PHX0215 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Well a good friend of mine recently saw a wedding announcement for her xMM. They had been NC for years but would never leave his wife while they were together but obviously over time he did divorce. This got me thinking how many of your MM/xMM have left their wives (even after the affair might have ended)? And if so how long after your affair ended? My MM says he will never leave his wife because of their child but I think in time he will realize that staying for a child only isnt a marriage.
SecretFlower Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 ^^ My x-MM was left by his wife about a year after our affair ended which was nearly 4 (?) years ago. From what I understand, aka what he told me, when she got pregnant and they had a baby he realized he couldn't continue to live a lie so he told her that he had been cheating on for years. She left him shortly after and they've been divorced for several years.
AnotherRound Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Well a good friend of mine recently saw a wedding announcement for her xMM. They had been NC for years but would never leave his wife while they were together but obviously over time he did divorce. This got me thinking how many of your MM/xMM have left their wives (even after the affair might have ended)? And if so how long after your affair ended? My MM says he will never leave his wife because of their child but I think in time he will realize that staying for a child only isnt a marriage. It wasn't long after I ended the A with my exMM that the marriage fell apart, less than a year. He entered into what I consider an exit affair a few months after I ended it with him. He was pushing the limits severely and literally just having a gf without any attempt to keep it out of his wife's face, so to say. They began divorce proceedings about 10 months after I ended it with him, and are in that process now. He and I had very little contact in all this time, but I do think that me ending the A caused him to become even more unhappy as I wasn't there to patch up the gaps any longer for them. Eventually, imo, if someone is having a LT A, the marriage will crumble. A ONS is different, in that it doesn't force the married couple to look at the issues, whereas a LT A absolutely does, and especially shines a bright light on the flaws in the marriage relationship for the couple. My exMM has contacted me now and is asking for a chance to be with me. We haven't pursued anything as of yet, as he is still in the process of divorcing, and may even be somewhat willing to reconcile still at this point (with some changes from the wife and in the marriage). So, not sure how it will end up at this point. I have heard a lot of stories about an OW staying through the divorce process and the MM then deciding to be with someone else after all is said and done. Not sure what that stems from, other than maybe how wrapped up in the divorce stuff the OW may have been, as I think that makes it hard to move on to something different, as it will always be a reminder of the A and the unhappy marriage and the divorce. How did your friend handle the news? I'm sure that she had some sort of emotional reaction, even at this point. I hope that she is doing well.
Author PHX0215 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 How did your friend handle the news? I'm sure that she had some sort of emotional reaction, even at this point. I hope that she is doing well. She texted saying it caught her off guard and more emotional than she thought it would. She has since remarried and even has a new LO but I can imagine her emotions are high.
Author PHX0215 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 They began divorce proceedings about 10 months after I ended it with him, and are in that process now. He and I had very little contact in all this time, but I do think that me ending the A caused him to become even more unhappy as I wasn't there to patch up the gaps any longer for them. Eventually, imo, if someone is having a LT A, the marriage will crumble. A ONS is different, in that it doesn't force the married couple to look at the issues, whereas a LT A absolutely does, and especially shines a bright light on the flaws in the marriage relationship for the. I agree with this. My MM has specifically stated that the affair gave him a reason to stay as I provide what is missing from marriage. Part of me thinks walk away and see what happens. This is only way for him to realize what he truely wants.
SecretFlower Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Bentnotbroken, I agree...I think sometimes, at least in my mm's case, the guilt finally caught up with him and he couldn't keep it together anymore.
sad puppy Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Yes, I said it was all over and walked. I knew that affairs make it "easier" for these guys to stay married. He then began the "divorce" conversation, within a few weeks. Then, he "confessed", because his wife wanted to know why he wanted to move things along so quickly. Then the **** hit the fan. Drama. Trauma. He moved out. This all occured within one month's time. 4 months into his physical separation, I walked out. For good. He should be getting a divorce any day now. By the time he finally moved out, I was so fed up. He was a coward, dragging his feet, didn't want to "lose all he had worked for". Blah, blah. I just was at the end of my rope by the time he finally moved out, and then his ensuing emotions & confusion, I just said "later". I suspect he may be getting a soaking in his divorce as his wife never worked except for some pitiful part-time job, she also never: paid the bills, cleaned the house, had a garden, volunteered, ... SHE DID NOTHING, and both the kids were in school full time. So, I believe she had herself set up pretty good to get a nice big fat payout for many, many years to come. I think he may have had to refi the house just in his name, which the wife & kids are living in, because of course, she could never qualify for a mortgage on her own. Well, I guess when you sit on your ass for twenty years, even with a Master's degree, no bank would consider you loan worthy. Pitiful. What this means, however, to him is that for at least 7 years (until last kid goes away to college) he will not be able to purchase property because his salary can't afford to hold down another loan. Haha. Apartment living for him, for years to come. Until he's 60 years old. Nice. Too bad. I have a serious book of assets and even with his reduced salary, we could have had a very nice life together. Well, he dawdled around, and I began to really see who he was - cheater, liar, capable of huge betrayal, ... Just didn't ultimately feel I could really trust, respect, or admire him. So, here's the lesson: yes, your affair IS making it easier for him to stay married. Make your demands heard and walk out. He will either get it together. Or not. Be prepared: even if they leave, it is NOT smooth sailing. It is no guarantee you will be together. Separations are difficult, divorces with mortgages, children, assets, ... take time to unwind. So, truly, it takes a long time. The main thing is - do you really want to be with a man for the long haul that you know is a coward, a cheater, a liar? Do you? I didn't. Start thinking about what is best for you, start getting clear. What may be best for you may NOT be your AP. Read the stories from the BSs where their spouses continually cheat, over and over. Ugh. Who needs it? 3
Got it Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 We were both married when the EMR started. We both have divorced and are now planning our wedding.
Mino Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 mine did after 6 years A, we are together 8 years. 1
BetrayedH Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 What is an EMR? Extra Marital Relationship
Radagast Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 (edited) In my case, I left my ex-wife and married my affair partner. We have been happily married now for years, and I have never felt a single instant's regret about leaving my ex-wife. Edited September 17, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Deleted reference/response to off topic post 1
Silly_Girl Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 My exMM left his wife - we'd split up because he had chickened out of leaving previously, and I started seeing someone else. That's when he left. It would have been better all round on everyone if he'd done it sooner and he got a lot of grief from his wife (and me), not for meeting me, not for falling in love, not for leaving, but for how long he lied and wasted her time.
Radagast Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I really don't understand the OW mentality. If you're going to start out as one, don't stay one! Why should the MM leave his wife when the OW is right there giving him all the the sex he wants. Some OW give MM sex and they aren't even seperated and are still sleeping with their wives. I find that disgusting. You women don't know when you're being used? After you've had the emotional affair, (if that's what you're going to do), make sure he falls in love with you, then give him some sex, but don't keep doing it! If he's not leaving his wife, why would an OW keep giving him sex?? He's sleeping with her, then he's sleeping with you. He's ejaculating into her, then he comes around and does it in you. Three of you are sharing bodily fluids. That's just plain nasty. Why would any self-respecting woman allow that?? In a situation like this, what incentive does the married man have to leave his wife? I can't speak for your particular situation since I don't know your story, but to correct a misperception, not all married men are having sex with their wives and their girlfriends. Some of us including myself had ceased having sex with our wives before we became physically intimate with our girlfriends. Not everybody feels as strongly as you do about sexual exclusivity though. Open marriages, polyamory and polygamous marriages all feature non-exclusive sexual practices, and those participants do not consider it "nasty", nor do they necessarily lack self-respect. It might not work for you but if it works between consenting adults, that surely is their choice. 2
canuckprincess Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 We were both married when the EMR started. We both have divorced and are now planning our wedding. Congrats, I hope you have a long happy life together
canuckprincess Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 It is very convenient and reassuring for the betrayed to believe this. And in some cases it may be true, but in many it is not. Some stay for reasons beyond which woman they would prefer to be with, and may well want their affair partner even if they don't leave to be with them. The affair, or the longing, may simply go underground. In my case, I left my ex-wife and married my affair partner. We have been happily married now for years, and I have never felt a single instant's regret about leaving my ex-wife. How long were you married to your ex wife for and how long were you in the affair before you decided what you wanted. I believe the length of the affair has alot to do with the over all outcome. Did you and your then ap go underground and if so for how long? And were you scared to leave the ex wife and start new?
Radagast Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 How long were you married to your ex wife for and how long were you in the affair before you decided what you wanted. I believe the length of the affair has alot to do with the over all outcome. Did you and your then ap go underground and if so for how long? And were you scared to leave the ex wife and start new? Without wishing to thread jack, on the off-chance that it might be relevant, I'll answer briefly. I was married to my ex-wife for about 30 years. The affair ran for about three years before we decided and then another couple of months after I'd told my ex-wife my intentions, to tie up loose ends to leave. No the affair was never underground. Yes like anyone I had fears about leaving, beforehand. Not for myself really, more for my children. My ex-wife and I had previously been separated (a few years before, before my affair, at her instigation) and my children had really suffered during that time (as had my ex-wife). I had been fine, happy, during the separation but I was distressed by how badly the children had been affected, and so when my ex-wife begged me to take her back I did. So I was afraid of a repeat of that, mostly. And also a small bit afraid that I was in some kind of "fog" that would clear when I was actually living full-time with my girlfriend, because I could not believe that something that good could be true. Time proved me wrong on both counts but I think anyone contemplating a change of that magnitude must experience some measure of fear. 4
canuckprincess Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 Without wishing to thread jack, on the off-chance that it might be relevant, I'll answer briefly. I was married to my ex-wife for about 30 years. The affair ran for about three years before we decided and then another couple of months after I'd told my ex-wife my intentions, to tie up loose ends to leave. No the affair was never underground. Yes like anyone I had fears about leaving, beforehand. Not for myself really, more for my children. My ex-wife and I had previously been separated (a few years before, before my affair, at her instigation) and my children had really suffered during that time (as had my ex-wife). I had been fine, happy, during the separation but I was distressed by how badly the children had been affected, and so when my ex-wife begged me to take her back I did. So I was afraid of a repeat of that, mostly. And also a small bit afraid that I was in some kind of "fog" that would clear when I was actually living full-time with my girlfriend, because I could not believe that something that good could be true. Time proved me wrong on both counts but I think anyone contemplating a change of that magnitude must experience some measure of fear. Thank you for your response, restores my faith that anything is possible.
shaken_not_stirred Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I believe most wh's won't leave until they are forced to. Also a bs who knows about the affair will look the other way for as long as possible. Here's my thought if you know your spouse is cheating on you why not agree to a open marriage that way they no longer have to lie. Lets face it if there still together a year after dday 1 what the hell makes you think they will stop after dday2 or 3 or 10. If they can get away with it they will continue forever. My mm's dday 1 was a year or so ago and we're still together I know he lies to us both to avoid the fighting. She won't give him up and neither will I. The only difference is he's not betraying me every minute of everyday cause I know he goes home to his bs everyday.I know they have sex from time to time, and I know he still loves her but I also know he can't and won't lose me. It's pretty sad when you think about it, I'm just glad there are no children involved, that would make it extra hard. If his bs could stop placing all the blame on me for a few minutes she would be able to see clearly. On TAM the talk about "the fog" I think the only one is a fog is the poor bs after dday 1 and the fog just gets thicker after that. Don't think for a moment that I'm clueless and to what goes on at home between them. I'm sure everytime she triggers he comforts her, I know this because I have told him to. Here's the kicker, If anything happened to his wife I wouldn't know what to do. You see I don't hate her, I actually feel very sad for what were doing to her. I care about her because he does. Someday I hope she knows that I never did this to hurt her. I saw the two of them today in a store and I wanted to go over hug him and say hi to her, I feel like I already know her. I settled with blowing him a kiss and he gave me a big smile and a little wave when she wasn't looking. I must admit it was a bit of a rush, yet a bit scary cause I wouldn't want her to trigger in the store if she saw me. Makes me sad to say they looked ok together, not happy but not sad either. I strongly believe if I forced him to choose between us, he would choose me. Not because he loves me more but because I make him feel alive. Wow it felt great to get this off my chest. I feel bad talking about my mm to my friends cause they all say the same thing. They say dump his a$$ you can do much better, but I love him. We complete each other.
carhill Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 This got me thinking how many of your MM/xMM have left their wives (even after the affair might have ended)? And if so how long after your affair ended? My anecdote is yes, proactively. IIRC, exMW/OW chose to remain with her BF and end our association around five months after we filed and about a year before the D was final legally.
obladi Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 I read here sometimes but been doing so good I havnt needed to post, but this is like your asking a question just for me. I had a 3 year affiar and a dday. Then yep I was too chicken to man up and we went undergrond for about 6 months. Finaly my girlfirend contacted my wife and mailed her copies of pics and letters and stuff so she found out again. I was real mad at her for doing that, stayed mad copule weeks but know what? in the end it was the best thing. Wife kicked me out and I moved in with girlfriend. Been with her now almost 2 yrs and happy, now divorced. Funnyt hing is my ex recently said to me that it was maybe the best thing ever for her when she got that stuff from my gf, she glad she know the truth and is moving on to happier place. Im glad gf had the guts to do what I probly never woud have done myself. Worked out perfect. 4
Recovering_Wayward Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 It happens, but statistics say that it's rare. I didn't
canuckprincess Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 (edited) I read here sometimes but been doing so good I havnt needed to post, but this is like your asking a question just for me. I had a 3 year affiar and a dday. Then yep I was too chicken to man up and we went undergrond for about 6 months. Finaly my girlfirend contacted my wife and mailed her copies of pics and letters and stuff so she found out again. I was real mad at her for doing that, stayed mad copule weeks but know what? in the end it was the best thing. Wife kicked me out and I moved in with girlfriend. Been with her now almost 2 yrs and happy, now divorced. Funnyt hing is my ex recently said to me that it was maybe the best thing ever for her when she got that stuff from my gf, she glad she know the truth and is moving on to happier place. Im glad gf had the guts to do what I probly never woud have done myself. Worked out perfect. First off I'm glad everything worked out for all 3 of you. Are you saying that your ex wife didn't know about the continued affair? How is that possible? Give your ex wife alittle credit, she knew it was still going on. Edited September 18, 2012 by canuckprincess
canuckprincess Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 This is what I don't understand, if he loves you shaken, why won't he leave his wife for you? You said that are no kids involved here. Why are you putting up with this? Why are you letting him cake eat? I'm letting it continue because just like his bs I'm very much in love with him. He also tells me what I need and want to hear. 1
Cabin Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Some MM do leave - my AP did leave and we are moving forward with our lives together.
obladi Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 First off I'm glad everything worked out for all 3 of you. Are you saying that your ex wife didn't know about the continued affair? How is that possible? Give your ex wife alittle credit, she knew it was still going on. She never knew. Id tell her stuff like had to work late, going to a meeting, playing ball with pals, you know.If she'd known she'd of kicked me out before instead of not till my gf send her the evidents. She trusted me too much but yeah its best this way now. 1
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