KansasChica Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 First, let me just say that I'm not trying to complain that my ex is avoiding me- it's helping me not see him. But I'm just confused why he is back to avoiding me. Backstory: He broke up with me 9 months ago after a 10-month relationship. We had been friends before that. He couldn't really give me a definite reason- told me I had been selfish and that he didn't feel the spark anymore. I was his first serious girlfriend and I believe he had been peer pressured by his best friend to break up with me. I didn't beg or plead, but was definitely heartbroken. We went NC for about 5 months with me reaching out a couple times and he responding bitterly, blaming me for everything. We have a lot of mutual friends and my ex just avoided everyone. After about 6 months broken up, my ex began popping back up again at parties. He would give me awkward hugs, get drunk a lot and bring up memories of when we were together, gaze at me, etc- just making me confused. We ended up hooking up after a friend's birthday party. I wondered if he would avoid me after that, but he didn't. I finally asked him to meet for coffee to see where we stood and he told me that he wanted to date other girls. I was hurt, but didn't show it and accepted it. We caught up and chatted about our lives for a good two hours and then I left. That was the last time we spoke. I don't expect us to be best friends or anything, but I thought we had ended on a good note. We are both older- I'm 30 and he is in his late 20's. Just the other day, I saw him pull into a local drugstore as I was going in. I know he saw me, but I pretended not to see him. He just left. I saw him across a bar last weekend and he moved into another room. A mutual friend invited him to a party and he declined to him because I was going. Since our last meeting was amicable, I just can't understand why he would still be avoiding me. We were friends first and I have never been clingy or needy after the breakup. Thanks for any insight!
lil hoodlum Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 (edited) First, let me just say that I'm not trying to complain that my ex is avoiding me- it's helping me not see him. But I'm just confused why he is back to avoiding me. Backstory: He broke up with me 9 months ago after a 10-month relationship. We had been friends before that. He couldn't really give me a definite reason- told me I had been selfish and that he didn't feel the spark anymore. I was his first serious girlfriend and I believe he had been peer pressured by his best friend to break up with me. I didn't beg or plead, but was definitely heartbroken. We went NC for about 5 months with me reaching out a couple times and he responding bitterly, blaming me for everything. We have a lot of mutual friends and my ex just avoided everyone. After about 6 months broken up, my ex began popping back up again at parties. He would give me awkward hugs, get drunk a lot and bring up memories of when we were together, gaze at me, etc- just making me confused. We ended up hooking up after a friend's birthday party. I wondered if he would avoid me after that, but he didn't. I finally asked him to meet for coffee to see where we stood and he told me that he wanted to date other girls. I was hurt, but didn't show it and accepted it. We caught up and chatted about our lives for a good two hours and then I left. That was the last time we spoke. I don't expect us to be best friends or anything, but I thought we had ended on a good note. We are both older- I'm 30 and he is in his late 20's. Just the other day, I saw him pull into a local drugstore as I was going in. I know he saw me, but I pretended not to see him. He just left. I saw him across a bar last weekend and he moved into another room. A mutual friend invited him to a party and he declined to him because I was going. Since our last meeting was amicable, I just can't understand why he would still be avoiding me. We were friends first and I have never been clingy or needy after the breakup. Thanks for any insight! He sound really immature and seems to be holding a grudge about something or he really resents you for something. I think you should get a "new boyfriend". See what a little jealousy could do for him. Seriously though the best way to get a reaction out of him is to just start moving on with your life. If he has any sort of feelings for you, he likely would start coming after you when you are walking away from all of his petty games. Its obvious you really feel something for this guy but sadly I don't think he feels the same way about you. At least not now while he is playing games. Edited September 12, 2012 by lil hoodlum forgot word
Author KansasChica Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 Thanks lil, I'm starting to believe that you are right. He always told me he loved me and I know that I was the first person he told that to. But actions speak louder than words. He now has pretty much admitted to me that he basically is pretending like we never existed. That hurts so much and makes me wonder if I just wasted a year of my life on him.
Crila16 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I'm going to give you the hard truth. NO ONE can pressure anyone into breaking up with someone if that person is truly in love with them, least of all a best friend. If anyone had any influence, then it would be the parents...not a friend. When the heart is involved, there is no logic. You love who you love, and no one can stop that. If this man loved you, he would have told his friend to go to H E double hockey sticks, before getting rid of you. I'm sorry to say, that this man may have cared for you and miss certain parts about the relationship, he's just not in love with you. He told you the spark was gone. I know his advances while drunk and the reminiscing of the stories gave you the hope you were looking for...it was just that. Drunk recollection of some nice times with you...coupled with his selfishness. If this man is not showing you that he loves you, and tells you he wants to date other girls and has no spark...I'm sorry...but that's what he's feeling and he can't change that anymore than you can. I know it hurts, but there's nothing you can do, but mourn and move on. You will find that great guy one day. Just try to avoid this guy as much as you can. Seeing him doesn't help you.
CptSaveAho Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I really don't understand this post, especially from someone in their 30s. From your own words, you aren't respecting his space. The relationship is over. When you gamble on a friend and enter a relationship with them, if the relationship ends, 9 times out of 10 the friendship goes with it. The action of "avoiding" means he doesnt want to be around you. Deal with it. It's not immature, in contrast, its very mature. 1
Author KansasChica Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 I am respecting his space. I make an effort not to be anywhere that he's going to be, but in this small town, we bump into each other. I've accepted that we aren't going to be friends, but I think it's still weird that he would be avoiding me- especially when our last meeting ended amicably. With that being said, I've made no attempts to contact him, ask about him, etc. Just because I'm in my 30s doesn't make it any easier to accept that a person that you thought was "the one" turned out not to be.
stillafool Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 the other day, I saw him pull into a local drugstore as I was going in. I know he saw me, but I pretended not to see him. He just left. If you want to be friendly with your Ex why did you pretend not to see him? Then you complain that he is avoiding you. You are very confusing and that may be why he avoids you. He is an Ex and most exes don't see each other.
Author KansasChica Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 If you want to be friendly with your Ex why did you pretend not to see him? Then you complain that he is avoiding you. You are very confusing and that may be why he avoids you. He is an Ex and most exes don't see each other. Well, what was I going to do? Stand in the parking lot and wait for him?
stillafool Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 No but you could have waved hello. Afterall, you're the one that wants to keep it going and be friends.
Author KansasChica Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 I never said I wanted to be friends. I'm not that naive, but I just don't understand why he has to avoid large places of business and sports teams because of me. Especially when things were left pretty cordial. But Crila is correct. I think it's for the best and maybe he is just doing me a favor in the long run.
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