ih12 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I have a very long and ultimately hurtful story I need to share. It takes place between March 13 and September 10, 2012. It is a very long read, and most people here will not want to sit through it. However, if at least a couple of people can offer me their advice or opinions, it would be greatly appreciated. I'm going to be posting this on other relationship forums as well. On March 3, 2012, I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. Well, it would have been three years in May, but close enough. We had been having trouble for the last six or eight months of our relationship, and we were both just ready for it to be over and done; very mutual and drama-free breakup, the absolute best breakup I think a person could have. I wanted to jump right back in to the dating scene, so I signed up for a dating site to see if I had any kind of good luck on there. On March 13, I began sending messages back and forth with a really cool girl with similar interests, and we hit it off pretty much immediately. The only obvious downside was she lived 100 miles away. Now, I had an okay-paying job as a nightshift CNA, and had my own car I had just bought at the end of February, and 100 miles didn't seem like that big of a deal to get a relationship rolling. I figured by the time we got serious enough to talk about moving, my lease would be nearly up, and one of us could make a painless transition. I live with my brother as a roommate and also my parents, as they do not have the money or the health anymore to maintain their own place. She lives with her two children (5 and 6) and her parents also, as her parents have custody of her children. I am 24, she is 27. We began dating officially on March 28, and had our first meeting April 13. For the first couple of months we dated, I was not allowed to sleep over at her/her parents' house because of the children and other safety/security reasons, so we had to get a motel room. Over the few weeks we spoke online before meeting, I got to know a bit about her. I found out she used to be a drug addict (but is not anymore), that the father of her youngest daughter tried to kill that daughter when she was just a few months old and came dangerously close to doing so (which explained a lot of why I was not allowed to stay at the house), and that she was a former wildchild kind of person all around. I am the exact opposite. When we met for our first date, we went out for drinks and some karaoke, as she is a ridiculously good singer, maybe the best I have ever heard. She has a very soulful kind of voice with some grit. Like Adele, except even better, in my opinion. I did not drink much, as I don't really like doing it, it's expensive to do in bars, and I just get kind of anxious around a lot of drunk or drinking people. The first date was awesome, and we lined up a second date for the next week. The second date is where things had started to go wrong. But even by then we had seriously fallen for each other, and I'm apparently one of those idiots who likes to try to help a girl "fix" her problems even though it can't be done, so I stayed even when I had my chance to leave and should have taken it. On that night, I can't remember why, but I was pretty low on funds. I had to pay a lot of bills, had a small paycheck, something or other, but I didn't have much cash and still wanted to see her. The drive back and forth alone sucked 25 dollars (plus about five for toll road expenses), and the absolute cheapest motel you can get is 45 or 50 dollars. However, she wanted to go out and drink again and do karaoke, so that's what we did. I told her I didn't have a lot of money, so she said it would be a cheap date. She steps in the door, gets a 7 dollar pack of cigarettes and a 10 dollar mixed drink. 17 dollars right out the window in less than a minute, which is pretty standard for bars, but I would discover over our relationship that she could drink quite a bit, and was not near being done. She saw that I was becoming very uncomfortable and not having a good time, so she asked if I wanted to leave early. I said I did. Big mistake. No sooner than we got to the car, she burst into tears and began yelling at me, saying I just wanted to **** her just like every other man, and that I should drop her off at home, and that we shouldn't pretend that this was going to work. I was shocked. I thought something was seriously wrong, I didn't know this was just the way she was. Up until the very last day of our relationship, I had to deal with accusations like this. But anyway, rather than do just what she said, I talked through it with her. From that day until June 4, we would see each other more and more often, and I was learning more about her. She was addicted to heroin for ten years, and had quit doing it only a year before we started talking. After she quit heroin, she did meth for about five months, and was only seven months clean of all drugs when we met. She used to be a prostitute, has severe mental issues, and all sorts of health issues. On June 4, I found out I just didn't like her when she drank. She would get too drunk and become mean and nasty, and completely psychotic. On that day she took my phone and text my ex that she and I were getting married in a year. When I confronted her of this, rather than say she was wrong and sorry, she got angry with me. She said we were over, to go home, and that she would suck dick to find a ride home. Again, I talked her back into the car and we made up. It had now gotten to the point where she was being too clingy and needed too much from me. I found out that she was a person who, in some capacity, just could not be by herself. I began making the drive two or three times a week, driving 400 to 600 miles. By the end of our relationship, I had put 18,000 miles on my car. 18,000 miles in 5½ months. She had no concept of my limited amount of money, and she could not drive to me since she had no car. Also, since I worked the night shift, I would sometimes be up for 30 or more hours at a time. She always said she appreciated how hard I had to work to keep our relationship going, but she never showed it through actions. She was very argumentative, seeing things in only black and white, and any time you said something to her not in a pleasant tone, she would accuse you of being angry or become snappy. This was the hardest part of the relationship. I had never met a person who would talk to other people the way she would, yet would accuse someone else of being angry all the time if they didn't agree with her or said something in a tone she did not want to hear. I would have to go through that a dozen times a day, and it made me feel as if I was going insane. I had no defense against it. I later read that these were traits of a "borderline personality." Well, this is already way too long, so I will just skip toward the end. Her parents are very awesome people. I especially love being around her dad, very good sense of humor, and very smart. Some of the conversations he and I have had about science and life have been some of the best conversations of my life, and her children came to love me. They would even call me daddy some times. In a couple of months, I was allowed to start staying over at their house with her, so I wouldn't have to keep paying for a motel room on top of the long drive. Ever since June or July, she has been asking me to move in with her, since she can't move. I really did not want to at first, since I wanted to stay until the lease was up and do it the right way with my brother and parents. She didn't care, she didn't want to hear it. Since June, she had become very dark and depressed. She was always talk of wanting to kill herself, and eventually just started threatening to do it. (she always claimed it was not merely a "threat," that it would happen). She said she was just feeling terrible and that me being closer to her would help things. I eventually said I would move in January instead of May when the lease was up. That wasn't good enough. We had another terrible fight about it at her house, and during the fight, she saw an imaginary entity she frequently sees called "the blue lady," and ran terrified out of the room. I actually turned on the light and looked around the room, looked in the mirror, looked in the closet, and demanded this thing show itself and never come back. I wanted so badly for this thing to be real, so I would not be dating a complete nutcase, that I actually went around the room like a goddamned idiot and called out this imaginary thing. So, of course, rather than leave her right there, we "talked it out" some more, and I agreed to move in November. Well, this still wasn't good enough for very long. Her family, who didn't know things were this bad between us, made the offer that I could move to their house any time I wanted. They made this offer right in front of her and the kids, so, put on the spot, I just said yes. I made the move September 4. Two days before I moved, she had an "I'm going to kill myself moment." Ever since I announced the move, things had just gotten worse rather than better like I hoped it would. I hoped at least she would stop being as depressed and talking this way. I started looking on the bright side. A new start in a bigger city with more job opportunities, more educational opportunities, just better all around for myself. But she just made it impossible to look on the bright side. So I finally broke down after that fight and decided I had to talk to somebody, and spoke with my brother about it. He told me that I couldn't let people like that control my life, and that it was going to end eventually anyway, only I should end it without harsh words being exchanged. I didn't have the balls to do it, and after I moved anyway, he got extremely pissed at me. It really affected me, because my brother and I never fight, we have fought twice since I was 18 years old. On September 8, things hit yet another low. We had an argument and both said things we shouldn't have, and then she punched me in the face. Several times. I had a bruise on my nose, a cut on my nose, and another light bruise above my right eye. I was going to walk out right then, but it was time to put the kids to bed after the fight had calmed down (who did not witness any of this, they were in the dining room, this happened in her bedroom closet), and putting them to bed calmed me down. I also knew that if I walked out right then, her parents would come home to find her dead body on the ground, or worse, her kids would get up at night and find it. So I stayed two days later than I should have. My leaving was of the worst possible timing. She had just gotten a good job that paid 100% of her medical. I came home while she was at the interview and told her mother I was going to break up with her. I told her all about our trials, the newfound violence, and that my naive and ignorant notions of "love can fix this" were stupid and ineffective. Her mother was of course upset because it was her little girl, and also because of the children (also the hardest part for me), but she understood. She told me that when they had kicked her out of the house last summer for keeping meth in the house, they fully expected to never see her alive again. That really hit home with me. That they had been doing this song and dance with her since she was 15, and finally just no longer had the energy to care about what or how she was doing. I said I was going to leave because she needed to get help, that she was very unstable, very depressed, and very angry, and it was only getting worse. I told her mother that I couldn't decide if I wanted it to be over with for good, or if I wanted to maybe try again in a few months if/when he had gotten help for herself. Her mom said whatever I decide, just be honest with her, and don't try to lead her on and pull her through the keyhole, because that's much worse. I thought and decided that no matter what my family or anyone thought, I wanted to try again if she could get on medicine, go through counseling, whatever it took to get better. When she walked through the door after the interview, I told her all of this, and said if I left, it would be for good. I tried to convince her for two whole hours to see things my way. It eventually got out of hand, the girls found out I was leaving, and my last image was the three of them crying on the couch. I had cried for two hours during the breakup, the entire way home, and now I feel like the worst person in the world. I feel as though I brought unnecessary drama into their household, ruined everyone's lives, and now nothing will ever get better. Her parents both assured me that they know that it's just the way she is, and that I am not a terrible person for doing this, but I still don't feel any better. I am feeling the most depressed and guilty I have ever felt in my entire life (even after she called me on the way home telling me she hoped I died in a car crash) for ruining the trust of those little girls and for hurting her like that, but I really just couldn't take it anymore. Sorry this all took so long. I realize this was all brought on by me being such a gigantic pussy with no spine to stand up for myself, but this all snowballed so quickly, and I have had no experience dealing with a person with as many mental and emotional imbalances such as this. I always told myself that I could stand anything in a relationship besides violence. I used to look at women who would stay for years with a man who beat them and wonder "Why?" It's obvious that there is no love there anymore, and that things aren't going to get better, and that you're digging your own grave, so why stay? I stayed for two days after, and felt like such a chump the entire time. I had become a "battered wife," and it was the most painful, embarrassing, and infuriating thing of my entire life. My situation is entirely my fault, I blame no one but myself, and in a way, I feel like I got what I deserved for letting things go too long. Has anyone had a similar experience? have I done the right thing? Is my guilt warranted? I have tried telling myself it's her fault the kids and herself are heartbroken because she took advantage of me and doesn't know how to behave in society. My appetite has been diminished the past few days, my sleeping is off, and I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life. I feel like she has ruined me forever. Also, I need to build the courage to get an HIV test, because I'm pretty sure she gave me that also. On April 28, almost exactly two weeks after our first date, I had flu-like symptoms for two weeks, even though I hardly ever get sick. Again, my own fault, not blaming her for my own stupidity, but if I do in fact have it, then it means she is pretty much the only person left on the planet I can date. That's the most disenchanting feeling ever.
collegemuse Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Let me get this straight- you feel guilty about breaking it off with a woman who used to prostitute herself for heavy drugs, used you for your money, emotionally abused you, had hallucinations, and may have given you HIV? Leaving her was the best thing you ever did. Do NOT look back. This may be the only way to salvage what you can of your life. She clearly brought you down in so many ways. Get tested NOW. There are plenty of support groups for people with an HIV+ status. You will meet many more women in your life. Staying with her because of this would be ridiculous. If she knew she had HIV and didn't tell you, she put your life and risk and committed a serious crime.
Author ih12 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 If she has it, she is not aware of it. I only suspect it because she had been a very unsafe IV drug user for a decade, and had been prostituting for a time during this. On top of that, I know she has not been tested in over a year. Almost exactly two weeks after we became sexually active with each other, I had shown flu-like symptoms for a span of two weeks. Not only have I not been sick with the flu since 2007, but it never persisted and lingered for a full two weeks. Everything added up so perfectly that I could not ignore the possibility. Then it festered and grew in my mind, and I'm certain there's a very good possibility. I have been too afraid to get tested, but now that the relationship is over, I'm going to have to if I want to continue to see other people (which I will not be ready to do, even in a NSA capacity for a very long time). I refuse to expose anyone else to that terrible virus if that turns out to be the case. Everything you said about her is true. However, in her defense, I think she just has a very poor grasp of the concept of holding onto money, rather than using me for mine. Because it's not like I had a lot of it, she was just incredibly un-frugal. The reason I feel bad is because the last image I had of the three of them sitting on the couch, inconsolable, will most definitely stay with me until the day I die. I feel I should take responsibility for my share of the blame for bringing that crap and unneeded drama into the household. I feel like we have disrupted what peace and stability that was in that house forever, and I think it takes a real douchebag to just walk out and say "welp, not my problem anymore!" I know deep down that her issues are very deeply rooted and it's not my fault for her bringing a good thing down. She came into that relationship unprepared and unwilling to make the necessary and honest changes needed to at least make it salvageable. This happened because she does not know how to behave in society, but the trauma exists and I feel absolutely horrible. I wish more than anything I could make things better with those poor kids, and I have never been through a situation like this. Thank you for taking the time to read about my plight. Maybe I'm just here so people can tell me what I want to hear. I don't know anyone in my family I can talk with at length about this, and I really need to just discuss it with someone.
collegemuse Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Don't make excuses for her! She contributed to the instability of her household. When you were fighting, was she concerned about her kids too? Did she care about the type of environment she was creating for them? Did she realize that having a stable and honest relationship with you probably made things at home a lot better - if so, why didn't she try to make your relationship work, even for her kids? I don't know how traumatizing that last image was for you, but I'm truly sorry. Fortunately, they have their amazing grandparents to be there for them and I am sure when they are older and have a better understanding at what happened, you are not the person they will be blaming.
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