No respect regarding her Male friend!

[whatssa]

Hi

 

I write here today about a problem that has existed in my relationship from day 1. My Girlfriend's close male friend.

 

History: This close friend and her were texting all the time meeting up every week just the two of them or him and his male friends. At first I thought - he is just a friend, he will be my friend, his friends will be my friends. Then I realised he had a crush on her: he would turn up with presents, pay for tickets to expensive things, comment on every FB post. He was competing with me for BF time and most importantly, that emotional connection. If our relationship was to progress he had to be cut down dramatically. It caused a lot of fights between her and I and I have no doubt in my mind that he liked her. Other mutual friends have also thought the same after seeing the stunts he has pulled. Still she insisted it was only friendship and I had no leg to stand on besides asking her to cut it down a little. I put it down to my insecurity/jealously until I found out 3 months in she had not told him about our relationship. Her intentions were good, but her reasons were lousy and vague about him being a good friend of her broken hearted ex at the time. I found out I didn't exist as a BF when I went out as a group with my gf, him and his friend and it was obvious he had no idea I was the BF and my GF pretended like I was just a friend. When her friend bought a desert for the two of them to share after them chatting to each other all day and me just sitting there talking to his friend, I lost it and walked out. I had never been so disrespected in all my life.

 

I told her it was done after that day, that I was no longer sharing a GF nor did I really feel like continuing the relationship with her. She begged and pleaded and she ended up telling him we were a couple and once she did he practically dissapered. I hesitantly got back together with her after that event, but the relationship had to start from square one. It has since been a year and he has only popped up once on FB a couple of months ago- after a lot of msging between the two for a couple of days which caused fights between us. It brought up that she resents me for the loss of the friendship and I have made clear that if he was any friend he would be a friend of the relationship like her other male and female friends, and what friend would would walk away when he finds out she is a in a relationship - someone who wants more. I have made it clear to her that he and I cannot co-exist - I will not be in a relationship with this guy around and will not put up with this guy again.

 

So now present day: She announced today that another friend (male) is throwing a suprise bday party for this friend next Wednesday and she is going.

 

I was speechless, too shocked to even respond. It seems obvious I have not been invited. My girlfriend knows how I feel about this guy and that I will never be ok with this guy coming back into the fold. I have not said anything since she told me today.

 

 

The whole thing has made me physically ill - I've actually just vomited over it. I really don't want to break up with my GF, things have been good otherwise. This has been our big problem. If I say anything it will just be me being labelled as giving an ultimatum or me telling her what to do - she will say its his Bday, say I'm wrong about him, he has been a friend for years. I don't want to tell my GF she can't be friends with someone. But what do I say? I drew the line in the sand about him. She knows it. If she goes I know it will set a precedent and he will be back in the picture again. I will never be content in that situation. If she goes I don't know if I can stay with her anymore - if I tell her this she won't go and resent me. All I want to say is "I don't feel like talking to you right now its all been said before". How to I approach her about this?

Edited September 12, 2012 by whatssa

[ThaWholigan]

Hi

 

I write here today about a problem that has existed in my relationship from day 1. My Girlfriend's close male friend.

 

History: This close friend and her were texting all the time meeting up every week just the two of them or him and his male friends. At first I thought - he is just a friend, he will be my friend, his friends will be my friends. Then I realised he had a crush on her: he would turn up with presents, pay for tickets to expensive things, comment on every FB post. He was competing with me for BF time and most importantly, that emotional connection. If our relationship was to progress he had to be cut down dramatically. It caused a lot of fights between her and I and I have no doubt in my mind that he liked her. Other mutual friends have also thought the same after seeing the stunts he has pulled. Still she insisted it was only friendship and I had no leg to stand on besides asking her to cut it down a little. I put it down to my insecurity/jealously until I found out 3 months in she had not told him about our relationship. Her intentions were good, but her reasons were lousy and vague about him being a good friend of her broken hearted ex at the time. I found out I didn't exist as a BF when I went out as a group with my gf, him and his friend and it was obvious he had no idea I was the BF and my GF pretended like I was just a friend. When her friend bought a desert for the two of them to share after them chatting to each other all day and me just sitting there talking to his friend, I lost it and walked out. I had never been so disrespected in all my life.

 

I told her it was done after that day, that I was no longer sharing a GF nor did I really feel like continuing the relationship with her. She begged and pleaded and she ended up telling him we were a couple and once she did he practically dissapered. I hesitantly got back together with her after that event, but the relationship had to start from square one. It has since been a year and he has only popped up once on FB a couple of months ago- after a lot of msging between the two for a couple of days which caused fights between us. It brought up that she resents me for the loss of the friendship and I have made clear that if he was any friend he would be a friend of the relationship and what friend would would walk away when he finds out she is a in a relationship. I have made it clear to her that he and I cannot co-exist - I will not be in a relationship with this guy around.

 

So now present day: She announced today that another friend (male) is throwing a suprise bday party for this friend next Wednesday and she is going.

 

I was speechless, too shocked to even respond. It seems obvious I have not been invited. My girlfriend knows how I feel about this guy and that I will never be ok with this guy coming back into the fold. I have not said anything since she told me today.

 

 

The whole thing has made me physically ill - I've actually just vomited over it. I don't want to break up with my GF, things have been good. If I say anything it will just be me being labelled as giving an ultimatum or me telling her what to do - she will say its his Bday, say I'm wrong about him. I don't want to tell my GF she can't be friends with someone. But what do I say? If she goes I know it will set a precedent and he will be back in the picture again. If she goes I don't know if I can stay with her anymore - if I tell her this she won't go and resent me. All I want to say is "I don't feel like talking to you right now its all been said before"

 

Hey,

 

This is a tough one, and a very delicate situation requires dexterity of a certain degree. I think you are right to feel angry with her, as she has lied to both you and this guy, albeit you were in a relationship with her so that lie is magnified in your case.

 

I think you could probably have been a lot more calm with how you dealt with the situation but not everybody reacts the same way and you can't really be blamed. She laments the loss of the friendship, but surely she knew that he was attracted to her? What was her agenda concerning this other guy? Was he a pseudo-boyfriend when she was pissed off with you?

 

Regarding this Bday party, what do you think is going to happen? Do you trust your GF and is it worth breaking up with her over this guy?

[ChatroomHero]

There was another similar thread, I think the issue is you are not invited or respected as a couple by this guy and moreso you personally are not respected by him so her move should be that any party she is invited to and you're not is disrespectful and pass on it.

 

if it were me, I would be inclined to walk.

[whatssa]

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

I think she still kids herself that he only ever wanted friendship. He never came out and said anything else.

 

He was never a pseudo boyfriend. She has always looked at him as an almost girl friend. I always found there relationship very odd because they contacted each other so often but never talked about anything personally. It was always upbeat chit chat and every event of every day. Often he would find out things before I did. However, they never discussed relationships, ironically he was never in any at the time. How could he when he devoted so much time and money to my GF.

 

Regarding the Bday party. Nothing, I trust her. Its the total disrespect of my feelings by my GF.

[ThaWholigan]

Thanks for the quick reply.

 

I think she still kids herself that he only ever wanted friendship. He never came out and said anything else.

 

He was never a pseudo boyfriend. She has always looked at him as an almost girl friend. I always found there relationship very odd because they contacted each other so often but never talked about anything personally. It was always upbeat chit chat and every event of every day. Often he would find out things before I did. However, they never discussed relationships, ironically he was never in any at the time. How could he when he devoted so much time and money to my GF.

 

Regarding the Bday party. Nothing, I trust her. Its the total disrespect of my feelings by my GF.

So it's the guy you don't trust? Understandable.

 

If you aren't invited to go, and she's going on her own to this guy's party, then yes it is disrespectful of your feelings on the matter. It doesn't really matter how strongly she feels about her friendship with this guy, if she's willing to disrespect the relationship then she should expect you to be unhappy about it. I wouldn't issue an ultimatum, nor would I fight with her, but I would calmly state my feelings on the matter, don't allow her to drag it into an argument, just go through all of the problems you have with this person and make her see it from your side, rather than getting angry about it. If she's still unwilling to see it from your POV then I would think about walking and let her know that it's the last straw.

 

Do you know if this guy is actually in a relationship at the moment?

[Mycteria]

Tell her that you would like to go to the party too, so that you can make amends with the friend and give him a chance to be your friend as well.

 

Her reaction to this proposal is what you are looking for. If she says anything other than "that's a great idea!" then walk and don't look back.

[Mycteria]

Also, your girlfriend is either not the brightest person, or deliberately lying. She had to know that her friend had a crush on her. Girls can sense these things. But she liked the attention she got from him. This is why she didn't want to tell him that you guys were in a relationship - because she KNEW he would disappear when he found out. Don't let her lie to you.

[ThaWholigan]

Tell her that you would like to go to the party too, so that you can make amends with the friend and give him a chance to be your friend as well.

 

Her reaction to this proposal is what you are looking for. If she says anything other than "that's a great idea!" then walk and don't look back.

Good idea

[ChatroomHero]

Wait, wait, wait. You posted the thread titled "Not invited to girlfriend's Party" about a month ago and then abandoned it.

 

If this is the same girl, all i can say is you love the drama. She sh*ts on you, you complain on here, you change your mind, and she sh*ts on you again. guess, what- she will sh*t on you again and you will eat it again.

 

I think i will break the cycle and say, are you crazy? This woman loves you to death and is obviously so in love with you. Don't screw things up by your insecurity. This is true love and the healthiest relationship I have ever heard about. Never leave this woman.

 

read whatssa's other thread. any advice is pointless. He'll say how great she is and abandon this thread and post another one in a month about some other bs problem like this.

Edited September 12, 2012 by ChatroomHero

[ThaWholigan]

Wait, wait, wait. You posted the thread titled "Not invited to girlfriend's Party" about a month ago and then abandoned it.

 

If this is the same girl, all i can say is you love the drama. She sh*ts on you, you complain on here, you change your mind, and she sh*ts on you again. guess, what- she will sh*t on you again and you will eat it again.

 

I think i will break the cycle and say, are you crazy? This woman loves you to death and is obviously so in love with you. Don't screw things up by your insecurity. This is true love and the healthiest relationship I have ever heard about. Never leave this woman.

 

read whatssa's other thread. any advice is pointless. He'll say how great she is and abandon this thread and post another one in a month about some other bs problem like this.

I just read through that thread just now.

 

OP - this doesn't look good. Girl sounds like a "habitual line-stepper".

[whatssa]

Mycteria: I will try that first yes. But as Chatroom hero did point out - my girlfriend has a weird view on parties that if I am not specifically invited I'm not invited.

 

The post he was referring to ended up being a party was all girls and only the bday girls BF attended. But it did cause a big argument due to her inability to explain it to me and our disagreement on the principles of the matter. I was hoping to keep this problem separate from that event to avoid confusion. I also don't want people to judge my GF based on negative arguments of the past. But yes that party argument may be tested.

 

The thing is I don't really want to make amends with this guy. I was happy to be rid of him.

[Quiet Storm]

I have made it clear to her that he and I cannot co-exist - I will not be in a relationship with this guy around and will not put up with this guy again.

 

 

 

You shouldn't have said that if you didn't mean it. It's attractive when a man stands up for what he believes in, like you did above. However, if you don't stick to your boundaries, it makes you seem weak. You gave her clear boundaries for what you will tolerate in a relationship. You can't control her actions, but you can control your response.

 

I think if you stay in the relationship with her doing this, there will just be more events and parties that will come up with him included. If you give an inch, she'll take a mile. I say stick to what you said before.

 

I don't think she is respecting you or the relationship. Her boyfriend's feelings should me more of a priority to her, IMO.

 

I would tell her that her decision to go is making you feel hurt and disrespected, and that you need a girlfriend that treasures and protects your relationship.

 

she resents me for the loss of the friendship

 

they contacted each other so often but never talked about anything personally. It was always upbeat chit chat and every event of every day.

 

I don't understand why this guy is so important to her if it's just casual chit chat. In order for her to hang on so tightly, he is meeting some kind of need in her. It could be a need for attention or validation. Be upfront with her and get to the bottom of this. What does she want or need out of this friendship? And why is that need so important that she is willing to risk her relationship? If she offers no clear reason and just says, "We're just friends, you can't control me"...let her go. Her loyalty lies elsewhere.

[Mrlonelyone]

She looks at him as more of a girlfriend huh. I hate to say this but it sounds to me like she's playing both of you on some level.

 

You aren't really her emotional BF and are more of a good F_ck buddy or FWB. Some guys would like that but you want more. While he gets all the emotional and plenty of the social benefits of having a GF. You are a fun and sexy secret guy and he is a nice social piece of arm candy she goes places and does things with. She probably does not have sex with him, probably.

 

Or she is just straight playing both of you for some mixture of company and sex. (more sex for you more everything else for him).

 

She sounds like a real winner. As hard as it may be you are probably going to have to walk away from this woman to get what you want with someone else.

 

One question.

 

Does she change moods from everything is great to everything is awful very often? Going from thinking you are the greatest person ever born to thinking you are the anti Christ with little or no moderation?

[whatssa]

Very good points Quiet Storm.

 

I have to mean it. I just know I can never be happy with this guy in the picture.

 

 

Perhaps it wasn't just chit chat, but it was an emotional connection. He was the one she would about every event in her life. How she felt each day, how someone annoyed her at work etc. After a couple of months in the relationship, I realised he was getting this information instead of me or before me and he developed feelings for her whether he knew or not.

[whatssa]

Also lets not forget this guy has been gone for a nearly a year!

 

I ended up filling that emotional connection.

[KungFuJoe]

Dump her.

 

Seriously. Dump her now. She has low self esteem and absolutely no regard for how you feel. That's a very dangerous combination and a recipe for infidelity.

 

Either she really likes him back or is using him for his attention...either way, YOU lose.

 

By the way...I'm not me of those "drop her at the slightest sign of anything wrong". Not at all. But some things are deal breakers and this is a huge one, in my book.

[InJest]

Don't give an ultimatum, just break up with her. Just tell her you don't want to stop her from what she wants to do, and you can't be happy with this guy around, so you're letting her go. Make it about her, not your problem with her and her 'friend'.

 

An ultimatum shows hesitation, and more importantly, weakness. Break it off with her, and ask her for no contact, and see what she says. You could also just start backing off and looking for a new girl. Use her as a sex fix, and drop her once you find someone more in line with what you want.

Edited September 12, 2012 by InJest

[Imajerk17]

Hi

 

I write here today about a problem that has existed in my relationship from day 1. My Girlfriend's close male friend.

 

History: This close friend and her were texting all the time meeting up every week just the two of them or him and his male friends. At first I thought - he is just a friend, he will be my friend, his friends will be my friends. Then I realised he had a crush on her: he would turn up with presents, pay for tickets to expensive things, comment on every FB post. He was competing with me for BF time and most importantly, that emotional connection. If our relationship was to progress he had to be cut down dramatically. It caused a lot of fights between her and I and I have no doubt in my mind that he liked her. Other mutual friends have also thought the same after seeing the stunts he has pulled. Still she insisted it was only friendship and I had no leg to stand on besides asking her to cut it down a little. I put it down to my insecurity/jealously until I found out 3 months in she had not told him about our relationship. Her intentions were good, but her reasons were lousy and vague about him being a good friend of her broken hearted ex at the time. I found out I didn't exist as a BF when I went out as a group with my gf, him and his friend and it was obvious he had no idea I was the BF and my GF pretended like I was just a friend. When her friend bought a desert for the two of them to share after them chatting to each other all day and me just sitting there talking to his friend, I lost it and walked out. I had never been so disrespected in all my life.

 

 

You would have saved yourself a lot of drama if you had only stayed away after this (what I bolded). People are on their best behavior early on and that she was already putting another guy first is very bad news. (Whether she was getting physical with him is besides the point, but I wouldn't be surprised if she was.)

 

I don't think this relationship is fixable, due to her values. You need to realize that the problem was NEVER the close male friend of your "girlfriend", it was instead her attitude towards the situation, putting him and maybe other guys before you.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Imajerk17

[whatssa]

Ok well an update on this.

 

I spoke to her today

 

I asked her if she is still going despite my feelings about this guy. She said the cliche "but he is my friend and its his birthday". I had to control my emotions but I basically put out that he is not a friend of the relationship, he liked you, other people have said it, his friend even insinuated it. Once he found out we were together he has cut you off. He doesn't like the fact we are together. Going to this party is completely disrespectful of me and the relationship.

 

She proceeded to argue that he doesn't like her and he doesn't talk to her because she hasn't been talking to him for me. I said that's all crap. He went from obsession to suddenly stopping talking to her. I can't believe she is in denial - this denial has lead to her resentment towards me and no facts I give can change that.

 

She then said even if he did like her it wouldn't matter if they were friends because she is with me. I couldn't believe this statement. We spent 20 mins arguing how disrespectful it would be for someone to maintain a friendship with someone that likes them. She said she wouldn't care if I had a friend that was constantly asking me to hang out that liked me. BS! I argued that the person wouldn't even be a friend because friends don't have feelings. I also said everything this person would do, would take away from us. She just didn't get it. You call this guy your friend but everything he does is not friendship its because he likes you.

 

She tried to drag the argument to blend with other arguments about other things. She said I didn't trust her, which is BS and the only time she has ever brought this up was something totally different and a misunderstanding at the very start of our relationship with an ex bf. I was clear to distinguish this situation as unique to all other arguments and deal breaker.

 

I have said that I will not be disrespected in such a way. I will not be in a relationship with someone that maintains a friendship with someone that likes her. It's toxic. The last year has been good. But her going to this party is a slap in the face to our relationship.

 

She doesn't talk about her problems to anyone else. I honestly wish she did. Then they would tell her to wake up to herself. Perhaps it would be easy for her to spin to story to make me sound bad.

 

She said she feels like I am forcing her to end a friendship and it will be my choice to breakup as that is not what she wants. I just can't believe she is so blind. I didn't break up like some of you suggested and I tried very hard to not make it seem like an ultimatum. I've given her some thinking time. I said I didn't want her to resent me if she stays with me, but I cannot be in a relationship with this disrespect.

 

So, if she goes to the party it will be done for me, and I hope she understands that. She has a few days to consider whats important for her.

Edited September 14, 2012 by whatssa

[phineas]

She is disrespectful.

Demote her to FWB & look for someone else.

[InJest]

Could not have said it better myself Phineas.