Is It Worth It To Push For Monogamy?

[verhrzn]

You think they are the only ones into you. You actually would be surprised who would actually be into you. A person can be so caught up in beliefs that they miss something sometimes.

 

Have you not seen my threads about how absolutely NO one messaged me on OKCupid or Match, and how the guys I did send messages to ignored me?

 

I am not missing the ones who are into me. They do not exist.

[ThaWholigan]

Why do you always seem to date jerks? Or do you turn them to jerks? I don't get it.

Let's not jump the gun - this guy might NOT be a jerk just yet. Maybe he has more resilience.....

[joystickd]

Have you not seen my threads about how absolutely NO one messaged me on OKCupid or Match, and how the guys I did send messages to ignored me?

 

I am not missing the ones who are into me. They do not exist.

Why don't you focus on meeting men in real life instead of OLD? What do you really look for in a man?

[verhrzn]

Let's not jump the gun - this guy might NOT be a jerk just yet. Maybe he has more resilience.....

 

I don't get it. You guys seemed divided between him being a jerk, and me fulfilling some prophecy. So is him expressing an impulse to sleep with a coworker a red flag or not?

[KungFuJoe]

Have you not seen my threads about how absolutely NO one messaged me on OKCupid or Match, and how the guys I did send messages to ignored me?

 

I am not missing the ones who are into me. They do not exist.

 

One thing I can't stand about LS is not knowing if the person is actually telling the truth or just trying to get attention.

 

Op = Brahmabull?

[verhrzn]

One thing I can't stand about LS is not knowing if the person is actually telling the truth or just trying to get attention.

 

Op = Brahmabull?

 

Um... ThaWhalogian has seen my profile. Would you like my password just to verify I'm telling the truth? Is it so hard to comprehend? One thing I am sick of is being called a liar...

 

Why don't you focus on meeting men in real life instead of OLD? What do you really look for in a man?

 

Where in the world would I meet them? I don't drink, and I hate sports. I look for high intelligence, common interests, him being able to financially support himself and him liking me. Not a difficult list.

[joystickd]

Have you not seen my threads about how absolutely NO one messaged me on OKCupid or Match, and how the guys I did send messages to ignored me?

 

I am not missing the ones who are into me. They do not exist.

I get ignored on OKCupid, Plenty of fish, Match, and Eharmony. I prefer meeting someone in real life. I know for a long time all I seemed to attract was married women. Single women just didn't seem to be into me. Have you ever thought YOU are the reason you are not successful with dating? Beliefs sometimes limit us. If I believe and perceive that only married women want me then that is what will happen. When I interact with a single woman I may give off a vibe that will cause her to reject me even though she might have been into me. Its the same with you there are guys that maybe into you and you just give off a vibe turns an interest into a rejection because of the belief that you only attract shy "nerdy" guys.

[joystickd]

Um... ThaWhalogian has seen my profile. Would you like my password just to verify I'm telling the truth? Is it so hard to comprehend? One thing I am sick of is being called a liar...

 

 

 

Where in the world would I meet them? I don't drink, and I hate sports. I look for high intelligence, common interests, him being able to financially support himself and him liking me. Not a difficult list.

What are these common interests exactly? You could meet these guys anywhere but you would actually have to be open and receptive to meeting them. In terms of high intelligence there are guys that are not the shy "nice" nerdy types. I am one of those guys.

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Well you are somewhat correct into that I don't look at character traits. Because at the end of the day, all that matters is him liking me. I don't really have a *choice* of men, you see. It's not like I am picking them out. I am literally taking whatever comes my way, which is what I am TOLD to do by these forums.

 

Actually, most of the guys I've dated have been shy, "nice" nerdy boys. The kind of guys who their friends swear by, who are telling misty-eyed tales of how they love women SO much and women just don't see what great guys they are, why won't a woman give them a chance? So I do.... it increases their confidence, and boom, cheated and dumped.

 

Perhaps it is just that I have given up on receiving love. At this point, I will settle for receiving a relationship and giving love. I think that seems like a far more realistic prospect for me.

 

A. This post of yours is bullcrap V.

B. When do you ever do what you are told on the forums? If you are doing anything because of what was said on a forum, it's because you are selectively picking what advice you listen to.

 

You get pages of decent advice from certain people but the reality is that you don't want to do the work on yourself to improve your dating situation. If you began to have more confidence in yourself, you would give yourself agency to look for what you wanted in a man instead of just taking whatever comes along. And you know what? Finding a man that actually aligns with what you want might take more time and it might mean more lonely nights but at least you wouldn't just be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. And you would have power and control over your own choices instead of letting that be mandated by the men you date.

 

When I was younger I thought simliar to you. I would just date who came along because I wanted dating experience and I wanted to figure myself out. But I am talking about when I was like 18-24. So when older men asked me out, I went out with them. And I dated some guys that I KNEW in my heart were not right for me. And while I value those experiences because they taught me somehing about myself, I also paid for those experiences as well. But you are not 18. You are 27. You really shouldn't have to date just to have experience or to have someone fill a void. You don't have to date someone and take what comes along. You choose to do that though because it's more important to you to fill a space you think you have to fill then to fill that space with learning to be with just yourself or discovering who you really are.

 

You don't just take what comes along like a whipped stray dog. You don't prescribe to open relationships because you fear being cheated on. You don't know anything about yourself and you don't seem really intent on taking that difficult journey to get to know yourself better. You should really read Ninja's post again. That dude knows what he is talking about.

 

Lastly, you don't date nice guys. You date bitter disenfranchised guys that blame women for their lack of success under the notion that he is so "nice" and "romantic". You date guys that like to lable themselves and think of themselves a certain way rather then who they really are. And you attract those guys, those guys that don't know who they really are because YOU don't know who you really are.

 

You make really interesting posts but you also don't really listen to anyone because you don't really want to listen to anyone. So even after 11+ pages of people posting in your thread, we all know you won't actually learn anything here. Because you simply are not ready or prepared to go on that journey that would actually require you to look inside. Until you do that, you will be encountering a lot of these same problems. I suspect that you will be ready to counter my post. But I HOPE for your sake, you begin to really listen to other people.

 

But if you can't do that..then have an open relationship and be done with it V. Just don't come on this board upset because your man slept with another woman if you gave him the permission to do that.

[kaylan]

Just because I argue with something doesn't mean it doesn't have value. Ninja Pajama's post was very helpful in pointing out that guys are always gonna cheat if they can, and I am bottom dollar. It was also helpful to hear "If a man is totally in love with a man he won't want to have sex with other people!" That confirms my suspicion that the guy I'm dating wanting to have sex with his coworker means he isn't really into me.

The bold is FAR from true for many guys. Ive had opportunities to cheat and never get caught, but I respect my women and I value loyalty and honesty. Id never betray someone I care about like that.

[ThaWholigan]

I don't get it. You guys seemed divided between him being a jerk, and me fulfilling some prophecy. So is him expressing an impulse to sleep with a coworker a red flag or not?

 

He expressed it because you asked him, and he was tactlessly honest about it, after which he reaffirmed his commitment to you. It's easy to label him a jerk for it, when most other guys would have said "No darling, I love you too much" or some sh*t like that. When he started to act tetchy about it and picks fights for no reason, that's when to get suspicious.

 

One thing I can't stand about LS is not knowing if the person is actually telling the truth or just trying to get attention.

 

Op = Brahmabull?

 

Verhrzn is the real deal, I can vouch for her. She is an anomaly, she's not ugly yet she seems to not attract people. I've seen her dating profile, it's not standout good, but it's pretty good, and like I said she isn't ugly (she does have great boobs - gratuitous shallow moment out the way....). Honestly, I've seen many many far, far worse looking women than Verhrzn. Trust me, I thought it was BS the first time . She's not making it up unfortunately.

[Woggle]

I have had plenty of chances to cheat and I never did either. I went to New Orleans with my friends back in the day and I went on a sight seeing tour while they were in a strip club because it would be disrespectful to the woman I was with at the time. Not all men are cheaters.

[TLY22]

Wow. I've just spent over three hours reading this damn thread and trying to understand V's logic. All I've come up with is people arguing good points to someone who has blocked off all incoming advice. Why ask for it if you are going to reject it?

 

V. Your problems are your confidence, of which you have none. Get some. Then allowing someone to cheat on you so you don't get cheated on and dumped? This person will walk all over you if he takes the chance to sleep with someone else. Do you really think that at the end of the night he's going to hold up a relationship? That is so much effort for someone who doesn't care about him, and only stays so she's in a relationship. If he doesn't chose to sleep with other women because he's committed to you, LIKE HE SAID, then he's probably going to feel like crap because you don't have enough faith in him to remain committed to you. You're already assuming this guy is going to cheat on you, when all he's done is be honest. He does sound like a tool, but that's beside the point. Stop thinking that every guy will cheat on you, and then literally pushing them to do it.

 

You then go on to blame every single man for your issues, because some guys walked over you before. Stand up, stick your damn chin out and toughen up! Don't take that crap! No one has the right to treat you that way, and you know it. But rather than doing something about it, you'd rather just sit on this damn thread and argue your silly logic with good people who are trying to help you!

 

Wake up. You can find someone who will love you and not even look twice at another woman, you just have to put the effort in to do it. Get off this thread, get off the dating sites, stop being so pessimistic and get out there! If I could, I would smack you right now.

 

People will treat you right if you give them a reason to. If you bend over and let guys sleep with who they want while with you, then you're going to get cheated on time and time again.

 

I don't even know why I'm wasting my time typing this. Maybe, just MAYBE, it's because I want to help you, just like everyone else on here.

 

Go have your open relationship. Don't come on here and cry because another guy has dumped you because you didn't trust him, or because you let him sleep around. If it works, that's awesome for you. If not, it should be a learning curve.

 

Start with yourself. Confidence is sexy. Get some. The rest will follow.

[SJC2008]

Men getting cheated on does not mean they never had a desire for sex outside the relationship. Maybe they were just too morally shamed to cheat, or figured they'd lose the relationship if they did. It does not mean they didn't WANT to.

 

My argument is, most men would happily take both a relationship and an opportunity for outside sex, especially if their partner remained monogamous.

 

A relationship is about commitment and if my GF told me it's ok if I bang some chick at my job I'd be furious that she'd be ok with me sleeping with another woman. The fact that it wouldn't bother her would tell me she doesn't really care about me. I't would make me think she wants to do the same or already has.

[AlexCross]

Yes, gee, whyever am I to blame for all my exes cheating on me and dumping me for better women? Oh, I bet it's because I'm fat! That's always a classic.

 

Not even close. But if thats how you view yourself, you bring your own issues on yourself with how you view yourself so negatively. Huge turn off.

[Leigh 87]

Your kidding yourself.

 

So unless a guy has a model look alike who is also his soul mate, he will ditch his current soulmate just because a model comes along with a great personality?

It takes time to form a bond, enough to KNOW if your going to be soulmates. Guys who are really in love with the right girl, will absolutely not ditch their partner for a better looking girl.

[Leigh 87]

And I made a thread about the exact same thing as you did. I had the exact same view as you; if a guy loves you, why restrict him to only one women to have sexually for his entire life? Sex is just sex, isn't it against human nature to only have one sexual mate for years at a time?

 

..... I told my partner to be with other women if he purely needed or felt like the sexual varity, but wanted to stay bonded to me as his soul mate.

He clearly told and showed me that he could not do that, and it was grossly unappealing to cheat on a women he loved and wanted to share his life with.

Instead of listening to him and believing I was the only women he wanted, I pushed further; he had a past addiction to hookers, so I urged him to at least see them before settling down.

 

He saw a few hookers and was really messed up over it. He thought my theory made sense - that sex is sex, why only have one sexual partner, when you can be in love yet satisfy your natural tendency to want more than one women for sex?

But when put into practive, even shagging the hookers prooved too much for him to handle. It only made him miss me and feel really uspet and clingly.

It is really messed up and extremely unhealthy to be in a relationship where you feel that your not enough to sexuallt satisfy your partner.

 

We both came to the conclusion that there is a time in some mens life where they want to just hook up and experience a lot of women they find desirable.

But when it comes to marriage and committing long term to a person you want to spend the rest of your life with, it cheapens and indermines your bond, if you seek sex elsewhere. Even with a meaningless hooker you do not even have to kiss or have any intimacy with.

[Leigh 87]

To overcome what I believe to be a very unhealthy outlook on myself and relationships, I am seeing a professional, working out 5 days a week and loving the kick being thin and fit brings, studying something different and kick starting a different career off, and generally doing things that make me feel good about myself ( yes CHM CHAUCER I have been studying the same thing for ages now, I am not chopping and changing:o)

 

I feel so much better now that I truly believe that I am enough for a guy as I am, and a guy who truly loves me will have no need for another girl, even meaningless sex just for the sake of having a different " body" for varity.

 

It has taken me almost two years to believe the above statement about myself, and I still have a long way to go in terms of my mental health, however; as soon as the above bolded statement sunk in, it lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.

 

Your better than this, be brave and try out a monogomus relationship, and believe that your enough for a man; some men are jerks, and just not the right guys for you, but do not let them stop you from finding a guy who is right for you.

 

Letting them have an open relationship, in most cases, is a cop out; your scared your not enough for them sexually, so instead of having them break up or cheat on you, you make the inevitable less painfull. By letting them "cheat" first on your own accord.

 

 

 

....Very few people can have oepn relationships successfully. I know one couple who do. They really adore each other, and are just wired differently to most couples. It is very rare though, and it is not due to her lack of self esteem.

[ascendotum]

A relationship is about commitment and if my GF told me it's ok if I bang some chick at my job I'd be furious that she'd be ok with me sleeping with another woman. The fact that it wouldn't bother her would tell me she doesn't really care about me. I't would make me think she wants to do the same or already has.

 

the same thoughts would be going through my mind.

[ScreamingTrees]

One thing that I don't understand about OP (she's definitely not Braham, to whoever had that thought.. I've seen her photos, she's a real person unrelated to that guy in any way)..

 

Why come up with alternate realities where, say, the culture is different and open relationships are the norm, or women are totally fine with a guy having "sexual variety" in his life.. Why formulate such a world and accuse these people who try to turn you on to the idea of there being genuinely faithful people out there of being likely to give in to temptation under such conditions?

 

It's silly, those conditions don't exist in reality, so we'll never know how they'd respond, and even then, the moral code would be different, so what they'd be doing would not be the same thing under similar circumstances..

 

And even then, the only clues we have to go by how they'd fair in your hypothetical fantasy scenarios would be to consider how they've reacted to temptation in the reality we have to live in. There's really no way to know online, but I guess you just don't trust any of them based on your experiences.. I guess I can't blame you for how you feel, if that's the case.

 

In any case, are you not guilty of doing this? It's only going to make it harder for other people to get through to you.

[Leigh 87]

rosebanks123- yes it is normal for men to think about other women and become attracted to them.

The thing about wanting a long term bond, is if you really want this bond for the rest of your lives, the idea is that you stick to each other, which in turn, makes your bond stronger.

Ultimately the good feeling you get from making your bond stronger through resisting physical temptations, is far greater than what can be derived through sexual encounters with people you are attracted to.

It is rare to be able to have that strong bond that monogomy brings, if you let other people into the bedroom; how can you be as close as a monogomus couple, if you let other people be intimate with your partner?

 

I have thought A LOT about this whole area. To answer the OP: yes, monogomy is well worth it, I know from those around me who are happil married for many years, from discussing it on loveshack, and from my own personal experience.

Furthermore, you should not have to ask a man to be monogomus. Men who are really into you will be that way because they want to.

 

Finally - if a guy drops you because something better comes along, tha he was not into you to begin with, and liked your company enough to be around a lot and have sex with, but not enough as a long term prospect albiet they normally do not realise at the time as they think they like you well enough.

 

If my boyfriend leaves me because he craves " varity" in sex and finds a better looking girl who is " better quality" than me because she also has a great personality, and is better educated and has better personal queslities than me.........

.....................................................Then I will tell myself every day that there is a man out there, in fact probably many men out there, who will just want me for me, and not leave me for the next best thing.

 

You are enough for the right guy, if you are patient enough to wait, and positive enough to overcome that aftermath of meeting the wrong men, aka, guys who leave you because they tell you they find someone " hotter"...:sick:

[denise_xo]

Ninja Pajama's post was very helpful in pointing out that guys are always gonna cheat if they can, and I am bottom dollar. It was also helpful to hear "If a man is totally in love with a man he won't want to have sex with other people!"

 

I don't think it is just about 'love' as some kind of romantic concept. Like xxoo has pointed out many times in this thread, we let go of certain urges in order to protect other benefits, and these apply to all kinds of areas in our lives. If someone commits a serious crime towards me, my 'natural' urge might be to kill him or crush him physically. However, I will chose to instead report the matter to the police because I believe that having a shared justice system will lead to a better result for our societies in the long run. All of these things are choices. I think it is very realistic to expect that your partner (general you, not particular you) is going to feel sexually attracted to someone else at some point. A large part of relationships are affected by that. The key question is how you choose to relate to. Many people will make the choice to forego that temporary pleasure because they consider the benefits of a long term, monogamous relationship to be greater than a short f-ck, especially if they are joined in a shared project of raising children together. Even when infidelity does occur, as you will from several of the posters in the infidelity section here, reconciliation occurs because the wayward spouse sees that what they have in the package of the marriage was greater than what they had in the affair. So, in your case, you kind of stop at step 1 of the analysis: 'Men are likely to feel attracted to others, so I will tell my bf he can go and screw someone else whenever he wants'. If that's how you want to solve it, that's fine, but it would require him to be onboard with that option. As evidenced by this thread, a lot of men wouldn't feel comfortable with such a set up, and you have already indicated that your bf wouldn't either. So, then you'd need to think of alternative strategies. Life, and how men relate to it, is a bit less black and white than what you make it out to be. Nuance, however, is more difficult to address than black and white.

 

I post here because I keep hoping I'll see something that can change my situation. But... apparently not.

 

I think what is missing in your relationship, at least from how you write about it here, is proper communication between the two of you. I think those who are successful at avoiding the 'temptations' that nature has provided us with are those who are good at keeping up a continuous and honest dialogue in their relationships about how to keep renewing and building on what they have, building strategies together about how to protect their relationship and setting up appropriate boundaries towards that goal, and having the space for expressing it the times they may feel attracted to others, but with the objective of that expression being something that can be worked through and dealt with within the relationship, rather than someone going outside of it. Of course, that might not be the option you prefer, but I think it's important that you see that there are different ways of dealing with the issues that you are concerned about.

[ScreamingTrees]

Just because I argue with something doesn't mean it doesn't have value. Ninja Pajama's post was very helpful in pointing out that guys are always gonna cheat if they can, and I am bottom dollar. It was also helpful to hear "If a man is totally in love with a man he won't want to have sex with other people!" That confirms my suspicion that the guy I'm dating wanting to have sex with his coworker means he isn't really into me.

.

 

This only proves my point. Why do the posters above even bother typing such thoughtful posts when she's only looking for the snippets that will continue to validate her pessimistic beliefs?

 

She keeps hoping something will change her situation.. Well, everything under the sun's been said, what else can we really say? She has to keep trying new approaches that are not self-degrading or just give up entirely. Letting another guy have you while he sleeps around is not the way to get what you want, if you truly want what you say you do.

[kassy]

I don't think you know what you are getting into.

 

I think you totally forget that many many men like intimacy, trust, emotional connection and being thought highly of by their partner. Oh and frequent great sex too! It's not only about ****ing anything that comes by in a short skirt.

 

Often men cheat, not always but often, when something is lacking in the relationship...

 

So either you are picking real douch bags, or you have difficulty being a loving partner. Or both.

 

From your posts. I'd say you bringing this up with this guy will make him angry and feel like you don't value him, and he'll probably dump you. But hey, knock yourself out.

 

I'm saying this as someone currently in a **** buddy situation... So I'm not judgmental of alternative lifestyle choices. Even then my buddy has said from day one this has to be exclusive and if either of us want more from it we have to communicate that, equally if either of us want to date/shagg anyone else we need to communicate that before hand. I didn't mind if he slept with others. He really really did. Which is fine by me.

 

But you are kidding yourself if you think this is going to make you feel less insecure and not more... Will you be thinking: is she better in bed, where did you get that new move, do you like her more than me... Is she hotter than me...

 

Is that really where you want to go mentally? You seem to have precious little self esteem as it is. No offence but open relationship/ **** buddies etc etc it takes a lot of communication because the boundaries can be more fluid and people's feelings evolve in unexpected ways... Which needs to be communicated.

 

I think you will crush yourself with this if he agrees to it. Be really sure you want to go there.

[Jane2011]

Generally, I don't think it's impossible to find a guy who can be monogamous. I'd say it might be best found in a guy who isn't even into sex that much, period. I know that sounds kind of a dreary thing to say, but I don't mean some sexless guy. Just one who clearly is more about companionship than he is about sex. And those men do exist. They're into a meeting of the minds somehow and will cultivate a lot of mental connection. They still have sex, too, but just not as much as other men. This may work for me because even though I like sex a lot (especially at first), I'm not a sex fiend. I definitely start to slow down in how much I want sex as time together wears on. (It never falls less than once or twice a week, though).