h-cain Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Hi guys I’ve been reading through some of the threads and I still don’t know what to do about my own situation. I’ve been married for almost 13 years and have 3 children, 12, 10 and 7, the problem is shortly after the birth of my third child sex started to become less frequent, quite rapidly, I’ve read of people unhappy with their sex live because they’re not having sex very often but I have only had sex five times last year and three times so far this year, it’ may seem strange that I know exactly but when it’s that rare it isn’t hard to remembers. I’ve tried what most people suggest, I’ve talked to my wife, not only that I need more sex but that I need more physical intimacy, sometimes it’s simple a cuddle before we go to sleep that I want most, and I’ve communicated this to her, firstly subtly but recently directly, but our relationship isn’t changing, if anything the situation is getting worse, she barely wants any contact with me at all. When we argue about this (no matter how I approach the subject it will always end in an argument eventually) she simply states that “sex isn’t an important part of marriage” which I think is just plain stupid, without the physicality of love a marriage seems to be lacking to me, if I ask why sex isn’t an issue she cannot explain why, when I ask just for more physical intimacy, whether it be just a cuddle before sleep or more she makes an effort for a day or two and then everything either returns to before or it’s even worse. I’ve become depressed but cannot use the medication and so I either end up waking every half an hour every night or not sleeping until 4am which is making me feel physically terrible, as well as emotionally unsatisfied. I simply don’t know where to go from here.
Later82012 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I know this is a horrible thing to say and what I am posting here is not a solution to your problem, but if I am having sex 5 times a year and having to deal with all these emotional issues I'd rather stay single and buy a brand new muscle car every couple of years than have her in my life.
Later82012 Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 She could be breeding a lot of resentment against you that she might have accrued over the years. You need to find out why and resolve those issues first and probably not talk about sex for some time.
NotCamelot Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I really hate to bring this up, but is it possible she is seeing someone else? 1
standtall Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 H-cain...you don't have a wife, you have an expensive roommate. However, since you are married and have 3 minor children together, then you owe it to her and them to get to the bottom of her lack of sex drive. Is it physical, did she gain a lot of weight and have self image issues? Are you giving her the emotional connection to make her desire you? Is a 3rd party involved? These are just a few example of what will kill a wife's sex drive..there are more. The forum needs more info. 1
TigerCub Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 The only response to this statement by your wife is to say, calmly and matter of factly: "O.K. if you don't think sex is an important part of marriage I will seek and obtain it outside the marriage." I agree. I don't have kids and so I don't know what its like to be as invested as you and have so much to deal with. But I often wonder why in those situations after the partner that's not getting sex or any kind of intimacy talks to their spouse and their spouse pretty much brushes it off like it doesn't matter. I wonder why you guys don't just say "Ok, well if I'm not getting sex and intimacy here, I will get it elsewhere - This is not a threat, but a fact, its your call where I get it." Then its not even cheating, its just stating a fact and being honest that if you're not going to be in this marriage fully, I will find someone to satisfy me where you obviously can't. I really don't understand how some people can completely dismiss their spouses needs and just assume that everything will still be all peachy for them. 2
Ninja'sHusband Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 The only response to this statement by your wife is to say, calmly and matter of factly: "O.K. if you don't think sex is an important part of marriage I will seek and obtain it outside the marriage." I think you should just divorce if it's gonna come to this. It's still cheating if she doesn't want to have an open relationship, and cheating is such a cruel thing to do. Trying to control her by threat of cheating is probably not going to work. I would file for divorce before cheating.
TigerCub Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I think you should just divorce if it's gonna come to this. It's still cheating if she doesn't want to have an open relationship' date=' and cheating is such a cruel thing to do. Trying to control her by threat of cheating is probably not going to work. I would file for divorce before cheating.[/quote'] Its not cheating if she knows about it is it? But I definitely do understand where you're coming from, especially considering your past and what you went through. I know you were addressing Abe, but I for one want to say that I'm not condoning cheating or anything like that. I just think its completely selfish and cruel to withhold affection from a spouse and to just expect that they should get over it. If the spouse that doesn't want sex or affection isn't open to an open relationship for their spouse, then yeah, this marriage should probably get dissolved. ** I say all this in the cases that both spouses are healthy and that the spouse that doesn't like sex isn't withholding due to any kind of medical issue** Before divorce they should try counseling..Op, would you and your wife be open to that? 2
schoolmate Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I am sorry you feel so low and depressed. You might be seeing things from your perspective and perhaps your wife doesnt see your point of view. Being a W I can share that M is far more than just sex -- have you tried to understand why she has lost interest in physical intimacy and sex....it might just be something that you are completely unaware of or havent paid attention to. Do you give her a hand with the daily household chores; do you complement her for anything that she does well etc etc....as a woman your wife sure wants to be understood too in an emotional way and needs to be appreciated, complemented and pampered....do you try and make her feel special! Here's my suggestion -- how about you get sex out of your head for sometime and just focus on her and the love you once shared. Take genuine interest in her, do sweet things for her -- try falling in love all over again with her and then sex might follow naturally. I dont personally agree with anyone here saying you should try and get out of the relationship with your wife...never forget a woman gives a lot to bring up a family with 3 kids...it can sometimes take a toll on her and she is sure not looking for sex. She is probably just looking for a companion,,,,try and be that companion! Good luck,, hope things work out for you!
eleanorrigby Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You said that the sex stopped almost right after the last child, I'd think that childbirth and/or just dealing with all those kids could be a reason. Keep asking her why she feels this way. You deserve an answer. After I had my last child I stopped wanting oral sex for the longest time.
NeglectedHusband Posted September 20, 2012 Posted September 20, 2012 A late reply but... I know your pain. I have only ever posted on one similar thread before, back in 2009. I did what some here have said - I confronted my wife and told her that if she didn't want sex any more (which is what she said) then I was going to find it elsewhere as I needed it (she had previously told me to find it somewhere else as well!) It had a fairly immediate effect and she tried for 2 years to work with me to improve the physical element of our marriage. I did work and we did have a period when we had some amazing sex. But... it hasn't lasted. The last year has been bad and she has completely lost interest again, so I'm back not really knowing what to do. All I can say is talk to her honestly and openly, and see what happens.
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