bubbles10 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 my ex and i dated for 3 years and broke up back in may when i found some very flirty text messages, we went no contact the beginning of the summer but then since the middle of july went back to texting all day every day as we always did, we finally hung out 2 weeks ago, had a great time, he took me home with him and we spent the nite together. it seemed as if everything was going well and we were slowly trying at our relationship. 2 days after that he became distant and i proceeded to ask him all week if there was a possibility for us to move fwd and if he wanted to try and he would just ignore my questions, not answer and tell me i repeat myself. well the following week a friend of mine saw him out with another girl. we got in a big fight as i felt betrayed that obvs he didn't want to move forward with us but refused to tell me that when i asked leaving me hoping he did want to try (he has always been horrible with communication and talking about his feelings)...i asked him if he was over us and i should let go and he said he's not over it but letting go may be a good idea bc of the fighting and drama (meanwhile there was none all summer till i heard about the other girl)....i sent him a long email explaining my reactions and all my feelings about wanting to try and his response was "just looked, this is 2 long"...so i texted him i got his email and i guess that meant he doesn't want to try and i should just completely let go and he has not responded and probably won't. i am so devastated, i feel like my life without him has lost all joy and i think about him 24/7 and i can't seem to let go since he won't tell me there's nothing left...even though his actions say otherwise. i am lost and broken i wish i could stop and go no contact and move on but i just can't seem to do that
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 i can't seem to let go since he won't tell me there's nothing left...even though his actions say otherwise. i am lost and broken i wish i could stop and go no contact and move on but i just can't seem to do that He is telling you there is nothing left, by his ACTIONS. Words mean nothing. It's cheap and most of all, free. He never wanted to try. You created the illusion in your head that somehow texting and seeing each other meant "trying" and "working" at the relationship. All it meant to him was that he had someone to "hang out" with. It wasn't that he was a bad communicator because it doesn't take much to tell someone you want them back and you want to work at it. Stop making excuses. You send him an email expressing yourself and he says it's too long. He didn't even read it. He does not care. Open your eyes.
LostGirl11 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 (edited) my ex and i dated for 3 years and broke up back in may when i found some very flirty text messages, we went no contact the beginning of the summer but then since the middle of july went back to texting all day every day as we always did, we finally hung out 2 weeks ago, had a great time, he took me home with him and we spent the nite together. it seemed as if everything was going well and we were slowly trying at our relationship. 2 days after that he became distant and i proceeded to ask him all week if there was a possibility for us to move fwd and if he wanted to try and he would just ignore my questions, not answer and tell me i repeat myself. well the following week a friend of mine saw him out with another girl. we got in a big fight as i felt betrayed that obvs he didn't want to move forward with us but refused to tell me that when i asked leaving me hoping he did want to try (he has always been horrible with communication and talking about his feelings)...i asked him if he was over us and i should let go and he said he's not over it but letting go may be a good idea bc of the fighting and drama (meanwhile there was none all summer till i heard about the other girl)....i sent him a long email explaining my reactions and all my feelings about wanting to try and his response was "just looked, this is 2 long"...so i texted him i got his email and i guess that meant he doesn't want to try and i should just completely let go and he has not responded and probably won't. i am so devastated, i feel like my life without him has lost all joy and i think about him 24/7 and i can't seem to let go since he won't tell me there's nothing left...even though his actions say otherwise. i am lost and broken i wish i could stop and go no contact and move on but i just can't seem to do that Sounds like a user to me. 'just looked, 2 long'. Wow, how mature. He doesn't care. He won't tell you where you stand because he can't be bothered to. You should take on that attitude too. Edited September 12, 2012 by LostGirl11
Drseussgrrl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 The only way you're going to turn the tables here is to let him go. Tell him you aren't interested in trying to patch things up if he's hanging out with other women, and isn't committed to trying to work things out. You don't need him to pull the plug here - just do it. And yeah it's gonna suck a big one thinking about him with other girls. But the more you remain in contact with him the less he's going to feel the need to make a decision about you one way or the other. What message are you sending him by hanging around while he's ambiguous about you? That you don't value yourself more than that. Well honey you don't play second fiddle to other women, do you? Another thing. Men don't respond well to long emotional emails. They're not like us women who have to talk everything out ad nauseum, not to mention he just doesn't want to hear it right now. They respond to silence and no contact. This is much more effective than anything you could say at the moment. Remove yourself from his life and allow him to feel the loss of you. Of course this is going to be the hardest thing to do, but it's certainly the most effective. Trust me. 3
KathyM Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I agree with the previous posters. He's just using you at this point. He decided, after three years of dating him, that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, so he took an interest in other women, you called him on it, and left him. You did the right thing by dumping him. Don't let loneliness or jealousy make you try to win him back. He's not worth having back if he has so little regard for your feelings, and doesn't value you enough to stay away from other women.
Author bubbles10 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 thank you for the responses. my problem is i know everything everyone is saying is true but i have gotten to the point where i am so depressed and desperate for him and i dont know what to do to make myself feel better. before we went out he was the one talking about moving forward so that got my hopes up, and i just don't understand why he can act that way but just can't simply tell me no there is no moving forward for us, like does he not respect me at all? we built a life together in those 3 years, we intertwined family and friends and now it's just all gone and it's like it meant nothing to him and my life has no meaning it feels like without him
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 thank you for the responses. my problem is i know everything everyone is saying is true but i have gotten to the point where i am so depressed and desperate for him and i dont know what to do to make myself feel better. before we went out he was the one talking about moving forward so that got my hopes up, and i just don't understand why he can act that way but just can't simply tell me no there is no moving forward for us, like does he not respect me at all? we built a life together in those 3 years, we intertwined family and friends and now it's just all gone and it's like it meant nothing to him and my life has no meaning it feels like without him He won't tell you because he wants you to be there as a fallback. If he severs ties with you, he can't get whatever benefit he gets from you. It's great cake when a guy can have his way with you without having to commit to you. You allowed him to have his way with you once, he's going to want to take advantage of it again. So he keeps you on the backburner. He won't let you go yet doesn't want you. Truly not enough to make you want to keep yourself in his back pocket. You need to let yourself go because there really is nothing for you to hold on to. Look, a break-up is depressing and it is devastating. There is no way around that but to feel the pain and work through the discomfort of it. We've all been there. Going back to nothing doesn't make the pain go away, it just prolongs it. You may get some consolation here and there but it won't make it better. He'll keep hurting you over and over again. The kind, loving and respectful thing to do would be to let you go. I don't believe he sees you or the situation that way. The priority is to work the situation and you the best way he knows will benefit him. Life had meaning before you met him. It has meaning now, it's just that your emotions are overwhelming and it's defeating you.
Author bubbles10 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 thank you very much for the insight...it's nice to get some from other people who have been in similar situations. i am going to try going no contact starting today. still no response to my text but yet i still check my phone relentlessly hoping. it's hard to understand after all i've done for him over the years (he himself said to me once i was the best gf he ever had, and all his friends and family loved me and hated all his exes) that he wouldn't care enough to be like hey i'm sorry i just don't feel the same anymore or see us moving fwd...i can't see treating another person in that way, esp one you used to 'love'. i am 33 and he is 38 so i def went into the relationship with a lot of expectations, so those coupled with the broken heart just make this all unbearable. i just never see this getting easier and i have zero desire to go out and date or be with anyone else.
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 thank you very much for the insight...it's nice to get some from other people who have been in similar situations. i am going to try going no contact starting today. still no response to my text but yet i still check my phone relentlessly hoping. it's hard to understand after all i've done for him over the years (he himself said to me once i was the best gf he ever had, and all his friends and family loved me and hated all his exes) that he wouldn't care enough to be like hey i'm sorry i just don't feel the same anymore or see us moving fwd...i can't see treating another person in that way, esp one you used to 'love'. i am 33 and he is 38 so i def went into the relationship with a lot of expectations, so those coupled with the broken heart just make this all unbearable. i just never see this getting easier and i have zero desire to go out and date or be with anyone else. We've all heard the words about how special and great we are only to be cast aside. It's life. Don't project how you would treat someone on him. People act the way they want to and you and i have no control over that. We only have control over our actions in that we will not allow someone to treat us badly. I did a lot for my ex and claimed that I was the "one" only for me to catch him cheating right before my very eyes, and yet still tried to get me on his backburner. Trust me, I know what it feels like to be betrayed and disappointed.
Drseussgrrl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I understand the pain you're in but you've got to sack up and not allow this dude to have this much power over you. The only way that's going to happen is if you cut him off. NC really is the easiest and fastest way to heal. I dated someone for a few months and even after all the wonderful times we shared he was still ambiguous about our status. So, I told him I couldn't do it anymore and went cold NC on his ass. Well guess who keeps "liking" every single picture or post I put on FB? It's actually getting funny to me. Take your power back. Yeah it sucks girl we've all been there. But it CAN and WILL get easier the more you put the focus back on yourself and NOT on what he can or can't decide about you. Please, you don't have time for some dude who can't make up his mind about your being in his life. You've got your own awesome life to live, with or without his ambiguous ass, don't you? 1
Author bubbles10 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 geegirl that is awful i am so sorry to hear that. how did you make it through and how long did it take? the pain just seems endless, it's like i'm a prisoner of my own mind right now. i really appreciate everyone that's taken the time to post on my experience though, it's nice knowing there are good people in the world willing to help others
Author bubbles10 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 i'm finding it extremely hard to get over the thought of not being good enough which further excaberates the sadness and depression
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 geegirl that is awful i am so sorry to hear that. how did you make it through and how long did it take? the pain just seems endless, it's like i'm a prisoner of my own mind right now. i really appreciate everyone that's taken the time to post on my experience though, it's nice knowing there are good people in the world willing to help others Cathing him in the middle of sex with another woman was by far the most painful thing I could ever experience. I didn't eat for nearly two weeks. Just slept and slept and all I could stomach was water. I became sickly. I didn't shower for days. I had one girlfriend check on me everyday and she would bring food and try to get me going but I was dead inside. I felt I wanted to end my life. The mornings were the most difficult. Time to face another day. I just couldn't. Towards the end of week 2, I woke up one morning, in dirty clothes, dirty hair, and for the first time felt I wanted to eat some rice. I got out of bed and brushed my teeth and I looked at my matted hair and decided to wash it. Little steps. You will feel tremendous pain Bubbles. But it takes baby steps. It's not easy. Even after that, I struggled for months. I seeked therapy, went to the gym, read self-help books, forced myself to socialize and involve myself with hobbies and activities that I let fall to the wayside because my life revolved around him. A year later, I was looking great and I saw him with his new gf. I didn't feel a thing. I achieved my emotional freedom. We've all been there. You're only 30. I was in my late 30s when it happened. So much life ahead of you. Fill it with people that will love and cherish you. Don't contaminate it with those that only serve to bring you down. 4
Author bubbles10 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 thank you for sharing your story...right now that is my worst fear...him being with someone else and changing to be everything i ever wanted him to be in a bf to me
Author bubbles10 Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 like you i have also started going 1x a week to therapy for the last couple of months but i don't feel like it's helping
LostGirl11 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Cathing him in the middle of sex with another woman was by far the most painful thing I could ever experience. I didn't eat for nearly two weeks. Just slept and slept and all I could stomach was water. I became sickly. I didn't shower for days. I had one girlfriend check on me everyday and she would bring food and try to get me going but I was dead inside. I felt I wanted to end my life. The mornings were the most difficult. Time to face another day. I just couldn't. Towards the end of week 2, I woke up one morning, in dirty clothes, dirty hair, and for the first time felt I wanted to eat some rice. I got out of bed and brushed my teeth and I looked at my matted hair and decided to wash it. Little steps. You will feel tremendous pain Bubbles. But it takes baby steps. It's not easy. Even after that, I struggled for months. I seeked therapy, went to the gym, read self-help books, forced myself to socialize and involve myself with hobbies and activities that I let fall to the wayside because my life revolved around him. A year later, I was looking great and I saw him with his new gf. I didn't feel a thing. I achieved my emotional freedom. We've all been there. You're only 30. I was in my late 30s when it happened. So much life ahead of you. Fill it with people that will love and cherish you. Don't contaminate it with those that only serve to bring you down. Gosh geegirl, you really went through hell didn't you! Would be good to hear your story, just to give hope to others really. You're a tough cookie lady. Everyone keeps telling me that but I don't feel it, nope.
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 thank you for sharing your story...right now that is my worst fear...him being with someone else and changing to be everything i ever wanted him to be in a bf to me After a break-up, especially with dumpers, it is a given that the normal process in moving on is to date others. He may find someone that he has more compatibility with, or he may not. It's a demon dumpees will have to experience. Part and parcel of moving on. You just have to accept that it will happen and when it does, as much as it hurts, know that once you are out of this you too will move on to someone that is compatible to you and will reciprocate all that you want for him to be in a boyfriend.
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 like you i have also started going 1x a week to therapy for the last couple of months but i don't feel like it's helping It's going to take time, Bubbles. Therapy once a week is not enough, and neither is it going to cause a significant dent as your break-up is still fresh. You have to start filling that void as well. There is no magic pill or fix. And you can't really recover if you keep going back to your source of pain.
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Gosh geegirl, you really went through hell didn't you! Would be good to hear your story, just to give hope to others really. You're a tough cookie lady. Everyone keeps telling me that but I don't feel it, nope. If everyone else is noticing how strong you are, believe it. You don't because you can't really see your SELF after all that has happened. But the fact that you are on here, seeking advice, trying to find ways to remove yourself from a painful and life-changing situation, is testament that you have "strong" in you. Believe it. Everyday you choose to stay away speaks of your determination and will power to do better for yourself. Weak would be remaining in a sad situation, crippled by fear. You're doing the complete opposite! 1
LostGirl11 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 If everyone else is noticing how strong you are, believe it. You don't because you can't really see your SELF after all that has happened. But the fact that you are on here, seeking advice, trying to find ways to remove yourself from a painful and life-changing situation, is testament that you have "strong" in you. Believe it. Everyday you choose to stay away speaks of your determination and will power to do better for yourself. Weak would be remaining in a sad situation, crippled by fear. You're doing the complete opposite! Thanks geegirl. Yeah I guess, but then I give myself a hard time and think 'I bet he isnt on a forum seeking advice' It shouldn't matter what he's doing I know.
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Thanks geegirl. Yeah I guess, but then I give myself a hard time and think 'I bet he isnt on a forum seeking advice' It shouldn't matter what he's doing I know. You're giving yourself a hard time because you are seeking advice and support? Why turn it into a negative? What is your reasoning in putting yourself down? He isn't seeking advice because he's comfortable in his mess. My ex knew he has issues and when I suggested therapy, he said he was too good for it, but guess what...he's still a man child repeating the same patterns. I went and I gained from it. There is nothing wrong with coming to a forum or using any form of support to help yourself out of a bad situation. What's bad is when you choose to ignore the issues that are going on within yourself because you believe the weak thing to do is to seek help. 1
LostGirl11 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You're giving yourself a hard time because you are seeking advice and support? Why turn it into a negative? What is your reasoning in putting yourself down? He isn't seeking advice because he's comfortable in his mess. My ex knew he has issues and when I suggested therapy, he said he was too good for it, but guess what...he's still a man child repeating the same patterns. I went and I gained from it. There is nothing wrong with coming to a forum or using any form of support to help yourself out of a bad situation. What's bad is when you choose to ignore the issues that are going on within yourself because you believe the weak thing to do is to seek help. It's not a negative at all. Theres nothing wrong with seeking advice, I don't feel ashamed or anything like that... I can't explain it, erm... I kind of feel like, if he knew I was on here he'd feel...argh, I don't even know!
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 It's not a negative at all. Theres nothing wrong with seeking advice, I don't feel ashamed or anything like that... I can't explain it, erm... I kind of feel like, if he knew I was on here he'd feel...argh, I don't even know! You care about what some man-child feels about you seeking help. This man that threw a tantrum like a 4 year old. This man that spoke to you so unkindly and disrespectfully. This man that broke up with you for no reason. Thsi man that has no control over his emotions and outbursts. His opinion should have no bearing and should carry no weight when it comes to how you believe is the best way for YOU to find support and move forward.
LostGirl11 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You care about what some man-child feels about you seeking help. This man that threw a tantrum like a 4 year old. This man that spoke to you so unkindly and disrespectfully. This man that broke up with you for no reason. Thsi man that has no control over his emotions and outbursts. His opinion should have no bearing and should carry no weight when it comes to how you believe is the best way for YOU to find support and move forward. Meh, I'm being silly. It just angers me a little that I'm on here because of him I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'd be lost without all this outside help! The only time he used a forum was to ask 'how to handle a woman with pmt' Says a lot really
geegirl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Meh, I'm being silly. It just angers me a little that I'm on here because of him I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'd be lost without all this outside help! The only time he used a forum was to ask 'how to handle a woman with pmt' Says a lot really What is PMT?
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