Is It Worth It To Push For Monogamy?

[verhrzn]

Just as important is you standing up for your own needs and happiness. Would you really feel secure and happy knowing your man was having sex with another woman?

 

I'd feel happier and more secure knowing about it than not. My ideal would be him having no desire for any other woman... but that is not realistic. Monogamy is not realistic for me, just like marrying a rich man is not realistic for some other women.

 

Maybe so, but you have to realize that not everyone is like you. Most people dream of certain things they do not have. Some work hard to get them. Others do nothing to get them. Some work hard and get some of them, but not all of them. I don't have a roving eye when I'm happy with a man - but I can imagine having a harmless curiosity or crush about some sexy guy, and it being no threat to my relationship whatsoever.

 

I suppose, but it's still a bizarre thing to wrap my head around. More importantly, it FEELS like a thread to me. Even if my bf never cheats, the desire to have sex with another woman feels very threatening and awful to me... and yet, oddly, if he just went ahead and DID it, I'd feel more secure, because of that whole "honesty, show all your cards" angle.

 

So, if you're not going to be enough for a guy, you see your options as be single or have an open/alternative relationship?

 

Yes. Can you think of other options?

[KungFuJoe]

Having an open relationship requires a TON of confidence.

 

I'm a VERY confident person but even I admit I couldn't handle an open relationship.

 

You...with your complete lack of self esteem? Good luck.

[ScreamingTrees]

Well I wanted advice on how to go about doing it, and if other people have had experiences with it. I don't mind the armchair psychologists, but if they're going to armchair, they need to understand my psyche, which sometimes I don't always explain fully.

 

You keep saying "why settle." But I've explained why settle.... Because I like him, and because given my past experiences, it's clear a monogamous relationship is something that is not realistic for me.

 

 

 

Or... he might be like," Sweet, my gf is sexually open!" Dan Savage swears up and down any guy would LOVE to be given permission to sleep around. Now, the truth is probably somewhere between the two extremes, but I don't see why it's such a certainty he'd see it as a red flag.

 

 

 

Accepting it also means working around it. So, if the idea of an open relationship is out the window, then how do I deal with the fact that I don't fulfill his needs? How does a relationship work with that?

 

The point is, you only have what I'm going to assume are ****ty past experiences with douchebags to go on the future.. But if you're with what sounds like a good guy who WILL remain faithful, unless you don't trust or believe his word, why jump to conclusions? I've told people to go **** themselves because I had assumed that what they were saying was meant to insult me, when I had totally misinterpreted it and basically told them to F off for no reason.

 

How are you certain that he's cheating on you RIGHT NOW or is unfulfilled? You're just projecting and you're going to sabotage things.

 

He'd see it as a great thing if he's the sort of guy who WOULD sleep around. If he's not into that stuff and prefers an exclusive physical/mental connection, he'll be mortified by such a suggestion. I don't believe anyone would seek physical satisfaction outside of an otherwise healthy relationship just for "variety".. If he really does end up doing that, he wasn't that into you. But right now, it seems as though he really IS into you but you just can't process that and accept it.

 

I understand that you were looking for other's opinions.. Hopefully in the earlier pages you got some sound advice. No one can force you to do something you don't want to do, only YOU can do that to yourself.

[AlexCross]

You said one of your priorities is making him happy, how are you going to do that if you are not happy with yourself?

[Mme. Chaucer]

Or try to head off potential problems at the pass.

 

Let's say your guy has a tendency to get in a little deep when he gambles. But he isn't always aware of it, because it's not bad enough to be a life-altering problem. Wouldn't you sit him down and try to come up with strategies for avoiding him getting in too deep?

 

Bad analogy.

 

The guy I'm dating has a tendency to fall for flirting and ego validation. An open relationship seems like a good way to have everything be above-board. Again, it isn't that he cheats.... but the uncertainty around the flirting really, really gets to me.

 

If not an open relationship, how would you suggest heading off such a potential issue?

 

YOU don't WANT an open relationship. An successful open relationship needs both (or all) of the people in it to be desirous of that set up - not one person using the construct of it to attempt to control the other person. That is why the gambling analogy is not useful.

 

Since you can't deal with this guy the way he is, I think you should just break up and cut your losses.

 

Taking "time off" to fix myself would be denying myself a relationship until I'm perfect.

 

In any case, you need to deny yourself a relationship until you are capable of dealing with the reality of being in a relationship. Part of that is the FACT that you can never be sure what will happen. Yes, people do leave for other people regularly. Women do it probably as much as men.

 

Part of the reality of being in a relationship is to trust and to relinquish control.

 

Pretty sure that no matter what this fellow does, it will all be used to "prove" that you were right all along about him / men / your own undesirability.

 

That is really too bad.

 

So maybe you don't need to "fix" yourself, but you might want to learn how to relinquish the idea of being in control of uncontrollable things, and also how to CHOOSE to trust.

[ScreamingTrees]

2) I don't see much of the difference, honestly. Again, maybe my atypical brain. But I don't even fantasize unrealistically. So it is very difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone desiring something but not wanting it. What?? Makes no sense to me. If I desire something, I want it, I try to get it. If I can't get it, I don't want it. (With the exception of the general desire for a relationship.) For example, you could stick the hottest guy in front of me, my perfect 10... but if I don't think I can get him, I won't have any desire for him. Guess I am weird?...

 

NEEDING something is different from WANTING something.. You can WANT something that is not necessary or required for the outcome desired. You might WANT to inhale some Nitrous Oxide, but you NEED Oxygen to function normally either way..

 

This tells me that you have yet another counter-productive self defense mechanism; See an attractive guy that deep down you objectively feel is attractive and you'll force yourself to consider him unattractive, or consciously kill off any desire/attraction that was there because you don't see the possibility of even having a chance with the guy.. So why even give the guy a chance to shut you down and humiliate you and make you feel uglier?

 

Essentially, you give up ahead of time and probably fulfill your own prophecy. You'd be the kind of person to, say, tell an attractive mutual friend that you're not attracted to him, considering your knack for intentional self-preservational self sabotage... Just because you think he'll cheat on you or he's just looking for a pump and dump, which you couldn't possibly know.

[joystickd]

Well I wanted advice on how to go about doing it, and if other people have had experiences with it. I don't mind the armchair psychologists, but if they're going to armchair, they need to understand my psyche, which sometimes I don't always explain fully.

 

You keep saying "why settle." But I've explained why settle.... Because I like him, and because given my past experiences, it's clear a monogamous relationship is something that is not realistic for me.

 

 

 

Or... he might be like," Sweet, my gf is sexually open!" Dan Savage swears up and down any guy would LOVE to be given permission to sleep around. Now, the truth is probably somewhere between the two extremes, but I don't see why it's such a certainty he'd see it as a red flag.

 

 

 

Accepting it also means working around it. So, if the idea of an open relationship is out the window, then how do I deal with the fact that I don't fulfill his needs? How does a relationship work with that?

Change - You're My Number 1 - YouTube

 

I had to play some monogamy music to get started here.

 

A man that truly wants to be with you will have his needs fulfilled by you. There is no need for him to talk about other woman because to him you are all that he needs. You become his first, his last, his everything. A man that is truly into you brings you up and doesn't do anything to make you feel insecure.

 

Monogamy happens because you want that person to be your number 1. You both have that desire to be each other's number 1. Don't you want that? Why choose to settle to be one out of many when you can wait and find someone that chooses to be your number 1? My biggest gripe on here is some of you live in big cities and complain about not finding someone and there are plenty of single people if you just looked. Hell I live in a rural area. Its hard as hell to find someone here. You all got that ability to go out and find someone easier than I can. I either have to date much younger or find someone out of town.

[verhrzn]

NEEDING something is different from WANTING something.. You can WANT something that is not necessary or required for the outcome desired. You might WANT to inhale some Nitrous Oxide, but you NEED Oxygen to function normally either way..

 

This tells me that you have yet another counter-productive self defense mechanism; See an attractive guy that deep down you objectively feel is attractive and you'll force yourself to consider him unattractive, or consciously kill off any desire/attraction that was there because you don't see the possibility of even having a chance with the guy.. So why even give the guy a chance to shut you down and humiliate you and make you feel uglier?

 

Essentially, you give up ahead of time and probably fulfill your own prophecy. You'd be the kind of person to, say, tell an attractive mutual friend that you're not attracted to him, considering your knack for intentional self-preservational self sabotage... Just because you think he'll cheat on you or he's just looking for a pump and dump, which you couldn't possibly know.

 

I really don't see why this is a bad strategy. Posters are always telling people to be realistic... I have no real chance with a super attractive guy, so why bother?

 

Isn't it better to go "Oh okay, no chance, moving on" then sit there and pine and whine about why, oh why doesn't the hot boy want me?

 

I really don't get all the contradictory statements on this forum sometimes. If a woman is talking about how she wants a rich guy or tall guy, people put her down for having way too high of standards and being unrealistic. I am being realistic about what I "pull" in terms of guys/relationships, and now I'm told that I'm self-sabotaging?? What?

[Pirouette]

Verhrzn, would it bother you to know that others would look down on your decision to allow your boyfriend to have affairs? That it could also erode your boyfriend's respect for you?

[verhrzn]

A man that truly wants to be with you will have his needs fulfilled by you. There is no need for him to talk about other woman because to him you are all that he needs. You become his first, his last, his everything. A man that is truly into you brings you up and doesn't do anything to make you feel insecure.

 

Monogamy happens because you want that person to be your number 1. You both have that desire to be each other's number 1. Don't you want that? Why choose to settle to be one out of many when you can wait and find someone that chooses to be your number 1? My biggest gripe on here is some of you live in big cities and complain about not finding someone and there are plenty of single people if you just looked. Hell I live in a rural area. Its hard as hell to find someone here. You all got that ability to go out and find someone easier than I can. I either have to date much younger or find someone out of town.

 

That's.... nice, but no man has ever BEEN that into me. So, again, my choices are to settle, or be alone. I am just being realistic about what I can expect when it comes to relationships. Since I want a relationship, I need to adjust my requirements a little.

 

Just because my city is full of single people doesn't mean they want to date me. There needs to be more than just "Hey you're single, I'm single!" I've already explained that online AND off, guys don't find me attractive. When the opposite sex doesn't find you attractive, the entire WORLD could be single and it would do you no good.

[verhrzn]

Verhrzn, would it bother you to know that others would look down on your decision to allow your boyfriend to have affairs? That it could also erode your boyfriend's respect for you?

 

Yes, it would bother me to think that other people are judging me. I have no idea how it would erode my boyfriend's respect for me... because I'm trying to make him happy?

[AlexCross]

Yes, it would bother me to think that other people are judging me. I have no idea how it would erode my boyfriend's respect for me... because I'm trying to make him happy?

 

You need to be happy with yourself first before you can make him happy.

[verhrzn]

You need to be happy with yourself first before you can make him happy.

 

And why is that, exactly? Could you please explain the logic behind this assumption?

[Pirouette]

Yes, it would bother me to think that other people are judging me. I have no idea how it would erode my boyfriend's respect for me... because I'm trying to make him happy?

 

Then that is something that you will have to deal with, because if anyone else does become aware of such an arrangement, they most definitely will be judging you, and him, and most likely not well.

 

For the same reasons that other will judge you poorly, your boyfriend could lose respect for you, even while simultaneously enjoying the fruits of the agreement. If you had a boyfriend who did everything you said for want of pleasing you, that you could essentially order around like a slave, would you respect him for it even though he was doing it to 'make you happy'?

[bac]

I have known an attractive woman who let her handsome husband cheat on her for 30 yrs. She was very happy to take care for her 3 kids. She had no affairs herself. She has an interesting job. Her husband had many very passionate affairs with many beautiful women.

When children were about 20 y.o, she finally divorced the man.

He is now looking for a woman to replace his ex and who lets him cheat on her.

[verhrzn]

Then that is something that you will have to deal with, because if anyone else does become aware of such an arrangement, they most definitely will be judging you, and him, and most likely not well.

 

For the same reasons that other will judge you poorly, your boyfriend could lose respect for you, even while simultaneously enjoying the fruits of the agreement. If you had a boyfriend who did everything you said for want of pleasing you, that you could essentially order around like a slave, would you respect him for it even though he was doing it to 'make you happy'?

 

Yes. Why would I not be?... Isn't that a pretty normal relationship, you do things to make the other person happy? If he was sacrificing his own happiness, then no, that would make me sad... but if he's happy, and I'm happy, I don't understand why it's a bad thing.

 

And why exactly would people be judging me?

[SteveC80]

I really don't see why this is a bad strategy. Posters are always telling people to be realistic... I have no real chance with a super attractive guy, so why bother?

 

Isn't it better to go "Oh okay, no chance, moving on" then sit there and pine and whine about why, oh why doesn't the hot boy want me?

 

I really don't get all the contradictory statements on this forum sometimes. If a woman is talking about how she wants a rich guy or tall guy, people put her down for having way too high of standards and being unrealistic. I am being realistic about what I "pull" in terms of guys/relationships, and now I'm told that I'm self-sabotaging?? What?

 

I think everyone starts off wanting the hottest person and for self preservation they become attracted to what they can actually get so i dont hink what youre doing is all that odd in that instance but i dont know what harm admitting you find the hot guys hot is gonna do you if you just look

[Pirouette]

Yes. Why would I not be?... Isn't that a pretty normal relationship, you do things to make the other person happy? If he was sacrificing his own happiness, then no, that would make me sad... but if he's happy, and I'm happy, I don't understand why it's a bad thing.

 

And why exactly would people be judging me?

 

It's not just doing THINGS to make the other person happy. Yes, that it is perfectly normal. I mean doing EVERYTHING for the other person, things that they are fully capable of doing themselves.

 

If one partner wanted to be spoiled and pampered like royalty and never lift a finger, and the other partner worked like a slave to do everything the other wanted, but was happy to do it because of their slavish adoration, then there is a completely lopsided power dynamic and that is what can lead to unequal levels of respect.

 

You have pages and pages of people already judging the idea of you entering into this kind or arrangement. If you go through with it, that won't change, only heighten.

 

People judge everything. Judgment makes up the world. They will judge your reasons for doing so, and the mindset behind it. They will make judgments on your character and his. It's inevitable.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm not gonna argue, I'm just gonna point you back to my previous post:

 

Talk to your BF and be honest.

[ScreamingTrees]

I really don't see why this is a bad strategy. Posters are always telling people to be realistic... I have no real chance with a super attractive guy, so why bother?

 

Isn't it better to go "Oh okay, no chance, moving on" then sit there and pine and whine about why, oh why doesn't the hot boy want me?

 

I really don't get all the contradictory statements on this forum sometimes. If a woman is talking about how she wants a rich guy or tall guy, people put her down for having way too high of standards and being unrealistic. I am being realistic about what I "pull" in terms of guys/relationships, and now I'm told that I'm self-sabotaging?? What?

 

Every person is different.. If I was you and in your supposed situation, I still wouldn't give up because that's just how I personally am. Once you hit rock bottom, you can only go up..

 

You don't have to pine, but there are probably thousands of guys out there that you likely find attractive.. Chances are a decent portion of them would be interested if you ran into the right one.

 

I don't really care what standards someone sets for themselves nor do I put them down for it, so long as they realize that they might not find someone with those attributes who is also attracted to them.. It makes it harder for them when they don't share these attributes or have even less than that to bring to the table themselves, but I guess that can be subjective..

 

I think people can do whatever they want, and they generally will regardless of what well-meaning bystanders tell them. Everyone ultimately has to reach deep within and figure out what THEY truly want.

 

Realistic, or overly pessimistic? In reality, every individual is different. Hell, there are certainly classically attractive guys out there attracted to overweight women, or even other men, even overweight men.. They're genuinely attracted to them.. Realistically, there are people out there that can be attracted to even those with disfigured bodies and health problems.. Not that your situation is as bad as those people, but you have to be more positive and optimistic..

 

You're WITH a guy who you find very attractive, do you not? And HE CHOSE to be in a relationship with you.. So eventually you DID find someone, it DID pay off.. Now you're just questioning it when he's done nothing wrong to betray you. You're assuming he's going to cheat because you think so lowly of yourself... That has nothing to do with him.

[AD1980]

I really don't see why this is a bad strategy. Posters are always telling people to be realistic... I have no real chance with a super attractive guy, so why bother?

 

Isn't it better to go "Oh okay, no chance, moving on" then sit there and pine and whine about why, oh why doesn't the hot boy want me?

 

I really don't get all the contradictory statements on this forum sometimes. If a woman is talking about how she wants a rich guy or tall guy, people put her down for having way too high of standards and being unrealistic. I am being realistic about what I "pull" in terms of guys/relationships, and now I'm told that I'm self-sabotaging?? What?

 

There are people way worse looking then you i loving relationships so stop the pity party and how men can never be satisfied with anytihng less then models

 

There are also people whove gone through way more rleationships with you whove failed and finally had sucess so stop acting like because youve been burned in the past a few times every relationship youre ever gonna have is destined to fail

[AlexCross]

And why is that, exactly? Could you please explain the logic behind this assumption?

 

Um the semantics of a successful relationship where everything is reciprocal from emotional needs, to physical needs, to intimacy, sexual, etc are just a few of a myriad of key ingredients. You yourself admitted you have issues with the way you look, you constantly berate yourself, you think that you are stuck this way for life and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You want to give your boyfriend the option to basically sleep with other women putting your health at risk, as if you need anymore worries with your anxiety? Your whole thought process is a like a dominoe effect and it all is based on self worth which you do not seem to have. So how can you make him happy ? Letting him sleep with other women? Ok lets say you counter argue you can emotionally give him what he needs. Thats bullox. If you yourself are not emotionally capable of being in a relationship how on earth are you going to give this man a real healthy relationship ?

[KungFuJoe]

Why is SO hard to walk away from these train wrecks of a thread?

 

It's like watching bad reality tv where you only keep watching to see how much worse it can get.

[Content]

I really don't see why this is a bad strategy. Posters are always telling people to be realistic... I have no real chance with a super attractive guy, so why bother?

 

Isn't it better to go "Oh okay, no chance, moving on" then sit there and pine and whine about why, oh why doesn't the hot boy want me?

 

I really don't get all the contradictory statements on this forum sometimes. If a woman is talking about how she wants a rich guy or tall guy, people put her down for having way too high of standards and being unrealistic. I am being realistic about what I "pull" in terms of guys/relationships, and now I'm told that I'm self-sabotaging?? What?

 

So perhaps as a short man i should let my gf bang a tall guy if he comes by since people accroding to you have no control over thmesvles and just want the hottest person available

 

Theyres always gonna be hotter people yet somehow millions of relationships work

 

I suggest you stop ovranalyzing evrerything and just have fun with lfie and see where it takes you..

 

This guy might be the one..and if it turns out he isnt so what you are where you were before its not gonna kill you

[verhrzn]

So perhaps as a short man i should let my gf bang a tall guy if he comes by since people accroding to you have no control over thmesvles and just want the hottest person available

 

Theyres always gonna be hotter people yet somehow millions of relationships work

 

I suggest you stop ovranalyzing evrerything and just have fun with lfie and see where it takes you..

 

This guy might be the one..and if it turns out he isnt so what you are where you were before its not gonna kill you

 

If he cheats on me, I will be much worse off than I was before. And considering I am batting almost a perfect score for guys cheating on me, it is highly likely.

 

Um the semantics of a successful relationship where everything is reciprocal from emotional needs, to physical needs, to intimacy, sexual, etc are just a few of a myriad of key ingredients. You yourself admitted you have issues with the way you look, you constantly berate yourself, you think that you are stuck this way for life and that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. You want to give your boyfriend the option to basically sleep with other women putting your health at risk, as if you need anymore worries with your anxiety? Your whole thought process is a like a dominoe effect and it all is based on self worth which you do not seem to have. So how can you make him happy ? Letting him sleep with other women? Ok lets say you counter argue you can emotionally give him what he needs. Thats bullox. If you yourself are not emotionally capable of being in a relationship how on earth are you going to give this man a real healthy relationship ?

 

And why is it bullocks? How am I not emotionally capable of giving in a relationship? You are jumping from one tree branch to another... you assume I am not emotionally healthy because I describe myself (accurately.) I don't berate... that's how YOU interpret it. You are the one associating it with negative things! Stop putting that on me.

 

There are plenty of relationships that are not equally reciprocal. Maybe one partner has deteriorating health problems. Maybe another is wealthier. Maybe one of them has a low sexual libido. Maybe they LIKE the unequal power dynamic.

 

Maybe the crowd at LS is just too conservative to understand that an open relationship, even one that is one-sided, can be healthy and happy...