El Dudarino Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Hi. I'm male, 37, been married for 15 years. I'll probably talk about my marriage later but I have something else I really need to talk about now. You know how some people say that they feel a certain age on the inside no matter how old they get? My W says she feels 25, and I always thought I felt about 25, too. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I realized that I'm not 25 on the inside. I'm 21, and I'm curled up in a ball sobbing. A little history: My W and I met when we were 16 and took things way too fast - long story for a different post. By the time I was 20 I did not want to be with my WTB at all. I had tried to break up several times but she was always able to talk/scream/cry me into giving in and staying. I had not initaiated contact in probably a year; she always had to call me, invite me out, and pay for anything we did. The story: At about this time I met a woman at a martial arts class that I was taking. She was 19, I was 20. She was a cute, petite Asian woman, which was my fantasy at the time. She was very flirty with me and eventually asked if I'd like to go with her and her friends to celebrate her birthday. This was early December. I went, we exchanged phone numbers and started talking a lot. I felt like I could tell her anything. I poured my heart out to her. She asked if I wanted to spend Christmas together - alone - and I jumped at the chance. I wanted to do the right thing and broke up with my WTB the next day. We had sex that Christmas - I couldn't climax, in fact I never could with her. She wrote me a letter the next day telling me that she was not in a place where she could have a relationship and that she would just end up hurting me and enjoying it. I wish I had taken that letter seriously, but I was projecting an ideal woman onto her and I didn't want to see anything else. She did everything that letter threatened and worse. We lasted about two months - two of the most confusing, chaotic months of my life. One day she would tell me about the other men she was having sex with, the next day she would tell me she loved me. She would tell me deeply personal things and then act like it never happened or that it didn't matter. I told myself that she was being honest about who she was and what she was doing and that I could handle it, but it tore me apart. I couldn't even comprehend that she would intentionally hurt me even though she had basically spelled it out. I finally woke up enough to break it off. I stopped initiating contact and refused to see her. The last time we spoke, she called asking me to come over saying that there was someone outside her window. I told her to call the police. She kept asking me to come over and I eventually hung up. She called back a few minutes later; I told her again to call the cops, hung up, and took my phone off the hook. I went NC after that. We worked near each other for another year and I would occasionally see her but we wouldn't speak. It tore at me every time I saw her. So here I am, 16 years later. Sometimes I go weeks or months without thinking about her, then it all just rushes in and hits me like a train. I've spent my life running from this pain. I have some serious problems with addiction - I'm clean and almost dry now but on any given day it's a pretty close thing. I married a woman that I don't love because she was safe, fathered her child, bought and lost a house, went bankrupt. I've made an absolute mess of my life and I'm afraid my kid's going to pay for it. I'm on antidepressants; I've tried talking about this in IC, but I'm a pretty reserved guy with some rather deep trust issues so it hasn't gone very well. W has always maintained that I had cheated on her, to the point where she asked my permission to have a revenge PA a few years back (she was already in an EA with him at the time, although I didn't know there was such a thing then); I've never felt like I could talk about this with her, and I've had little success when I've tried. I feel so lost. I feel like I still love her. I know she hurt me deliberately and that she isn't worth my love. Shouldn't I be angry? If she walked up to me today and asked me to take her back, all these years later, I don't know if I could say no. What is wrong with me? How do I work through this? I've broken down crying twice while writing this. I feel better after typing this out than I have in years. I think I just needed to tell this to somebody. I'm stuck on how to move forward with this, any advice would be appreciated.
fallenheart Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Damn........Asian pussy is one hell of a drug. Thar chick is the WORST though.....I'm thinking of a very specific word. Rhymes with "hunt."
Sameold Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 It sounds like your current relationship isn't working for you or your wife. For her to ask you for an affair is outrageous and to be honest I wouldnt be surprised if she isn't already sleeping with the guy. It sounds like you want to be single and so does your wife, have you considered separating? Then you could both move on as you wish to find new partners.
maya.arrow Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 hey, i'm a half asian female--and although i am not that girl you knew a long time ago, i am going to step in and represent. that girl did not give a CRAP about you if she treated you like that. and dude, it sounds like you are trapped. i've known quite a few guys like you--friends of mine--and this is my advice. the problem is not your infatuation with this long-ago affair, the problem is that you are not happy. you are in a loveless marriage, you don't like yourself, and you cling to this fantasy woman who doesn't even sound very nice. she sounds like she liked the attention you gave her, but nothing else. you deserve more than that. #1--you should start seeing a therapist. find one who offers rates on a sliding scale if you can't afford it. believe me, it was the best thing i ever did. i always felt fairly intelligent and self-aware, so i never thought therapy could tell me something i didn't know about myself. i was wrong. therapy is a COMMITMENT to finding new ways of coping and finding acceptance of who you are. even the most intelligent and self-aware people sometimes lack the coping skills to deal with the stress they carry. and why should they? how can you develop skills without experience? and how many of us have experience with intense grief? #2--you have to be honest with yourself about the state of your marriage. DON'T stay together for your kid. speaking from experience, a child living in an unhappy household is far more likely to be damaged than having to deal with divorce. I used to BEG my parents to divorce. i would have much rather had two happy and separate parents than the unhappy ones that stayed together "for the kids". #3--start working on yourself. figure out what makes you happy, what you like to do, and start investing in it. good luck--you don't have to live this life!
darkmoon Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 (edited) middle-aged as she now is, the girl you recall is most likely to be unrecognisable now, her visage lost in the midst of time, enjoy the memory but do get real Edited September 13, 2012 by darkmoon 1
Author El Dudarino Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Thanks, Sameold and maya.arrow. I agree with everything you've said. I plan to go into more detail about my marriage in another post but to your points the only thing really keeping me is that my W has a number of medical conditions. It's bad enough that at 37 she is on disability. She can't hold a full time job and without my medical insurance I don't know how she would survive. I asked for a divorce two years ago and this was the only thing that kept me from going through with it. I'm thinking of a very specific word. Rhymes with "hunt." She was short, but I don't think I'd call her a runt
Author El Dudarino Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 middle-aged as she now is, the girl you recall is most likely to be unrecognisable now, her visage lost in the midst of time, enjoy the memory but do get real Well, fate made that part easy on me. Every few years I would wonder where she ended up and Google her. I never found anything until a few years ago I found a record of what I believe is her death certificate. It's has her birth date with a slightly different name that would be completely in character for her (she had changed her name once before) and it's in the state where her mother lived. She would have been 25 when it was issued. It was a tough thing to see (I mean, I was hoping for a MySpace page or something) but I've come to find some relief knowing for certain that I'll never see or hear from her again.
Mr Scorpio Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I plan to go into more detail about my marriage in another post but to your points the only thing really keeping me is that my W has a number of medical conditions. It's bad enough that at 37 she is on disability. She can't hold a full time job and without my medical insurance I don't know how she would survive. I asked for a divorce two years ago and this was the only thing that kept me from going through with it. What interests me is that you didn't mention the above in your original post, wherein you asked for advice on how to move forward. It seemed from your original post that you were grappling with memories of an idealized woman. Yet... I never found anything until a few years ago I found a record of what I believe is her death certificate. It was a tough thing to see (I mean, I was hoping for a MySpace page or something) but I've come to find some relief knowing for certain that I'll never see or hear from her again. So, I'm interpreting your question on "how to move forward" as "should I stay with my wife". Having never been married or having had a relationship nearly as long as yours, my advice is salty. I don't think you've provided enough information one way or another for a stranger to say one way or the other whether or not you should leave the relationship. What is clear however is that you are not happy. The question is what decision(s) will bring you the most happiness. Leaving a relationship which you haven't wanted in a long time will provide a degree of freedom which will bring you happiness. Conversely you may experience strong feelings of guilt. On the other hand, staying in the relationship will allow you to avoid any feelings of guilt for "abandoning" your partner. But will it produce happiness in-and-of itself? Do you think you would experience happiness by staying in the relationship because of the relationship? I think that is an important question, because whether or not you derive pleasure from the relationship, if you stay in it, you may struggle with the "what if". If your wife makes you happy, then you don't have to worry about "what if". Finally, what is it that has you taking the anti-depressants? How long have you been taking them? How many times have you gone on/off them? Has your marriage been a "push-pull" of mini-breakups and high-drama?
Author El Dudarino Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 What interests me is that you didn't mention the above in your original post, wherein you asked for advice on how to move forward. It seemed from your original post that you were grappling with memories of an idealized woman. Yet... ... So, I'm interpreting your question on "how to move forward" as "should I stay with my wife". Having never been married or having had a relationship nearly as long as yours, my advice is salty. I don't think you've provided enough information one way or another for a stranger to say one way or the other whether or not you should leave the relationship. Well, I was trying to keep this from turning into my complete autobiography - my relationship with my wife spans 21 years. That's going to be a long post in and of itself. "Should I stay with my wife" is a question that I have, but not what I was trying to address here. This is more of a "How do I stop obsessing over events that happened almost half my life ago." I realize that leaving my wife may be part of the answer, but even if I were single I still don't know how to work through this. Finally, what is it that has you taking the anti-depressants? How long have you been taking them? How many times have you gone on/off them? Has your marriage been a "push-pull" of mini-breakups and high-drama? Clinical depression. I've been on them since I quit smoking pot, about ten years now. I was barely able to get up and go to work and when I would come home I couldn't do anything but sit on the couch. I've had my dosage adjusted a few times but never gone off them completely. Our marriage was very high drama until we had a kid and bought a house. My W pushed very hard for those things and as part of agreeing I made her handle all of the household finances (we had screaming fights weekly over money and I refused to deal with that and the extra burden of a kid and a house) and I pretty much disconnected at that point. I'm working on a post with (a lot) more detail, I'll post a link here when I have it up.
jennysimpson Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 Have a good conversation with your wife, a conversation that doesn't involve arguing. Be honest with one another speak out what you really feel, whether your marriage is something you still have to hold on or let go.
WesternWoman Posted September 19, 2012 Posted September 19, 2012 (edited) Projections are a powerful and often backfiring thing (I speak from experience). You've built a really fantastic story about how exotic, exciting and great it was to be with that woman. Too bad that story is not true. She treated you like **** and you let her. Let it be a short term lesson on fire that seemed fun to play with but ultimately left you wanting and unsatisfied. So she becomes your little fantasty in your mind that you bring up sometimes that reminds you of when you were young and dating "bad girls". But it's never going to be more than that. In all likelihood, the reality of who she has turned out to be would probably immediately burst any fantasies you still hold about her. What I would recommend focusing more on is what it is that you are feeling you are missing out on? What's the deeper desire here? This lusting after a woman from the past has nothing to do with where you are at right now, it's a fixation. With addictive personalities you are are often chasing things to mask feelings of pain and despair but not addressing the deeper issues of what it is that is making you feel so lost in the first place. So you've made mistakes, your life has changed and you're having a mid-life reflection on all that has come before this point. This time of your life is an amazing opportunity to finally slow down long enough to deal with your most inner issues and unburden yourself from all of that pain. Your issues probably will scare the crap out of you, but not dealing with them will do far worse. If counseling works that's awesome, support groups or AA, if you need to read self help books, google topics, journal, etc get on it. Start with the things that you know you can handle dealing with and get to work with manageable portions until you can start breaking open the deeper issues. In some ways you are very much like my dad was: depressed, recovered alcoholic, in a marriage that wasn't right, etc. The kids do suffer, and they will spend years working through that pain. If you and your wife aren't right together and continue to hurt one another then for everyone's sake step away. Get your own place and start working on you and let your wife get back on her feet too. You're not doign anyone, least of all your kids, any favors by forcing a embattled relationship to continue on. You're both youong enough that you may in time be able to reach out and connect in a new relationship with another that would be more fulfilling to the both of you. You are in the driver's seat in your life and the best thing that you can do for yourself, your family and most especially kids, is learn to love yourself more and work through your own baggage. It's not easy but it's so worth it in the end. Best of luck... learn to love yourself more and more each day! Edited September 19, 2012 by WesternWoman
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