with some homies in the Keys this weekend, so that should help too lol. Thanks everybody!
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