the ill-made knight Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I am beginning to wonder if the problem in all of my relationships is indeed myself. I am young, attractive, successful, outgoing, kind, etc. etc. I have no problem getting dates or even entering into relationships, but so far (obviously) all of my relationships have failed and I have been the one to end them all. A huge problem I think is that I lose interest usually very quickly and over minuscule things. If a guy doesn't call me back soon enough, if I sense he is lying to me over something irrelevant, or if I simply don't like something he said or a particular mannerism of his I'm very likely to lose interest and severe any ties we may have. I have very high standards for myself and I confess I probably hold the men I date to the same standards. I don't think it's bad to have standards, but after two serious failed relationships (both 3+ years) and the amount of dating situations that have gone no where and with me ending them all I do wonder if perhaps I am too "picky" and too critical..
Balzac Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Two relationships of three year duration is positive proof that you're able to sustain interest. While uncertain of your age, it takes kissing many frogs to achieve two long term relationships.
KungFuJoe Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I am beginning to wonder if the problem in all of my relationships is indeed myself. I am young, attractive, successful, outgoing, kind, etc. etc. I have no problem getting dates or even entering into relationships, but so far (obviously) all of my relationships have failed and I have been the one to end them all. A huge problem I think is that I lose interest usually very quickly and over minuscule things. If a guy doesn't call me back soon enough, if I sense he is lying to me over something irrelevant, or if I simply don't like something he said or a particular mannerism of his I'm very likely to lose interest and severe any ties we may have. I have very high standards for myself and I confess I probably hold the men I date to the same standards. I don't think it's bad to have standards, but after two serious failed relationships (both 3+ years) and the amount of dating situations that have gone no where and with me ending them all I do wonder if perhaps I am too "picky" and too critical.. Two 3+year long term relationships means you're NOT too picky. Either that or you're slow on figuring people out if it took you that long to find out they weren't right for you.
jobaba Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I am young, attractive, successful, outgoing, kind, etc. etc. All people think this. Quantify. Pics, degrees, salary, # of Facebook friends, volunteer events and charities donated to. Then we'll talk.
Emilia Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 degrees, salary, # of Facebook friends Didn't think people were supposed to be labelled by how much they earn or how many fake friends they have on facebook. 1
KungFuJoe Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 All people think this. Quantify. Pics, degrees, salary, # of Facebook friends, volunteer events and charities donated to. Then we'll talk. Looks are subjective and she doesn't need YOU validating whether or not she's attractive. Degrees don't mean jack. Salary is not indicative of how successful your are. Quality of life is. Facebook is for attention whores. Volunteer events and charities? Great if you have a lot of time, which is rare these days.
jobaba Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Looks are subjective and she doesn't need YOU validating whether or not she's attractive. Degrees don't mean jack. Salary is not indicative of how successful your are. Quality of life is. Facebook is for attention whores. Volunteer events and charities? Great if you have a lot of time, which is rare these days. I don't want to see her pics. I'm just commenting on attitude. By your logic, everybody is attractive, successful, and kind. So, she would have nobody to think she is better than, and this thread does not exist.
KungFuJoe Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I don't want to see her pics. I'm just commenting on attitude. By your logic, everybody is attractive, successful, and kind. So, she would have nobody to think she is better than, and this thread does not exist. I agree that there is a hint of "attention whore" from the op. But I was replying to your post "in general".
jobaba Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I agree that there is a hint of "attention whore" from the op. But I was replying to your post "in general". Oh, well, if you've been around here, you know I don't care about things like degrees and salary. It does seem that every woman who has Bachelors degree, and can attract a steady stream of dates thinks of herself as smart, successful, attractive, and kind though. I was more commenting on that attitude. You have to quantify these things somehow.
Emilia Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 When the OP posted the thread I was going to put '*gets out popcorn, pulls up chair*' but I scolded myself for my cynical attitude. It turns out I should have just got out the popcorn. 1
grkBoy Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I have very high standards for myself and I confess I probably hold the men I date to the same standards. I don't think it's bad to have standards, but after two serious failed relationships (both 3+ years) and the amount of dating situations that have gone no where and with me ending them all I do wonder if perhaps I am too "picky" and too critical.. I always say that standards are only good if you can attain them. Meaning if you want to make your imaginary "Astronaut Mike Dexter" (30 Rock reference), worship that vision, then kick loads of men to the curb because they aren't him...then you should not complain when the male gender has not presented you with "Astronaut Mike Dexter". Most of this sounds like you're simply believing that a RL must be 100% perfection with sparks/fireworks all the time...or else you walk. That or perhaps you're truly afraid to take things beyond the 3+ years out of fear that "Astronaut Mike Dexter" might just come along. In the end, this has nothing to do with the guys. It's with you. You could meet "Astronaut Mike Dexter", and yet still dump him later because you will believe that it's not right when you see the imperfections come out. It's ok to be a bit picky...but not if you "price yourself out of the market". However, I still think this mainly is something in you that makes you unwilling to go further than those 3 years. Perhaps marriage and "for life" scares you?
Imajerk17 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I don't know, I'm not sure if posters hit the mark with the responses so far. It really depends on what you mean by "too picky". Many women are "too picky" in that they weed out their prospects by going by intense chemistry first and foremost, and then realize that the guy they picked doesn't have the ambition, responsibility, and character they are looking for. Many of the guys whom these women passed up (the nice guys) would have been better partners for them. These women aren't too picky per se, they are instead too picky when it comes to things like chemistry, and actually *not picky enough* when it comes to things like character and ambition and what not. 1
jobaba Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 When the OP posted the thread I was going to put '*gets out popcorn, pulls up chair*' but I scolded myself for my cynical attitude. It turns out I should have just got out the popcorn. Why post on a Forum about having it all and being too picky? It makes you sound arrogant.
Imajerk17 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 So for people to really comment, OP really needs to (a) say what attracted her to her last boyfriends, and (b) what made her break up with them. I would also be curious as to what makes her decide whether or not to go on a first, second, or third date with a guy she just met. 1
ThaWholigan Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I don't know, I'm not sure if posters hit the mark with the responses so far. It really depends on what you mean by "too picky". Many women are "too picky" in that they weed out their prospects by going by intense chemistry first and foremost, and then realize that the guy they picked doesn't have the ambition, responsibility, and character they are looking for. Many of the guys whom these women passed up (the nice guys) would have been better partners for them. These women aren't too picky per se, they are instead too picky when it comes to things like chemistry, and actually *not picky enough* when it comes to things like character and ambition and what not. This is probably along the lines of what I would have posted. OP, when you say you're picky, what exactly are you picky about? 1
Author the ill-made knight Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 Most of this sounds like you're simply believing that a RL must be 100% perfection with sparks/fireworks all the time...or else you walk. I do think it's a bit of this. I don't have any vision of an ideal man in my mind, but often when men do things that I don't care for..I'm very liable to end it. I think I'm always a bit afraid of putting up with more than I should or settling so I'm quick to walk away.
Author the ill-made knight Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 So for people to really comment, OP really needs to (a) say what attracted her to her last boyfriends, and (b) what made her break up with them. I would also be curious as to what makes her decide whether or not to go on a first, second, or third date with a guy she just met. My last boyfriend was a really nice guy. In the beginning, that's what attracted me to him. He was very respectful, funny, hardworking, dependable, and we shared a lot of the same morals and goals. He was someone that I thought I could build a life with. However, I was never really that physically attracted to him. I didn't find him unattractive, but I really didn't find him all that attractive either. I think we both realized at some point that we weren't "it" for each other. He was very introverted whereas I am not, we didn't really share any common activities, and sometimes communication with him was exasperating. In the end, I left him because I simply didn't think he was "it". My other serious relationship was with a man I was very much in love with, but shared no common interests or goals with. We had very little in common except each other and we were night and day personality wise, but got along very well. I left him because I seriously doubted his ability to remain faithful. Though I never had any proof he cheated, he was much too flirtatious with women for my taste, and I felt like I couldn't trust him. We talked a lot about his behavior and he always swore he was innocent of any wrongdoing, but I just couldn't stand for it. Both of these relationships did end shortly after we seriously began discussing marriage as well. Though I don't think I am afraid of commitment I am beginning to wonder if I self-sabotage my relationships. As for dating, recently, I started dating a soldier who for our purposes I will call Joe. I decided to go on a first date with him because I felt we had good chemistry. He made me laugh within seconds of meeting me, seemed very outgoing, and also like the type of man who knew what he wanted. The first date went well. He was polite, told me about himself, and listened to me talk about myself. There were no awkward pauses in conversation and we both had a good time imo. Second date went well as well. There was a silence at dinner, but it was a comfortable one and we spent lots of time talking and laughing besides that. Third date comes and goes well as well. The problem comes in with the fourth date. I see him and don't feel at all thrilled or excited to see him. I feel disinterested at best, bored at worst. He was a complete gentleman the entire time and brought me roses. He was sweet and considerate, but I just felt..ambivalent the whole time. I feel like I could take or leave him whereas before I felt like I really, really liked him. There really is no reason except it's how I felt when I saw him. It's worrying to me and I find myself getting annoyed at him over little things or finding fault with him over nothing.
Author the ill-made knight Posted September 12, 2012 Author Posted September 12, 2012 This is probably along the lines of what I would have posted. OP, when you say you're picky, what exactly are you picky about? Everything. Some things I think are reasonable. I try to find someone with whom I share common interests, goals, and have a good level of attraction with. Other things, probably not so much. One guy in particular I wrote off recently even though we had a lot in common and got on fairly well because I felt he was expecting too much of me when I wasn't his girlfriend and that he wanted to see me too often.
grkBoy Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I do think it's a bit of this. I don't have any vision of an ideal man in my mind, but often when men do things that I don't care for..I'm very liable to end it. I think I'm always a bit afraid of putting up with more than I should or settling so I'm quick to walk away. Well, you remind me of women I've seen in OLD who constantly have their finger on the "delete account" button. They want to find a man, but they think OLD is so "for losers" that they're looking for any possible reason to delete said account and keep trying in the bars. NOW...your scenario has nothing to do with OLD, but you have your finger on the "launch" button all the time. I always preach "LAUNCH!" when a man or woman does something really bad. It sounds though like you launch on the tiniest thing, believing they will become worse people as time passes. So maybe he leaves the toilet seat up...and then you worry he'll become a selfish inconsiderate slob. This is just an analogy though.
VodkaShots Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I don't know, I'm not sure if posters hit the mark with the responses so far. It really depends on what you mean by "too picky". Many women are "too picky" in that they weed out their prospects by going by intense chemistry first and foremost, and then realize that the guy they picked doesn't have the ambition, responsibility, and character they are looking for. Many of the guys whom these women passed up (the nice guys) would have been better partners for them. These women aren't too picky per se, they are instead too picky when it comes to things like chemistry, and actually *not picky enough* when it comes to things like character and ambition and what not. What makes you so sure? From what I've seen most "nice guy" types are unattractive or average looking guys (usually, not all that sociable) who primarily go for the pretty extrovert girls and think that simply by being "nice" and "friendly" it means the girl will eventually owe him a relationship or sex. I.E. it's a manipulative act. Genuinely nice and compatible guys don't get ignored, not by most women anyway, imo.
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