Is It Worth It To Push For Monogamy?

[AlexCross]

Why does my perception of me matter?? I am not dating me. I am not in a world of Me's. I am in a world of other people. Other people's perception of me is what makes them want to be my friend/date me/give me a job, whatever. Thus, THEIR perception is what matters in those realms.

 

Society and men think I am ugly, thus, I describe myself as ugly. If I described myself as green, because I see myself as green, you people would think I was delusional.

 

So make up your damn minds. Men HATE it when fat women call themselves "curvy" on dating sites, because goddamn it, don't they know they're fat? And now, because I am agreeing," Yep I am fat, not curvy," that means I have low self-esteem? F*cking hell, just really can't win with people can you??

 

Heres a clue. People can spot negativity form a mile away and it is not an endearing trait, it is a turn off. How you view yourself and carry yourself begets confidence. People like confidence. Constantly putting yourself down is negative. In my experiences, if I had any doubts about myself, thought i was ugly, or had any self esteem issues women would spot that form a mile away and that led me to the dreaded Davey Jones Locker, the friend zone, so yes how you perceive yourself is basic Psychology 101 and very important if you dont want to be lonely anymore.

[verhrzn]

Oh goodness, stop behaving like a petulant child V. No one here wants to see you single and alone. Alot of people here want you to be in the kind of relationship YOU really want to be in. But you are at war with yourself. Not this board. You are afraid to demand what you really want because you are afraid of being alone. That's not a great way to approach picking a mate.

 

Why not? We are constantly telling people on the board to have realistic standards, to stop holding out for impossible mates, etc.

 

Given my history and my experiences, obviously having a monogamous relationship is unrealistic for me. Now I am trying to work around in the best way I can... and instead of helping, people are instead just slapping me down!

 

It is very frustrating that I am trying to find a way that works for me, and people keep wanting me to squeeze into these boxes and label me. I explained, in great detail, what my brain is like.... And it seems like people are just telling me to completely change my entire personality!

 

Sorry if I'm being "petulant" but this is deeply annoying.

 

 

Heres a clue. People can spot negativity form a mile away and it is not an endearing trait, it is a turn off. How you view yourself and carry yourself begets confidence. People like confidence. Constantly putting yourself down is negative. In my experiences, if I had any doubts about myself, thought i was ugly, or had any self esteem issues women would spot that form a mile away and that led me to the dreaded Davey Jones Locker, the friend zone, so yes how you perceive yourself is basic Psychology 101 and very important if you dont want to be lonely anymore.

 

Except ThaWhalogian read my profile and couldn't spot any negativity in it. And I've been to parties where friends said I acted perfectly normal, and got no attention. So your whole "people can spot negativity" doesn't explain those situations.

 

More importantly, people treated me as ugly before I could even perceive what negativity WAS. Like I said, people have seen me as ugly since I was a child.

Edited September 13, 2012 by verhrzn

[AlexCross]

I am just going by your LoveShack posts. That is all that I have to go on. And I don't think I am slapping you down. I have offered my advice, perspective and encouragement if you read my posts.

[verhrzn]

I am just going by your LoveShack posts. That is all that I have to go on. And I don't think I am slapping you down. I have offered my advice, perspective and encouragement if you read my posts.

 

But the advice ignores my reality, the reality being... YEAH I am ugly! That is just how it is. It sometimes makes me sad, but I'm accepting it. Why is it so awful to just accept things about ourselves, even if those those are perceived as "negative"?

[AlexCross]

But the advice ignores my reality, the reality being... YEAH I am ugly! That is just how it is. It sometimes makes me sad, but I'm accepting it. Why is it so awful to just accept things about ourselves, even if those those are perceived as "negative"?

 

Your reality is created in your head. Ok yes you are overweight, you can lose weight. If you want to. If you dont want to, then thats your perogative. You can change your reality. True story. Im ugly too. Dont worry. If we accepted things we thought were true about ourselves that were not based on fact only opinion and low self esteem, the whole world be miserable.

[ThaWholigan]

But the advice ignores my reality, the reality being... YEAH I am ugly! That is just how it is. It sometimes makes me sad, but I'm accepting it. Why is it so awful to just accept things about ourselves, even if those those are perceived as "negative"?

Yeah well, even an "ugly" person should stick up for themselves at least.

 

Again, I'm once again scratching my head as to what response you thought you were going to get upon posting this thread. Although, I haven't read your post on the previous page, I'll get to that in a minute.

[verhrzn]

Yeah well, even an "ugly" person should stick up for themselves at least.

 

Again, I'm once again scratching my head as to what response you thought you were going to get upon posting this thread. Although, I haven't read your post on the previous page, I'll get to that in a minute.

 

I think I just sometimes forget I am weird and atypical in a lot of ways. So I post something that (in my brain and with my experiences) seems logical, but from a "typical" standpoint is very strange, and I forget to explain my thinking.

 

I don't see it as NOT sticking up for myself. Like I said in that previous post... I would rather deal with unpleasant realities than happy fictions.

[PJKino]

The thing i can relate to V with is when you never get positive reinforcement and its only negative espscially about your looks its hard not to be insecure sure you have to love yourself and dont let it bother you blah blah blah but lets be honest we all want positve reinforcements and someone to find us attractive and like us when no one does it can be draining

 

People in the past have said i look like a rat im ugly etc and it killed my self esteem add to the fact ive never been with a women so nobodies found me attractive in my 32 year on earth it kills the self esteem no matter what kind of fluff love yourself advice u want to give

 

WIth all that sad unlike V the minimal chance i get into a relationship i wouldnt look to sabotage like she looks to be doing

[verhrzn]

WIth all that sad unlike V the minimal chance i get into a rleationship i wouldnt look to sabotage like she looks to be doing

 

I am not getting this so could someone please explain... how is trying to fulfill all of his needs, and prevent possible future dishonesty, sabotaging the relationship??

[PJKino]

I am not getting this so could someone please explain... how is trying to fulfill all of his needs, and prevent possible future dishonesty, sabotaging the relationship??

 

Because it could be something better then that possibly but you dont want to ride it out and see if it becomes that in order to protect yourself

[verhrzn]

Because it could be something better then that possibly but you dont want to ride it out and see if it becomes that in order to protect yourself

 

Better than... what?

[PJKino]

Better than... what?

 

He could love you for you and not want an open relationship

[verhrzn]

He could love you for you and not want an open relationship

 

Loving me does not mean I will fulfill all his needs. I obviously don't in the sexual/physical department, since he has desires about someone else. Having an open relationship means he can love me AND get all of his needs met.

[mesmerized]

I think you're desperate and hate yourself for far more than your looks. Believe it or not, those can also turn men off, sometimes more than the sight of a fat ugly woman.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

You need therapy. Bad.

 

Not being mean. I've gone to therapy and I think I'm an awesome person!

 

But I have/had mommy issues...one session helped me so much I never went back.

[verhrzn]

I think you're desperate and hate yourself for far more than your looks. Believe it or not, those can also turn men off, sometimes more than the sight of a fat ugly woman.

 

Desperate, perhaps. But I only hate myself because others hate me. It's been that way my entire life... people have always reacted to me negatively and I never understand why. I've tried so, so hard to try to figure it out, because when I stand in a room alone by myself, or look in the mirror, I don't see what's so awful. But as soon as I step outside my front door, it's like the person that I am is wrong to the majority of folks.

 

So, no, I don't hate myself, at least not when I'm alone. When I am among people, then I do kind of hate myself, but more because THEY don't seem to like me. It makes me feel confused and anxious and foolish and alone.

 

I've zeroed in on my looks because that is what people have told me is wrong... men, anyway. They say my personality is fine, but my looks suck. Now, it's possible they're lying, but why in the world then lie about how I'm ugly if I'm not? It doesn't make any sense.

 

I don't hate myself. That's never been my issue. My issue is trying to figure out where I fit in a world of people who hate me.

[ThaWholigan]

All right, since lots of people are playing arm chair psychologists, let's really delve into my psyche and explain why I am more inclined towards allowing the guy I date to sleep around. Maybe a really thorough, long explanation will clear up some misunderstandings.

 

I have a very difficult time understanding social dynamics. I am a little Vulcan in that way; the complexity of human interactions escape me. I am CONSTANTLY worrying and agonizing over the idea that I am acting incorrectly; that I am annoying someone, or pissing someone off, or giving them the wrong impression, or making them feel bad, or snubbing them, or why didn't they invite me, or why DID they invite me... on and on. I'm even on anxiety medication, and it's still mentally exhausting.

 

This sounds very.........autistic. That not knowing, not being able to tell - I recognize that. It was a problem for a long time, and yes it is difficult to deal with mentally. The way I was able to deal with it in the end was simply to meditate, find creative outlets, I would even debate and have out-loud conversations with myself (I still do). This helps me come to conclusions a lot.

 

So I do get where you're coming from. If you are able to explore more avenues to deal with this, I urge you to. If you're able.

 

Due to this social anxiety, I place a high premium on blunt honesty. I have a friend who is very blunt and very obvious about her emotions and thoughts. From an outside perspective, some people might say she's not a very good friend. When I annoy her, she lets me know in very blunt, not-always-nice terms. She is nakedly obvious about wanting favors (she wants you to drive so she can save on gas, for example.)

 

I know a friendship like hers would not work for a lot of people. But it works for me because I never have to wonder what's going on in her head. I KNOW. I know that topics A, B, and C annoy her. I know topics D and E are safe. I know she talks about me behind my back. I know she kinda likes me, but also kinda doesn't.

 

I know exactly where I stand with her. Where I stand is not always pleasant (she thinks I'm whiny and annoying if I venture into topic A), but I don't feel any social anxiety around her because I know exactly how to act and exactly what to expect.

 

That doesn't sound like a healthy friendship for the simple reason that you let her get away with ill-treating you because she's "honest". However, I'm not aware of every dynamic and I understand that every friendship has multiple dynamics that make it what it is and how it works, and I'd imagine that the honest is comforting to you in a warped way because it's not based on deceit. TBH you both sound autistic .

 

So what does that look like in a romantic context? I think a good example is the guy I'm currently dating. He used to tell me that I was the "most beautiful woman in the world." Now, a lot of women would find that sweet and endearing. I did not. There is no way, NO WAY, I am the most beautiful woman in the world, even to him. While other women might feel treasured, I felt lied to. Because it WAS a lie... a romantic lie, but nonetheless a lie. And in my anxiety brain, it made me think," This is a lie. What else does he lie about? How can I ever trust his compliments if they're not totally genuine?"

 

Perhaps you are asking the wrong questions in this respect. Maybe you should ask yourself "Why would he tell me such a lie". If I had a GF I suspect was doubting herself and thought of herself as ugly, I would tell her something along those lines (although wouldn't be as corny as telling you "you're the most beautiful in the world", that's too corny). Maybe he was trying to uplift you, endear himself to you, put you at ease. I'm guessing this is not an easy task .

Far more preferable is for him to say," I find you attractive." That is believable, that is realistic. I think I am very atypical in this way.... I am pragmatic, instead of romantic.

 

That probably would have been more tactful without being corny, yes. But this is contradictory to some of your other posts on the matter. I've seen you post that you wanted to have a BF who thought you were hot stuff, and now this guy says that and you don't believe him. So what is it you really want from a BF? Are you sure.

 

How this leads me to the open relationship: I know I am not my boyfriend's preferred body type. From porn, from his exes, from the girls he looks at on the street.... He likes em waifish, with long hair and kind of a Bohemian style. I know you can still be attracted to other types, but the fact still is I'm not his ideal.

 

So what? I will probably not end up with my ideal, a lot of people don't. They find happy mediums instead that attract them nonetheless. I like tall, black/mixed women. But you know what? I've fallen for short, thick, curvy mixed/white/Mediterranean girls too. I've liked girls who were really pale and skinny, never been my type but I've liked them. I've liked size 18 girls for God's sake. The last thing you should be doing is thinking about how much he wants his "ideal" - if he even wants it THAT much.

 

I also know, given our history, that he has a tendency to be susceptible to flattery and flirting from beautiful women. He's never cheated, but the ego validation is something he really enjoys, maybe even craves. He walks around like a proud peacock when he gets it.

 

So, he likes the attention. So do I, I get flattered very easily almost to the point of smiling broadly like a Cheshire cat. I can't help it.

 

The important bit is he's NEVER CHEATED. He might take the praise, but he's no fool.

 

 

These things... the ego validation, the hot body.... are things I cannot give him. I cannot fulfill all of his needs. And it fills my brain with anxiety and what-ifs. What if the flirting leads to more? What if he starts missing his ideal? What if he is unhappy because some of his needs are not being met?

 

How do you know you don't give him what he needs? What if he's had enough of his "ideal"? What actually ARE his needs? How do you know he is the kind of man who will allow flirting to lead to more?

 

These are the questions that also need asking. Maybe your BF is more self-aware than you think he is.

 

An open relationship seemed a good way to both get all of his needs met AND settle my anxiety. The needs thing is obvious: he could get the good emotional connection of a relationship, but still get some ego validation, sexual variety and sleep with girls he finds ultimately attractive.

 

My only question, as it has been since the beginning of this thread is: Are you REALLY REALLY SURE that you would be happy with this arrangement? Because it's not good fooling yourself just to keep this man. And are you sure that HE would actually be happy with this arrangement? It may confuse him, he may end up still leaving your relationship as he may not know where the boundaries are.

 

You will have to be specific with yourself about the boundaries of this arrangement, and what you can allow or disallow that will make you happy. And make sure you are BOTH happy.

 

The anxiety is the tougher part for others to wrap their heads around. Much like my friendship, I have a much better time dealing with "unpleasant" realities than what-ifs. I would rather KNOW everyone hated me, than SUSPECT everyone hated me. So, I would rather KNOW my boyfriends wants to/is sleeping with someone else, than SUSPECT it.

 

I actually understand this. What I'm not understanding is exactly why everyone would "hate" you and what you have to do to actually stop that. But that's another thing. If you allowed your BF to sleep with someone else, and you knew he did it, would you actually be happy with this? Would you really be tolerant? This is what we want to know.

 

The what-ifs drive me crazy. The anxiety around the idea that I don't know what in my guy's head is so stressful. What if he sees someone attractive, what if he gets a crush on someone else, what if what if what if.

 

Having an open relationship means I KNOW what would happen. He could be completely upfront and honest about his desire to sleep with someone else, and if he does it. It would remove the "what ifs."

 

Now, he could just be honest about his desire to sleep with someone else without actually doing it. But that would still ping my anxiety, because WHAT IF HE DOES IT. What if he can't resist temptation, etc. Essentially, it's me trying to turn a possibility into a certainty, because I deal a lot better with certainties.

 

SO! Now knowing my psyche better, does my predicament make more sense?

 

You don't work well with probability. That is a big, big problem. I'm beginning to suspect some kind of ASD or PDD to be honest. Not many people are as black and white as that. Extreme.

 

I also suspect that you, on some unconscious level, force these certainties out of possibilities often, and then put it down to being because you're ugly, or annoying, or fat or whatever. I don't think that's normal behavior, and to be honest, it doesn't serve your purpose to continue that pattern. I agree that you should accept that it's part of your nature and not deny it otherwise it would manifest itself more aggressively, so in a way, I can understand your logic here. However, accepting it is not the same as allowing that pattern to continuously appear and control your life. You have the power to break that pattern - you just don't know it yet. I can't give you any suggestions as you will probably reject them. You will have to figure this one out on your own.

 

I say talk to your BF. Because obviously you don't know if he wants to cheat, his words will not do much to satiate your desire to know. So you will have to explain much of the things you have posted in this post, about how you work and how your mind works. I think you need some help to be honest to really learn how to use your thought pattern to your advantage, but that's another thread for another day. Talk to your BF, have an honest and frank discussion about this. About everything. Talk about the open relationship idea if you really think it's a good idea. Be calm, frank, honest and open. If your BF really cares about you, he will understand.

[Ruby Slippers]

Loving me does not mean I will fulfill all his needs. I obviously don't in the sexual/physical department, since he has desires about someone else. Having an open relationship means he can love me AND get all of his needs met.

1. Part of loving is feeling the satisfaction of fulfilling the other person's needs. When a man loves a woman, it makes him happy to fulfill her and make her happy. Being loyal to you is one clear way to show you his loyalty, respect, and love.

 

2. Desire does not equal need. You might desire a fancy house in the hills - but do you need it to be with him and be happy with him? No. Would it make any sense for him to leave you because you fantasize about fancy houses and he worries you will someday leave him for someone who can buy you a fancy house? (Or substitute your own fantasy here.)

 

3. You don't believe you can be a great woman for a man. You can - but you have to believe that. You don't have to be anywhere near perfect to make a man very happy. Men love women of all kinds.

[verhrzn]

1. Part of loving is feeling the satisfaction of fulfilling the other person's needs. When a man loves a woman, it makes him happy to fulfill her and make her happy. Being loyal to you is one clear way to show you his loyalty, respect, and love.

 

2. Desire does not equal need. You might desire a fancy house in the hills - but do you need it to be with him and be happy with him? No. Would it make any sense for him to leave you because you fantasize about fancy houses and he worries you will someday leave him for someone who can buy you a fancy house? (Or substitute your own fantasy here.)

 

3. You don't believe you can be a great woman for a man. You can - but you have to believe that. You don't have to be anywhere near perfect to make a man very happy. Men love women of all kinds.

 

1) Uh, expect that isn't a need of me. Honesty is. Honesty is like my top need, I think, due to the psychology I explained in my earlier post. And a need for him to be happy. The happier I can make him, the less likely he will dump me. So if it will make him happy to have sexual variety-great, let's do that!

 

2) I don't see much of the difference, honestly. Again, maybe my atypical brain. But I don't even fantasize unrealistically. So it is very difficult for me to wrap my head around the idea of someone desiring something but not wanting it. What?? Makes no sense to me. If I desire something, I want it, I try to get it. If I can't get it, I don't want it. (With the exception of the general desire for a relationship.) For example, you could stick the hottest guy in front of me, my perfect 10... but if I don't think I can get him, I won't have any desire for him. Guess I am weird?...

 

3) Nope, sorry, I don't. Not saying men don't love all types... but speaking for me, myself, I am not gonna be enough for a guy. With my flaws, my idiosyncrasies, all the things that make me such a condemned person on this forum and in the world... it's just not realistic.

 

So, let's stop hoping for the ideal, and work with the realistic. That's what I'm trying to do, at the end of the day.

[ScreamingTrees]

All right, since lots of people are playing arm chair psychologists, let's really delve into my psyche and explain why I am more inclined towards allowing the guy I date to sleep around. Maybe a really thorough, long explanation will clear up some misunderstandings.

 

I have a very difficult time understanding social dynamics. I am a little Vulcan in that way; the complexity of human interactions escape me. I am CONSTANTLY worrying and agonizing over the idea that I am acting incorrectly; that I am annoying someone, or pissing someone off, or giving them the wrong impression, or making them feel bad, or snubbing them, or why didn't they invite me, or why DID they invite me... on and on. I'm even on anxiety medication, and it's still mentally exhausting.

 

Due to this social anxiety, I place a high premium on blunt honesty. I have a friend who is very blunt and very obvious about her emotions and thoughts. From an outside perspective, some people might say she's not a very good friend. When I annoy her, she lets me know in very blunt, not-always-nice terms. She is nakedly obvious about wanting favors (she wants you to drive so she can save on gas, for example.)

 

I know a friendship like hers would not work for a lot of people. But it works for me because I never have to wonder what's going on in her head. I KNOW. I know that topics A, B, and C annoy her. I know topics D and E are safe. I know she talks about me behind my back. I know she kinda likes me, but also kinda doesn't.

 

I know exactly where I stand with her. Where I stand is not always pleasant (she thinks I'm whiny and annoying if I venture into topic A), but I don't feel any social anxiety around her because I know exactly how to act and exactly what to expect.

 

So what does that look like in a romantic context? I think a good example is the guy I'm currently dating. He used to tell me that I was the "most beautiful woman in the world." Now, a lot of women would find that sweet and endearing. I did not. There is no way, NO WAY, I am the most beautiful woman in the world, even to him. While other women might feel treasured, I felt lied to. Because it WAS a lie... a romantic lie, but nonetheless a lie. And in my anxiety brain, it made me think," This is a lie. What else does he lie about? How can I ever trust his compliments if they're not totally genuine?"

 

Far more preferable is for him to say," I find you attractive." That is believable, that is realistic. I think I am very atypical in this way.... I am pragmatic, instead of romantic.

 

How this leads me to the open relationship: I know I am not my boyfriend's preferred body type. From porn, from his exes, from the girls he looks at on the street.... He likes em waifish, with long hair and kind of a Bohemian style. I know you can still be attracted to other types, but the fact still is I'm not his ideal.

 

I also know, given our history, that he has a tendency to be susceptible to flattery and flirting from beautiful women. He's never cheated, but the ego validation is something he really enjoys, maybe even craves. He walks around like a proud peacock when he gets it.

 

These things... the ego validation, the hot body.... are things I cannot give him. I cannot fulfill all of his needs. And it fills my brain with anxiety and what-ifs. What if the flirting leads to more? What if he starts missing his ideal? What if he is unhappy because some of his needs are not being met?

 

An open relationship seemed a good way to both get all of his needs met AND settle my anxiety. The needs thing is obvious: he could get the good emotional connection of a relationship, but still get some ego validation, sexual variety and sleep with girls he finds ultimately attractive.

 

The anxiety is the tougher part for others to wrap their heads around. Much like my friendship, I have a much better time dealing with "unpleasant" realities than what-ifs. I would rather KNOW everyone hated me, than SUSPECT everyone hated me. So, I would rather KNOW my boyfriends wants to/is sleeping with someone else, than SUSPECT it.

 

The what-ifs drive me crazy. The anxiety around the idea that I don't know what in my guy's head is so stressful. What if he sees someone attractive, what if he gets a crush on someone else, what if what if what if.

 

Having an open relationship means I KNOW what would happen. He could be completely upfront and honest about his desire to sleep with someone else, and if he does it. It would remove the "what ifs."

 

Now, he could just be honest about his desire to sleep with someone else without actually doing it. But that would still ping my anxiety, because WHAT IF HE DOES IT. What if he can't resist temptation, etc. Essentially, it's me trying to turn a possibility into a certainty, because I deal a lot better with certainties.

 

SO! Now knowing my psyche better, does my predicament make more sense?

 

Why are you even here, making these threads, if you're not hoping that we all play the role of arm-chair psychiatrist and help you? On page 16 you claim people are slapping you down for trying what you perceive to be your only option.. But why settle for STDs and a sorry excuse for a sincere relationship? That's not even acceptable.. This guy'll just keep you around out of convenience if he's going to cheat around on you, but he SAID he wouldn't and hasn't been proven guilty yet, so..

 

You're obviously not going to hear the words you came here for, so for you to repeatedly make these threads, I'm starting to believe there's something wrong with you that needs to be resolved.. Nothing major, just something that forces you into this negative cycle of making threads on LS.

 

If you just tell him out of nowhere that it's OK if he sleeps around when he hasn't really done anything to betray your trust.. Don't you think that's going to be a major red flag for the guy if he IS a normal, faithful guy? He'll either think YOU are into that, are not particularly interested like he thought, or have some serious issues.

 

"But the advice ignores my reality, the reality being... YEAH I am ugly! That is just how it is. It sometimes makes me sad, but I'm accepting it. Why is it so awful to just accept things about ourselves, even if those those are perceived as "negative"?"

 

Well, if you truly accept that, why have you made this thread? To ask us if it'd be a good idea to ask your monogamous partner if he'd like to sleep around while in the relationship with no repercussions just because you assume he'll do it anyway? Sure, do whatever you want to hurt yourself, but don't say we didn't tell you so, don't say that dozens of posters didn't try to help you.

 

If you'd truly accepted that, you wouldn't make posts in other folks' threads slightly tinted with bitterness. You come off like that to me from time to time.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

Poor baby. There, there. It's ok. I feel sorry for you. I really do. It must be so tough being who you are.

 

Want a back rub?

 

Ok...now that you got what you wanted (people to feel sorry for you) you can go on with your happy life.

 

Oh...don't forget finding a good clinic so you get tested for stds every month while your bf is out banging random chicks.

[verhrzn]

Man, you guys seem REALLY upset about all of this, even though it has nothing to do with you.

[Ruby Slippers]

The happier I can make him, the less likely he will dump me. So if it will make him happy to have sexual variety-great, let's do that!

Just as important is you standing up for your own needs and happiness. Would you really feel secure and happy knowing your man was having sex with another woman?

 

For example, you could stick the hottest guy in front of me, my perfect 10... but if I don't think I can get him, I won't have any desire for him. Guess I am weird?...

Maybe so, but you have to realize that not everyone is like you. Most people dream of certain things they do not have. Some work hard to get them. Others do nothing to get them. Some work hard and get some of them, but not all of them. I don't have a roving eye when I'm happy with a man - but I can imagine having a harmless curiosity or crush about some sexy guy, and it being no threat to my relationship whatsoever.

 

3) Nope, sorry, I don't. Not saying men don't love all types... but speaking for me, myself, I am not gonna be enough for a guy. With my flaws, my idiosyncrasies, all the things that make me such a condemned person on this forum and in the world... it's just not realistic.

 

So, let's stop hoping for the ideal, and work with the realistic. That's what I'm trying to do, at the end of the day.

So, if you're not going to be enough for a guy, you see your options as be single or have an open/alternative relationship?

 

Are you happy being single?

Would you be happy with an open/alternative relationship?

 

Is there any life you can imagine for yourself in which you are happy and fulfilled?

[ScreamingTrees]

Man, you guys seem REALLY upset about all of this, even though it has nothing to do with you.

 

Because these people have tried OVER and OVER and OVER again to help you.. Hell, we're still trying to help you, but you just see it as an assault.. So why hasn't this thread just died yet so you could have your poly amorous relationship in peace? Clearly these people are jealous and/or hate you and want to see you alone for the rest of your life because you're so damn ugly.

[verhrzn]

Why are you even here, making these threads, if you're not hoping that we all play the role of arm-chair psychiatrist and help you? On page 16 you claim people are slapping you down for trying what you perceive to be your only option.. But why settle for STDs and a sorry excuse for a sincere relationship? That's not even acceptable.. This guy'll just keep you around out of convenience if he's going to cheat around on you, but he SAID he wouldn't and hasn't been proven guilty yet, so..

 

Well I wanted advice on how to go about doing it, and if other people have had experiences with it. I don't mind the armchair psychologists, but if they're going to armchair, they need to understand my psyche, which sometimes I don't always explain fully.

 

You keep saying "why settle." But I've explained why settle.... Because I like him, and because given my past experiences, it's clear a monogamous relationship is something that is not realistic for me.

 

If you just tell him out of nowhere that it's OK if he sleeps around when he hasn't really done anything to betray your trust.. Don't you think that's going to be a major red flag for the guy if he IS a normal, faithful guy? He'll either think YOU are into that, are not particularly interested like he thought, or have some serious issues.

 

Or... he might be like," Sweet, my gf is sexually open!" Dan Savage swears up and down any guy would LOVE to be given permission to sleep around. Now, the truth is probably somewhere between the two extremes, but I don't see why it's such a certainty he'd see it as a red flag.

 

Well, if you truly accept that, why have you made this thread? To ask us if it'd be a good idea to ask your monogamous partner if he'd like to sleep around while in the relationship with no repercussions just because you assume he'll do it anyway? Sure, do whatever you want to hurt yourself, but don't say we didn't tell you so, don't say that dozens of posters didn't try to help you.

 

Accepting it also means working around it. So, if the idea of an open relationship is out the window, then how do I deal with the fact that I don't fulfill his needs? How does a relationship work with that?