Too Much Power to OP?

[MammaMia]

I see in many posts that even years after an A ( regardless of whether it was an EA or PA) the BS still has anger towards the OP.

 

So here is the question: By being angry at the OP even years later, do we give too much power to the OP ?

 

Personally, at first I was angry at the OW. But soon I realized that she is who she is: a pathetic little creature who seeks attention whichever way she can get it. What better way than to take the attention of a married man away from the spouse????? So my anger shifted to my H. I am angry at him because she 'knocked" on his door and he opened it knowingly and willingly and I have told him so on many occasions.

[Minnie09]

By focusing on someone, in anger or in any other way, we definitely give them power over us. Some people, especially after being cheated on, can't have normal thoughts for a long time, and they think in circles, obsessing over the OM/OW. That's a power loss for sure. A lot of energy gets lost doing that, but it's something we have no control over.*

 

Your anger should definitely be directed at your H. He's the one who disrespected you the most. The OW owes you little to nothing. That's how I felt when that happened to me. But I definitely obsessed quite a bit over her, I have to admit that. I wondered constantly about what she might know and think about me, whether or not she felt superior to me, or intimidated by me, or jealous or ...... fill in the blank. It was a competition in my head against someone I hardly knew. I hated it. Definitely a great waste of energy and loss of control that I couldn't shake until I finally cut my ties and divorced. As soon as I made that decision, I felt empowered after all. And I no longer care.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I say yes, don't bother with the AP. The person that matters is your spouse. If they were faithful, it wouldn't matter what other people do. My ex used to really confuse me by being so jealous whenever a girl showed interest in me, but almost seemed to encourage me to show interest in other women. To me this is completely backwards. I assumed other men would want my wife, and didn't really care. What made my blood boil is if she ever acted flirty to them. If someone cheats, it's THEIR OWN FAULT, not the OP's for seducing them. Your relationship is with your spouse, not other people. There's no way you can police the world. You can't even police your spouse. There has to be trust. If you can't achieve\rebuild that, then forget it.

[Furious]

I see in many posts that even years after an A ( regardless of whether it was an EA or PA) the BS still has anger towards the OP.

 

So here is the question: By being angry at the OP even years later, do we give too much power to the OP ?

 

Personally, at first I was angry at the OW. But soon I realized that she is who she is: a pathetic little creature who seeks attention whichever way she can get it. What better way than to take the attention of a married man away from the spouse????? So my anger shifted to my H. I am angry at him because she 'knocked" on his door and he opened it knowingly and willingly and I have told him so on many occasions.

 

 

 

 

The only thing I was angry about were the lies.

 

My husband's affair would have lasted less than a minute from being an affair to a real relationship if I had known the truth.

 

Why be in an affair if I would have stepped aside. But...he didn't want me to know, he didn't want a real relationship with the OW, he wanted the affair only, and wanted me in the dark.

 

He didn't want me to be free, to find a committed relationship with a new man. He wanted the power to choose for me, to give me a false realty.

 

As long as an affair is secret, is as long as WS has the control.

 

And as we know, a WS's biggest fear is D-day, because that's when the control shifts from them to the betrayed spouse.

 

I firmly believe that as a betrayed spouse we should show the WS the door as it slams them in the behind and reclaim the power of our own right to choose for ourselves as to our reality.

[DBella]

I'm not gonna lie, I felt angry at that OW for a while. Now I just kinda feel sorry for her. She made a total fool out of herself sending my H text mssgs about how it said in the horoscope that they were meant to be together hahaha, then she would call him a lot and wanted the whole thing to be more than just sex but in the end she was always kept in the dark and was nothing more than just a piece of ass and a little bit of entertainment. She tried very hard to be in my social scene, she also tried to go on a trip with my H, do fine dining and shopping, but she was quickly reminded of her place as the disposable, on call woman she was.

Her reputation ended up damaged, her ex-fiancee is no longer with her (yeah, she dared to cheat on her ex), a lot of ppl disrespected her in front of her face and a couple of women even wanted to beat her up, she even lost some friends and my H is no longer interested in her because she already fulfilled the sexual needs he had at the time. So yeah, I feel sorry for her for becoming so obsessed with a player like my H who only used her and never gave a crap about her.

[underwater2010]

I am only 3 months after Dday, but the anger has subsided. More that I just feel bad that he made that choice. That he will feel bad for a long time and I can do nothing to help that.

[GLDheart]

...he didn't want a real relationship with the OW, he wanted the affair only, and wanted me in the dark...

 

Passive agression of the highest potency.

[freestyle]

Passive agression of the highest potency.

 

 

Yep---a scenario like that is more likely to be about abusive control, and a need to punish, or feel powerful.

[Silly_Girl]

I don't see the AP as relevant unless she was your friend/relative.

 

My ex who cheated used to make promises like 'I'll never speak to [girl from work who he'd been secretly texting] again'. As if SHE (or whichever girl at the time) was the issue. I don't see the point in removing temptation. I needed to trust HIM.

 

I told him that I ought to feel so safe that if he was trapped in a broken lift with a group of semi-clad supermodels begging to give him head that he'd say No, because he was loyal to ME. I didn't care what options he had or who they were or how hard they came on to him, he owed me the loyalty and I needed to trust him. The rest (the other women) was just noise to me.

[waterwoman]

I was furious towards OW to start with. Could have killed her! But she was someone I knew, I regarded as a friend and had tried to support in a bad marriage. The fury towards her lasted about 2 months - then I let it go. It left me with nothing but a faint incredulity that I felt so much emotion about someone who didn't matter to me at all. I feel sorry for her rather than anything else. She has a fairly grim existence - she had a glimpse into a life with a better man whom she said she loved a great deal, and then had it taken away. But sorry for her or not, she can have no place in our lives now.

 

I can't imagine still feeling angry years later - but to paraphrase Sid the Sloth - 'I'm too lazy to carry a grudge'

[MammaMia]

'I'm too lazy to carry a grudge'

 

 

I LOVE that!!!!! What a great line.

[freestyle]

I was furious towards OW to start with. Could have killed her! But she was someone I knew, I regarded as a friend and had tried to support in a bad marriage. The fury towards her lasted about 2 months - then I let it go. It left me with nothing but a faint incredulity that I felt so much emotion about someone who didn't matter to me at all. I feel sorry for her rather than anything else. She has a fairly grim existence - she had a glimpse into a life with a better man whom she said she loved a great deal, and then had it taken away. But sorry for her or not, she can have no place in our lives now.

 

I can't imagine still feeling angry years later - but to paraphrase Sid the Sloth - 'I'm too lazy to carry a grudge'

 

 

I'm sorry you went through that--

 

I believe a period of rage & fury against the OP is absolutely justifiable, when it's someone who has a relationship to the BS (close friend, sibling)--

 

Because the AP DID owe loyalty to the BS---they are even more culpable, IMO.

[GLDheart]

The best thing I could have done was go NC. The distance heals.

 

Now as I approach 6 months, the pain is fading and along with it the anger. As soon as all emotion is gone she will then have ABSOLUTELY ZERO POWER over me.

 

Blessed indifference. How sweet it wll be.

[feelingfoolish]

I see in many posts that even years after an A ( regardless of whether it was an EA or PA) the BS still has anger towards the OP.

 

So here is the question: By being angry at the OP even years later, do we give too much power to the OP ?

 

Personally, at first I was angry at the OW. But soon I realized that she is who she is: a pathetic little creature who seeks attention whichever way she can get it. What better way than to take the attention of a married man away from the spouse????? So my anger shifted to my H. I am angry at him because she 'knocked" on his door and he opened it knowingly and willingly and I have told him so on many occasions.

 

Please don't aim your anger and frustration at the OW.

I know you're angry at your husband right now however, all I can say is think yourself lucky that you are not her, or have never been her. Oh, I would never get involved with a married man I hear you say?

Well yes, I always said that however at 40 years of age and against every bit of logic, feminist principles and common sense that I possessed, I became the OW. I used to say that if women didn't sleep with married men, then there would be no one for them to cheat on their wives/girlfriend's with right? Well, here's the other thing, sometimes it just happens and it happens fast, and to the best of us, against our better judgement, and before you know it you're the OW.

Pathetic, seeking attention? Perhaps, but no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes in their life, my MM was my mistake (although funnily I don't regret him). Having been through what I have with my MM, I certainly will never, ever do it again. In my situation the MM's wife didn't find out which was great although I'm sure she will discover her husband's indiscretions eventually, I was not his first and I'm pretty sure that I won't be his last!

 

Finally from my personal experience, being involved with a MM is a world of pain and other than the sex, there's nothing good about it, there are no pros, only cons.

Ultimately if your husband shares his life with you, is raising children with you, takes his holidays with you and sleeps next to you at night then you win! Your husband wants to be with you, not the OW and again, everyone makes mistakes, including husbands, let's not forget, their only men after all!

[beenburned]

FF,

 

I couldn't care less what my H wanted when he was cheating.(me/marriage)

 

It was my life, and I had no desire or intentions, of staying married to a cheater.

 

And I don't think your MM's wife not finding out is great.

 

If you were not his first affair, or last, that means she is unknowingly married to a serial cheater!

 

She needed that information so she is in control of how she wants her life to be.

She didn't win anything except a lying, cheating, controlling POS.

[mercy]

Please don't aim your anger and frustration at the OW.

I know you're angry at your husband right now however, all I can say is think yourself lucky that you are not her, or have never been her. Oh, I would never get involved with a married man I hear you say?

Well yes, I always said that however at 40 years of age and against every bit of logic, feminist principles and common sense that I possessed, I became the OW. I used to say that if women didn't sleep with married men, then there would be no one for them to cheat on their wives/girlfriend's with right? Well, here's the other thing, sometimes it just happens and it happens fast, and to the best of us, against our better judgement, and before you know it you're the OW.

Pathetic, seeking attention? Perhaps, but no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes in their life, my MM was my mistake (although funnily I don't regret him). Having been through what I have with my MM, I certainly will never, ever do it again. In my situation the MM's wife didn't find out which was great although I'm sure she will discover her husband's indiscretions eventually, I was not his first and I'm pretty sure that I won't be his last!

 

Finally from my personal experience, being involved with a MM is a world of pain and other than the sex, there's nothing good about it, there are no pros, only cons.

Ultimately if your husband shares his life with you, is raising children with you, takes his holidays with you and sleeps next to you at night then you win! Your husband wants to be with you, not the OW and again, everyone makes mistakes, including husbands, let's not forget, their only men after all!

 

Affairs never 'just happen'. See above in bold. ^^^ It was a choice.

 

“When it comes to the future, there are three kinds of people: those who let it happen, those who make it happen, and those who wonder what happened.”John M. Richardson, Jr.

 

I believe it's the wife left wondering.

[mercy]

FF,

 

I couldn't care less what my H wanted when he was cheating.(me/marriage)

 

It was my life, and I had no desire or intentions, of staying married to a cheater.

 

And I don't think your MM's wife not finding out is great.

 

If you were not his first affair, or last, that means she is unknowingly married to a serial cheater!

 

She needed that information so she is in control of how she wants her life to be.

She didn't win anything except a lying, cheating, controlling POS.

 

What logic is that? Win? Sounds as crazy as Charlie Sheen's WINNING slogan. Never wanted the t-shirt.

[Snowflower]

Please don't aim your anger and frustration at the OW.

I know you're angry at your husband right now however, all I can say is think yourself lucky that you are not her, or have never been her. Oh, I would never get involved with a married man I hear you say?

Well yes, I always said that however at 40 years of age and against every bit of logic, feminist principles and common sense that I possessed, I became the OW. I used to say that if women didn't sleep with married men, then there would be no one for them to cheat on their wives/girlfriend's with right? Well, here's the other thing, sometimes it just happens and it happens fast, and to the best of us, against our better judgement, and before you know it you're the OW.

Pathetic, seeking attention? Perhaps, but no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes in their life, my MM was my mistake (although funnily I don't regret him). Having been through what I have with my MM, I certainly will never, ever do it again. In my situation the MM's wife didn't find out which was great although I'm sure she will discover her husband's indiscretions eventually, I was not his first and I'm pretty sure that I won't be his last!

 

Finally from my personal experience, being involved with a MM is a world of pain and other than the sex, there's nothing good about it, there are no pros, only cons.

Ultimately if your husband shares his life with you, is raising children with you, takes his holidays with you and sleeps next to you at night then you win! Your husband wants to be with you, not the OW and again, everyone makes mistakes, including husbands, let's not forget, their only men after all!

 

This is an interesting perspective from the OW; thank you for sharing your honest viewpoint.

[mercy]

I see in many posts that even years after an A ( regardless of whether it was an EA or PA) the BS still has anger towards the OP.

 

So here is the question: By being angry at the OP even years later, do we give too much power to the OP ?

 

Personally, at first I was angry at the OW. But soon I realized that she is who she is: a pathetic little creature who seeks attention whichever way she can get it. What better way than to take the attention of a married man away from the spouse????? So my anger shifted to my H. I am angry at him because she 'knocked" on his door and he opened it knowingly and willingly and I have told him so on many occasions.

 

I just pity her.

 

Placing blame where blame is due is on the persons who committed the offense. It's almost comical to watch people run from their choices. Make them, own them.

[Snowflower]

This is an interesting thread. I had to think for awhile whether or not to post on it. I've been on this board on and off for a few years. Some of you might be familiar with my story. My H and I had a rough reconciliation. I think most people who went through what we have would have divorced by now. If not from his affair, then from all the up and down afterward.

 

Lo and behold, during one of our recent "low" times, the xOW came fishing...4 years later! Unbelievable. My H did tell me about her repeated contact and we figured out what hopefully is a permanent way to block her.

 

For the first time, I was/am really and truly p!ssed at the OW. I took the high road before and left her alone. I figured she was hurt and confused like I was and maybe she realized the error of her ways. I even gave her credit for staying away even though I figured she was confused about his abrupt change. She did some pretty low-handed stuff while in the affair: tried to buy my kids gifts for Christmas, and at d-day bought him a secret cellphone so that they could communicate with zero chance of me finding out. Yeah, she was pretty calculating. I let it all go though.

 

Now, nearly 4 years later she contacts him again? I don't know what I ever did to this woman (which is absolutely nothing) to make her want to intrude in my life again after everything and all this time.

 

I pretty much want to rip into her but I won't. I don't want to get into that snake pit where she dwells.

[AnotherRound]

I was mad at my exH's OW for a minute. Then, I realized, I was WAY more mad at my exH. I didn't pity her, or hate her... I didn't feel anything about her or towards her. I called her on the phone to verify the A, she didn't admit it, but I knew. And that was it. I was done with her, lol. I confronted my exH, he denied, denied, denied... we got divorced. That was it, the whole story. I didn't stalk her, or obsess about her... nothing. I honestly didn't feel anything about her. I did harbor a lot of anger at my exH for several years after that, but it dissipated too after a while.

 

It's unhealthy to have hatred towards anyone for an extended period of time. It does nothing but waste your energy and resources. You aren't hurting the object of your anger by being angry with them, they probably have no idea (even if they did, probably wouldn't care) that you hate them. So, it's a pointless thing, imo.

 

As a former BS, and a former OW, I can honestly say this, nobody needs to pity me or feel sorry for me bc I was the OW. I am just a regular woman like they are. I have a family, friends, a professional career... I have all the daily struggles that they have, and I have the same support systems and live the same type of lives that they do. I have children in my life that love me, and people who choose to be my friend and love me. I'm not pathetic, or alone/lonely, or devastated bc I was an OW for a while in this life. It doesn't make me "unhuman", lol.

 

Nobody ever promised that life would be easy, and love certainly isn't easy, or black and white. In this world, we meet a lot of people in our lives, and there are bound to be some issues among all those people. I wasn't with a MM bc I couldn't find SGs, I didn't want what someone else had or their life (I like my life!). I just met someone that I was drawn to in a way that doesn't happen very often, and I weighed it out, and made my choice. I did think of exMMs wife often, and I didn't feel sorry for her either. And I don't think she would have wanted me to feel sorry for her! I felt bad that there were 2 people in a relationship that had broken down and that I was in a relationship with one of those people, bc I think it's sad that people stay where they are unhappy. No matter their circumstances, I believe that everyone deserves happiness and to be in relationships where they are truly fulfilled.

 

It would be nice if everyone could make the "right" decisions every time a choice presented itself, but that is pretty unrealistic considering the complications that life has most of the time. We all do the best we can with what we have at the time, and hope for the best. It's no different when it comes to marriages, or As.

 

I am sad to see so many people with so much anger, resentment, and hurt on these boards. I think it's sad that so many people seem to focus on what has been done to them instead of what they can now do for their own happiness, and that instead of seeing that this is an opportunity to look at their life authentically and re-evaluate it, they see it as debilitating. I hope that those people find peace, and happiness, and realize that we only control ourselves, and that these are the chances we take when we enter into ANY relationship, that the other person may not always make good decisions and we may be hurt, but that we can continue to love and live and learn. And it's all part of it. Every experience, bad or good, brings us right to where we are, at this very moment... and each and every one of them was necessary to get us to that point. If you changed one single solitary thing, you would not be the person you are right this moment. You can be sad about that, or you can see it as a gift that you are exactly where you are supposed to be, and learning exactly what you are supposed to be learning.

[AnotherRound]

This is an interesting thread. I had to think for awhile whether or not to post on it. I've been on this board on and off for a few years. Some of you might be familiar with my story. My H and I had a rough reconciliation. I think most people who went through what we have would have divorced by now. If not from his affair, then from all the up and down afterward.

 

Lo and behold, during one of our recent "low" times, the xOW came fishing...4 years later! Unbelievable. My H did tell me about her repeated contact and we figured out what hopefully is a permanent way to block her.

 

For the first time, I was/am really and truly p!ssed at the OW. I took the high road before and left her alone. I figured she was hurt and confused like I was and maybe she realized the error of her ways. I even gave her credit for staying away even though I figured she was confused about his abrupt change. She did some pretty low-handed stuff while in the affair: tried to buy my kids gifts for Christmas, and at d-day bought him a secret cellphone so that they could communicate with zero chance of me finding out. Yeah, she was pretty calculating. I let it all go though.

 

Now, nearly 4 years later she contacts him again? I don't know what I ever did to this woman (which is absolutely nothing) to make her want to intrude in my life again after everything and all this time.

 

I pretty much want to rip into her but I won't. I don't want to get into that snake pit where she dwells.

 

Well, I can't blame you on that one! You and your H reconciled, and she should stay away, for sure. And I'm glad that your H is being so honest and open with you about it all, that is so necessary in a reconciliation. But I think you're right, I wouldn't engage with her either. How did she try to contact him? If it was something easy, like email, maybe have your H shoot her back a simple, "Leave us alone". You didn't do anything to her, but she obviously is still interested in him on some level? That's a long time for her not to have gotten over it.

[frozensprouts]

i think a lot of the words expressed on here aren't hate as much as they are pain, anger and self protection speaking...

 

there are other/men women out there who are predatory and seem to lack a conscience...the woman my husband got involved with was like that. she'd pretend to be my friend, sympathizing with me over the rough things in my life, then use the things I told her against me. she'd tell my husband I sounded like an awful person, who was terrible to him, etc.

 

She's was like this not just with my husband, but pretty much any married guy she comes across. She did the same sort of thing with the husband of a friend of mine, and then another...it's affected her work and her whole life. She's like that in other areas of her life as well ( she seems to fit the description of histrionic personality disorder to a T...I'm saying that as a layperson) she's overly dramatic, has substance abuse issues, threatens to hurt herself when forced to face the consequences of her behavior etc....the whole situation is quite sad, as she doesn't seem like a happy person...always looking for something to fill in the wound in her soul that can never be filled...I don't think she's the way she is because she wants to be...it's just who and what she is

 

do I hate her? no. I pity her. I don't hate her anymore than I would hate a wasp that stung me or a spider that bit me. They're just doing what they do and being true to their nature...mind you, that wouldn't mean I'd just sit there and let myself be hurt...I'd be getting out the flyswatter and can of Raid .

 

I don't hate her, I do feel bad for her, but that didn't mean i was going to simply sit back and put up with her [email protected] any of this had happened if I knew she was hurting i would have tried to help her ( even tried to help her even after she hurt me...even after all that she still kept trying to mess up my life)...but that only goes so far...and once she started affecting my kids with her behavior, all bets were off...

 

 

I'm talking about her behavior here...trust me, I know my husband's role in the whole thing ( believe me, he's owned his role in the whole thing and worked really, really hard on himself...it wasn't easy, and he's got the hours of therapy , counseling, reprimands, lectures from my mom and dad and his sister's ,etc. that show how hard he worked)

[ComingInHot]

OW had the power to contact me to out the affair that had been over at that point for almost a year. She had the wherewithal/power to continue contacting me under different email names and was able to figure out my ever changing ones. But (I love the "buts"*) Power over me? Not so much. I attained from her what I felt relevant to me and my marriage then let her do her thing. Did it hurt? Sometimes and whole lot but I didn't allow my anger to take over. When I felt anger I quickly identified the source and let it out asap so as not to interfere with my life and marriage. * it's other things that I think about that coming here seems to answer I guess

[MammaMia]

Feeling foolish: You wrote:

 

Pathetic, seeking attention? Perhaps, but no one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes in their life.

 

You also mentioned that I am angry at a stranger. She is no stranger, dear. She is not a friend but she is someone I know from H's circles. She has a reputation of hitting on men and whoever bites the bait. Unfortunately mine did even though he knew all about her.

When I said that she is an attention seeker, it is true. She wants attention, negative or positive and she will do whatever to get it. She also feels entitled to everything. I know this woman. Trust me. I am NOT happy H fell for her fake charm and compliments. The fact that he was fooled by HER, that is what made me angry at first.

She is definitely NOT perfect and 99.9% of the friends in their social circle would tell you the same. I knew of her reputation before I even knew who she was. The things I heard were not flattering; they were all about men she had made a pass on. Some had taken the bait others had not. Again: sadly, mine took the bait.

So, feeling foolish, I do know what I am talking about, it is not a mere guess on my part.