Is It Worth It To Push For Monogamy?

[Disenchantedly Yours]

Why not? We are constantly telling people on the board to have realistic standards, to stop holding out for impossible mates, etc.

 

Given my history and my experiences, obviously having a monogamous relationship is unrealistic for me. Now I am trying to work around in the best way I can... and instead of helping, people are instead just slapping me down!

 

It is very frustrating that I am trying to find a way that works for me, and people keep wanting me to squeeze into these boxes and label me. I explained, in great detail, what my brain is like.... And it seems like people are just telling me to completely change my entire personality!

 

Sorry if I'm being "petulant" but this is deeply annoying.

 

V, if you REALLY wanted to have an open relationship, if that is REALLY what you wanted, you wouldn't be posting about it. You would just be going off and doing it. And if you do really want an open relationship, why are you looking so hard for board approvel??

 

People aren't slapping you down. They are trying to tell you that if you don't really want an open relationship, and obviously you don't, that you should not participate in a relationship that is open!

 

You are not trying to find a way that works for you. You are working your frustration out on the board and ignoring a great deal what people are telling you. You obviously feel defeated right now. Let down. Tired. Annoyed. That's okay. That's normal. That's human. But if you think laying down like a whipped dog and accepting something in your relationship you don't accept is going to make you happy, you are fooling yourself.

 

Come on now. Be completely honest. If all things were perfect in the world, what is the kind of relationship you would ultimately want?

[AlexCross]

If he cheats on me, I will be much worse off than I was before. And considering I am batting almost a perfect score for guys cheating on me, it is highly likely.

 

 

 

And why is it bullocks? How am I not emotionally capable of giving in a relationship? You are jumping from one tree branch to another... you assume I am not emotionally healthy because I describe myself (accurately.) I don't berate... that's how YOU interpret it. You are the one associating it with negative things! Stop putting that on me.

 

There are plenty of relationships that are not equally reciprocal. Maybe one partner has deteriorating health problems. Maybe another is wealthier. Maybe one of them has a low sexual libido. Maybe they LIKE the unequal power dynamic.

 

Maybe the crowd at LS is just too conservative to understand that an open relationship, even one that is one-sided, can be healthy and happy...

 

Well guess what, all your issues can be resolved, but you refuse to acknowledge that. Calling yourself ugly is berating yourself, that is not fact, that your opinion. Even a libido can be fixed. There is no point in giving you any feed back. Why even make this thread ? For validation that you want your boyfriend to stick his will in strange men while you sit back and play victim ? Everyone has tried to give you real meaningful advice. You refuse to acknowledge it. Do as you please. I am sure another thread will pop up about how he slept with another woman.

[verhrzn]

V, if you REALLY wanted to have an open relationship, if that is REALLY what you wanted, you wouldn't be posting about it. You would just be going off and doing it. And if you do really want an open relationship, why are you looking so hard for board approvel??

 

People aren't slapping you down. They are trying to tell you that if you don't really want an open relationship, and obviously you don't, that you should not participate in a relationship that is open!

 

You are not trying to find a way that works for you. You are working your frustration out on the board and ignoring a great deal what people are telling you. You obviously feel defeated right now. Let down. Tired. Annoyed. That's okay. That's normal. That's human. But if you think laying down like a whipped dog and accepting something in your relationship you don't accept is going to make you happy, you are fooling yourself.

 

Come on now. Be completely honest. If all things were perfect in the world, what is the kind of relationship you would ultimately want?

 

I don't really do anything out in the world without some sort of approval. I thought that was obvious? Because I have such difficulty understanding complex social situations, I post about pretty much any issue I encounter that seems socially sticky. It's not so much board approval I'm seeking... it's more a sounding board to try to understand what's going on, inside my head and inside human relations. I don't do ANYTHING socially without deeply over-analyzing it.

 

And since my friends won't listen to me about relationship problems, congratulations, you are the lucky recipients.

 

And I already explained that NO, in a perfect world, it isn't what I wanted. In a perfect world, I'd also have 80 million dollars, be an award-winning novelist, and have men constantly flirting with me.

 

But that is not realistic. It is not realistic to WANT what I can't have. So I am trying to figure out how to want what I do have, or how to make what I can get work for me.

 

Unless you can point out another option besides an open relationship that would work for all of this data points. Other people have said be single. Because of course, being single is such a JOY for me. (I hate it. I hate it with the fire of a thousand suns. HATE.)

[AlexCross]

Maybe the crowd at LS is just too conservative to understand that an open relationship, even one that is one-sided, can be healthy and happy...

 

No I am traditional. But thats me. There is nothing healthy or happy about possibly exposing yourself to STDS. And I don't think open relationships are viewed as healthy and happy by most. Since you seem to base your view on how people view you I will answer that most dont think its healthy or happy to share your partner.

 

For my other thread I mean to type strange women.

[xxoo]

Maybe the crowd at LS is just too conservative to understand that an open relationship, even one that is one-sided, can be healthy and happy...

 

I'm far from conservative. I know some people IRL who are happily in open relationships.

 

But I also know the complexity of open relationships. That's why I suggested that you read on a poly message board before jumping into an open relationship, and see the kinds of issues that commonly come up.

 

Have you done a lot of reading on the topic of real couples in open relationships?

 

Mostly, I can not stress enough that an open relationship does NOT affair-proof your relationship! So if that is your only reason to open the relationship, it is a poor reason. Without all the heavy communication and negotiation that goes with the process, you could easily facilitate an affair by opening the relationship.

[ThaWholigan]

There are plenty of relationships that are not equally reciprocal. Maybe one partner has deteriorating health problems. Maybe another is wealthier. Maybe one of them has a low sexual libido. Maybe they LIKE the unequal power dynamic.

 

Maybe the crowd at LS is just too conservative to understand that an open relationship, even one that is one-sided, can be healthy and happy...

 

The key word is HAPPY.

 

A one sided open relationship can be happy if both parties are happy with it. I don't think you even read my post earlier but whatever, I actually took quite a bit of time to write it.

 

Would you be happy with it? Or are you compensating because you hate being single? Do you really believe that this arrangement is better than being single?

 

If you genuinely believe this and would be happy, then I support you. Go for it. Otherwise, it is just a stupid idea.

 

For the record, if I can't get what I need out of a relationship, I will be alone. I've coped thus far and I'm happy .

[suladas]

I can't believe this thread is still going on.

[Jane2011]

Just a comment about open relationships. Even if a couple is happy in an open relationship, it's very likely that a person one of them is seeing is very miserable in the open relationship and/or they're settling (and hurting themselves).

 

An open relationship working or not isn't determined just by how the original man or woman feel; the new partners' feelings matter, too.

 

I had a pen pal for a while who was in an open relationship who kept telling me about how lovely it was between him and his two women (one his wife, the other his girlfriend). For a while, I believed it. But then it occurred to me...I'm having conversations with a man who has two women. I wonder how one of the women would sound if she were talking to me? The guy's never going to admit it, but there's a lot of tension and jealousy in this situation. I also had a female pen pal who was in an open relationship; she had a boyfriend who had a wife. Every week she was like, "She (the wife) is trying to sabotage us..."

 

I really like the concept of open relationships, but the reality is way more catty than monogamous relationships, and it's rather unappealing.

[verhrzn]

Just a comment about open relationships. Even if a couple is happy in an open relationship, it's very likely that a person one of them is seeing is very miserable in the open relationship and/or they're settling (and hurting themselves).

 

An open relationship working or not isn't determined just by how the original man or woman feel; the new partners' feelings matter, too.

 

I had a pen pal for a while who was in an open relationship who kept telling me about how lovely it was between him and his two women (one his wife, the other his girlfriend). For a while, I believed it. But then it occurred to me...I'm having conversations with a man who has two women. I wonder how one of the women would sound if she were talking to me? The guy's never going to admit it, but there's a lot of tension and jealousy in this situation. I also had a female pen pal who was in an open relationship; she had a boyfriend who had a wife. Every week she was like, "She (the wife) is trying to sabotage us..."

 

I really like the concept of open relationships, but the reality is way more catty than monogamous relationships, and it's rather unappealing.

 

So I keep asking, what's the alternative that works with all the data points? The only answer is apparently: "be single." Which, yes to all the judgy posters, is worse for me. (That does not mean I'd accept ANY relationship... but I'd accept an open relationship with THIS guy over being single.)

 

I just hate being single so much, and I hate being cheated on. So what's left?

[ThaWholigan]

I know you aren't going to want to read this but:

 

Hating being single is f*cking stupid and irrational. You're going to have to work on that and learn to be happy with it. I know you're going to retort and say something about us wanting you to be lonely (which is BS because we are actually concerned about you) or how unhappy you are, but honestly, everyone has to deal with being single at varying points in their life. It's not like you've been single your whole life either. You're going to have to learn to love yourself enough to tolerate being single. If you can't do that, then nobody can help you and you will find it difficult to be happy even in a relationship unless you learn to be happy single.

 

I say the same to guys in your predicament, I'm saying the same to you.

 

I'm not even gonna dissuade you from attempting an open relationship, because if you really want it go for it. But you shouldn't use "hating being single" as an excuse because it makes you sound like a spoiled child.

 

I know I was harsh, but honestly, it's better that.

[Jane2011]

So I keep asking, what's the alternative that works with all the data points? The only answer is apparently: "be single." Which, yes to all the judgy posters, is worse for me. (That does not mean I'd accept ANY relationship... but I'd accept an open relationship with THIS guy over being single.)

 

I just hate being single so much, and I hate being cheated on. So what's left?

 

This is the guy who you think is too good for you just because he's going to grad school, right?

 

You think the only way to have what you want is to settle for a guy who doesn't have to be with just you.

 

I thought that way back when I was open to the idea of being with a guy who's in an open relationship. I thought I would not be able to do better than him, so I'd be willing to have him under less than ideal circumstances. That is, I'd be willing to share him.

 

Well, I'm dating a guy now who's better than he is (he's smarter and more cultured, etc., just better in so many ways) who does not believe in open relationships. On nights he's not with me, he's daydreaming about being with me or making plans for our next outing, he's not in another woman's arms.

 

The open relationship thing didn't work out for me because something better was in store for me. But if I'd given in to less than I deserve, I'd be unavailable for the better thing that I now have.

 

I'm not saying what I have now is guaranteed to last forever, but I feel adored and cherished when a man's focus is on me and me only.

 

If you let yourself 'share' a man, you're announcing to the world that your social value is half a girlfriend with half a boyfriend, that you're not good enough to have a whole boyfriend, you only get to have half of one.

 

You deserve to have a whole boyfriend and to be a whole girlfriend!

[JayL]

You've been meeting the wrong men...

 

I'm a man in my mid 20's and I prefer monogamous... I always have.

 

Go on a few dates, if things click, I'll ask to be official.

 

It's the generation itself... both men and women prefer to just date around lately... including my last one where I had a strong feeling that she was dating around behind my back, hence her "hot and cold" emotions even after 1.5 months of being official.

 

What you need to find is someone with good morals and values and yes, they are HARD to find these days.

[verhrzn]

I know you aren't going to want to read this but:

 

Hating being single is f*cking stupid and irrational. You're going to have to work on that and learn to be happy with it. I know you're going to retort and say something about us wanting you to be lonely (which is BS because we are actually concerned about you) or how unhappy you are, but honestly, everyone has to deal with being single at varying points in their life. It's not like you've been single your whole life either. You're going to have to learn to love yourself enough to tolerate being single. If you can't do that, then nobody can help you and you will find it difficult to be happy even in a relationship unless you learn to be happy single.

 

I say the same to guys in your predicament, I'm saying the same to you.

 

I'm not even gonna dissuade you from attempting an open relationship, because if you really want it go for it. But you shouldn't use "hating being single" as an excuse because it makes you sound like a spoiled child.

 

I know I was harsh, but honestly, it's better that.

 

You misunderstand me.

 

Just because I hate being single does not mean I'd jump into just any relationship. Like I said, I have to like the guy. And just because I hate being single doesn't mean I hate being alone, or by myself. I really ENJOY me-time. Even in a relationship, I require a sizable amount of time to myself.

 

I can deal with being single. But that doesn't mean I like it. And I shouldn't HAVE to like it. Most people seek relationships or get married because they don't like being single. I hear it all the time from my dating-and-relationship-friends," Ugh, so glad I don't have to deal with the dating scene." "Oh man, I am so glad I am not single." Does that mean they don't 'deserve' to be in their relationships? No, it just means they don't like being single.

 

I'm just better when I'm in a relationship. Not to sound corny, but I'm better when I have someone to love. When I am single, I exhaust my friends... not just with my woe-is-me talk, but my just... Me talk. My talk of things that interest me.

 

The one thing I will say for my exes is they were guys who didn't go cross-eyed when I started talking about my numerous academic head-space questions. (Sample from today: "Hey, Friend A, why do you think we gender our psychological approaches to eating disorders?" Friend A: "Oh God, V, shut up.")

 

My boyfriend is my best friend. When I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a best friend. Yeah, yeah, be my OWN best friend... but I need companionship that is not ME. I need intellectual stimulation that is not just my own thoughts bouncing back at me.

 

.... There aren't many people that get me. For the cheating-and-"jerky" guys they were, my exes did. That's why I liked them. It's why I choose to date them.

 

I can deal with being single. I just don't like it, and it is not my preferred state of being. It is also not what I want in the long run.... and my clock is kind of running out here, thus my concern about finding one. Better?

[suladas]

Agreed, being single sucks, but you just have to accept it and be able to be happy being single. You cannot truly be happy if your happiness depends on someone else. No matter what you think, you will find someone else eventually. It took me nearly 23 years to get into a relationship and I can say that and believe it, how can you not believe it when you've been in 5, lasting up to 3 years?

 

Your really not seeing how good you have it. You've had a 3 year relationship, do you know how many people near your age who would kill to of had that?

 

I'm 23 and the only relationship i've ever had wasn't even 2 months..... Do I blame anyone? Nope. I realize I need to work on some things about myself and base it on the fact that i've never had the courage to ask a girl out, the only reason I was in a relationship was because I got asked out.

 

Until you can accept that you have to work on yourself I can't see where you will ever find a good relationship.

[Jane2011]

p.s. On OkCupid not long ago, yet another open relationship guy contacted me. I enjoyed writing him back and saying, "No f---king thanks." (I actually was polite about it).

 

A little later, out of curiosity, I read some of his answers to the OkCupid questions. So many of them were gross. To a few of the sex questions, he was like, "I like to f-ck. If you don't want to get f*cked, we wouldn't be a good match."

 

I was like...WTF?

 

Even if one is into sex (which there is nothing wrong with), why be so damn vulgar about it on OkCupid?

 

I don't think all open relationship people are this uncouth and gross, but what with my recent experience, I think a lot of them are just into sexual variety and "f-cking" lots of people in polyamory's clothing.

[ThaWholigan]

You misunderstand me.

 

Just because I hate being single does not mean I'd jump into just any relationship. Like I said, I have to like the guy. And just because I hate being single doesn't mean I hate being alone, or by myself. I really ENJOY me-time. Even in a relationship, I require a sizable amount of time to myself.

 

I can deal with being single. But that doesn't mean I like it. And I shouldn't HAVE to like it. Most people seek relationships or get married because they don't like being single. I hear it all the time from my dating-and-relationship-friends," Ugh, so glad I don't have to deal with the dating scene." "Oh man, I am so glad I am not single." Does that mean they don't 'deserve' to be in their relationships? No, it just means they don't like being single.

 

I'm just better when I'm in a relationship. Not to sound corny, but I'm better when I have someone to love. When I am single, I exhaust my friends... not just with my woe-is-me talk, but my just... Me talk. My talk of things that interest me.

 

The one thing I will say for my exes is they were guys who didn't go cross-eyed when I started talking about my numerous academic head-space questions. (Sample from today: "Hey, Friend A, why do you think we gender our psychological approaches to eating disorders?" Friend A: "Oh God, V, shut up.")

 

My boyfriend is my best friend. When I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a best friend. Yeah, yeah, be my OWN best friend... but I need companionship that is not ME. I need intellectual stimulation that is not just my own thoughts bouncing back at me.

 

.... There aren't many people that get me. For the cheating-and-"jerky" guys they were, my exes did. That's why I liked them. It's why I choose to date them.

 

I can deal with being single. I just don't like it, and it is not my preferred state of being. It is also not what I want in the long run.... and my clock is kind of running out here, thus my concern about finding one. Better?

I suppose...

 

I'm lucky then, I like being single . I never get tired of Wholigan . As much as I want a relationship, I don't want a sh*t one, so I can wait.

 

I hear you though. One thing though. Your friends. If I were you, I would have knocked one of them out with a 2x4 by now and went to jail.

[xxoo]

My boyfriend is my best friend. When I don't have a boyfriend, I don't have a best friend. Yeah, yeah, be my OWN best friend... but I need companionship that is not ME. I need intellectual stimulation that is not just my own thoughts bouncing back at me.

 

There is nothing wrong with your bf being your best friend.

 

But why can't you have a best friend without having a bf? How about a gay male friend, or a female friend?

 

Your "me talk" sounds a lot like mine. My H is my best friend, but I don't have many of those conversations with him, because he will zone out like your female friends. I have those conversations on LS, for the most part. While in university, I had those kinds of talks all the time! But alas, now I'm old

 

My point is--there is nothing unique about "boyfriend" that will make him share your me-talk. Any like minded friend might. And, a compatible boyfriend still might not. That's why we have many people in our lives.

[verhrzn]

I suppose...

 

I'm lucky then, I like being single . I never get tired of Wholigan . As much as I want a relationship, I don't want a sh*t one, so I can wait.

 

I hear you though. One thing though. Your friends. If I were you, I would have knocked one of them out with a 2x4 by now and went to jail.

 

Well maybe it's why I kinda don't enjoy being single... I find that a lot of single people augment the loneliness with friendships. But my friendships are... well, you've seen em.

 

My friends aren't BAD people, and the friendships aren't necessarily bad either. But my friends really, really don't get me. (Which no great crime, I'm weird.) I'm intense and exhausting, so people get tired of me real fast.

 

I like hanging out with me too. But my favorite thing to do is bounce ideas around and have debates... kinda hard to do with myself!

 

 

There is nothing wrong with your bf being your best friend.

 

But why can't you have a best friend without having a bf? How about a gay male friend, or a female friend?

 

Your "me talk" sounds a lot like mine. My H is my best friend, but I don't have many of those conversations with him, because he will zone out like your female friends. I have those conversations on LS, for the most part. While in university, I had those kinds of talks all the time! But alas, now I'm old

 

My point is--there is nothing unique about "boyfriend" that will make him share your me-talk. Any like minded friend might. And, a compatible boyfriend still might not. That's why we have many people in our lives.

 

Well that's my point, I don't have like-minded friends. In 27 years, I have yet to find someone who can deal with me, on a friendship level, for longer than a few hours once a week. Maybe two times a week if they are REALLY tolerant.

 

What can I say, I know I'm exhausting. I think my bfs put up with it either because they were exhausting in their own way (also very academic-debate-talky OR shiny-object-fun! random), and because they were getting sex out of it.

 

My friends don't get sex, so they aren't as willing to put up with it. :-P

 

I'll also say I had a much easier time being single in college because I could get a lot of my "steam" out in college classes with professors. Professors and teachers have always LOVED me for this quality. But now that I am out in the real world away from academic learning, it's much more of a paving stone around my neck kinda trait.

Edited September 13, 2012 by verhrzn

[ThaWholigan]

Well maybe it's why I kinda don't enjoy being single... I find that a lot of single people augment the loneliness with friendships. But my friendships are... well, you've seen em.

 

I don't really have to do that. I have my creative endeavors, I have my business I'm starting, I have my independent studying and reading, and yes I do have my friends too. But as much as I love being around people, I'm kind of a loner at heart.

My friends aren't BAD people, and the friendships aren't necessarily bad either. But my friends really, really don't get me. (Which no great crime, I'm weird.) I'm intense and exhausting, so people get tired of me real fast.

 

You really need to find new friends. In fact, I would make that a priority. Find people who are annoyingly intense like you or laidback enough to entertain your energy. That's what I would do.

 

I like hanging out with me too. But my favorite thing to do is bounce ideas around and have debates... kinda hard to do with myself!

 

Speak for yourself! I've never had that problem .

[xxoo]

What can I say, I know I'm exhausting. I think my bfs put up with it either because they were exhausting in their own way (also very academic-debate-talky OR shiny-object-fun! random), and because they were getting sex out of it.

 

I still don't understand why you can't make friends with academic-debate-talky people.

 

Consider that things we consider cute and quirky during the honeymoon period often become grating when the new relationship hormones wear off. If he is only tolerating it for sex, that tolerance may wear off....

 

Now, a truly compatible guy who loves to debate equally would be great

[verhrzn]

I don't really have to do that. I have my creative endeavors, I have my business I'm starting, I have my independent studying and reading, and yes I do have my friends too. But as much as I love being around people, I'm kind of a loner at heart.

 

 

You really need to find new friends. In fact, I would make that a priority. Find people who are annoyingly intense like you or laidback enough to entertain your energy. That's what I would do.

 

Uh... if you can point me towards some. Cause like I said, the only people who have EVER been able to handle it are teachers/professors, and that's cause we were in an academic setting.

 

I got kicked out of a book club for being too, well, talkative-annoying. When I was kid, they used to hold me down on the playground and duct-tape my mouth shut.

 

For the record, my mother has the exact same problem. She is very unpopular among peers, mostly because she is not only very analytic, but very talkative and intense and all that.

 

I expect in my older age I'll become a loner like my parents. I was in high school... I used to be able to just sit at my computer from the time I got home from school until 2 am and just write my novel, or sit for hours alone reading my book.

 

But I lost that loner-quality sometime around beginning of college.

 

 

I still don't understand why you can't make friends with academic-debate-talky people.

 

Consider that things we consider cute and quirky during the honeymoon period often become grating when the new relationship hormones wear off. If he is only tolerating it for sex, that tolerance may wear off....

 

Now, a truly compatible guy who loves to debate equally would be great

 

Even the academic types find me annoying! That's just how intense I am, that even people who do it professionally don't really want to engage me too long.

 

And why do you think I'm trying so hard to hang onto this guy? He loves debating and doing academic-think-tanks. It's pretty much what we spend most of our time as a couple doing!

[suladas]

I don't really have to do that. I have my creative endeavors, I have my business I'm starting, I have my independent studying and reading, and yes I do have my friends too. But as much as I love being around people, I'm kind of a loner at heart.

 

 

You really need to find new friends. In fact, I would make that a priority. Find people who are annoyingly intense like you or laidback enough to entertain your energy. That's what I would do.

 

 

 

Speak for yourself! I've never had that problem .

 

Honestly some days i'm happy to be alone, some i'm not. It is a lot less work being single and not worrying about women at all though. The biggest thing I really miss is just someone to talk to on a daily basis that friends just can't provide. Or waking up next to someone, I really miss that. But it just can't be anyone, that will not make you happy, so it's worth waiting to find the right person. I usually enjoy a lot of alone time, but I must say being with the right person I didn't want my alone time much anymore.

 

But you can't control it, so you just got to be happy with what you have.

[AD1980]

Im with wholigan find new friends..as bitter iam about the dating scene and lack of sucess with women i dont know where id be without my friends..and im not a social buttefly who has hundreds of friends but my few true friends are there for me and make me feel better about myself whe im down.

 

I think somebody like you who has a tendceny to be pessimistic and get down really needs that support sytem to keep yourself going.From the stories youve told your friends dont seem like the greatest friends in the world who enhance your life and esteem..

[AD1980]

The one thign i can relate to you a little on though is overanalyzing things.

 

.I always second guess ssoemthing i did or ssaid and worry my friends are gonna dislike me or think im odd for saying it even though they love me..Im too much of a people pleaser at times

[KathyM]

I think if you don't respect yourself or value yourself enough, then your boyfriend is not going to either. If you don't think you're good enough for him, then he is not going to think so either. Don't be giving him the impression that he's free to have other women, or putting those thoughts into his mind that he could have others on the side. He won't respect or value you if you do that. I think it's great that you found this guy, now please don't mess it up because of jealousy or self esteem issues. You need to learn to value yourself and expect to be valued by the person you are dating. If you don't, then he will not either.