naomii Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Ive known a guy over 2 years. This past year weve become really close. He went through a nasty breakup with a girl over a year ago that hes still bitter about even though they only dated 3 months. She left him for someone else. The girl before that also cheated on him, but that was over 4 years ago.* Hes also having problems financially. Hes lost his job twice this year and seems to have no direction on where hes going in his life because the career he wanted to do is not possible now (which is his own fault). He claims to not want a relationship until he gets his life together. He feels like hes still young (hes 24) and cant give 100% to a relationship right now.* But while hes claiming to not want a relationship, hes dragging me along. He knows that i love him and want to be with him. Everytime we get closer, he'll distance himself from me for a week or so, then come back like nothing happened (no hes not seeing anyone else). I can genuinely tell he cares about me but isnt fit for a relationship. Hes not using me for sex as we rarely have it, if we do its when i initate it. Weve pretty much cut that part out of our lives since hes not ready for a relationship (it was his choice). But yet we still sleep in the same bed, he holds me all night, holds my hand. He brings me around his friends, we talk about everything. Hes told me he doesnt want me to move on but he knows he cant give me what i want and wouldnt hold it against me if i do, yet he wont really give me the opportunity to because he still wants me in his life. If i back off, he chases after me. Im tired of the back and forth. I know hes having a hard time in life right now but i also feel like he wont commit because ive always just been there. He doesnt have to worry about me going anywhere. I feel like i have to really try to move on and show him that im not gonna wait on him anymore before he'll give me what i need. What should i do? Its killing me emotionally and the thought of losing him for good scares me, but im not happy and its effecting my everyday life.*
TaraMaiden Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You're his FWB. And you're going along with it. While you want more, he doesn't, but while you're doing all the hard work, he's not going to stop you. he has everything he needs from you, with no effort. You have nothing you want from him, although you hope sheer persistence will break down the barriers... but you know this is unlikely. So the way it's going, seems to be his set plan: for as long as you keep giving it up, he'll keep lapping it up. "If it ain't broke - why fix it?" 1
Author naomii Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 Yes i realize this. So if i stop giving will it possibly change things? Or is it hopeless?
SmileFace Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Dont stop with the expectation of him changing. Stop since this isn't fair to you. Do yourself a favor and move on. He may run after but you need to chase someone who is deserving of you. People only treat you how you allow them too. Good luck! 1
InJest Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Just tell him you're moving on, and if he wants a committed relationship with you then he should give you a call, otherwise he shouldn't contact you. Don't respond to any contact from him unless he is wanting to give a relationship a try. Don't fall for any whining about him not being in the right place or he's in a ****ty life situation. Tell him that you accept him with all of those things, and if he can't commit to you, then you want no further contact. 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Yes i realize this. So if i stop giving will it possibly change things? Or is it hopeless? You never had a chance to begin with, he's just stringing you along...he's getting something out of it without having to give you much, the excuses are holding you at bay and you actually think he's confused...confused about what? He already knows, it isn't going to change...stop making a fool for yourself, he prob needs you...just not as his GF, expecting it to change is blind hope and denial. 1
Author naomii Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 I didnt say hes confused. I said hes not wanting a relationship with not just me, with anyone. To say i never had a chance? Every situation is unique. Hes taking advantage of the fact that i put up with being just a FWB. Hes not forced to do more so why would he? If i stop being at his beck and call, he MAY change his mind. But ill probably be moved on by then. Thanks for the very insensitive response.
spiderowl Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Sorry but it sounds like he's still attached to one of his former girlfriends and therefore emotionally unavailable to you, or he's gay. He enjoys your company and wants a nice friend to talk to, but he isn't building a physical relationship with you. This guy is offering you very little and you deserve more. Don't accept these crumbs, which are on his terms. A relationship should be on both your terms with both of your major needs for love, recognition and security being met. He's just never going to get there. I know it's hard when he seems the only one you want: I also know the fear of not finding anyone else who is as good. But you deserve someone who gives himself entirely, not what this guy has to offer. The minute you realise that you deserve better, things will change for you generally. In what way, we don't know yet, but that deep-down decision will open new doors for you.
ja123 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I didnt say hes confused. I said hes not wanting a relationship with not just me, with anyone. To say i never had a chance? Every situation is unique. Hes taking advantage of the fact that i put up with being just a FWB. Hes not forced to do more so why would he? If i stop being at his beck and call, he MAY change his mind. But ill probably be moved on by then. Thanks for the very insensitive response. I think that he has too much going on in his life right now for a relationship, and he's told you that. He had a break-up, lost 2 jobs, isn't in the career he wants to be in. He only has enough energy to give to himself right now. Sure, he's going to want to cuddle with you and hold your hand sometimes. He's probably lonely. He's probably scared sh*tless about how he's going to get his life on track. On the later point, he doesn't like feeling that , no one does, but it's particularly difficult for men as they need to feel a certain degree of self-actualization before they're anywhere near ready to making a commitment. Of course, he wouldn't want to admit to how he's feeling, but he's probably feeling some shame, too; and the only way he's going to being able to work through that is to start doing what he loves and being successful. Then, he'll feel proud of himself ... then he'll be ready for a relationship. The timing is not right. I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with you. But, I do think that you should move on, so that you can get your needs met. To move on, you'll need a clean break from him, I'm afraid. He clearly can't do anything more than a FWB, right now; and you can't do that because you are too attached.
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