Why is my ex ignoring me and her new boyfriend mocking me?

[seemenow]

Hi

I am going to make this as short as possible.

Dated ex on and off for 5 years.

I am 28 and she is 26.

We broke up numerous times on and off.

 

The last time we broke up was about a year ago now. Since then she has gotten a new boyfriend, me and the boyfriend are facebook friends too, and i thought we were pretty cool.

 

Me and the ex care about each other very much still (or so i thought) and remained friends the entire time. We had breaks in communications but never more than a couple of weeks. I still love her, but I am okay with her having a boyfriend-I honestly don't feel we should be together right now.

 

The thing is...

 

I had a nervous breakdown about 3 months ago. My father passed away, I lost my house, and I got reallly really messed up. I was so depressed I was suicidal. (I am much better now). I turned to her for support, being that she is my best friend, and she was there for me-sometimes. But she pretty much told me in not so many words that I was too messed up for her, and whatever we had was gone forever and she could only be my friend. (very unforgiving and harsh of her i know. especially since I was there for her the entire time she was depressed years ago) anyway since then our closeness has been damaged. She has treated me different, almost like she is better than me. She doesn't call me much anymore, doesn't text and doesn't really show any real interest in my life. The last few weeks we have hardly talked at all, which sucks for me because she is really my only support system right now (she is the only one that knows I was suicidal).

 

Today, I asked her why we really don't talk anymore and she didn't have an answer. I told her she was important to me and that I missed her in my life. I was afraid that me being so depressed and suicidal was too much for her, so I asked her if what i have been through the last several months has "ruined" our relationship and she said "no"

 

Tonight, I text and asked if she wanted to meet for bbq and she said she was busy. We texted for a bit and everything seemed alright. I didn't whine, I didn't ask more than once.

 

And then I went on facebook and the first thing that popped on my newsfeed was a status update from her boyfriend. The status was basically a snide remark about ex's still texting to see if they can meet up to eat bbq. And I saw that my ex had liked it, and added a snide comment on her own.

 

I KNOW this was directed at me. It would be too weird of coincidence not to be. I just don't know why? Why would they be mocking me like this? and on a social network site at that? If she loves me, cares for me, understands what I have went through/going through, believes in our friendship, and I am fine with her boyfriend-what is the deal?

 

Is she just trying to feed her ego by making me look pathetic? Should I have not told her how I was feeling today-that I missed her in my life? is that an invitation to s****t on me?

 

 

If anyone can offer me any insight on this-please do. I don't know how to feel here. I am so angry. Confused. Hurt. Thank you.

Edited September 12, 2012 by seemenow

[Calico]

I would just go "no contact" here. This tears you up and it doesn't seem like there is much of a chance of getting back with her. You're just hurting yourself if you keep trying. It's very hard, but it's often the only realistic chance. You can't be someone's friend if you still want them.

[seemenow]

Thank you for your advice, and I intend to take it. Like I said, I am not trying to get back with her. I love her, yes, but I don't think we should be together.

 

I am still left with the question: why? why is she/they doing this?

[Calico]

Only she knows. Be grateful for it, as it makes it pretty clear that she doesn't care for how you feel. I wish I had answers to those kinds of questions, too. My ex couldn't even wait a day to get together with her new guy, after our relationship ended -- I'm told by her she loves me and cares about me, and that she worries about my well-being, but I couldn't even get the respect of a small break after our relationship of nearly four years died.

 

Trying to get answers to these questions will only keep upsetting you. in the end, what matters is what the situation is like, and what you can do about it. It's harder than anything I've ever gone though, but you have to keep going forward. There is no other choice.

[seemenow]

I agree with everything you said. And I know you, me, or anyone couldn't possibly know the answer to that question. But as outside party-and with your life experience-what does it sound like her motive is here?

 

I am sorry to hear that your ex treated you that way. I know you are right when you say the only option is to move forward, I am glad you are doing that too. I intend to. But tonight i just want to know, I want to understand better.

[Trimmer]

It sounds like with all the numerous times of on and off, breaking up and getting back together, you have never learned to "finish the job" of breaking up, and now it's causing you problems.

 

You are not together, she's your ex and in addition, she's got a new boyfriend. But you are still talking like you guys are almost together:

 

Me and the ex care about each other very much still... I still love her, but I am okay with her having a boyfriend-I honestly don't feel we should be together right now.

That "I still love her but I'm OK with her having a boyfriend..." sounds a little presumptuous, like you know that she's really yours, but you are generously allowing this to happen. That's further supported by your "don't feel we should be together right now" comment.

 

I don't mean that to sound harsh, but that's the thing that's causing you problems - you are still attached; you haven't finished the job of breaking up and starting to move on, and that's bound to cause you pain.

 

While I don't support the new BF's mean-spirited comments on his FB, I do understand how he could feel a little odd about you looking to your ex for support, and leaning on her like a best friend. I know it feels "right" to you, and that you feel like you needed her during that difficult time a few months back. But objectively, that's not usually a level of support and closeness that most people share with someone they've broken up with.

 

Now, having said all that, someone might reply with: "But why can't it be that way, as long as it works for both people?" And I would fully agree; as long as you have a meeting of the minds and it works for everyone involved, I'm not going to tell you it should be any different.

 

But here's the thing: the behaviors you are seeing from her should be your indicator that this closeness - this level of support and intimacy that you think you were sharing - isn't working for her any more, and she's starting to push back against it.

 

Now you've asked why, why, why? Why would she do this, what does it mean? I suggest it's a waste of your energy to try to figure that out. Figuring that out implies that you are trying to analyze it, fix it, get it back to where it was. I think your energy is better spent finally finishing the job of breaking up.

 

I don't know how to feel here. I am so angry. Confused. Hurt. Thank you.

 

Breaking up causes pain, anger, confusion. It hurts. Those are all part of the normal process of coming to grips with losing someone you loved and moving on. In the past, and up to this point, you have avoided the full impact of that by staying "best friends", by leaning on her for support, by thinking like this: "we shouldn't be together right now."

 

Breaking up and moving on means not being best friends, not relying on her for support, not thinking this is just a temporary thing until you get back together again. It means letting go of all your ties, and really committing to that process. In doing that, two things will happen: (1) you won't lean on her or look to her for a level of closeness that she and her boyfriend will question and possibly have mean-spirited feelings about, and (2) even if they do say or post mean-spirited things about you, you won't see them, or you won't care, because you have moved on and cut your connections.

 

Now again, I know you may ask "But why can't it just be the way it was, why can't we be friends?" And all I can say it that in order for that rare thing to happen, it has to work for both people, and by her behavior she's telling you that it just won't work for her any more.

 

Again, I don't mean to be harsh, I'm just trying to lay it out clearly for you. It may be that you will need to go through some more grief and loss - kind of stepped up to a level that you haven't had to go through with her before: truly letting go as if she's completely gone out of your life. But that's what breaking up is, 99% of the time. It just seems like you haven't had to take it that full distance in the past.

[seemenow]

Trimmer,

 

It really hurt to read this, but I believe you are truly right on. I will never understand this, how someone who cares for you can diminish you, treat you like crap, devalue you, throw you away. I have had many relationships in my life, and I don't mean to toot my own horn here, but if I truly care for them-I couldn't treat them like this. Especially after all we have been through.

 

I know one thing for certain, this isn't love. And it never was. She never loved me. This truth is almost impossible for me to comprehend. I have never been as close to another human being in my life, and I didn't think depression would be the end of us. I believed in her. I believed she loved me enough to be there through this. I believed in us. I was wrong.

[TopCat22]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Only she will know what she is truly thinking but know this: you do not deserve to be treated this way. If you allow people to treat you in this manner then they will believe that that is how you should be treated. Stand up for yourself. You shouldn't feel bad about this, you should feel pity for her. She is a small person and it sounds like she deserves an idiot like this new bf. They don't sound like good people to me and therefore not worthy of your time. Go NC and believe you will find someone far better.