Is It Worth It To Push For Monogamy?

[suladas]

Why the heck would I feel more prepared to trust? My past experiences prove that trust is a very, very bad idea. I trusted those guys-it totally worked out for me!

 

Geez, I try to do something logical and practical to protect myself and the relationship, and you guys just gotta bat it down. I really don't know what to do anymore.

 

One day you will find someone willing to work for and regain your trust and faith in men, trust me. I did it with my ex, she couldn't trust men at all after being cheated on and there was no better feeling then turning her around from being extremely angry and hating all men for a long time and ending up head over heals crazy for me and regaining faith there is good guys left out there.

[verhrzn]

Because it was illogical, silly, ridiculous and most importantly: wouldn't work.

 

Come up with something we can work with!

 

It's impractical to have an open relationship?? Because that isn't a way lots of couples have dealt with the perfectly natural desire to have sex with other people? How in the world is it illogical or silly??

[Janesays]

It's impractical to have an open relationship?? Because that isn't a way lots of couples have dealt with the perfectly natural desire to have sex with other people? How in the world is it illogical or silly??

 

 

They're doing it because they can compartmentalize sex and love and they BOTH want to experiment. You're doing it because you don't want to get dumped. If you're interested in the former, it will work. If you're interested in the latter, it won't work!

[xxoo]

It's impractical to have an open relationship?? Because that isn't a way lots of couples have dealt with the perfectly natural desire to have sex with other people? How in the world is it illogical or silly??

 

There is a saying in the poly world: "Relationship broken--add more people!" followed by laughter....because that is what many people do and it does not work.

 

It takes two very secure people, with great communication skills, for an open relationship to work. Does that describe you and your bf?

[oaks]

It's impractical to have an open relationship?? Because that isn't a way lots of couples have dealt with the perfectly natural desire to have sex with other people? How in the world is it illogical or silly??

 

Do you want an open relationship? (one word answer will do, apart from needing ten characters)

[SoleMate]

Unfortunately, being in an open relationship does NOT protect against cheating....unless you define the open relationship to mean "anything he does is OK". Most people with open relationships have rules they agree to, such as:

 

* Casual relationships only

* Must introduce side partner (SdP) to main partner (MnP), OR

* Must keep SdP away from MnP and never let MnP hear about SdP

* Must use condoms/etc. with SdP

* Must not perform certain acts with SdP

* Must let MnP know when SdP will be visited

* Will break off with SdP if in danger of developing feelings

* Will not fall in love

* Must answer questions about SdP honestly

* Must keep SdP secondary and make sure MnP gets lion's share of time, attention, tangible benefits

etc.

 

It's just as hard to keep those rules as to keep the basic monogamy rule. maybe even harder as they are less clearcut. So don't think that open r/s are a panacea for cheating. We've had more than a few posters on this board in exactly that situation: "How could he cheat on me when I had already agreed to an open r/s??!!"

[Titanwolf]

I believe in monogomy. I find it impossible to cheat and I'm sure I'm not the only man who's like this either. When you have to "Push" for monogamy, monogamy will never be achieved. Those who aren't monogomous, will only be able to sustain themselves in a monogamous relationship for so long, before they crack. Find a naturally monogamous man, simples?

[Negative Nancy]

One day you will find someone willing to work for and regain your trust and faith in men, trust me. I did it with my ex, she couldn't trust men at all after being cheated on and there was no better feeling then turning her around from being extremely angry and hating all men for a long time and ending up head over heals crazy for me and regaining faith there is good guys left out there.

 

and yet she's your ex

 

seems like in the end her trust issues were confirmed and proven right once again

[Mme. Chaucer]

That's why I said true monogamy is only something women are capable of.

 

Because it is a fact that most men would still like to have their cake and eat it too. If it was normal and accepted to have many wives, or if it was socially accepted for men to bang others on the side, you can bet 99% would do it without second thoughts.

 

My point is, monogamy is not INNATE for men. "Forced monogamy" at best....but that does not count as real monogamy in my book.

 

So, since you believe this wholeheartedly, are you only having open relationships?

[kaylan]

OP I advise you to leave your bf before he leaves you/ Why? Because asI said in your last thread, you are going to make your worst fears come true through your insecure and odd behavior. You dump him now because I dont think you are ready for a relationship, let alone one with a good man.

 

You are way too messed up in the head by these forums, by general pessimism, and by your past lack of luck in dating. I told you before that you have a good man and to enjoy it, but you dont listen.

 

You need to be single and time to work on yourself. If I was your bf and you brought up these things with me that you have in these threads, Id break up with you because Id know drama was coming. Id be afraid of you doing something very bad all because you thought Id do something bad first.

 

Work on yourself OP. Good luck.

[verhrzn]

OP I advise you to leave your bf before he leaves you/ Why? Because asI said in your last thread, you are going to make your worst fears come true through your insecure and odd behavior. You dump him now because I dont think you are ready for a relationship, let alone one with a good man.

 

You are way too messed up in the head by these forums, by general pessimism, and by your past lack of luck in dating. I told you before that you have a good man and to enjoy it, but you dont listen.

 

You need to be single and time to work on yourself. If I was your bf and you brought up these things with me that you have in these threads, Id break up with you because Id know drama was coming. Id be afraid of you doing something very bad all because you thought Id do something bad first.

 

Work on yourself OP. Good luck.

 

And how exactly would being single and by myself help me work out issues, instead of just guaranteeing I'd be single forever?

 

Or is that the idea? I can't keep and thus don't deserve a good man, so why bother trying? I know you all want me to shut up about my issues.... guess the best thing for all of you is if I just accepted being alone forever.

 

... And a good guy who wants to have sex with his coworker. Really?

[todreaminblue]

I'll just start out this post by making a quick note that this is not the case for every man or every marriage. I know there are plenty of marriages where couples are happily monogamous.

 

However.... as I am out in the world, I am finding more and more that guys in my generation just do not seem to want to be monogamous. If they do, they are already married. The single men who are left seem to want relationships, but they all seem to want open relationships... marriage to a steady girl, with the option for an occasional dalliance.

 

The more I read about relationships, the more it seems that trying to change man's nature (to sleep around) is just a waste of time. It seems that either guys cheat, or they dump the steady girl for a better model when they are sick of years of sex with just her.

 

I am wondering if maybe I should just accept the idea of whatever guy I date having an occasional on-the-side sex arrangement. Wouldn't accepting it make me happier than trying to change my partner, or being single because I have unrealistic expectations about monogamy?

 

The reason I am thinking about this is the guy I am currently dating admitted he found one of his coworkers attractive. My bf is good-looking, intelligent and funny, so I would not be surprised if the coworker had a mutual attraction to him. He says he is committed to our relationship, but I feel as if I'm controlling him... Like eventually he's going to break and want to have sex with the other girl because he's sick of just me.

 

So I have been thinking maybe I should broach the subject of an open relationship in which he could sleep with her without risking me. That way, he could get his sexual variety and be happy, and I could stay in a relationship with him without feeling controlling or like I'm trying to change him.

 

Thoughts?

 

 

Do you find it sad that it is unreasonable to expect and aspire to be monogamous in a relationship? I do I find it sad that we should believe it to be an unreasonable expectation.Relationships between male and famale humans is meant to be that way it is a natural and beautiful occurrence.Didnt say it was easy i am realistic but if you have OPEN communication and honesty it becomes par for the course....and the course lasts a life time, not only of sexual pleasure BUT YOUR BEST FRIEND WHO KNOWS YOUR SECRETS, and believe me if you love someone and are in love with them sex doesn't have to be ho hum it can be wicked and cheeky and funny and ....just hot as you get to know every part of someone elses body what turns them on what turns them off how to make them only see your face......

 

 

much better than quantity of sexual partners....is the quality of one sexual partner, you haven't made love until you have made love on the spin cycle of an old washing machine with a partner who knows exactly how to get you to want to get off that machine.....and find a more comfortable spot and that partner knows exactly where to take you where you would eb comfortable and then makes you forget everything else.

 

you cannot and i repeat that cannot get that in quantity.OPEN communication, OPEN honesty, NO to OPEN relationship and yes to ONE partner knowing everything there is to know about you your body and intimate pleasures......treasure that.....sorry about the suggestive middle part i wanted to imagery the fact that monogamy is not boring i could have been more graphic in my descriptions....that is for my future partner...and for him to find out...deb

[Ninjainpajamas]

To answer your question...

 

No it's not worth pushing a man towards monogamy that does not desire it.

 

Nothing you can do can force a man into a committed relationship without infidelity If he does not desire to do so...I've seen some women hold on though however and wait till said man got a little older and ran out of steam, like If it's about weathering some kind of storm....kind of a wear-him-out-with-persistence type strategy. I see it all the time, because god forbid letting a man choose you, no panic, and worry that you'll not find anyone better than hold on tight until you figure out a way to wrangle him in like some kind of wild horse.

 

I guess that "works" in some cases depending on timing...hell that might even be how many people get married, but you didn't win over the guy, you just made him give up If that was the case.

 

People in general are all about feeling different, special, unique, individuals who think completely separate from one another and do nothing in a pattern or like the "typical person"...nobody likes to be judged and put in a box, regardless of whether what they're doing or thinking is completely typical, predictable and just another way of skinning a cat basically. The way people see it is that their experiences and feelings are their own...so even IF you're right, judging others will throw up an automatic wall...it doesn't matter what you say...nobody wants to let you be right about them especially If your objective is to be negative or hurtful.

 

Therefore you're right about him lying Verhrzn, he will do exactly that and he will defend himself vigorously to prove himself different...even If that means denying himself of his own true emotions and desires just to appease you.

 

He will deny...not because he's only lying to you, he's lying to himself. In order to sell something well, you've got to believe in it.

 

He does have a sexual desire for that girl in the skirt at work or whatever, he's got the sexual urge and If you weren't with him he probably would do it...It's likely he even feels you are holding him back to some degree. He explained to you frustration because that's what he feels in having to resist...a lot of guys though like to pretend they can get somewhere with women and use the women in their relationships as an excuse. Kind of like the guy who's watching a professional sports game and says "what, I could have done that!"...sure you could have....sure you could have.

 

Men tend to over-estimate their ability even when their results are poor. If the proof was in the pudding was something men based their egos off of then they'd all be insecure drama queens. Without telling themselves they could do more, do her or her, win this or that, they couldn't even try anymore and It's because every man has to in some aspect feel like he's the best at what he does in some way shape or form just to keep going. And you know what the funny thing is....women believe a mans little self-pump speech.

 

But don't over-estimate a mans capabilities...women are poor judges of men in general because It's all emotional based, without the emotions and If you were just to look at a blank face man...for example just had a guy act the way your current BF did that you had no emotional attachment to...what would you think?...screw that guy, I would never date him! (however in your case that seems to be tolerable/normal)...and that's why other women can jump on their high horse when seeing other women, because they can only see out not in...but they're all making the same mistakes.

 

Your ex's cheated because you lack the self-esteem and you have terribly low self-worth. You already settle for the lowest bid so you don't have to deal with the pain of knowing no will be bidding higher than that. You're already expecting the worse. You've set yourself up for failure your in your relationships because you've set an expectation and standard that, and your attitude encompasses everything you do and who you are...even though It will make you extremely unhappy, It's what you come to expect and you'd rather not deal with the rejection and pain of having to know someone cheated and lied to you behind your back. And you rather not move on, not because you don't believe in these men...you don't believe that you're worth more than that so you try and convince yourself that one just wanting to be with you will be waste of your time, maybe you can protect yourself by at least knowing what they are up...but you'll never know everything If they did do it.

 

They don't open up and be honest with you because you are clearly weak and transparent...when you tell a man he can have a open-relationship he just realizes that you're someone that's going to take being pushed over...therefore he loses respect for and doesn't worry about the consequences of losing you....no man wants to be with a woman that doesn't respect herself unless he desires to abuse her, otherwise It's a draining and futile endeavor to try and build ones trust for them. You either become the broken or the fixer/compromise person.

 

You won't be happy in a open-relationship because that's not who you are....you are probably not THAT damaged and this man is not that kind of a guy who could probably pull it off anyway to be honest. So they just say no-no-no I'm good, I won't cheat...then they get an opportunity and they're like oh well, she kinda saw me going down that road anyway. You know why? because It's easier being a pussy about it and going behind your back instead of having to admit it to your face...men aren't generally open nor honest...and the kind of guys you date, seem to be of the same stock.

 

If he were to be honest and open about his other relationship....which I extremely likely doubt, then you'd still be in hurt and pain, you wouldn't want him being with someone else than with you. Plus you think it's just a sexual thing? guarantee you he'd catch feelings for someone else anyway along the way and then he'd leave you in the end.

 

Men are embarrassed, feel repressed, chained-down and misunderstood. That's why many don't express themselves honestly to women, because they know anything they can and do say will be held against them...and you know what? likely because it should...so what do they do? they shut up and let you be "confused" because even though you still don't trust them, at least you don't know what they're really thinking and women love to give men the benefit of the doubt that they are into.

 

At the end of the day, men are insecure and so are women.

 

People show it by being dishonest and avoiding vulnerability and being completely truthful (unless anonymous and even then many can't accept the truth about themselves If not the majority) they go into a shell so that you can't read their minds anymore...once they lessen the communication, then the distancing takes place and vulnerability is averted. Instead of telling you they don't want to be with you, they make sure they have someone else or give you a good enough reason not to want to be, something big so they don't have to say much, much about why they did or why they hurt you which is what they were avoiding in the first place...at this point it's already done and over with.

 

Others like to beat themselves up over the dysfunctions of the other person....seeing them as better people than they actually are because they pet their cat nicely, hug their parents, or tend to display good moral/values.. If they could only take a few tweaks here and there....then they'd be perfect. Besides I'm not perfect either right?. Then they go about the entire relationship with this balancing act hoping that one day the heavens will collide and out spitteth the "ideal" who becomes everything they want them to believe they could be...or they convince themselves that they already is the perfect person and avoid/accept his dysfunctions and issues. Conditioning themselves to the pain.

 

And you know why It works this way? because people are too scared to fix themselves, they're too scared to work on themselves so they wouldn't have to dig deep, instead they try to fix someone else and distract themselves from facing their own problems.

 

You have to decide what you want in life, and what you're willing to accept and that's that. You have to change your attitude If you want a different man, all the reasons you are attracted to these guys are because you still haven't figured yourself out. Look at your daddy issues, your insecurities and vulnerabilities, they're all tied to everything but these idiots you are dating.

 

Then worry about whether you can find a monogamous man or not, I guarantee you'll have more success fixing yourself than blaming men or everyone else for your problems...maybe you're part of the problem? considered that?

 

People are so jacked up with their issues yet they worry about the titles and technicalities...putting the cart before the horse.

 

The problem always starts within you...not other people. Stop blaming the world, asking what you're doing wrong, or If you deserve this or that. You determine your self-worth, you determine the kind of people you date, no one told you can't walk away and what you accept for your own reality as long as It is close to reality instead of some off over the top extreme-emotional-insecure-impulse or reaction...once you start having expectations and giving off "you can't walk over me" kind of attitude and vibe, and speaking up for yourself and walking away when you have to, men will start treating you different and you'll start having different relationships.

 

You're watering the plants while the house is on fire!

[suladas]

and yet she's your ex

 

seems like in the end her trust issues were confirmed and proven right once again

 

Nope not a chance that is the reason she broke up with me. If you must know, the main reason it ended was because we weren't sure if we could see a long term future together cause of the age difference. And exactly why I said earlier, I am still hopeful we will get back together one day. Not going to happen if you had trust issues.

 

Nice try though.

[kaylan]

And how exactly would being single and by myself help me work out issues, instead of just guaranteeing I'd be single forever?

You cannot be happy in a relationship when you clearly havent fixed the things that made you unhappy when you were single. If you value your relationship and how this guy feels about you, dont destroy it now with your insecure behavior.

 

I personally dont see this ending well if you stay on this path. Either let the negativity go right now, or take time on your own to work on yourself.

Or is that the idea? I can't keep and thus don't deserve a good man, so why bother trying? I know you all want me to shut up about my issues.... guess the best thing for all of you is if I just accepted being alone forever.

Im not saying anyone of that. YOU ARE. You keep telling yourself you dont deserve a kind and loving man. You keep creating threads about how this guy is going to want other women or how he will leave you. You are the one whos gonna make yourself alone if you dont work on your issues. Remember what I said last time about a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

... And a good guy who wants to have sex with his coworker. Really?

What??? Admitting you found a coworker attractive, or anyone attractive for that matter, doesnt mean he needs to sleep with her. People dont just stop finding people attractive when they are in relationships. Edited September 12, 2012 by kaylan

[xxoo]

... And a good guy who wants to have sex with his coworker. Really?

 

Why not?

 

I want to buy the entire collection of dresses at REI, but I want to save for a house more.

 

I want to eat cheesecake for 3 meals a day, but I want a healthy body more.

 

I want to sit on the couch after work, but I want to train for my race more.

 

I want to have sex with my coworker, but I want to have a monogamous relationship with my partner more.

[verhrzn]

To answer your question...

 

No it's not worth pushing a man towards monogamy that does not desire it.

 

Nothing you can do can force a man into a committed relationship without infidelity If he does not desire to do so...I've seen some women hold on though however and wait till said man got a little older and ran out of steam, like If it's about weathering some kind of storm....kind of a wear-him-out-with-persistence type strategy. I see it all the time, because god forbid letting a man choose you, no panic, and worry that you'll not find anyone better than hold on tight until you figure out a way to wrangle him in like some kind of wild horse.

 

I guess that "works" in some cases depending on timing...hell that might even be how many people get married, but you didn't win over the guy, you just made him give up If that was the case.

 

People in general are all about feeling different, special, unique, individuals who think completely separate from one another and do nothing in a pattern or like the "typical person"...nobody likes to be judged and put in a box, regardless of whether what they're doing or thinking is completely typical, predictable and just another way of skinning a cat basically. The way people see it is that their experiences and feelings are their own...so even IF you're right, judging others will throw up an automatic wall...it doesn't matter what you say...nobody wants to let you be right about them especially If your objective is to be negative or hurtful.

 

Therefore you're right about him lying Verhrzn, he will do exactly that and he will defend himself vigorously to prove himself different...even If that means denying himself of his own true emotions and desires just to appease you.

 

He will deny...not because he's only lying to you, he's lying to himself. In order to sell something well, you've got to believe in it.

 

He does have a sexual desire for that girl in the skirt at work or whatever, he's got the sexual urge and If you weren't with him he probably would do it...It's likely he even feels you are holding him back to some degree. He explained to you frustration because that's what he feels in having to resist...a lot of guys though like to pretend they can get somewhere with women and use the women in their relationships as an excuse. Kind of like the guy who's watching a professional sports game and says "what, I could have done that!"...sure you could have....sure you could have.

 

Men tend to over-estimate their ability even when their results are poor. If the proof was in the pudding was something men based their egos off of then they'd all be insecure drama queens. Without telling themselves they could do more, do her or her, win this or that, they couldn't even try anymore and It's because every man has to in some aspect feel like he's the best at what he does in some way shape or form just to keep going. And you know what the funny thing is....women believe a mans little self-pump speech.

 

But don't over-estimate a mans capabilities...women are poor judges of men in general because It's all emotional based, without the emotions and If you were just to look at a blank face man...for example just had a guy act the way your current BF did that you had no emotional attachment to...what would you think?...screw that guy, I would never date him! (however in your case that seems to be tolerable/normal)...and that's why other women can jump on their high horse when seeing other women, because they can only see out not in...but they're all making the same mistakes.

 

Your ex's cheated because you lack the self-esteem and you have terribly low self-worth. You already settle for the lowest bid so you don't have to deal with the pain of knowing no will be bidding higher than that. You're already expecting the worse. You've set yourself up for failure your in your relationships because you've set an expectation and standard that, and your attitude encompasses everything you do and who you are...even though It will make you extremely unhappy, It's what you come to expect and you'd rather not deal with the rejection and pain of having to know someone cheated and lied to you behind your back. And you rather not move on, not because you don't believe in these men...you don't believe that you're worth more than that so you try and convince yourself that one just wanting to be with you will be waste of your time, maybe you can protect yourself by at least knowing what they are up...but you'll never know everything If they did do it.

 

They don't open up and be honest with you because you are clearly weak and transparent...when you tell a man he can have a open-relationship he just realizes that you're someone that's going to take being pushed over...therefore he loses respect for and doesn't worry about the consequences of losing you....no man wants to be with a woman that doesn't respect herself unless he desires to abuse her, otherwise It's a draining and futile endeavor to try and build ones trust for them. You either become the broken or the fixer/compromise person.

 

You won't be happy in a open-relationship because that's not who you are....you are probably not THAT damaged and this man is not that kind of a guy who could probably pull it off anyway to be honest. So they just say no-no-no I'm good, I won't cheat...then they get an opportunity and they're like oh well, she kinda saw me going down that road anyway. You know why? because It's easier being a pussy about it and going behind your back instead of having to admit it to your face...men aren't generally open nor honest...and the kind of guys you date, seem to be of the same stock.

 

If he were to be honest and open about his other relationship....which I extremely likely doubt, then you'd still be in hurt and pain, you wouldn't want him being with someone else than with you. Plus you think it's just a sexual thing? guarantee you he'd catch feelings for someone else anyway along the way and then he'd leave you in the end.

 

Men are embarrassed, feel repressed, chained-down and misunderstood. That's why many don't express themselves honestly to women, because they know anything they can and do say will be held against them...and you know what? likely because it should...so what do they do? they shut up and let you be "confused" because even though you still don't trust them, at least you don't know what they're really thinking and women love to give men the benefit of the doubt that they are into.

 

At the end of the day, men are insecure and so are women.

 

People show it by being dishonest and avoiding vulnerability and being completely truthful (unless anonymous and even then many can't accept the truth about themselves If not the majority) they go into a shell so that you can't read their minds anymore...once they lessen the communication, then the distancing takes place and vulnerability is averted. Instead of telling you they don't want to be with you, they make sure they have someone else or give you a good enough reason not to want to be, something big so they don't have to say much, much about why they did or why they hurt you which is what they were avoiding in the first place...at this point it's already done and over with.

 

Others like to beat themselves up over the dysfunctions of the other person....seeing them as better people than they actually are because they pet their cat nicely, hug their parents, or tend to display good moral/values.. If they could only take a few tweaks here and there....then they'd be perfect. Besides I'm not perfect either right?. Then they go about the entire relationship with this balancing act hoping that one day the heavens will collide and out spitteth the "ideal" who becomes everything they want them to believe they could be...or they convince themselves that they already is the perfect person and avoid/accept his dysfunctions and issues. Conditioning themselves to the pain.

 

And you know why It works this way? because people are too scared to fix themselves, they're too scared to work on themselves so they wouldn't have to dig deep, instead they try to fix someone else and distract themselves from facing their own problems.

 

You have to decide what you want in life, and what you're willing to accept and that's that. You have to change your attitude If you want a different man, all the reasons you are attracted to these guys are because you still haven't figured yourself out. Look at your daddy issues, your insecurities and vulnerabilities, they're all tied to everything but these idiots you are dating.

 

Then worry about whether you can find a monogamous man or not, I guarantee you'll have more success fixing yourself than blaming men or everyone else for your problems...maybe you're part of the problem? considered that?

 

People are so jacked up with their issues yet they worry about the titles and technicalities...putting the cart before the horse.

 

The problem always starts within you...not other people. Stop blaming the world, asking what you're doing wrong, or If you deserve this or that. You determine your self-worth, you determine the kind of people you date, no one told you can't walk away and what you accept for your own reality as long as It is close to reality instead of some off over the top extreme-emotional-insecure-impulse or reaction...once you start having expectations and giving off "you can't walk over me" kind of attitude and vibe, and speaking up for yourself and walking away when you have to, men will start treating you different and you'll start having different relationships.

 

You're watering the plants while the house is on fire!

 

Your post completely contradicts itself! So, men don't open up and they will totally cheat... but I should still trust them and work on myself! Oh, and I should know my self-worth... except I settle for the lowest bid because I know nothing else is coming. So I should, what, just not settle at all and be alone forever?? That's better??

 

And how does walking away from Man A mean Man B will treat me better? Is there some sort of memo going around saying "Oh man, V won't let you get away with that stuff!" That makes no sense.

 

But hey, good to know that once again I am responsible for my exes cheating, that I deserved it, that somehow men are going to cheat but it's totally cause I "let them," and that this guy is going to leave me anyway! Good pep talk, keep em up.

[verhrzn]

Why not?

 

I want to buy the entire collection of dresses at REI, but I want to save for a house more.

 

I want to eat cheesecake for 3 meals a day, but I want a healthy body more.

 

I want to sit on the couch after work, but I want to train for my race more.

 

I want to have sex with my coworker, but I want to have a monogamous relationship with my partner more.

 

And why exactly would he want a monogamous relationship with me more? That's what nobody ever really explains.

[KungFuJoe]

And why exactly would he want a monogamous relationship with me more? That's what nobody ever really explains.

 

Basically, what you are saying is...

 

"I'm not good enough for a man to be satisfied with who I am"

 

You are the perfect example of a self fulfilling prophecy...which I think someone already mentioned earlier, but it bears repeating.

[verhrzn]

Basically, what you are saying is...

 

"I'm not good enough for a man to be satisfied with who I am"

 

You are the perfect example of a self fulfilling prophecy...which I think someone already mentioned earlier, but it bears repeating.

 

What exactly is the difference between a self-fulfilling prophecy and just a prophecy? How is it not just me calling em like I see em? No guy ever HAS been satisfied with me, so why would that change? Why is that self-fulfilling instead of just, ya know, the truth? Am I supposed to put on rose-colored glasses and ignore reality?

 

In my last thread, everybody said that the ways a guy would deal with finding someone better than me is by cheating on me, or dumping me. I am trying to find a workable solution around that. Why is that bad??

[KungFuJoe]

What exactly is the difference between a self-fulfilling prophecy and just a prophecy? How is it not just me calling em like I see em? No guy ever HAS been satisfied with me, so why would that change? Why is that self-fulfilling instead of just, ya know, the truth? Am I supposed to put on rose-colored glasses and ignore reality?

 

In my last thread, everybody said that the ways a guy would deal with finding someone better than me is by cheating on me, or dumping me. I am trying to find a workable solution around that. Why is that bad??

 

How old are you?

 

How many relationships have you had?

[verhrzn]

How old are you?

 

How many relationships have you had?

 

I am 27. I have had about 5 relationships lasting between 6 months to 3 years.

[xxoo]

What exactly is the difference between a self-fulfilling prophecy and just a prophecy?

 

It is impossible to be a really awesome partner when you are consumed with distrust, fear, and doubts.

 

If you were you, but without the fear and distrust, you would be a different kind of girlfriend. Same person (same size, same hobbies, same face), but a better girlfriend, and you would likely have better relationship experiences.

[verhrzn]

It is impossible to be a really awesome partner when you are consumed with distrust, fear, and doubts.

 

If you were you, but without the fear and distrust, you would be a different kind of girlfriend. Same person (same size, same hobbies, same face), but a better girlfriend, and you would likely have better relationship experiences.

 

I didn't start out this way. I started out as me, full of trust... to the point of being rather dumbly naive about it, honestly. My first bf took VERY full advantage of me, and I allowed it, because I didn't want to look insecure or mistrust him.

 

I'd actually say that in my last relationship, I was serenely trusting. He spend the night at other girl's houses. He pointed out girls on the street he thought were hot. Girls texted him constantly, he'd had tons of casual sex partners. And yet I completely trusted him, didn't question him, held my head high.... and he still cheated.

 

So, nope, sorry, not buying that I am responsible somehow for the ways guys' treated me because I'm not "trusting" or "secure" enough. I may be responsible in that I am me, and should have been suspicious from the start that they were interested.

 

I tried the truth thing, and each time it failed me. So now I am trying a different track. I don't understand why that earns me such scorn, that I am trying to safeguard my relationship with honesty and acceptance.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Your post completely contradicts itself! So, men don't open up and they will totally cheat... but I should still trust them and work on myself! Oh, and I should know my self-worth... except I settle for the lowest bid because I know nothing else is coming. So I should, what, just not settle at all and be alone forever?? That's better??

 

And how does walking away from Man A mean Man B will treat me better? Is there some sort of memo going around saying "Oh man, V won't let you get away with that stuff!" That makes no sense.

 

But hey, good to know that once again I am responsible for my exes cheating, that I deserved it, that somehow men are going to cheat but it's totally cause I "let them," and that this guy is going to leave me anyway! Good pep talk, keep em up.

 

You're not responsible for another persons actions...but you can enable the behavior, you can indicate to them that you are a prime target, and not someone to be valued or taken seriously by your own demonstration of self-respect and boundaries.

 

Ever noticed how insecure women are repeatedly treated badly by men...what is that? just a string of bad luck? what allowed things to go that far? who chose to bend in that situation hoping it would bring them success? do you not see yourself doing the same thing but even lower.

 

I never said you should trust a man, you should only trust a person by them demonstrating that they were trustworthy.

 

I also told you why those men weren't honest with you. Men who have honest intentions will be honest and open with you, not try to be transparent or clearly make gestures that you can see through, you need to press them for clarity...the harder you have the press, the more suspicious you should be.

 

But your whole mental/emotional balance is so jacked up right now because you're in such a rage, you don't even see how self destructive of a person you are to yourself right now...and that's the saddest part.

 

Your issues will allow you to be in situations you don't want to be because even IF you don't want to be in them you still will...I'm not sure what you don't get about that.

 

Clearly you are the lights are on right now but nobody is home...maybe you'll read this when you have some capacity to absorb it.

 

All in all I feel sorry for you.