Is It Worth It To Push For Monogamy?

[verhrzn]

I'll just start out this post by making a quick note that this is not the case for every man or every marriage. I know there are plenty of marriages where couples are happily monogamous.

 

However.... as I am out in the world, I am finding more and more that guys in my generation just do not seem to want to be monogamous. If they do, they are already married. The single men who are left seem to want relationships, but they all seem to want open relationships... marriage to a steady girl, with the option for an occasional dalliance.

 

The more I read about relationships, the more it seems that trying to change man's nature (to sleep around) is just a waste of time. It seems that either guys cheat, or they dump the steady girl for a better model when they are sick of years of sex with just her.

 

I am wondering if maybe I should just accept the idea of whatever guy I date having an occasional on-the-side sex arrangement. Wouldn't accepting it make me happier than trying to change my partner, or being single because I have unrealistic expectations about monogamy?

 

The reason I am thinking about this is the guy I am currently dating admitted he found one of his coworkers attractive. My bf is good-looking, intelligent and funny, so I would not be surprised if the coworker had a mutual attraction to him. He says he is committed to our relationship, but I feel as if I'm controlling him... Like eventually he's going to break and want to have sex with the other girl because he's sick of just me.

 

So I have been thinking maybe I should broach the subject of an open relationship in which he could sleep with her without risking me. That way, he could get his sexual variety and be happy, and I could stay in a relationship with him without feeling controlling or like I'm trying to change him.

 

Thoughts?

[ThaWholigan]

I'll just start out this post by making a quick note that this is not the case for every man or every marriage. I know there are plenty of marriages where couples are happily monogamous.

 

However.... as I am out in the world, I am finding more and more that guys in my generation just do not seem to want to be monogamous. If they do, they are already married. The single men who are left seem to want relationships, but they all seem to want open relationships... marriage to a steady girl, with the option for an occasional dalliance.

 

The more I read about relationships, the more it seems that trying to change man's nature (to sleep around) is just a waste of time. It seems that either guys cheat, or they dump the steady girl for a better model when they are sick of years of sex with just her.

 

I am wondering if maybe I should just accept the idea of whatever guy I date having an occasional on-the-side sex arrangement. Wouldn't accepting it make me happier than trying to change my partner, or being single because I have unrealistic expectations about monogamy?

 

The reason I am thinking about this is the guy I am currently dating admitted he found one of his coworkers attractive. My bf is good-looking, intelligent and funny, so I would not be surprised if the coworker had a mutual attraction to him. He says he is committed to our relationship, but I feel as if I'm controlling him... Like eventually he's going to break and want to have sex with the other girl because he's sick of just me.

 

So I have been thinking maybe I should broach the subject of an open relationship in which he could sleep with her without risking me. That way, he could get his sexual variety and be happy, and I could stay in a relationship with him without feeling controlling or like I'm trying to change him.

 

Thoughts?

 

Speaking frankly, I personally don't think you would be happy in an open relationship, nor do I think it would be a good idea to tell him he can sleep with her. That's a bit kneejerk IMO, and a little odd.

 

I don't know what you're reading or who you're encountering who is espousing this theory that most men are rejecting the idea of monogamy in favor of sexual variety, but I suspect it's not as vast a majority as is made out, or even a majority full stop.

 

I won't lie though, it's not uncommon for guys to do this, and they prefer to lie knowing that their SOs won't be happy about it, but if a woman isn't happy about it, she should enforce it IMO. And that is what I think you should do. Can you honestly say you would be happy if you allowed your BF free reign to exercise a desire for "sexual variety" and then he goes through with it?

 

Another question - how exactly did your boyfriend "admit" being attracted to his co-worker? He explained that he's committed to you, but he admits to being attracted - I wonder how that came about?

[verhrzn]

Speaking frankly, I personally don't think you would be happy in an open relationship, nor do I think it would be a good idea to tell him he can sleep with her. That's a bit kneejerk IMO, and a little odd.

 

I don't know what you're reading or who you're encountering who is espousing this theory that most men are rejecting the idea of monogamy in favor of sexual variety, but I suspect it's not as vast a majority as is made out, or even a majority full stop.

 

I won't lie though, it's not uncommon for guys to do this, and they prefer to lie knowing that their SOs won't be happy about it, but if a woman isn't happy about it, she should enforce it IMO. And that is what I think you should do. Can you honestly say you would be happy if you allowed your BF free reign to exercise a desire for "sexual variety" and then he goes through with it?

 

Another question - how exactly did your boyfriend "admit" being attracted to his co-worker? He explained that he's committed to you, but he admits to being attracted - I wonder how that came about?

 

He kept mentioning her in off-handed ways, like "Oh my coworker is so annoying! And she wears these really short skirts!" until I finally went "Uh-huh, you kinda want to bang her don't you?" He said," I have an urge to, but I never would because I'm committed to you."

 

Which lead to this thought process. I would much rather be in an open relationship than be cheated on, or dumped, or even have the guy "channel" his desire for the other girl onto me. I have a bad emotional reaction to the idea that a guy is having sex with me but thinking of someone else... it makes me feel used. If you want her, go have HER, don't use me as a stand-in.

 

Well, for one thing I've been reading these boards. The large consensus seems to be guys want a relationship, but yeah, getting some on the side would be awesome too. It seems monogamy is something that men are kind of forced into in exchange for a relationship. Like, to have a relationship I MUST forgo other women. I don't want to force my partner to give up anything. I don't want to control or deny him things that would make him happy.

[Janesays]

Most of the men on this board can't even get ONE woman, let alone multiples. Don't take their sexual frustration as fact.

 

Don't have this conversation with your boyfriend, please. You be devaluing yourself. And why should he value your relationship if you don't?

[ThaWholigan]

He kept mentioning her in off-handed ways, like "Oh my coworker is so annoying! And she wears these really short skirts!" until I finally went "Uh-huh, you kinda want to bang her don't you?" He said," I have an urge to, but I never would because I'm committed to you."

 

I see. Well, he was honest, but he did reaffirm his commitment to you. I understand where he's coming from, there are girls who annoy me, but I would still have a sexual urge towards them for whatever reason. The difference is that it's within my power to reject that urge and direct it elsewhere, like towards whoever my SO is at the time . Is your boyfriend the kind of man who is able to redirect that energy rather than let it control him?

 

Which lead to this thought process. I would much rather be in an open relationship than be cheated on, or dumped, or even have the guy "channel" his desire for the other girl onto me. I have a bad emotional reaction to the idea that a guy is having sex with me but thinking of someone else... it makes me feel used. If you want her, go have HER, don't use me as a stand-in.

 

I'm not sure if you truly believe that is how you feel, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt. If that's really the case, how would you even bring that up to him? That would be a weird conversation. I couldn't imagine how I would react if my GF came to me and said "Wholigan, I know you're attracted to other people, so I think we should have an open relationship". I'd be like ":confused:".

 

Well, for one thing I've been reading these boards. The large consensus seems to be guys want a relationship, but yeah, getting some on the side would be awesome too. It seems monogamy is something that men are kind of forced into in exchange for a relationship. Like, to have a relationship I MUST forgo other women. I don't want to force my partner to give up anything. I don't want to control or deny him things that would make him happy.

 

The large consensus? From who? Probably disingenuous on their part. I think if men are to reject monogamy, they would reject the idea of a relationship full stop and stay single. Who is to say you would be forcing your partner to give up other women? By contrast, he wants to be with you, and you wanting his commitment shouldn't be an effort to "control" him.

[january2011]

I don't get out of bed for less than monogamy.

 

I feel that there's honesty and there's downright brutal tactlessness. Your boyfriend seems to fall into the second camp.

 

You already have concerns about being good enough. Getting into an open relationship is going do even more of a number on your perception of your self-worth.

[verhrzn]

Most of the men on this board can't even get ONE woman, let alone multiples. Don't take their sexual frustration as fact.

 

Don't have this conversation with your boyfriend, please. You be devaluing yourself. And why should he value your relationship if you don't?

 

Well, this board, or places like "Savage Love." He is constantly getting letters from men who say they love their wives, but are at the point of divorce because she just doesn't "excite" him anymore... she doesn't want sex as often, she's gotten fat, she's not as attractive in older age, etc. Weighing the options, an open relationship seems like a much better option than a divorce or cheating.

 

I also don't see why it's devaluing myself to be honest.

 

I'm not sure if you truly believe that is how you feel, but I'll give the benefit of the doubt. If that's really the case, how would you even bring that up to him? That would be a weird conversation. I couldn't imagine how I would react if my GF came to me and said "Wholigan, I know you're attracted to other people, so I think we should have an open relationship". I'd be like ":confused:".

 

Well I know that's how I'd feel, cause that's what my exes did in the past (had sex with me but really wanted other women and so just used me.)

 

Why would that be such a weird conversation? Wouldn't most guys be like "Heck yes!" To sweeten the deal, I'd also clarify that I have no desire to have sex with other guys (I don't, it's like a light switch when I'm dating someone) so he didn't feel threatened.

 

Probably disingenuous on their part. I think if men are to reject monogamy, they would reject the idea of a relationship full stop and stay single. Who is to say you would be forcing your partner to give up other women? By contrast, he wants to be with you, and you wanting his commitment shouldn't be an effort to "control" him.

 

I don't think so, because if men stayed single, they'd lose all the benefits of a relationship... family, splitting bills, tax breaks, having someone to hang out with on Saturday nights, emotional support, all of those other lovely things outside of sex. An open relationship is a way to get the best of both worlds... all the emotional support of a relationship with the sexual variety of being single.

[Woggle]

There are plenty of men that want monogamy. Just look at all the men on the divorce forum that were cheated on when they never cheated. Men might be slower to commit but that is just because we tend to have a more practical view of relationships and tend to make sure everything is okay before we take that next step. It doesn't mean we want commitment any less.

[verhrzn]

There are plenty of men that want monogamy. Just look at all the men on the divorce forum that were cheated on when they never cheated. Men might be slower to commit but that is just because we tend to have a more practical view of relationships and tend to make sure everything is okay before we take that next step. It doesn't mean we want commitment any less.

 

Men getting cheated on does not mean they never had a desire for sex outside the relationship. Maybe they were just too morally shamed to cheat, or figured they'd lose the relationship if they did. It does not mean they didn't WANT to.

 

My argument is, most men would happily take both a relationship and an opportunity for outside sex, especially if their partner remained monogamous.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

Your bf sounds like a piece of ****. Not all guys are like that. I most definitely am not and most of my friends aren't either.

 

I wouldn't let one or two bastard apples spoil the whole tree.

[verhrzn]

Op,

 

Your bf sounds like a piece of ****. Not all guys are like that. I most definitely am not and most of my friends aren't either.

 

I wouldn't let one or two bastard apples spoil the whole tree.

 

Well considering every single guy I've dated has held a very similar attitude... The only time I see a guy choose monogamy is when he has a top-of-the-line, never-going-to-do-better soul mate girl, the kind he would never ever risk pissing off. All the other seem to say they want monogamy, and then flirt with their female friends or watch porn or even sneak around.

 

What's so wrong with just admitting, above board, that the great majority of men require sexuality variety? There are lots and lots and lots of evidence of this historically.

[ThaWholigan]

Well, this board, or places like "Savage Love." He is constantly getting letters from men who say they love their wives, but are at the point of divorce because she just doesn't "excite" him anymore... she doesn't want sex as often, she's gotten fat, she's not as attractive in older age, etc. Weighing the options, an open relationship seems like a much better option than a divorce or cheating.

 

I also don't see why it's devaluing myself to be honest.

 

It's devaluing yourself if you know in your heart it's not what you want or what you're happy with.

 

 

 

Why would that be such a weird conversation? Wouldn't most guys be like "Heck yes!" To sweeten the deal, I'd also clarify that I have no desire to have sex with other guys (I don't, it's like a light switch when I'm dating someone) so he didn't feel threatened.

 

It would be weird because I would expect my wife/GF to want me enough to care if I have sex with somebody else, and that she wants me all to herself. It would probably be sweet for some other guys sure, maybe I might even consider it if I really loved my partner and she really is happy with such an arrangement.

 

I don't think so, because if men stayed single, they'd lose all the benefits of a relationship... family, splitting bills, tax breaks, having someone to hang out with on Saturday nights, emotional support, all of those other lovely things outside of sex. An open relationship is a way to get the best of both worlds... all the emotional support of a relationship with the sexual variety of being single.

 

I get that, but isn't that kind of greed punishable by karma?

[SmileFace]

Why would you want to settle for an open relationship if that is not something you desire?

 

You can probably offer him occasionally threesomes with prostitutes .

[verhrzn]

It's devaluing yourself if you know in your heart it's not what you want or what you're happy with.

 

Happier than being cheated on. Or dumped because he can't stand the thought of having sex with ONLY me for the next 60 years. Or being unhappy in the relationship because the sex is kind of boring and routine....

 

I keep getting dumped for hotter girls. I'm trying to figure out a way around that. If a guy could have me AND a hotter girl, it would lead to less dumping. That seems like a good enough reason for me.

[KungFuJoe]

Well considering every single guy I've dated has held a very similar attitude... The only time I see a guy choose monogamy is when he has a top-of-the-line, never-going-to-do-better soul mate girl, the kind he would never ever risk pissing off. All the other seem to say they want monogamy, and then flirt with their female friends or watch porn or even sneak around.

 

What's so wrong with just admitting, above board, that the great majority of men require sexuality variety? There are lots and lots and lots of evidence of this historically.

 

See...you're not here for opinions. You're here so people can agree with your misguided opinion. So you can justify the fact that your bf treats you like crap and you can accept it and stay with him, telling yourself, "it's just the way the world works".

 

That's called copping out and it makes YOU look weak.

 

Your bf is abusing you mentally but you are the one ENABLING him to do it.

 

This is YOUR life. You get ONE chance. You can either fight for something meaningful to you, or you can lay down and accept what's been handed to you.

 

monogamy is not this fairy tale that is unrealistic. It's very realistic. I have it completely and undoubtedly. Anyone can have it. It's just a matter of believing in yourself enough to get it.

[Bristolius]

OP, you keep trying to fit the wide variations found in male sexuality into every individual man.

 

Human nature encompasses all the traits found across the whole human population. But each single person only has some of those traits.

 

Male sexuality is the same.

 

A new idea for you?

[verhrzn]

See...you're not here for opinions. You're here so people can agree with your misguided opinion. So you can justify the fact that your bf treats you like crap and you can accept it and stay with him, telling yourself, "it's just the way the world works".

 

That's called copping out and it makes YOU look weak.

 

Your bf is abusing you mentally but you are the one ENABLING him to do it.

 

This is YOUR life. You get ONE chance. You can either fight for something meaningful to you, or you can lay down and accept what's been handed to you.

 

monogamy is not this fairy tale that is unrealistic. It's very realistic. I have it completely and undoubtedly. Anyone can have it. It's just a matter of believing in yourself enough to get it.

 

It's realistic for YOU. Doesn't mean it is for everyone.

 

What are my other options? Get cheated on? Stay single forever in the hopes that my fortune will suddenly change?

 

I was kind of hoping other people would have experience with open relationships, not immediately jump to judgement. I mean, do you think all couples who have open relationships are in abusive situations??

[ThaWholigan]

Happier than being cheated on. Or dumped because he can't stand the thought of having sex with ONLY me for the next 60 years. Or being unhappy in the relationship because the sex is kind of boring and routine....

 

I keep getting dumped for hotter girls. I'm trying to figure out a way around that. If a guy could have me AND a hotter girl, it would lead to less dumping. That seems like a good enough reason for me.

So you want to be a concubine?

 

OK, I mean, I don't know how I would bring that up to somebody, but if you would allow a poly-amorous element into your relationship/s and not be unhappy about it, then if you think you can go for it then do it. But if I were you, I would be careful.

[verhrzn]

So you want to be a concubine?

 

OK, I mean, I don't know how I would bring that up to somebody, but if you would allow a poly-amorous element into your relationship/s and not be unhappy about it, then if you think you can go for it then do it. But if I were you, I would be careful.

 

Careful about what?

[denise_xo]

OP, you seem to keep wanting to make decisions based on future, worst case scenarios that you are imagining and which haven't yet happened. A short while ago you were talking about dumping your bf because he might dump you in the future. Now you are talking about opening up the relationship because he might cheat on you in the future.

 

By all means, if an open relationship is what you really desire, then go ahead. But it sounds like you would just initiate this because of some future potential scenario that currently only exists in your head.

 

I think in any relationship, it is probable that one (or both) partner(s) will, at one point or another, feel attracted to someone else. There's a range of options for addressing that, out of which having an open relationship is just one.

[KungFuJoe]

It's realistic for YOU. Doesn't mean it is for everyone.

 

What are my other options? Get cheated on? Stay single forever in the hopes that my fortune will suddenly change?

 

I was kind of hoping other people would have experience with open relationships, not immediately jump to judgement. I mean, do you think all couples who have open relationships are in abusive situations??

 

Not if both parties are willing.

 

And saying, "what choice do I have?" does not equate to being willing.

 

You have a defeatist attitude. And very very low self esteem. Your personality type is VERY attractive to abusive people, men and women. The reason why YOU have not found monogamy in your relationships is because you are attracting the kind of men who prey on people like you...and these man are those with low esteem themselves. People with low self esteem are more likely to cheat.

 

Start changing how you view yourself and you will be surprised at the type of men you start to attract. REAL men LOVE confident women.

[ThaWholigan]

Careful about what?

Careful about entering into such an arrangement and then finding that it doesn't make you happy at all.

 

But I suppose it's a risk you have to take if you really want to see if it's right for you.

[EasyHeart]

Every man knows/sees women he wants to have sex with. I could easily name 20 women off the top of my head that I'd like to have sex with right now, but I don't because I have a girlfriend and, being a rational adult, I know how much it would hurt her for me to have sex with someone else.

 

The whole point of being in a relationship is that you don't screw other people.

[Mme. Chaucer]

OP, you keep trying to fit the wide variations found in male sexuality into every individual man.

 

Human nature encompasses all the traits found across the whole human population. But each single person only has some of those traits.

 

Male sexuality is the same.

 

A new idea for you?

 

This is true, v, and weren't we both just involved in a conversation where we expressed our ire about the lame generalizations about women that abound?

 

If your guy said he had an "urge" to bang the co-worker but wasn't going to because he is committed to you - that conversation needed to end right there. End in your head, also. You asked, he answered.

 

All you need to do is to be true to yourself, and don't settle for less than that in your dealings with other people.

[verhrzn]

Every man knows/sees women he wants to have sex with. I could easily name 20 women off the top of my head that I'd like to have sex with right now, but I don't because I have a girlfriend and, being a rational adult, I know how much it would hurt her for me to have sex with someone else.

 

The whole point of being in a relationship is that you don't screw other people.

 

And what if you could? What if you could have sex with those other people without hurting your girlfriend? Wouldn't you? WHY wouldn't you?

 

If your guy said he had an "urge" to bang the co-worker but wasn't going to because he is committed to you - that conversation needed to end right there. End in your head, also. You asked, he answered.

 

Committed to me until.... when? Until temptation sets in? Until he gets bored with the sex? Until we get into a fight and he runs into her at a bar?

 

It is just so, so, SO much easier for him to just have sex with who he wants and be honest about it, then waltz through all these thorny situations. If he has sex with someone else in an open relationship, he can be honest. If he slips up-just once-and has sex with someone else in a closed relationship, he must now lie, and I am betrayed, and it's a whole big mess.

Edited September 12, 2012 by verhrzn