geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Pms, sorry... Ah, I guess in his world everyone else is the problem.
LostGirl11 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Ah, I guess in his world everyone else is the problem. Obviously. Even made me feel guilty for having a period. Classic.
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Obviously. Even made me feel guilty for having a period. Classic. Hahaha! Keep reminding yourself of this craziness, Lost. You'll soon come to realize you didn't lose much, or anything at all! 1
Author bubbles10 Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 well he replied to my email saying he thinks we need time away from eachother (we have seen eachother twice all summer) to figure out what we both want and he doesn't think either of us are ready to try to work at our relationship right now. he said time apart will tell us if we are meant to be, and that maybe we weren't. he said he thinks i am an amazing person and i will always have a special place in his heart (that line made it sound so final and still brings me to tears). i am so confused by his email, is it a way of letting me down easy? not that he's ever been so concerned about hurting me. or does he really think there's a chance after time apart? how much time? so many questions and SO much pain and hurt, it has all launched me into a deep depression. i never responded to him after that email so i am now on day 5 of no contact and it is not getting any easier. it takes all my might just to get out of bed in the morning. i feel like i am just existing and every bone in my body just wants to text him and try to make him see all of the great memories we had and make him want to try. i feel so lost and hopeless
geegirl Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Judging from his behavior, I would say that he's keeping you on the backburner while he goes out and has his way with other women. He gave you just enough to keep you hanging on. And he accomplished it because here you are asking if he will be back along with a million unanswered questions. There you are again, now hopeful and clinging onto every word. In any case, he could just be letting you down gently. Other than that, I see nothing of substance that should keep you hoping for reconciliation. You have to step out of your emotional bubble and see him for who he is. He never wanted to commit to you from the beginning. He was seeing other women when he was with you. The moment you brought up commitment, he didn't want to deal with you. As others have said, he was using you. Go back and read your first post, not from an emotional standpoint but from a rational and logical view. If another poster wrote that, how would it read to you? You can text him and make him see what YOU see, but unfortunately he can't see it. If he did, you wouldn't be going through another round of rejection. You can't project your feelings. You can't make or force someone to want you. Let go.
Author bubbles10 Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 i know, which is why i didn't respond nor have i messaged him,,,i am just so sad i don't know what to do with myself. i just keep thinking of him out with another girl and it physically makes me sick. i am trying to let go, i'm on the 5th day of no contact but you're right, the open-endness of his email left me hoping one day he'll come back so even though i am trying to let go of him that lil hope stays in the back of my mind. i have been keeping busy, trying to go out and surround myself with friends but the depression is really starting to take over and the pain just seems endless. the pain of how easy it is for him to let go and how easy it is for him to live his life without me.
geegirl Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Everything you are feeling is normal. I had to go through those same devastating feelings. It took me months to get to a point of having some emotional stability. Five days NC is nothing and the only thing you can do is take one minute at a time, one day at a time.
Author bubbles10 Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 have you fallen in love again since geegirl?
geegirl Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 have you fallen in love again since geegirl? Yes, I have Bubbles. A wonderful man that treats me with respect and showers me with love. A relationship should be easy and this one is. When someone wants you, they show you. I too had those feelings that I would never meet another guy again and never have those same intense feelings I had with my ex. I couldn't imagine being with someone else. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw him with a new woman taking her to a concert. Even after catching him having sex with another, I couldn't stomach the pain of knowing he was moving on when I saw him. Guys would pay interest and I would get turned off. I was depressed for awhile. I remember going to therapy and wailing with gut-wrenching cries. My therapist was the best though. As much as I knew I could not go back to him, my heart still longed for a text, an email something. But when he did it, it was only to solicit sex because I knew he didn't care for me. That hurt me even more. So, like you, I went through the grieving process as painful as it was and came out to the other side. It's a difficult journey Bubbles but you have to do it but know that it won't always stay this way. I know the pain and the discomfort. I truly do.
Author bubbles10 Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 i am glad you found your happy ending
veggirl Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 Oh Bubbles he is being a coward. He doesn't want to man up and tell you straight up that it's over and the door is closed, so he is taking the easy way out "we need time / space"...it is so typical, unfortunately. Try not to read into what he said with hope, because you will set yourself up to fall.
geegirl Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 i am glad you found your happy ending And you will too, hun. It won't always be this way.
Author bubbles10 Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 it's hard not to have that hope in the back of my mind after 3 years together but i am trying my best to push it aside, but it's so hard bc in my email i asked him to let me know if his feelings changed and it was easier for him to be clear rather than vague and yet he was still vague. but right now i just feel like a prisoner of my own mind, my mind is flooded 24/7 with memories of all the good times and although there were bad times i can't seem to remember any. but i am trying my best to hold to no contact b/c if he's told me he doesn't want to try there's really nothing left for me to say to him.
Author bubbles10 Posted September 17, 2012 Author Posted September 17, 2012 and i think what compounds the break up and makes everything worse is i'm 33 and i feel like he was my last chance at getting married and having kids...and that def intensifies the sadness and depression
Xestenz Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 and i think what compounds the break up and makes everything worse is i'm 33 and i feel like he was my last chance at getting married and having kids...and that def intensifies the sadness and depression 33! That is so young. You have an entire life full of possibilities ahead of you!
geegirl Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 it's hard not to have that hope in the back of my mind after 3 years together but i am trying my best to push it aside, but it's so hard bc in my email i asked him to let me know if his feelings changed and it was easier for him to be clear rather than vague and yet he was still vague. but right now i just feel like a prisoner of my own mind, my mind is flooded 24/7 with memories of all the good times and although there were bad times i can't seem to remember any. but i am trying my best to hold to no contact b/c if he's told me he doesn't want to try there's really nothing left for me to say to him. See, you're thinking from your own mind as to what the kind and loving thing would be to do in letting someone know where you stand. He does not think that way. Yes, the kind thing to do when you care for someone is be honest and tell them it's over and release them. But he can't do the kind thing because he will do what is in his best interest and that is to manipulate the situation to what he believes is right in his mind, for him. He took you for a ride even when you both were together, in that he knew he couldn't give you what you wanted but he allowed you back in. He does not care to put you first. He is his own priority. You can remember the bad times, you just don't want to because you're idealizing and romanticizing him. Pull him down from that pedestal. You said there were bad times, pick one. Write it down. Find another one, write it down. There all there. You just have to step out of the emotional bubble and start thinking, even for just a minute. 33?!?! I was married at 28, wanted kids and divorced at 34. I'm 41, no kids, and finally met a man of substance. Stop that Bubbles! You know you're being silly now!
Author bubbles10 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Posted September 18, 2012 how do you get out of this emotional bubble though? all that runs through my mind is i wasn't pretty enough to keep him...he's a very good looking guy and always had tons of girls after him so i know he's prob living the life right now and it kills me inside. bc i literally can not think of anyone treating him better or putting up w his faults more than i did. last nite i went out with some friends for drinks and MNF and all i could think was how i miss his drunk laugh and his smile and then i get sad and just want to go home everyone tells me to focus on me and let go but it's nearly impossible when thoughts and memories flood my mind 24/7. every time i have a text there's a small glimmer of hope that it will be from him. it's just so hard to go on.
geegirl Posted September 18, 2012 Posted September 18, 2012 (edited) how do you get out of this emotional bubble though? You have to self-talk. You can't sit there and pine and mope and play victim. You can't sit there and DWELL. Dwelling is bad. When you start with, "Oh woe is me, he was so good looking...etc." Self talk and snap yourself out of it. Counter that with what you know about him. "Well, he was good looking but he was selfish and treated me badly by using me and (think of specific times that were bad)...." If you sit there and dwell, those thoughts are like weeds. They will overcome you and keep you in a bad place. Your mind has been running a certain route, and it's all about reprogramming now. One bad thought, snap yourself out of it and counter with a logical thought. If you dwell on romanticizing, guess what, all you'll do is stay stuck in your fantasy bubble. If you snap yourself out from dwelling, you grab on to your reality of who he is and you start to retrain your brain to think rather than to feel. When you feel like moping, get up. Go for a walk. Go to the gym. Read a self-help book. Go for a drive and blast happy music. Go and volunteer and find perspective in your life because you'll soon discover how much you have to be graterful for. all that runs through my mind is i wasn't pretty enough to keep him...he's a very good looking guy and always had tons of girls after him so i know he's prob living the life right now and it kills me inside. You can be a supermodel and if a man is emotionally immature, he will never appreciate any woman or have the capability to offer her a healthy relationship. It's not about your looks. It's about compatibility and emotional maturity. Stop putting yourself down. bc i literally can not think of anyone treating him better or putting up w his faults more than i did. He sounds crappy if you put it like that. Maybe you gave too much. Maybe you felt that by doing the above you'll make him want you and love you. There has to be a balance. You give but you should also receive. Maybe another won't be as "nice" because they have a sense of boundaries and what they will and will not accept? It makes you the rule and not the exception when you state that no other would put up with his faults. Must have been bad. last nite i went out with some friends for drinks and MNF and all i could think was how i miss his drunk laugh and his smile and then i get sad and just want to go home everyone tells me to focus on me and let go but it's nearly impossible when thoughts and memories flood my mind 24/7. Again, you have to snap yourself out of it and stop DWELLING. It's hard not to but when you find yourself going there, pull yourself back and go down a positive route. every time i have a text there's a small glimmer of hope that it will be from him. it's just so hard to go on. Block him. Edited September 18, 2012 by geegirl
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